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Старый 29.01.2010, 19:42   #1301 (permalink)

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I don't mind proceeding in the thread
General comment first: I liked it! You English is rather good and the sentences are well developed and easy to follow. There are only few mistakes and they are nothing major. Just keep practising and try to develop your English to the higher level.

What IELTS score are you seeking BTW? I believe you've got 7 here. If lucky, maybe 7.5

Here's the link to the file: http://www.gday.ru/forum/members/mai...re1093-bmy.jpg


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всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Старый 29.01.2010, 20:16   #1302 (permalink)
bmy

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Thank you so much for your comments! I really appreciate the work you've done over my text.

The problem with this text, as well as with other my essays, is that it took me too long to compose it. Obviously, need to practice more.

I need IELTS for immigration purposes, so band 6 is my goal.
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Старый 29.01.2010, 20:22   #1303 (permalink)

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Thank you so much for your comments! I really appreciate the work you've done over my text.

The problem with this text, as well as with other my essays, is that it took me too long to compose it. Obviously, need to practice more.

I need IELTS for immigration purposes, so band 6 is my goal.
practise (n,v - AmE)
practise (v - BrE)
practice (n - BrE)

As immigration purposes and IELTS score is concerned, I believe you should target 7 since the required score is more likely to go up than down
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всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию

Последний раз редактировалось Maimiti_Isabella; 30.01.2010 в 18:08.
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Старый 30.01.2010, 02:11   #1304 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Balamut5;1276252]
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Please check and correct!!! Best regards Taha

Some people believe that computers are more of a hindrance than a help in today’s world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

In this century of technology the usage of computers is increasing rapidly day by day. We use computers to carry out different assignments, but some people think that computers (1) have bring more drawbacks than advantages tofor human beings. I do notdon’t agree with this beliefidea and in the following paragraphs I will give some reasons to support my view in the following paragraphs.
---
Here, I’ve mainly noticed some choice of words issues.
- computers may bring more drawback/disadvantages than… особенновсвязке ..more..than..
- люди высказывают скорее belief / thought, а не idea.

Firstly, computers play a crucial role in our society, because they can facilitate our life. For instance, we can book railway tickets through the Internet without going to the railway station. During this time we might do homework or exercise.
Nevertheless, some young people pay more attention to their computers than their families and friends. They look like computer geeks, who cannot live without them. As a result, they cannot get on well with parents and friends well.
---
-хорошееначало ...play a crucial role in our society.. и далее идет достаточно слабый аргумент. Здесь бы желательно раскрыть claim с сильными аргументами и сделать связку на то, что эти здачаи больше не могут быть выполнены людьми.
-если ты говоришь в этом параграфе «за», то причем тут Nevertheless и дети? перенеси это в другой параграф и выскажи мысли «против».

However, if people don not use a computer too much, it might bring many benefits. Because we can use a computer as a shortage of our memory for keeping different information or as a communication tool with friends, especially when you live apart from your family.
Although, if people sit in front of a screen for long time, it will have a bad influence on their health. They will have problems with the back and the eyes or their weight.
---
-странный параграф... первое, второе и третье предложения вообще никак не связаны друг с другом.. что создает непонимание всего параграфа и его связи с твоей мыслью – компьютеры – это хорошо, и темой эссе.
-..use computer as a shortage of out memory… - непонятночтоимелосьввиду. Так же начало предложения не связано с его концовкой.
-Although – не в тему. Так же в этом предложении идут claims, которые не подтверждены.

To sum up, to be honest, it is difficult to decide about importance of the computer, but I believe, if people will keep the balance between using of computers and real life, it will be better for all of us and they may have only a good effect.[/QUOTE]

taha, данное эссе крайне неудачное на мой взгляд.
Начало было хорошим, была высказана позиция по вопросу и далее нужно было привести аргументы в поддержку, поднять негативные стороны (немного и по существу) и объяснить как их можно решить.

Так же, мне не совсем понятен подход, когда в начальном параграфе высказана мысль, что компьютеры это хорошо, а в последнем параграфе ставится вопрос опять (.. it is difficult to decide...). На мой взгляд, если ты считаешь что компьютеры - это хорошо, то последний параграф должен повторять эту мысль и суммировать позитив / негатив / способы решения негатива.
Спасибо за анализ, совсем запутался, мне надо было привести аргументы за и против и решить проблемы????
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Старый 30.01.2010, 02:59   #1305 (permalink)

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Hello everyone. Could you please check and evaluate my IELTS essay?


Many people believe that television programs are of no value for children. Do you agree? Why or why not? Provide reasons and examples to support your response.

