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Старый 15.01.2010, 23:39   #1251 (permalink)
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Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?
Introduction. Paraphrase of topic. Own opinion for exams or against them.
You may even write something like.

People concerned.. bad effects of exams on students and teachers. For instance... overstress, loss of confidence for students; additional workload, inability to properly measure students' progress for teachers. BTW, what are the bad effects on teachers? My position - positive, great tool maybe should take individual aspects into consideration.

Paragraph 1. Against exams: 1. Students are under pressure during the academic year. And then the additional stress during the exams affect their results. I am very nervous during the exams (example). 2. Teachers suffer from the tests too. 2.1. They work in nervous conditions. 2.2. Also, they can see the difference between the regular performance of their students and the tests results. So, they cannot evaluate students’ performance correctly. 3. I don’t like exams.
4. I can be a bright student and then, miss out some part of the material which moves me down on exam. OR bright students who can't take exams based on their psychology. Anyway why exams if students have to pass interim assignments?? maybe to suggest regular exams across smaller material???

--> Good approach! You've got 3+ ideas. Could it be too much? Could it lead to ideas not being expressed/explained completely? Would it hurt the structure and logic and lead to words excess?

Paragraph 2. For exams: 1. The fastest way to evaluate students’ performance. 2. Preparations gives students pressure that keeps them in tonus. 3. They guarantee an unbiased approach to evaluation.
+ try to connect with ideas against.. and suggest solution for some negative effects.. for example, have regular assessments + big exam but take everything into consideration, for instance, every exam or assessment has its weight in final score, so even if you don't ace exam (nerveous) but you're bright and smart, you can pass thru.

Conclusion.
Exams are ok, but students should be informed how to overcome the stress.

This should be done within first couple of minutes before you start writing.. the gist of ideas could be written somewhere and then you just explain the ideas and interconnect them.
There could be many-many-many ideas and you do not need all of them. Choose 2-3 and put them neatly.
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Старый 16.01.2010, 00:39   #1252 (permalink)
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Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

One question that (1) has had a big deal of controversy (2) over the years is higher education system. In particular, is it right to offer college or university education only for best students, or higher education should be available for to everybody? In this essay I tend (3) to show that the advantages of offering higher education only to good students far outweighs (4) possible disadvantages.
---
(1)This is your sentence “One question… is higher education system.” – It is not a valid sentence. I fail to understand how an education system could be a question.
(2)“… that has a big deal of controversy over the years..”, - you cannot have Present Simple and time object with ‘over’. Either go for Present Perfect (Continuous) ‘..that has had a big deal of controversy over the years..’ or do something with ‘over’.
(3)“..I tend to show..”, - it’s a bit hard to understand; maybe, ‘... I try to show..’, ‘... I will explain…’, etc.
(4)“… the advantages… outweighs..”, - subject is plural

First of all, studying in a strong group of students usually (5) increases the quality of gained knowledge. In psychology this is called the peer group effect. For example, if a person communicates with other people who have having more skills, experience and knowledge, they he will also (6) improve his their abilities to a higher level.
---
(5)“… studying… increase..”, - subject is singular
(6)“.. improve their abilities to a higher level.”, - needs to be paraphrased, it’s clumsy. For instance, ‘.. significantly improve their abilities’, ‘…they will also move their abilities to a higher level’, etc.

Usually, the best students become the best professionals in their fields of activity. In my view, it is unquestionable that everybody wants to deal only with professionals, (7) whatever they are doing: visiting ( their doctor, using a complex software, having their meal at a restaurant or even studying at university.
---
(7)‘... deal with professionals only, whatever they are doing:..’, it’s clumsy. You’d better go for “..deal with professionals only whether they are visiting a doctor, use a complex software package or just have a meal at the restaurant.”
(as I wrote above, it would be better to put it as “..visiting a doctor, using complex software (software is uncountable, so no indefinite article), having a meal at restaurant or studying at university”. You don’t really need possessive pronouns here as you speak about general people in general situations.

Finally, these there is a simple logic: (9) the number of seats count of places offered by colleges and universities is are strongly limited. In other words, higher education establishments can not take all of the applicants, so they have to make some competitions among students (candidates?), for example, in a form of exams or interviews.
---
(9) I can be wrong but I think people don’t say ‘a count of places’ in regards to the number of available seats in uni.

