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Старый 08.07.2008, 15:45   #1 (permalink)
Аватар для Ёлка
 
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По умолчанию My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

Данная тема создана для удобства тех, кто хочет получить комментарии и поправки к своим пробным эссе.
Предлагаю здесь размещать свои эссе и письма

Удачи!
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греюсь в Бри после Канберры :)
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Старый 09.07.2008, 05:48   #2 (permalink)
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Буду первый со своим первым эссе.
Тяжело было выдавливать из себя мысли, т.к. даже в школе сочинения никогда сам не писал..
немного в лингво подсматривал (совсем немного) ну и шаблоны..

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Many people are talking about that parents are the best teachers for their children. Some people think that it is the best way to get good education for their kids. However, other people think that parents cannot know everything that the children have to learn in childhood. This is not easy question to answer but in this essay I will try to look at this issue.
First of all, the most of people who have kids have lived enough time to distinguish good and bad things in the life. Parents are able to teach and show their children how live in our difficult world.
Second of all, usually they are only one who may be a teacher for their children when they are young. Before kids go to kindergarten they are learning from their parents. They memorize everything of what people around them doing. Also, kids learn by heart men’s words, sounds and behavior. For example, I did not go to kindergarten, so I was at home up to six years. My only and, of course, the best teachers were my parents. From them I found out how to speak, how to behave myself at society, etcetera.
Unfortunally, people cannot know everything. I guess for this reason each child should goes to school, because not every parent is able to know subject as chemistry or biology.
As we can see, there are many aspects to this question. I think that parents may be the best teachers for their kids not only when children are very young but also when they go to school.
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Старый 09.07.2008, 07:13   #3 (permalink)
vvk
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Искал сегодня сабж для тренировки и решил написать на ту же тему (ессе AndrewEA перед написанием своего собственного не читал)
---------------------
Education is very important nowadays when the world experiences the boom of knowledge-based economy. Different countries have diverse approaches to developing education system; each has its weak and strong sides. However, many people go beyond the usual state-founded tuition in their wish to provide their children with the best education possible. They believe they are the best teachers for their children themselves and therefore able to teach their children at home.

On one hand, supporters of this point of view are right in the asserting that they know their children better than anybody else as they have been interacting with them the whole life and therefore know in which ways their offsprings accept information better. Besides, we are successful people, they say, and we know how to foster our sons and daughters in such a way they will be able to achieve our success and even overcome it.

On the other hand, there is always a threat that these self-confident parents underestimate all the difficulties of teaching on the way to the good, versatile education. Looking back at the times they were pupils they can easily overlook small bricks of knowledge seeming unimportant now but nevertheless crucial. If a man or a woman is a lawyer, for instance, he or she can neglect importance of, let's say, Biology. However, their child can have no longing for jurisprudence but have ability to become a famous Biologist. It is very important to have all the doors open at the very beginning!

In conclusion, I would like to express my own opinion. Honestly speaking, I am personally not ready to bear the full burden of my children's education. However, at the same time I am sure my explanations in Mathematics or Physics will be very useful for my kids and therefore I am trying to keep and renew the knowledge of that disciplines I still posses since my graduating. So, I believe the rule of the gold middle is applicable here as well as in many others cases.

-----
37 minutes, ~335 word
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Старый 09.07.2008, 07:23   #4 (permalink)
vvk
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Цитата:
Сообщение от AndrewEA
Буду первый со своим первым эссе.
Тяжело было выдавливать из себя мысли, т.к. даже в школе сочинения никогда сам не писал..
немного в лингво подсматривал (совсем немного) ну и шаблоны..