I disagree with this opinion because there are a lot of television programs that may be useful for children. Nowadays television has become one of the most important providers of information and it would be wrong decision to prevent children’s access to it. Of course there are a lot of other sources of information such as for example the Internet, but whereas they are also extremely important none of them can completely substitute television. In addition it is much easier to filtrate an information coming from TV programs than that a child might find in the Internet.
Children can learn a lot from watching TV programs. There are always a great opportunity to select those TV programs that will be very useful for your child. From animations and children’s films he can learn basic social communicational patterns and advance the understanding of what is good and what is bad. In order to become socially adapted a child should watch common TV programs designed for kids. Of course parents mustn’t allow their baby watching TV all day long. Besides the control of what programs will be watched they should also establish a limit on how much time can a child spend watching TV. For instance some psychologists suggest that it shouldn’t be more than one hour per day.
There are programs suitable for each particular age. For younger children the best choice would be animation films and those who approach to the age of teenagers a big range of programs can be useful. For example programs on nature, relations, music, culture etc. They can acquire a lot of knowledge from them and significantly develop their mentality.
There are always ways to shield your child from programs containing cruelty or other materials that could be harmful for baby’s psyche. It is important to be aware of what your baby gets from TV programs he watches. Therefore parents must observe all programs that their child watches, or at least look through announcements of them. Doing this they will be able to make watching television programs helpful for their child.
In the conclusion it isn’t very difficult to defend a child against any harmful impact even if he watches TV programs regularly. At the same time a moderate time spent on appropriate TV programs may develop him and improve his understanding of life.
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Старый 31.01.2010, 22:28   #1306 (permalink)

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Просьба проверить мое эссе. У меня большая проблема - не могу уложиться в 40 минут и получается слишком много слов. Как можно сократить эссе?

Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to living in an apartment. Are there more advantages than disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment?

The modern lifestyle allows us to choose where to live. Some people think that there are more advantages to live in the house but at the same time others claim that living in an apartment is more suitable for people. As for me, I agree that living in a house has more advantages compared with living in a block of flats. This will be analyzed by providing pros and cons of abovementioned statement.

First advantage is that in the house you do not have neighbors above or below your flat. For instance, friend of mine who is living in the apartment complained several months ago that his neighbors from the flat under him like to listen to the music loudly during the night. He asked them to not doing this and even called to the police several times but without any help. This example clearly shows that the family living in the separate house will definitely not have any troubles with noisy neighbors just from the other side of the wall. Quietness is a main reason why people prefer to live in the house.

The second advantage is that usually each separate house has its own land where you can spend a lot of time outside the room with activities such as sunbathing, cooking the meal, playing with children and pets, growing flowers. According to the survey, people who spend 4-5 hours on the nature each day have the better health in comparison with those who spend time mostly in the apartments. There are no doubts that people who live in the house with the garden have the chance to spend their time closer to the nature and this is the main reason why people prefer living in the house.

In conclusion, quite nights in your bed without any disturbance from the neighbors from the other side of the wall and possibility to have different activities outside the building have more advantages for the persons who respect calm and healthy life. Thus I prefer to live in my own house 10-20 kilometers from the town. There is a positive trend which shows that people are moving from the crowded towns to the countryside houses and this tendency will be definitely extended to the nearest future.

375 слов
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Старый 02.02.2010, 01:43   #1307 (permalink)

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Ребята, а что значит эссе? вы заранее знаете топик и по нему пишите мини сочинение ?
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Старый 02.02.2010, 02:02   #1308 (permalink)

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ну мы тренеруемся писать сочинения, берем топики прошлых лет (и не только) и пишем по ним сочинения.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 03:54   #1309 (permalink)
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Please check and correct!!! If it is possible, please estimate me!!!

Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.
How far do you agree?
What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?


In these days, people have to work in order to support their families and needs. A job is one of the most important things in our life, but some workers, such as nurses, doctors and teachers receive less money than the film actors or company bosses. However they work harder and fulfill significant work. I will analyze this question and make suggestions about what criteria should be used to estimate salary.

Firstly, there is no doubt that social workers, like nurses, doctors and teachers play a crucial role in our society, because they help and teach us, especially when we have problems with health or we want to gain knowledge. Despite of they earn a small amount of money than less-educated actors. Therefore, many qualified doctors, teachers decide to change their professions, in order to make more money than now. As a result, for example in my country, there are lack of skilled, well- educated workers in the schools and the hospitals. Besides, many the young people do not want to choose these specialties at university.

However, there are a lot of actors, who earn huge sums of money, because they are very famous, talented and people want to watch their films. It seems unfair, that actors make more money than doctors and teachers. But they can work only short time, after people forget film stars.

So, it is completely difficult decide, what criteria should be used to estimate work. I am most declined to agree that, it will be better to pay workers according to the importance of the work that they do and qualifications, the work experience. Consequently, employee will try to work harder and more productive.

To sum up. Our society needs good doctors, teachers, in order to save and develop people. Thus , they should be rewarded according to work, qualifications and the work experience. If we do not accept a special law about equal salary, it might be late to find a doctor or teacher in the hospital or school.
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Последний раз редактировалось taha; 03.02.2010 в 05:41.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 08:10   #1310 (permalink)

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Буду очень признателен, если проверите вот этот вот)) Тут тема не сформулирована (взял с последних сданных тем, по словам очевидцев))), но то что требуется написать, вполне ясно!