For these reasons I feel strongly that (10) offering college or university should offer education only for to the best students only, as it is much more helpful to for our society. But I do not mean that there would be any discrimination: if a student wants to enter a higher education establishment, he they have has to make an effort and becoame a good student.
---
(10)the whole sentence is contracted wrongly. ‘..offering … is much more helpful…’, - the main sentence, but how it is connected with ‘..college or university education only for the best students…’ is unclear.
topic
You didn't discuss the views as it was requested but rather concentrated on advantages of limiting higher education to good students only. Also, it wouldn't have hurt if you'd explained what a good student means, ie had given a bit of context.

grammar
I'd say English is simple but clean. There are two serious mistakes only (1 and 10) where your sentence wasn't clear at all. It would be better to add more complex grammar like conditionals, passive, more complex vocabulary.

general impression
Quite a lot of sentences are constructed in a strange way (I didn't point at them). It's wrong and quite understandable but they sounded like in 20 years old English course books; particularly, the word order.
For instance, ... is it right to offer college ... only for best students, or higher education should be available for everybody? - this is not a typical English.

Anyway, I can't tell what the score you would get on exam, as I don't know the system how it's evaluated. It could be around 5.
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Старый 16.01.2010, 20:20   #1253 (permalink)
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Balamut5, thank you for your comments)
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Старый 16.01.2010, 22:04   #1254 (permalink)

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Здравствуйте! Пожалуйста оцените мое первое сочинение.

Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

In the modern world the difference between women and men have nearly disappeared. Being successful for females means that they should perfectly combine business and family affairs. As a result, Kindergarten and schools for infants become more and more popular among mothers and their children.
Definitely, there are many benefits of using Kindergarten for both parents and children. First of all it makes adults feel free to realize themselves as workers on full potential. At second, infants who stay in these places become more independent and communicative than those who stay with mothers. As a result, they will be well-prepared and ready to live and study within other people.
On the other hand, growing in Kindergarten often makes infants feel apart from their families and they become more vulnerable to bad influences of other children. Therefore, these young people might easily get on a wrong way or acquire bad habits. It appears that they will have troubles with communication with their parents in the future. Children who stay with mothers are usually more polite, intelligent and educated because their mothers spent all time for their development.
In my opinion, although Kindergarten and nursery schools are extremely useful for parents, infants should stay with their mothers if it is possible until they go to school. As a result, they will be kinder, smarter and more thankful, they also will be perfect mothers and fathers in the future and certainly will care about their elder parents as like they did.

Огромное спасибо за внимание.
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Старый 17.01.2010, 05:38   #1255 (permalink)
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Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

Everybody knows that knowledge is power. Proper education for young people provides a society with great potential for development. That’s why a smart approach to process of teaching students and measuring their performance is necessary.
However, people concerned about the negative effects the testing has on both students and teachers. For example, when students sit their exams they usually get overstressed and loose their confidence. All these affect their results dramatically. That, in turn, confuses the examiners while evaluating the tests results. In the long run, we get the overall picture of students’ performance significantly blurred.
Otherwise, how one can measure students’ progress without exposing them to the pressure of examinations? Well, there is a number of solutions to this problem. At first, regular assessments across smaller material should be introduced. This should help students adapt to work under examination conditions and prepare them for a big final test. At second, these interim exams should have their weight in the final score, so if a student gets a bad mark on final exam (because of psychological or emotional factors) he or she* would still have a chance to pass through. This means that providing a student is bright and smart but has instable psychics, he or she can get high overall mark anyway and graduate successfully.
The topic of the essay is a rather disputable and requires a long discussion. But there is one notion that seems absolutely clear to me: while measuring the students’ performance the psychological factors should be taken into account. I totally accept the idea of examinations providing that all the aspects of the matter are taken into consideration.

*I don't know how to put "they" there
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Последний раз редактировалось I_am_Unicorn; 17.01.2010 в 19:25.
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Старый 20.01.2010, 05:27   #1256 (permalink)

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Уважаемый господа покритикуйте пожалуйста мое следующее эссе со всей строгостью. Спасибо.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Throughout our life we have a lot of teachers from kindergartens, schools and universities. However, we have parents who are undoubtedly more interested in our life and our education. Also, parents help us to make first steps in our adult life. I can agree with the statement that our best tutors are parents and try to support this opinion with examples from my own experience.