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Many people (are talking about that ) say parents are the best teachers for their children. Some people think that it is the best way to get good education for their kids. However, other people think that parents cannot know everything that the children have to learn in childhood. This is not easy question to answer but in this essay I will try to look at this issue.
First of all, the most of people who have kids have lived enough time to distinguish good and bad things in the life. Parents are able to teach and show their children how to live in our difficult world.
(Second of all) Secondly, (usually) they usually are only ones who may be (a) teachers for their children when they are young. Before kids go to kindergarten they are learning from their parents. They memorize everything (of what ) people around them (doing) do. Also, kids learn by heart men’s (only men? это не политкорректно) words, sounds and behavior. For example, I did not go to kindergarten, so I was at home up to six years. My only and, of course, the best teachers were my parents. From them I found out how to speak, how to behave (myself не надо) at society, etcetera.
Unfortunally, people cannot know everything. I guess for this reason each child should goes to school, because not every parent is able to know subject as chemistry or biology.
As we can see, there are many aspects to this question. I think that parents may be the best teachers for their kids not only when children are very young but also when they go to school.
Еще нехватает пустых строчек между параграфами -- они как я понимаю нужны. Заключение получилось несколько расплывчатое на мой взгляд. Вобщем, я думаю на 5ку написано.

Хотя все, как всегда, "имхейшее имхо" ((с) by sas7) . Более того, я совсем не спец в грамматике - это не самая сильная сторона моего английского.
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Старый 09.07.2008, 15:33   #5 (permalink)
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Цитата:
Буду первый со своим первым эссе.
Тяжело было выдавливать из себя мысли, т.к. даже в школе сочинения никогда сам не писал..
немного в лингво подсматривал (совсем немного) ну и шаблоны..

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
На мой взгляд эссе плохо струкурировано. Идеи должны быть раскрыты одинаково (хотя-бы по объему). А тут некая диспропорция
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Старый 10.07.2008, 10:47   #6 (permalink)
vvk
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You should spend no more than 40 minutes on this task and write at least 250 words.
Most young people fell alone on the first day when they enter the university. What do you think should the university to do to help them?
--------------
It can be said that entering the university is alike starting new life. Often it is the first time when a youth is on his\her own, far away from home, parents and friends. So, it is well understandable that many people feel lost and frustrated at these circumstances. In this essay I will try to offer a couple of steps the university management can undertake to make adaptation process go easier.

First of all, it would be nice to organize a festival on the first day of term. It can look like some large party when students of all years assemble in one place in order to hear greetings from the university head, some news about student life and may be listen to some home-grown musical bands. Basing on my own experience, I can say that this is very exhilarating not only for first years but for older students too. The very spirit of the university materializes usually at such events.

Then it is very important to organize several local meetings on the faculty. It is needed not only to provide new students with required information on faculty rules, traditions and customs but also in order to let first years get acquainted with each other in more informal atmosphere than at lectures and seminars.

And last, but not least, the curriculum and schedule of classes should be built in such a way the students have no time to be idle and bored. However, the tutors should be more tolerate to students' faults at the beginning of study in order not to make the adaptation period too hard.

In conclusion, I would like to say that despite of hard adaptation process, the years of studying at the University are usually the happiest years of anyone's life. And I wish all the future generations of students enjoy this time as well as their predecessors did.
--------------
~ 313 words, 38 minutes

Как вы думаете, покатит на 6ку?
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Старый 11.07.2008, 18:16   #7 (permalink)
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Покрититикуйте, пожалуйста, и мое эссэ:

Some people think that a sence of competition in children should be encouraged.
Other believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Teaching children using correct ways is very important for their future lifes.
Some parents and teachers think that it is more important to show kids how to fight for their
place in the life. Another opinion is that the most important skill is to be able to work together
with other people. Let's discuss these two views.

A competition makes people to work harder to achieve their goals.
If there is limited number of places in university, only the best students will get those places.
For example, you can only get into some universities if your GPA score is not less than 3.5
from 4.0. So, competition is a good thing when it is used for good reasons.

Cooperating is nessecary for people in some situations. When you need to do some comlicated
job fast, it is important to have a good command of skilled people, who used to do that kind
of job together. For example, to develope a big software project, you need to have a group of
developers with good professional and team players skills. Teaching children to be a part of the team
gives them skills for their future works.