An argument topic about the benefits of a life as a celebrity was given. We had to explore the pros and cons of being a celebrity and support one side.

Almost everyone dreams about being celebrity nowadays. TV and newspapers show us all the positive sides of being very popular. However, living in public might be harder that it seems to be.
Mass media shows the lives of popular musicians and actors very shining and delightful. Definitely, easy living of famous people is extremely inviting for all of us due to many reasons. First of all, every celebrity has an extremely rich and beautiful live. For example, they can afford to better houses, very expensive cars and perfect clothes. In addition, being popular means having a big number of funs over the world. Many people adore celebrities and would like be like them. As a result, famous people may have any influence on their funs. Finally, being popular means that you will probably be remembered by millions people in the world even after your death.
On the other hand, celebrities often have many negative effects of being so popular. Though rich and famous people are always showed by TV as very enjoyed and happy, living in that way may be incredible difficult and tiring. For example, popular musicians have to travel during their tours almost every day. Secondly, it appears that popular people do not have any private life. They are always followed by photographers. Eventually, it may lead to very tragic results (in example the death of Princess Diana was probably caused by photojournalists who were chasing her). Finally famous people (especially musicians) often have troubles with drug addiction.
In my opinion, being a celebrity is and extremely hard work. Though it allows you to be very rich, popular and adorable, it makes simple and confident being almost impossible. If I had a chance to become a celebrity, I would prefer to stay myself, have an ordinary work, a quiet life and an united family.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 09:51   #1311 (permalink)
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Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, эссе мужа, будем очень признательны!

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There are very many different types of music in the world today. What is a music? Formally, it is a set of notes which we have only seven! Despite of their small number we have a huge number of (1) different compositions in different styles and directions of music.
---

(1) small number… huge number -> Despite their quantity, there is a huge number of…


There are many (2) directions of music in the world, such as pop music, rock, punk, metal, classical music, (3) RnB, rave, trance, and (4) decades of others. Most of these (2) directions have their own styles, sub-styles, and different variations in different countries.
---

(2) directions -> styles
(3) RnB -> rhythm and blues; avoid abbreviations
(4) can’t say ‘decades of others’, can say ‘dozens of others’.

And, why do we need music? I think, no one have a single answer for this question. Some people use (5) music for getting better their mood, on the other (6) hand some people use it for get sad and cry. Music is able to control humans mood. Moreover, some kinds of music can create an atmosphere of curtain (? what does it mean?) culture of country.
---

(5) choice of words is incorrect. You can listen to music in order to get better. Or, you can listen to music to uplift your spirit. But, you can’t say ‘ use music for getting better their mood’.
(6) ‘on the other hand’ doesn’t sound right here, would be better to say ‘whereas others…’.
The sentence is not clear and grammatically incorrect (5, 6). Consider the following approach:

Some people turn to music to uplift their spirit. It makes them feel happier in bad times. On the contrary, some other people listen to music to get into feelings of sadness and depression. Whatever suits a person, one fact is clear – music is a great tool to tune human’s mood.

The last sentence about ‘curtain culture’ is not clear; I don’t understand what the author means by ‘curtain culture’. Did you mean ‘certain culture’?
certain – в данном контексте, «определенная культура», «некая страна».
curtain – как обычно – занавеска, покрывало и curtainculture / curtaincountry – это Северная Корея

This sort of music is named as traditional music. Every community in the world has their own style of traditional music. Songs and melodies of curtain country are very important parts of its history, traditions and culture. So, we have not rights to lose pieces of our countries history history of ours country, which were created by our parents and grandparents with hardness. Unfortunately, young generation are losing their culture and most of young people prefer only modern music which is heard everywhere nowadays.


Modern music has more variations is more variable, because of nowadays we have there are many a great possibilities of sound creation. We can use only one computer to synthesize any sound, for example, sounds of piano or guitar. I am sure that modern music has the future must live as it is a part of our culture. Furthermore, it will be a part of history for our children.
---

‘…a great possibilities..’, ‘..more variable..’, ‘..because of nowadays..’, ‘…we have..’ – all of these phrases are either wrong or not used in English in such a context.

I think music is a very important part of our lives. All generations, styles and directions of music have rights for existence to be alive, because all of them are parts of culture, life, history of different communities, countries and whole nations.
Congratulations on the first try!

I see that your husband seriously approached the topic and aimed at reviewing it from all the angles. It gave integrity to the essay.

Still, we should not forget that the recommended number of words in an essay is 250. This requirement makes essay writing a challenging task. A student has to be concise and yet precise in a way how they express themselves. So, it is important to use correct vocabulary (phrases, collocations, linking words, etc.) and arrange the essay logically, so readers don't have any doubts about student's thoughts.