On the one hand, parents play very important role in their children’s developing and education. Parents are our first tutors from whom we learn how to walk, speak and play with the others children. Although, nobody besides parents better know their offspring and their needs. Furthermore family members believe that their children could achieve more success then them. I have learnt a lot of useful things from my mother; moreover these tips regularly help me in terrible situation.

On the other hand, our relative could give us a huge amount of information about future adult life also about harmful habits such like drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Unfortunately, our family members could not provide for us all knowledge which we can receive from the teachers at schools and universities. That is why it is also important for children to have an all-round education.

In conclusion, I would like to express my own opinion. I support the statement that extended families are the best teachers, bur I also believe that children require more knowledge then parents can provide for them.
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Старый 20.01.2010, 09:03   #1257 (permalink)
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Здравствуйте! Пожалуйста оцените мое первое сочинение.

Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

In the modern world the difference between women and men have has (1) nearly disappeared. Being successful (2) for females means that they should perfectly combine business and family affairs. As a result, (3) kindergartens and schools for infants become more and more popular among mothers and (4) their children.
---
(1)‘…the difference…have… disappeared’, verb form is incorrect.
(2)‘Being a successful female means you should perfectly…’, this construction would sound better, imho.
(3)I believe kindergarten can be plural, and thus it should be plural here.
(4)I’m not sure that children have any power here.


Definitely, there are many benefits of using Kindergartens for both parents and children. First of all, it makes adults feel free to realize themselves (5) as workers on full potential. At second Secondly, infants who stay in these those places become more independent and communicative than those who stay with mothers. As a result, they will be well-prepared and ready to live and study within other people.
---
(5)‘… to realize themselves as workers on full potential’, doesn’t sound well; rather ‘.. to realise their full potential in work and career’.

On the other hand, growing in Kindergarten often makes infants feel apart from their families and they become more vulnerable to bad influences of other children. Therefore, these young people might easily get on a wrong way or acquire bad habits. It appears that they will have troubles with (6) communication with their parents in the future. Whereas, children who stay with mothers are usually more polite, intelligent, and educated as because their mothers spendt all the time (7) for their development.
---
(6) ‘..troubles with communication with their parents..’, - not clear what you mean. Do you speak about communicative problems, when children can’t communicate effectively? then ‘.. they will have communicative challenges with their parents..’.
(7) ‘..their mothers spent all time for their development.’, - not clear, need to be paraphrased. For instance, ‘.. their mothers spend all the time to develop their character and life skills’.

In my opinion, although Kindergarten and nursery schools are extremely useful for parents, infants should stay with their mothers if it is possible until they go to school. As a result, they will be kinder, smarter, and more thankful. They also will be perfect mothers and fathers in the future and certainly will care about their elder parents as like they did before.
Topic
There was a good beginning, where you set the topic and provided the connection between the ideas of women who have to go back to workplace and children who are sent to Kindergartens.

Later on, you mostly spoke about pros and cons of Kindergarten for children development; and the theme of women who want to get back to work disappeared. It would have been okay, should you come back to the main topic theme in the conclusion, for instance, contemplate about women fate, but you didn’t do it and finished on children development theme. But you didn't do that, so the position of women wasn't addressed at full in your essay. It could be a challenge.

Flow of ideas, composition
The flow of ideas was good and essay was easy to read. The only question that I had is the justifications in favour and against Kindergartens, they were sort of mixed. You say, ‘infants… become more independent and communicative… be well-prepared and ready to live and study…’, these are very strong statements for Kindergarten education and some of them contradict pros of home upbringing, like ‘Children … are usually more polite, intelligent and educated …’ It would make sense to outline your position and provide a solution on how the pros of Kindergarten education can be achieved at home. For instance, you may say that polite, intelligent, and educated children will not have troubles integrating into school society later on and the school education will only benefit from it as currently children with Kindergarten upbringing create all the mess due to them being on a ‘..wrong way or acquire bad habits..’.
It’s all about making an essay with clear logical thinking. It doesn't matter what your position is, as long as you can formulate it, provide evidence and justifications, draw examples from you life or research, and formulate firm conclusion. If the flow of ideas is blurred, it could be a challenge.
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Старый 20.01.2010, 09:31   #1258 (permalink)

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Большое спасибо за анализ текста. Очень полезные советы. Обязательно все учту
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Старый 20.01.2010, 10:09   #1259 (permalink)
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Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

Everybody knows that knowledge is power. Proper education for young people provides a society with great potential for development. That is (1) why a smart approach to process of teaching students and measuring their performance is necessary.
---
(1) I believe we have to use full forms in formal writing, so ‘That is why..’