It is very important for children to become team players. It is also important for them to be
able to win. So, both of those skills are important in different situations. I think that
to be part of the team is more important than competition skills, because you need to work
with other people more often than to compete with them, unless you are a professional sportsman.

261 слово.
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Старый 12.07.2008, 04:14   #8 (permalink)
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Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs. Which one of these opinions do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

This question from my point of view is controversial one. Because one part of people thinks that their society and country are needed in new computer technology. Another part of people thinks that there are more important things. In the following paragraphs I will try to analyze both of these views and will present my point of view.

The first thing that should be noted is that countries are needed in new technologies. Computers are everywhere in our life. It must be every time new and be in conformity with world standards. So without new developing it fast become obsolete.

Secondly, it is well-known fact that computer technology makes our life easy. For example, in last few years in shops, subways, cafes and other public places appeared pay terminals which may be used for payment fees or bills. So now people should not go to banks or other pay centers and spend their time for staying in queue.

In addition to this information should also be stressed that governments cannot spend all budget money only for one option. Governments should assign only one part of money to developing or buying new computer technology. If government has got only fast computers, program codes and information it will be not enough to build new houses, schools, hospitals, etcetera for their citizens.

Taking all this points of views into consideration I would say that new computer technology makes big contribution to our world. So I think that governments should spend some part of budget money on developing and buying computer technologies but only some not as much as they can.

+++
267 слов. убито около часа времени.
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Старый 28.07.2008, 09:45   #9 (permalink)
Аватар для Alexander Usov
 
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По умолчанию Check my essay, please

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons.


It is well known fact, that millions of people die every year from lung cancer as a result of smoking. So many countries prohibit smoking in public places. In particular, companies don’t allow smoking in their offices. However some people think it disturb their individual freedom and selection. In this essay I will consider some of the arguments for and against banning of tobacco.

There are several important causes of limitation of tobacco. First of all, people who don’t smoke, suffer from fume and smell in their offices and public places like restaurants, bars and cafe. The scientists are sure that passive smoking is harmful for our health at the same value. Secondly, smoking has to be banned in public places like kindergartens, school s and universities. Undoubtedly, children and young people don’t have to see how adults smoke cigarettes because they always learn and get experience from them. A third point is that authority should forbid smoking in hotels because is not safe for the clients. There are many evidences of fires in hotels because someone forgets to put out a cigarette. In summary all these arguments demonstrate necessary of banning of smoking.

However, some people believe that prohibiting of smoking is not right decision. Most smokers like to say it is our selection and nobody can disturb our freedom. We can’t accuse them because tobacco was imported in Europe and for many years smoking is tradition and style of living of successful people. Furthermore, banning in cafй and restraints can impact on amount of clients. Therefore the better idea is to have two areas for smokers and nonsmokers.

In conclusion, banning smoking is necessary measure for health of nation. In my opinion we have to prohibit advertisement of tobacco on mass media and parents have to explain damage of tobacco to their children. We all are responsible for future of our generations.
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Старый 29.07.2008, 01:36   #10 (permalink)
lx
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По умолчанию Re: Check my essay, please

Цитата:
Сообщение от Alexander Usov
Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons.
Привет!

Я сам как раз в процессе подготовки, поэтому могу быть очень субъективен в оценке и необходимых исправлениях.

Часто повторяется "banning" и "public places". Понятно, что взято из вопроса, но, м.б., заменять на синонимы?

Несколько моментов по словарю:
Табачный дым как раз smoke.
"...disturb their individual freedom and selection" - disturb(S), selection... ммм.... м.б. "restrict", "choice"?
"at the same value" - м.б. value -> extent ? Я, когда слова не хватает, или не уверен в построенной фразе или грамматике, сразу ищу "обходные пути"
"...they always learn and get experience from them." - "Кто на чем стоял?"
authority ->authorities
"because (it) is not safe for clients" - по-моему, пропущено местоимение?
"In summary all these arguments demonstrate necessary(necessity) of banning of smoking." - ?
"it is our(their) selection(choice)" - ?
"nonsmokers(non-smokers)" - ?
"damage(harm) of tobacco" - ?