You husband needs to practice concise writing when he follows a strict structure. For instance, the first 3 paragraphs of this essay could have been combined into 2-3 sentences to form the introduction. I would advise to re-write this essay a couple of times till it becomes 'perfect'.
What do you think?
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Старый 02.02.2010, 09:56   #1312 (permalink)
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А вот правда.. почему бы не попробовать переписать эссе с учетом коментариев. Пускай это будет несколько раз, зато сам факт доведения эссе до кондиции даст очень хороший позитивный заряд... Кроме того, данный подход позволит проработать грамматику и логику повествования, попрактиковать различные грам. конструкции и т.п.

Я это говорю к тому, что часто одни и те же подходы/ошибки повторяются в последующих эссе, т.е. происходит в некотором роде зацикливание на одних и тех же ошибках. И общий прогресс застревает.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 10:02   #1313 (permalink)
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Some people believe that computers are more of a hindrance than a help in today’s world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

Спасибо за анализ, совсем запутался, мне надо было привести аргументы за и против и решить проблемы????
Да собственно и вопроса ведь не было в топике. По мне так суть топика сводилась к тому, что есть компьютеры. Часть людей считает, что компьютеры - это зло и вред. Другая часть считает, что компьютеры - это круто, клево и полезно. Вопроса поставлено не было, поэтому я подумал что речь идет либо о дискуссии, либо о высказывании мнения.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 10:24   #1314 (permalink)
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I've found the following article quite useful
Free IELTS General Training Writing Test - Task 2

especially:
Your task will be marked in three areas. You will get a mark from 1 to 9 on Arguments, Ideas and Evidence, Communicative Quality and Vocabulary and Sentence Structure. Your final band for Task 2 will be effectively an average of the three marks awarded in these areas. Task 2 writing is more important than Task 1 and to calculate the final writing mark, more weight is assigned to the Task 2 mark than to Task 1's mark. To get a good overall mark though, both tasks have to be well answered so don't hold back on Task 1 or give yourself too little time to answer it properly.
Arguments, Ideas and Evidence
This mark grades you on the content of your essay. The argument is how you present your case as regards the question. The ideas part is how many and how good your ideas are in helping your argument. The evidence is the facts that you use to back up your ideas. Evidence is very important in Task 2. You need to bring in facts from your own experience in order to support your ideas. The three parts (Arguments, Ideas and Evidence) are not independent but blend together to give a good answer. Together they really present the content and substance of your essay.
Communicative Quality
This is how you are making yourself understood and whether the reader of your writing understands what you are saying. Are you communicating well with the reader and are your ideas that you want to present understood by the reader?
Vocabulary and Sentence Structure
This area looks at the your grammar and choice of words. The marker will look at whether the right grammar and words are used and whether they are used at the right time, in the right place and in the right way. Most people are predominantly worried about their grammar but, as you can see, grammar is only half of one section of three used to grade your writing. IELTS is much more interested in communication rather than grammatical accuracy.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 13:01   #1315 (permalink)
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Hello everyone. Could you please check and evaluate my IELTS essay?


Many people believe that television programs are of no value for children. Do you agree? Why or why not? Provide reasons and examples to support your response.

I disagree with this opinion because there are a lot of television programs that may be useful for children. Nowadays, television has become one of the most important providers of information and it would be wrong decision to prevent children’sfrom accessingto it. Of course, there are a lot of other sources of information such as, for example, the Internet, but whereas they are also extremely important, none of them can completely substitute television. In addition, it is much easier to filteratean information coming from TV programs than that a child might find in the Internet.

Children can learn a lot from watching TV programs. There
isare always a great opportunity to select those TV programs that will be very useful for your child. From animations and children’s moviesfilms hethey can learn basic social and communicational patterns and advance their understanding of what is good and what is bad. In order to become socially adapted, a child should watch common TV programs designed for kids. Of course, parents mustn’t allow their baby to watchwatching TV all day long. Besides, the control of (1) what programs will be watched they should also establish a limit on how much time can a child spend watching TV. For instance, some psychologists suggest that it shouldn’t be more than one hour per day.
---

(1) the sentence is hard to understand. Consider the following: Besides, parents have to maintain a proper control over programs that their children watch and set time limits, so children do not abuse it.

There are programs suitable for each particular age. For younger children the best choice would be animation films and (2) those who approach to the age of teenagers a big range of programs can be useful. For example, programs on nature, relations, music, culture, etc. They can acquire a lot of knowledge from them and significantly develop their mentality.
---

(2) not clear what you wanted to say by this, ‘..and those who approach to the age of teenagers a big range of programs can be useful’. I mean, it is a long sub-sentence, some grammar issues – okay, but it doesn’t give any information and just occupies the space of your essay.

There are always ways to shield your child from programs containing cruelty or other materials that could be harmful for baby’s psyche. It is important to be aware of what your baby gets from TV programs he watches. Therefore, parents must observe all programs that their child watches, or at least look through announcements of them. By doing thatthis they will be able to make TV watching television programs helpful for their child.