However (2), people are concerned about the negative effects the testing has on both students and teachers. For example, when students (3) have to sit their exams, they usually get overstressed and loose their confidence. All thesethat affects their results dramatically. That, in turn, confuses the examiners while evaluating the tests results. (4) In the long run, we get the overall picture of students’ performance significantly blurred.
---
(2) I don’t think that ‘However’ is a right linking word. I’d say that ‘However’ calls for comparison or contradiction. For instance, students are concerned about evaluations, however they must be done. I would go with ‘To begin with’, ‘Undoubtedly’, etc.
(3) When students know that they will have to sit the exam, they may become overstressed, and on the exam itself they may lose confidence and it will affect their results dramatically. The sentence didn’t show a clear logical thinking.
(4) disconnection of thoughts
Undoubtedly, people are concerned about the negative effects the testing has on both students and teachers. On the one hand, students become increasingly overstressed and irritated when an exam day approaches. It may result in lost concentration and confidence on the day and will dramatically affect the results. On the other hand, examiners are confused when they see bad results from bright students. In the long run, the overall picture of students’ performance is getting blurred, which disallow us to ensure the best outcome for the society.
-> Начали с общей фразы, которая включает в себя позиции студентов и учителей. Далеелинкуемпозициистудентовиучителей – On the one hand, on the other hand. Объясняем позицию студентов – проблема, как проявляет себя. Объясняем позицию учителей – проблема, как проявляет себя. Подводим вывод и связываем с главной темой из вводной части.


Yet Otherwise, how could one can measure students’ progress without exposing them to the pressure of examinations? Well, there is a number of solutions to this problem. (5) At first, regular assessments across smaller material should be introduced. This should help students adapt to work under examination conditions and prepare them for a big final test. At second, these interim exams should have their weight in the final score, so if a student gets a bad mark on final exam (because of psychological or emotional factors), (6) he or she* would still have a chance to pass through. This (7) means that providing a student is bright and smart but has inunstable psychics, he or she can get high overall mark anyway and graduate successfully.
---
(5) I’ve never seen phrases ‘At first’, ‘At second’, ‘At third’, etc. to be used to enumerate you propositions. It’s mostly used to say, ‘At first stage we will do one thing’, ‘At second thought I decided to do otherwise’. Besides, you suggest an approach and explain how it will help resolve the issue. Then, you need to introduce the suggestion and use ‘At first’ and ‘At second’ to explain how it’ll work. For instance, ‘I believe regular assessments across…. introduced. At first, it should help students… a big final test. At second, these interim…’.
(6) you can say ‘they would still..’ or ‘he or she would still..’.
(7) I see you love linking words You’d better go with ‘This means that if …’ in this particular sentence. Otherwise, it could be ‘This means that a student can get high overall mark anyway and graduate successfully, providing that they are bright and smart but have unstable psychic.’
-> would be nice to add a sentence that would summarise this paragraph and link it with what was said before. For instance, ‘In my opinion it is one of the best approaches to address the issue of the need to have proper evaluation process of students’ progress, yet do it in a stress free way.’

( The topic of the essay is a rather disputable and requires a long discussion. ButThere is one notion that seems absolutely clear to me: while measuring the students’ performance the psychological factors should be taken into account. I totally accept the idea of examinations, providing that all the aspects of the matter are taken into consideration.
---
( I believe you shouldn’t question the topic itself in your essay; avoid such things.
Everything was good, apart from a mess in linking words.
Also, I've seen good ideas and connections within paragraphs, and betwen paragraphs, and between paragraphs and main theme. It was okay. In some parts you could have done better and I send my example how I would've done it.

