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Старый 26.05.2009, 17:09   #520 (permalink)
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Сообщение от Giuseppe Посмотреть сообщение
Привет!

Я здесь недавно, это мое первое эссе.
Пожалуйста, покритикуйте?

Хочу готовиться к IELTS сам, нужно получить 6.5, в крайнем случае подойдет и 5.5 в конце этого года.
Заняло 1.5 часа, 255 слов
Ой, больше всего наворотил в третьем абзаце, кажется.
Today many companies make researching (1) about how to improve(2) effective (3) of their services or products. Mostly that (4) companies direct their analyzing (5) in (6) improving products they produce and pay less attention for personal working conditions. It will be shown that employers should research and improve working condition (7) for the staff. This will be proven by analyzing how good conditions makes (8 ) products more qualitative(9) (10) and how it could help save money for employers.

A very important aspect of qualitative(9) products as effective results (11) is staff satisfaction by their work. Take Google with their offices where there is everything people could want for rest. This example shows that improving working conditions helps Google be more effective and creative. From this, it can be concluded that employers who are interested in more effective products should improve working conditions.

This is very apparent that people who have get (12) good working conditions can agree to reduce their wages (13) and employer could save money. For example freelancers, they work at home and get smaller salary (14) than staff who work 8 hours and 5 days a week in the office. It can be argued that employer save money. It is obvious that (15) employer should research and improve working conditions of their staff. (16)

Following the analysis of influencing good working conditions (17) on qualitative( 18 ) of products as well as saving money for employers, it is clear that employers should research and improve working conditions of their staff. It is expected that only companies which (19) spent enough on employee satisfaction will be success (20) in the future.



(1) research
(2) improvement - проще конструкции используйте
(3) effectiveness - существительное, в конец предложения
(4) these - множественное число
(5) analysis - существительное
(6) Into - активное действие
(7) conditionS
(8 ) make - 3е лицо мн. числа
(9) qualitative это "качественный", где "качество" имеет смысл "признак", и используется в математке, физике и т.п. например qualitative analysis
(10) отвлекаясь от языка - хорошие условия не производят товары. Нужно переделать все предложение.
(11) не могу реконструировать мысль - качественный продукт как эффективный результат - сдаюсь.
(12) have без get. Разговорно можно употребить have got
(13) what are you on, please? по языку - can это императив, поскольку вопрос дискуссионный, нужно использовать суггестивы could, would, if ... could have something done, then...
(14) freelancers make loads more. хотя не будем в экономику вдаваться.
(15) или employers или an employer
(16) вывод, тем более начинающийся со слов "очевидно" не имеет опоры в предыдущем тексте.
(17) influencing - направление действия? influencing xxxx by yyy, influence of zzzz on ####? здесь очевидно второе.
(18 ) quality of products
(19) that
(20) successful
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