In the conclusion it isn’t very difficult to defend a child against any harmful impact even if theyhe watches TV programs regularly. At the same time a moderate time spent on appropriate TV programs may develop themhim and improve theirhis understanding of life.
--
Essay size is 389 words, which signifies the importance of concise writing.
Some ideas didn't have evidence or explanations that would support them.
Also, you slightly moved from the main topic question which is visible in the conclusion.

You had to build connections between your ideas - arguments - evidence, structure them in the main body and summarise them in the conclusion. Instead, you ended up having many unsupported ideas scattered around the text.

Arguments and Ideas.
Concentrate on 1-2 ideas per paragraph and explain them thoroughly by providing arguments, ideas, evidence, your personal experience. You shouldn’t mix pros and cons in the same paragraph. For instance, the second paragraph speaks about educational aspects of television. Well done! Provide clear statement that it is good, give ideas/arguments how it helps children development, provide evidence that it really works (for instance, a child you know that was successful at school because they used to watch educational TV), and summarize. This is it.. you don’t need to say anything else in the paragraph.

Please, try again bearing in mind that you have to be concise and specific.

P.S. A couple of words about children that you know… Don’t mess a good story with truth. Essay is a creative writing and you can draw (or imagine) any evidence you like, as long as it is fit for purpose and justifiable.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 13:31   #1316 (permalink)
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Сообщение от Konstantinus Посмотреть сообщение
Просьба проверить мое эссе. У меня большая проблема - не могу уложиться в 40 минут и получается слишком много слов. Как можно сократить эссе?

Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to living in an apartment. Are there more advantages than disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment?

Let’s try to make your essay concise and straight to the point. Okay?

1. The modern lifestyle allows us to choose where to live.
2. Some people think that there are more advantages to live in thea house but at the same timewhile others claim that living in an apartment is more suitable for people.
3. As for me, I believeagree that living in a house has more advantages compared with living in a block of flats.
4. This will be analysed by providing pros and cons of abovementioned statement.
-----
(1) Obsolete sentence, not needed.
(2) You can’t use ‘..but at the same time..’ here, as it should refer to those people described before. For instance, ‘some people think…. in a house but at the same time they are dissatisfied with…’.
(4) Obsolete sentence, not needed.

1. The first advantage is that in athe house you do not have neighbours living above or below your flat.
2. For instance, a friend of mine who is living in the apartment used to complainedseveral months ago that his about neighbours that listened to the loud music from the flat under him like to turned the listened to the music volume too loud loudly during the night.
3. He asked them to stop doingnot doing that this and even called to the police several times but without any successhelp.
4. This example clearly shows that the a family living in thea separate house will definitely not have any troubles with noisy neighbours just from the other side of the wall.
5. Quietness is a main reason why people prefer to live in atheprivate house.
---
(4) Conclusion doesn’t come from the idea and evidence. The example illustrates that you have to be ready to have noisy neighbours when you live in an apartment, BUT it doesn’t say anything about live in a private house. Besides, the sentence construction is not nice, ‘… any troubles with noisy neighbours just from the other side of the wall..’ – it’s not logical.

6. The second advantage is that usually each separate house has its own land where you can spend a lot of time outside the room with doing activities such as sunbathing, cooking the meal, playing with children and pets, or just gardeninggrowing flowers.
7. According to the survey, people who spend 4-5 hours inon the nature each day have the better health comparing toin comparison with those who spend time mostly in the apartments.
8. There are no doubts that people who live in thea house with the garden have morethe chances to spend their time closer to in the nature and this is another strongthe main reason why people prefer living in thea house.
---
(7) what survey??? The idea – argument – evidence is not logical and not relevant to topic. ‘..people who spend 4-5… better health comparing to those who spend… apartments’. You can live in a block of flats and spend 4-5 hours outside.
( how many main reasons do people have?
As you see, the idea is not well presented here. You’d better build a bridge saying that those who live in a private house generally have better health as they have more chances to spend time outside in the nature comparing to those who live in blocks of flats, etc.

In conclusion, quite nights in your bed without any disturbance from the neighbours from the other side of the wall and possibility to spend timehave different activities outside the buildingwill have more advantages for the persons who respect calm and healthy life. Thus, I prefer to live in my own house 10-20 kilometres from the town. There is a positive trend which shows that people are moving from the crowded towns to the countryside houses and this tendency will be definitely extended to the nearest future.
Я попробовал сократить твои предложения, оставив в них только то, что относится к теме и высказанной идее. Письменный экзамен требует краткости и одновременно информативности ответов, где идеи высказываются в структурированной форме и поддержаны фактами из жизни, а так же сопровождаются выводами.
У тебя с последним все окей, осталось теперь начать писать кратко.