Flow of ideas
there is a lack of cohesion in the use of linking words; please, go through grammar rules on this topic. Linking words are necessary to maintain the structure of your writing but if used incorrectly, they can destroy it.
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Старый 20.01.2010, 10:13   #1260 (permalink)
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Большое спасибо за анализ текста. Очень полезные советы. Обязательно все учту
Со своей стороны прошу прощения, что долго не отвечал. Обычно все происходит быстро.
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Старый 20.01.2010, 11:18   #1261 (permalink)
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Уважаемый господа покритикуйте пожалуйста мое следующее эссе со всей строгостью. Спасибо.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


Throughout our life we have a lot of teachers infrom kindergartens, schools, and universities. However, we have parents who are undoubtedly more interested in our life and our education. Also, parents help us to make first steps in our adult life. I can agree with the statement that our best tutors are parents and will try to support this opinion with examples from my own experience.



On the one hand, parents play a very important role in their children’s developmenting and education. Parents are our first tutors from whom we learn how to walk, speak, and play with the others children. Although In addition, nobody besides parents better knows their offspring and their needs. Furthermore, family (1) members believe that their children could achieve more success thaen them. I have learnt a lot of useful things from my mother, and ; moreover these tips regularly help me in terrible situations.
---

(1) out of context.

On the other hand, our relative
s could give us a huge amount of information about future adult life, as well as also about harmful habits such aslike drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. Unfortunately, our family members could not provide for us with all the knowledge that which we can receive from the teachers at schools and universities. That is why it is also important for children to have an all-round education.

In conclusion, I would like to express my own opinion. I support the statement that extended (2) families are the best teachers, but I also believe that children require more knowledge then parents can provide
for them with.

---
(2) what does it mean ‘extended families’?

=====

Topic
The question was – do you agree or disagree and there was a need to provide specific reasons and examples. So, you can’t stay in the middle in your answer. In addition, you need to be more specific and less general in your answer.
Your position is in favour to the statement but you are still in the middle – family is the best, but… Also, you didn’t provide any specific reasons or examples.

In addition, the topic is tricky as the role of teachers is not understood in the same way by different people. Teaching can mean the process of transferring knowledge and training children. For instance, a best teacher is the one who can establish communications with kids they are responsible for, so those children can obtain new knowledge effectively and use it efficiently in life. So, what qualities do you need to be a good teacher? and is it true that parents can actually teach their children?
We shouldn’t mix teaching with being a good source of information. Parents are definitely a great source of information and they do understand their children (at least till children are 12 yo , but it’s not the question. The question is whether they are good teachers. Teaching is an ability to effectively give knowledge, train.

Flow of ideas

The use of ‘On the one hand’ ‘ On the other hand’ is not justified here. They’re used when you present two or more contradicting ideas. Here, you’d better gone with First of all, Secondly, etc. In other words, you simply enumerated pros of your position and there was no need for ‘on the one hand’ ‘on the other hand’ connections.

Many linking words are used out of context or inappropriately.

You had lots of ideas but most of them remained as short statements with no progression. You really have to change the approach to essay writing. It’s not about listing the ideas, but rather your ability to take one/two ideas an present them. For instance, you have an idea – relatives could give information about future life, so you go
‘Our relatives can help their children prepare better for adult life. They lived their own life and gained valuable experience. Since parents observed children from earlier age, they know what their kids are like and what would work for them in their adulthood. Thus, the knowledge they can provide is invaluable and very much appropriate to kids. This once again shows that parents are the best teachers’.

Я бы порекомендовал прорабатывать структуру ответа более тщательно перед написанием. Может быть даже написать эссе по -русски, а потом перенести это на английский язык. По-крайней мере, это поможет усвоить применяемые структуры в ответах.

Необходимо раскрывать тему и отвечать на поставленный вопрос без ухода в сторону.
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Старый 21.01.2010, 01:52   #1262 (permalink)
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Старый 21.01.2010, 04:46   #1263 (permalink)

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Приветы всем! Буду очень благодарен за оценочку еще одного моего эссе. Спасибо!

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The meaning of money in the modern world has extremely increased and it is still constantly growing. It appears that none of the members of the society can survive without basic financial knowledge. As a result, economic classes become more and more popular in schools.

Definitely, there are many benefits of those improvements in the education programs. Eventually, they give young people a lot of opportunities in future. At first, the enormous number of the occupations are connected with economics. For example, software developers with a good financial background are very needed by banks and other firms. At second, nearly every modern person faces with banking systems and services. Thus, it requires general skills of using them. At third, good understanding of credit and deposit technics allows people not only to save their money but also to increase them without any risks. Finally, there are a lot of financial frauds oriented to those who have not got enough understanding of economic processes. Therefore, those improvements in education will help people to protect against these types of crime.