По оценке: очень большое имхо - не больше 6.

PS: комментарии очень субъективны, т.к. сам в процессе подготовки...
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Старый 29.07.2008, 01:40   #11 (permalink)
lx
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Цитата:
Сообщение от vvk
You should spend no more than 40 minutes on this task and write at least 250 words.
Most young people fell alone on the first day when they enter the university. What do you think should the university to do to help them?
--------------
Как вы думаете, покатит на 6ку?

Думаю, что Вы скромничаете. 6-ка тут точно есть. Мне кажется, что минимум 7.
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Старый 29.07.2008, 03:34   #12 (permalink)
vvk
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Цитата:
Сообщение от lx
Цитата:
Сообщение от vvk
You should spend no more than 40 minutes on this task and write at least 250 words.
Most young people fell alone on the first day when they enter the university. What do you think should the university to do to help them?
--------------
Как вы думаете, покатит на 6ку?

Думаю, что Вы скромничаете. 6-ка тут точно есть. Мне кажется, что минимум 7.
Спасибо!

Сдавал тут 26го июля в Питере, написал вроде бы не хуже чем здесь -- посмотрим что поставят
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Старый 29.07.2008, 16:18   #13 (permalink)
Аватар для Alexander Usov
 
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По умолчанию Re: Check my essay, please

Цитата:
Сообщение от lx
Цитата:
Сообщение от Alexander Usov
Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons.
Привет!

Я сам как раз в процессе подготовки, поэтому могу быть очень субъективен в оценке и необходимых исправлениях.

Часто повторяется "banning" и "public places". Понятно, что взято из вопроса, но, м.б., заменять на синонимы?

Несколько моментов по словарю:
Табачный дым как раз smoke.
"...disturb their individual freedom and selection" - disturb(S), selection... ммм.... м.б. "restrict", "choice"?
"at the same value" - м.б. value -> extent ? Я, когда слова не хватает, или не уверен в построенной фразе или грамматике, сразу ищу "обходные пути"
"...they always learn and get experience from them." - "Кто на чем стоял?"
authority ->authorities
"because (it) is not safe for clients" - по-моему, пропущено местоимение?
"In summary all these arguments demonstrate necessary(necessity) of banning of smoking." - ?
"it is our(their) selection(choice)" - ?
"nonsmokers(non-smokers)" - ?
"damage(harm) of tobacco" - ?

По оценке: очень большое имхо - не больше 6.

PS: комментарии очень субъективны, т.к. сам в процессе подготовки...
Добрый день!
Большое спасибо за исправления.

Пара вопросов кто знает. Я проверял в Лингво помоему можно и тот и другой вариант использовать.

nonsmokers(non-smokers)
damage(harm) of tobacco
well known(well-known)
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Старый 03.08.2008, 17:12   #14 (permalink)
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Буду благодарен всем кто сможет проверить мое эссе.

Do the benefits of study abroad justify the difficulties? What advice would you offer to a prospective student?

Today, many young people can get higher education in foreign country. No doubt, global thinking and knowledge other culture are big advantages. At the same time, you have to live separately from your family and friends. This essay will discuss some arguments for and against getting education abroad.

There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one. First of all, people have to study new language and culture. As a result they can compare their own culture with foreign one and think more globally. The second point is that people get better standards of teaching abroad than in their own country. For instance, there are many Asian students which go in Australia to get tertiary education. Before enroll at a university they usually pass IELTS exam. Finally, after several year of studying young people make friends. So they can share their time together and have interesting and fun life.

On the other hand, there several disadvantages of getting degree abroad. The main bad point is that students have to live there without parents, relatives and old friends. Therefore man can feel loneliness and nostalgia. The next point is that tuition fee is usually more expensive than it at home. Moreover, young people have to find accommodation to live in and will have to pay for it during their education.