Иногда сваливаешься к объяснению уже известных фактов или дополнениям, которые не несут смысловую нагрузку.
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Старый 02.02.2010, 13:49   #1317 (permalink)

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Ребята, а что значит эссе? вы заранее знаете топик и по нему пишите мини сочинение ?
There's a BIG difference between an essay and a сочинение (=composition)!
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Сообщение от bolo83 Посмотреть сообщение
всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Старый 02.02.2010, 14:53   #1318 (permalink)
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Please check and correct!!! If it is possible, please estimate me!!!

Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.
How far do you agree?
What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?
Let's go through the structure this time. The essay topic is really tough, challenging assignment!

1.
You have 335 words in your essay with target of 250. It means that you need to be concise in your writing. For instance, the first paragraph took 71 words but actually didn't contributed much to the questions asked in the topic.
The things like -
In these days, people have to work in order to support their families and needs. A job is one of the most important things in our life
are banalities and they don't contribute to your writing.

2.
The first paragraph ends with "I will analyze this question and make suggestions about what criteria should be used to estimate salary." and you finish the essay with "it is completely difficult decide, what criteria should be used to estimate work."
Plan essay structure, ideas - arguments - evidence links BEFORE you start writing. Outline a plan of your essay and follow it. It is a good approach while you are practicing. In some time, you will find yourself doing it faster and eventually you will be able to do it within 3-4 minutes on the exam.

3.
The topic question was Do you agree or not, and what criteria should be used to determine salary.
Throughout essay you were close to those questions but never addressed them completely. Instead you concentrated on outcomes of unfair payments (paragraphs 2, 3, 5). So, you spent lots of time on things that were not 100% relevant to the topic.
Look, surely it was valid and important to state what consequences the society can expect if the unfairness in money distribution continues, that particular jobs will become less interesting to younger generation and thus, the overall professionalism of those categories can plummet significantly in the near future. BUT, it was not expected from you to dwell on these thoughts.

4.
The ideas and supporting facts/evidence were not obvious throughout the text. You spoke about one thing a bit, then another thing, then another thing.. etc. It results in readers not being able to see the integrity and your position clearly.

What was expected (as I see it).

Introduction (10%)
Some people believe salaries do not commensurate with benefits people provide to the society. This capitalistic approach makes professions like .... to become less popular and overall level of public service goes down. I strongly believe governments have to work hard to change it in the near future.

Reasons (20%)
The current economic system concentrate wealth in the hands of people who make money, when those in top 5 have everything and others have nothing. The system is single-minded and doesn't take social aspects into consideration, so valuable and challenging professions become less important. It deters people from them which may have long term negative impact. For instance, in my country... The balance should be found.

Alternatives (50%)
I believe social value of profession should be considered. Eventually, bosses and actors want to have good doctors and excellent education for their children. For instance, there could be a mechanism developed that would give a money value to education of a student and show the role a teacher played there. I believe if it's calculated, lots of bosses and actors would be surprised. I don't think the change is gonna be easy and government should take ownership in the transformation. For instance, examples of Western/European countries where doctors are well-paid but people have to pay higher taxes in proportion to their salaries. So governments can achieve it through taxation - subsidising schemes.

Conclusion (10%)
Alternatives are good but go against an established system. It would take courage and determination from all the parties to implement them. We don't have any other option but to filfill the goal and complete the change or irreversable changes will occure (lose of knowledge, etc.).
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Старый 03.02.2010, 08:07   #1319 (permalink)
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Сообщение от Balamut5 Посмотреть сообщение
Let's go through the structure this time. The essay topic is really tough, challenging assignment!

1.
You have 335 words in your essay with target of 250. It means that you need to be concise in your writing. For instance, the first paragraph took 71 words but actually didn't contributed much to the questions asked in the topic.
The things like -
In these days, people have to work in order to support their families and needs. A job is one of the most important things in our life
are banalities and they don't contribute to your writing.

2.
The first paragraph ends with "I will analyze this question and make suggestions about what criteria should be used to estimate salary." and you finish the essay with "it is completely difficult decide, what criteria should be used to estimate work."
Plan essay structure, ideas - arguments - evidence links BEFORE you start writing. Outline a plan of your essay and follow it. It is a good approach while you are practicing. In some time, you will find yourself doing it faster and eventually you will be able to do it within 3-4 minutes on the exam.

3.
The topic question was Do you agree or not, and what criteria should be used to determine salary.
Throughout essay you were close to those questions but never addressed them completely. Instead you concentrated on outcomes of unfair payments (paragraphs 2, 3, 5). So, you spent lots of time on things that were not 100% relevant to the topic.
Look, surely it was valid and important to state what consequences the society can expect if the unfairness in money distribution continues, that particular jobs will become less interesting to younger generation and thus, the overall professionalism of those categories can plummet significantly in the near future. BUT, it was not expected from you to dwell on these thoughts.

4.
The ideas and supporting facts/evidence were not obvious throughout the text. You spoke about one thing a bit, then another thing, then another thing.. etc. It results in readers not being able to see the integrity and your position clearly.

What was expected (as I see it).