On the other hand, starting studying economics in childhood will probably lead to overestimating the meaning of money among young people. Consequently, it will make them greedier and more dependent on material values rather than kind and intelligent ones.

In my opinion, it is necessary to introduce studying of money into education programs for young people. Probably, it would be useful to let pupils choose whether they want to study it or not. As a result it will help them cope with many difficulties in future and will make their lives simpler.

Последний раз редактировалось 433t; 21.01.2010 в 04:52.
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Старый 22.01.2010, 09:58   #1264 (permalink)
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Приветы всем! Буду очень благодарен за оценочку еще одного моего эссе. Спасибо!

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The meaning of money in the modern world has extremely increased and it is still constantly growing. It appears that none of the members of the society can survive without basic financial knowledge. As a result, economic subjects classes are becoming more and more popular in schools.

Definitely, there are many benefits of those improvements in the education programs. Eventually, they give young people a lot of opportunities in the future. At first, the enormous number of the occupations is are connected with economics. For example, software developers with a good financial background are very needed by banks and other firms. At second, nearly every modern person faces deals with banking systems and services. Thus, it requires general skills of using them. At third, good understanding of credit and deposit technics allows people not only to save their money but also to increase them without any risks. Finally, there are a lot of financial frauds oriented at to those who have not got enough understanding of economic processes. Therefore, those improvements in education will help people to protect themselves against these types of crime.

On the other hand, starting studying economics in childhood will probably lead to overestimating the meaning of money among young people. Consequently, it will may make them greedier and more dependent on material values, rather than nurturing kindness, ethical behaviour, and decency. and intelligent ones.
---
intelligent = smart, able to understand things easily

In my opinion, it is necessary to introduce economics subjects to/in studying of money into education programs for young people. Probably, it would be useful to let pupils choose whether they want to study it or not. As a result, it will help them cope with many difficulties in future and will make their lives simpler.
I particularly liked the structure and integrity of the essay. It reads well and the flow of ideas is easy to understand. The text looks solid and this is really mature work.

I would have put the conclusion differently to better address the topic question – should financial education be mandatory? – by writing that it should not be mandatory as pupils should be given a right to choose whether to study it or not but the benefits of financial education and threats that financial illiteracy brings about must be explained to kids. In other words, I would have tried to clearly answer the main question without wiggling jiggling.

Please, continue practicing as you definitely have good skills and it would make sense to practice them with different types of topics.

As far as points of improvement concern, it would be good to align your thoughts/paragraphs/conclusion with topic as much as possible.
The second thing is a choice of words/ phrases/ sentences structure; some of them are not common in English speaking environment. It’s hard to change it at once and you’ll continue developing your skills along the way.

Последний раз редактировалось Balamut5; 22.01.2010 в 17:38.
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Старый 22.01.2010, 16:37   #1265 (permalink)

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Баламут, спасибо большое! Буду продолжать)))
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Старый 22.01.2010, 19:06   #1266 (permalink)

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Приветы всем! Буду очень благодарен за оценочку еще одного моего эссе. Спасибо!

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

........ .
What's your target score?

Structurally and grammatically not bad at all thought I consider the 'on the other hand' paragraph a way too short compared to the previous one and this makes your arguments unbalanced.

The most 'unpleasant' problem from my point of view is your choice of words. This makes many sentences sound strange and rather weird. You've also made a mistake typical to Russian-speakers: money are->is

All other comments will depend on the target score.
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всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Старый 22.01.2010, 19:11   #1267 (permalink)

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What's your target score?

Structurally and grammatically not bad at all thought I consider the 'on the other hand' paragraph a way too short compared to the previous one and this makes your arguments unbalanced.

The most 'unpleasant' problem from my point of view is your choice of words. This makes many sentences sound strange and rather weird. You've also made a mistake typical to Russian-speakers: money are->is

All other comments will depend on the target score.
I think 6.0 for writing would be good enough) my overall target band is 6.5.
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Старый 22.01.2010, 19:36   #1268 (permalink)

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I reckon if you write an essay like the last one under exam conditions you'll get 6. However, still believe you need to make sure your pros and cons are more balanced.
However, I think your essay is not got enough for 7, which means your 6 is doubtful. To get a higher score you need to use various expressions of modality more extensively (this includes 2nd conditionals).