Introduction (10%)
Some people believe salaries do not commensurate with benefits people provide to the society. This capitalistic approach makes professions like .... to become less popular and overall level of public service goes down. I strongly believe governments have to work hard to change it in the near future.

Reasons (20%)
The current economic system concentrate wealth in the hands of people who make money, when those in top 5 have everything and others have nothing. The system is single-minded and doesn't take social aspects into consideration, so valuable and challenging professions become less important. It deters people from them which may have long term negative impact. For instance, in my country... The balance should be found.

Alternatives (50%)
I believe social value of profession should be considered. Eventually, bosses and actors want to have good doctors and excellent education for their children. For instance, there could be a mechanism developed that would give a money value to education of a student and show the role a teacher played there. I believe if it's calculated, lots of bosses and actors would be surprised. I don't think the change is gonna be easy and government should take ownership in the transformation. For instance, examples of Western/European countries where doctors are well-paid but people have to pay higher taxes in proportion to their salaries. So governments can achieve it through taxation - subsidising schemes.

Conclusion (10%)
Alternatives are good but go against an established system. It would take courage and determination from all the parties to implement them. We don't have any other option but to filfill the goal and complete the change or irreversable changes will occure (lose of knowledge, etc.).
Спасибо за науку. Научиться грамотно писать одно, надо еще обдуманно!!!
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You cannot judge a tree by its bark!!!
L-6,R-6,W-5,5,S-6
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Старый 03.02.2010, 08:55   #1320 (permalink)
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Спасибо за науку. Научиться грамотно писать одно, надо еще обдуманно!!!
Собственно эссе не ставит основной целью проверку грамматики. Здесь важно уметь высказать мысль, обосновать ее, привести доводы и сделать это все так, чтобы читатель понял вашу позицию.
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Старый 03.02.2010, 10:38   #1321 (permalink)
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Буду очень признателен, если проверите вот этот вот)) Тут тема не сформулирована (взял с последних сданных тем, по словам очевидцев))), но то что требуется написать, вполне ясно!

An argument topic about the benefits of a life as a celebrity was given. We had to explore the pros and cons of being a celebrity and support one side.

Almost everyone dreams about being a celebrity nowadays. TV and newspapers (1) show us all the positive sides of being very popular. However, (2) living in public might be harder that than it seems to be.
---

(1) vocabulary: TV and newspapers portrait their lives in a positive light.
(2) living in public à public life

(3) The mass media showsthe lives of popular musicians and actors (4) as very shiny and delightful. Definitely It is no surprise that (5) allegedly easy lifeliving of famous people is extremely inviting for all of us (6) due to many reasons. First of all, (7) every celebrity has an extremely rich and beautiful live. For example, they can afford to ( buy better houses, very expensive cars and perfect clothes. In addition, being popular means having a big number of fauns over the world. Many people adore celebrities and would like to be like them. As a result, famous people may have (9) strongany influence on their fauns. Finally, being popular means that you will probably be remembered by millions of people in the world even after your death. (10)
---

(3) The mass media – standard form, plural
(4) comparison form, to show smth as <quality>
(5) easy living of famous people – this is not English; + vocabulary: allegedly; + vocabulary: Dfinitely à It is no surprise that… (as it sounds much better in English and better connected with previous sentence).
(6) due to many reasons à obsolete in this context
(7) the whole sentence is practically obsolete. Look, you’ve already stated that it’s shiny and bright, you said that others want the same. You started enumerating the positive sides. So, why do you need to come back to the statement of general nature once again?
( a verb is missing, I suggest ‘buy’ or ‘have’.
(9) they may have any influence?… why any influence? any is not appropriate here.
(10) personally think that the though is incomplete. You may add smth. like – and set/change trends in many areas of life.

(11) On the other hand, celebrities often (12) have many negative effects of being so popular. Though rich and famous people are always showed by TV as the ones who very enjoyed and happy life, living in that way may be incredible difficult and tiring. For example, popular musicians have to travel during their tours almost every day. Secondly, it appears that popular people do not have any private life. They are always followed by (13) photographers. (14) Eventually, it may lead to very tragic results, for instance, (in example the death of Princess Diana which was probably caused by paparazzi photojournalists who were chasing her. Finally famous people, (especially musicians,) (15) often have troubles with drug addiction.
---

(11) vocabulary. On the other hand – is a valid thing here, though you might add more colour to your writing by asking a question. For instance, ‘So, is it all that perfect to be a celebrity? Well, some people would rather disagree’.
(12) idea is not clear enough and a bit clumsy. Rather, celebrities often mention a number of negative sides of being widely known.
(13) photographers = paparazzi in this context.
(14) it’s a weak argument. You might have explored the area of private life more and it would’ve been more valid for this context.
(15) vocabulary. often have troubles with = easily succumb to; besides it would be better in this context as that group of people can easily tend to take drugs, rather than have troubles with drug addiction.