Would you like me give a more detailed comment on your vocabulary?
In any case, you need to read a lot of good essays and essay prep. books to get the grip of the vocab. and write down the list of words and expressions by topic.


Just to illustrate my point:
though sounds correct 'education programs' is not what you should've used here. The word you need is 'curriculum' or 'school curriculum'. Even 'school program' sounds so much better!
Another example: are very needed by banks and other firms. This sounds awkward -> are in high demand/ are sought by
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всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию

Последний раз редактировалось Maimiti_Isabella; 22.01.2010 в 19:47.
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Старый 22.01.2010, 19:47   #1269 (permalink)

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I reckon if you write an essay like the last one under exam conditions you'll get 6. However, still believe you need to make sure your pros and cons are more balanced.
However, I think your essay is not got enough for 7, which means your 6 is doubtful. To get a higher score you need to use various expressions of modality more extensively (this includes 2nd conditionals).

Would you like me give a more detailed comment on your vocabulary?
In any case, you need to read a lot of good essays and essay prep. books to get the grip of the vocab. and write down the list of words and expressions by topic.


Just to illustrate my point:
though sounds correct 'education programs' is not what you should've used here. The word you need is 'curriculum' or 'school curriculum'.
Another example: are very needed by banks and other firms. This sounds awkward -> are in high demand/ are sought by
Большое спасибо за пояснение. Я понимаю, что очень слабое место - это мой вокабуляр. Буду готовиться дальше)) Буду очень благодарен за подробный комментарий.
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Старый 22.01.2010, 21:27   #1270 (permalink)

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Большое спасибо за пояснение. Я понимаю, что очень слабое место - это мой вокабуляр. Буду готовиться дальше)) Буду очень благодарен за подробный комментарий.
Проверьте ЛС
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всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Старый 23.01.2010, 07:42   #1271 (permalink)

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Буду очень признателен, если рассмотрите еще одно мое эссе) Опять проблемы с вокабуляром, но без практики никакого прогресса не будет...

Many families are having fewer children. Having even just one child can have a dramatic impact on the parents' lives. Write about this impact in about 250 words. You can discuss the negative impact, the positive impact, or both.

In the modern developed countries many families generally consist of parents and only one child. As a result, that has a variety of both negative and positive effects on the parents lives.

Definitely, deciding to have only one child could bring many problems to the adults' beings. First of all, the ancestors and the child usually get used to each other very much. Consequently, it will make them feel lonely when the child starts to live apart from them. Secondly, if the infant has a brother or sister of their age they usually require less the parents' attention and have a good partner in games. In addition, the governments of many countries encourage having two or more children. As a result, those who do not have so many young members of the family lose their opportunity to receive the facilities. Finally, almost all religions over the world recommend to have at least two children.

On the other hand, there are positive influence of having only one infant. Firstly, that does not require spending a big amount of money. Furthermore, if there are a few children in family their ages usually differ. For this reason, the mature members of the family have to spend the same amount of time for each child through the children's growing up. Finally, it appears that a child who gets all the care of their ancestors will return it back in the future.

In my opinion, having more children means being happier. Thus, parents should have at least two children and that will make them the happiest people in the world.
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Старый 23.01.2010, 19:30   #1272 (permalink)

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Many families are having fewer children. Having even just one child can have a dramatic impact on the parents' lives. Write about this impact in about 250 words. You can discuss the negative impact, the positive impact, or both.
Long live Chinglish!
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всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Старый 24.01.2010, 01:20   #1273 (permalink)

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Мое первое эссе, пыхтел так, что перемудрил с количеством слов. Потратил 1,5 часа, нужно 6,5 баллов. Просьба прокоментировать. Спасибо.

Many people say that cooking and eating at home is better for the individual and the family than eating out in restaurants or canteens. Do you agree or disagree.

Each living creature required food for its prospering and human being prefer the food to be proper cooked. The equipment of modern kitchen allow people to serve the table with perfectly prepared meals. It is correct that cooking and eating at home is more suitable for everybody throughout the world. This will be proved by analyzing the benefits to person’s health and advantages to the family’s profit.

A very important aspect of health is the quality of food and cleanness of the kitchen surroundings and silverware during cooking procedure. According the statistic, up to 8,6% of restaurant goers have serious problems with the stomach and 2,4% from this quantity have been poisoned by the restaurant’s meals with spending several weeks in the hospital. That is why the best way is when the people can choose fresh provision on the market then come home with spending some time for its preparation with serving of the table by 100% clean plates and forks.
Thus, every time you are boring in restaurants you have some higher risk for your health which can be decreased by cooking and eating at your own home

Secondly, all of us face to crisis processes which have forced people to money economy during different aspects of life and even by food economy. My best friend started economy on food and drinks from the beginning of the crisis and calculated savings achieved 860$ per month. Restaurant business has a big problem with profits now because few and few people are going to them preferring to save the family’s budget. Thus, the main source of the budget economy can be taken from cutting of extra expenses such as lunch in restaurants, canteens, cafes and bars.

Taking into consideration abovementioned, I believe that the modern life inclined us to the highest economy of resources. We can approach by sitting in quite home with healthy and quality meals. It is believed that more and more people are shifted from restaurants to home cooking and perhaps this will help to win in the battle named “world economy crisis”.

345 слов.
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Старый 24.01.2010, 04:08   #1274 (permalink)
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Уважаемый форумчане покритикуйте пожалуйста мое следующее эссе со всей строгостью.уже скора экзамен. Спасибо заранее.
The best way to reduce the number of traffic accidents is to raise age limit for the younger drivers and to lower age limit for the aged ones. Do you agree?

In today’s world. a number of car accidents are increasing dramatically, many people die or injure on the road. It can be seen from the everyday’s news headlines and cause of the most them is the unskilled young driver or the old driver. I agree that a raise age limit for the young and the old people is the best way and in the following paragraphs, I will give my answer to support my view.

Firstly, in modern society for the young people get a driver licence is a easy task. As a result there are many traffic accidents and death on the road. Because sometimes the young drivers drive a car after drinking a alcohol drink. Also the old driver can not supervise their movement, because they have a bad sight and attention. If the Government raices age limit until 21years old for the young people and 65 years old for the old people, it will be good decision to eliminate car accidents. However some people consider that a young and old people have equal rights with other age groups. But I think that people’s life is more important than a driver licence.

Secondly, now a lot of driver’s courses teach a non-professional education and training hours in these courses are short time. For example, I finished my driver’s course, when I was 17 years old, after 30 days and with only 25 training hours by car. First time, I felt the discomfort on the road, I was afraid to a car accident and big dangerous for other drivers. Therefore I think that for the young people is better to take a driver licence in mature age, when they can answer for their action.

To sum up, we don’t have a unique way to reduce the number of traffic accidents, only driver’s caution can save our life.
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Старый 24.01.2010, 18:06   #1275 (permalink)
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Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, эссе мужа, будем очень признательны!

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There are very many different types of music in the world today. What is a music? Formally, it is a set of notes which we have only seven! Despite of their small number we have a huge number of different compositions in different styles and directions of music.

There are many directions of music in the world, such as pop music, rock, punk, metal, classical music, RnB, rave, trance and decades of others. Most of these directions have their own styles, substyles and different variations in different countries.

And why do we need music? I think, no one have a single answer for this question. Some people use music for getting better their mood, on the other hand some people use it for get sad and cry. Music able to control humans mood. Moreover, some kinds of music can create an atmosphere of curtain culture of country.

This sort of music is named as traditional music. Every community in the world has their own style of traditional music. Songs and melodies of curtain country are very important part of its history, traditions and culture. SO, we have not rights to lose piece of history of ours country, which was created by our parents and grandparents with hardness. Unfortunately, young generation are losing their culture and most of young people prefer only modern music which is heard everywhere nowadays.

Modern music is more variable, because of nowadays we have a great possibilities of sound creation. We can use only one computer to synthesize any sound, for example sounds of piano or guitar. I`m sure that modern music must live as it is part of our culture, furthermore, it will be a part of history for our children.

I think music is very important part of our lives. All generations, styles and directions of music have rights to be alive, because all of them are parts of culture, live, history of different communities, countries and whole nations.
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