In my opinion, being a celebrity is and (16) extremely hard work. Though it can make you allows you to be very rich, popular and adorable, it can easily take away simplicity and calmness of your life. makes simple and confident being almost impossible. If I had a chance to become a celebrity, I would prefer to (17) stay myself, have an ordinary work, a quiet life and an united family.
---
(16) honestly speaking, do something with your comparisons; you’ve got several ‘extremely’ and a couple of ‘very’, there are more words in English.
(17) vocabulary. stay = remain
Well done! Good structure, ideas are presented and supported in a right way.
There have been just a couple of places where the idea wasn't supported clearly or strongly enough.

I'd say it's a time to concentrate on enriching your vocabulary and streamlining your writing (be more concise). Therefore, I added some comments on vocabulary and ideas presentation.
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Старый 03.02.2010, 20:44   #1322 (permalink)

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Hello everyone. Could you please check and evaluate my IELTS essay?
В целом у Вас неплохой английский и Вы достаточно успешно контролируете свой 'поток' мыслей, с точки зрения грамматики и структуры предложений.

Из бросающихся в глаза проблем
1. очень длинное. Слов, наверное, 350 - 380? Вы уверены, что уложитесь на экзамене в заданные временные рамки?
2. Очень прохое вступление. первое предложение вообще-то должно быть последним в абзаце. Вступление для IELTS essay должно быть 3-4 предложения. На большее у Вас просто не хватит времени, unless you're a native or near native English speaker.
3. Слово watch в его разных формах употребляется 9 раз (я не поленилась и посчитала, так как это режет глаза)! И это никак не показатель хорошего словарного запаса и Вашего умения манипулировать английским языком.
4. Некоторые предложения (в принципе правильные с точки зрения структуры) закручены настолько 'лихо', что без 'бутылки не разберешься' . Т.е. страдает readability.
5. Возможно, следовало бы это поставить под номером 2. Где примеры? Provide reasons and examples to support your response. Примеры должны быть конкретны и многочислены. Это часть задания.


Я не буду проводить разбор ошибок , так как Ваша основная проблема - научиться выражать свои мысли в заданные временные рамки, и при этом делать это четко отвечая на вопрос.

Предлагаю переписать это эссе с учетом моих замечаний, а потом я дам 'указания' как улучшить некоторые предложения.

Какой балл Вам нужен? А то мне кажется, что я Вас нацеливаю на более высокий чем требуется.
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Сообщение от bolo83 Посмотреть сообщение
всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию
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Старый 03.02.2010, 23:44   #1323 (permalink)

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Well done! Good structure, ideas are presented and supported in a right way.
There have been just a couple of places where the idea wasn't supported clearly or strongly enough.

I'd say it's a time to concentrate on enriching your vocabulary and streamlining your writing (be more concise). Therefore, I added some comments on vocabulary and ideas presentation.
спасибо, очень полезный анализ.
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Старый 04.02.2010, 02:45   #1324 (permalink)

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Пожалуйста, дайте оценку моей работе. Спасибо заранее.

In recent years some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. This is resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country sides. This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole. What are these problems? How might they be reduced?

A frequent topic of discussions both in government circles and among ordinary citizens is a tremendous diversity between dwelling in cities and country sides due to remarkable changes in the economics and the technology the last decade. It’s needless to say that such a considerable gap between the urban areas and the rural areas affects the country as a whole negatively.

To begin with, the even development of the county is the basis of its citizens’ welfare and prosperity. Indeed, an every state aims to provide its inhabitants with proper education, medical care, work places. Otherwise, people suffering form the lack of these facilities may feel resentment and even provoke some kind of social alterations. The next problem caused by the gap is the overpopulation in cities. As a result, congested roads, environment pollution, overcrowded crèches and nursery schools are rising. Finally, migrating to the cities the rural people leave the wasteland and the abandoned agriculture factories. Sooner or later it will lead to food shortage and necessity to spend funds purchasing food from abroad.

Many government try to change such a sad situation and prevent its aggravation. From my standpoint, several steps could be undertaken. First of all, the country side needs in employment opportunities. If the majority of the large manufacturing capabilities were distributed evenly over the country it would be of benefits to both the urban areas and the rural areas. Further, the measures keeping young people in the country sides should be created. Why, for instance, not place some universities to the rural areas? In addition, an appropriate infrastructure influences the living standards positively. Lastly, the government could stimulate people to relocate in the country sides via the benefits or, in particular, the low interest rate mortgage.

To sum up, the gap between living in the cities and the rural areas arose not yesterday. Respectively, diminishing this difference can not be made at once. Nevertheless, I believe strongly that pulling up the county side to the city level will succeed in future
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Старый 04.02.2010, 07:38   #1325 (permalink)
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In recent years some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. This is resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country sides. This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole. What are these problems? How might they be reduced?
проверю сегодня, не вопрос.

Но тема!!!
In recent years some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. -- это Китай!

This is resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country sides. --- это точно Китай!

This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole. --- бояцо!!!

What are these problems? How might they be reduced? --- и ищут пути выхода

Шутка конечно
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