To sum up, I sincere believe that we have to extent the opportunities for our children to get education abroad. But parents don’t have to forget about issues there and have to support them. I’m sure exchange of knowledge and cultures is progress for our civilization.
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Старый 04.08.2008, 16:51   #15 (permalink)
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Думаю "There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one." следует переместить во вступление. В первом эссе тоже самое. Т.к. именно в первом параграфе должна описываться суть проблемы и то что вы собираетесь писать ниже.
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Старый 04.08.2008, 20:23   #16 (permalink)
Аватар для Alexander Usov
 
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Цитата:
Сообщение от AndrewEA
Думаю "There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one." следует переместить во вступление. В первом эссе тоже самое. Т.к. именно в первом параграфе должна описываться суть проблемы и то что вы собираетесь писать ниже.
В этом первом предложении я пишу о чем будет этот параграф - агрументы за. Структура взята с
http://www.writefix.com/argument/body2.htm
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Старый 05.08.2008, 01:20   #17 (permalink)

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Today, many young people can get higher education in a foreign country. No doubt, global thinking and knowledge of another culture are big advantages. At the same time, you have to live separately from your family and friends. This essay will discuss some arguments for and against getting education abroad.

There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one. First of all, people have to study a new language and culture. As a result they can compare their own culture with the foreign one and think more globally. The second point is that people get better standards of teaching abroad than in their own country. For instance, there are many Asian students which go to Australia to get tertiary education. Before enrolling at a university they usually pass an IELTS exam. Finally, after several year of study young people make friends. So they can share their time together and have an interesting and fun life.

On the other hand, there are several disadvantages of getting a degree abroad. The main bad point is that students have to live there without parents, relatives and old friends. Therefore man can feel lonely and nostalgic. The next point is that tuition fees are usually more expensive than they are at home. Moreover, young people have to find accommodation to live in and will have to pay for it during their education.

To sum up, I sincerely believe that we have to extend the opportunities for our children to get education abroad. But parents don’t have to forget about issues there and have to support them. I’m sure the exchange of knowledge and cultures is progress for our civilization.
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Старый 12.08.2008, 14:53   #18 (permalink)
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Цитата:
Сообщение от Lavrentiy
Today, many young people can get higher education in a foreign country. No doubt, global thinking and knowledge of another culture are big advantages. At the same time, you have to live separately from your family and friends. This essay will discuss some arguments for and against getting education abroad.

There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one. First of all, people have to study a new language and culture. As a result they can compare their own culture with the foreign one and think more globally. The second point is that people get better standards of teaching abroad than in their own country. For instance, there are many Asian students which go to Australia to get tertiary education. Before enrolling at a university they usually pass an IELTS exam. Finally, after several year of study young people make friends. So they can share their time together and have an interesting and fun life.

On the other hand, there are several disadvantages of getting a degree abroad. The main bad point is that students have to live there without parents, relatives and old friends. Therefore man can feel lonely and nostalgic. The next point is that tuition fees are usually more expensive than they are at home. Moreover, young people have to find accommodation to live in and will have to pay for it during their education.

To sum up, I sincerely believe that we have to extend the opportunities for our children to get education abroad. But parents don’t have to forget about issues there and have to support them. I’m sure the exchange of knowledge and cultures is progress for our civilization.
Спасибо. Ваши исправления были очень полезными.
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Старый 12.08.2008, 14:58   #19 (permalink)
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Вот очередной 'шедевр'. Покритикуйте пожалуйста.

Topic: Some people prefer to work for a large company. Others prefer to work for a small company. Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Many people believe that it is better to make career in a corporation. However, other choose a small firm for it. In this essay, I will consider benefits of working for these two types of the companies.

There are many advantages of working for a large firm like a multinational corporation. First of all, one gets a steady job. A large company usually has a specified share of the market and as a result one has many clients. Secondly, as a rule employees in a corporation have some perks. For instance, while they are sick, employer pays them a sickness benefit. Moreover, after definite term one gets a paid holiday. Finally, the workers of the large corporation have more opportunities to be promoted, in contract to their colleagues in a small company. It is the known fact, that there are more open as well as new positions in a big company.

On the other hand, there are some benefit of employing for a small firm like a start-up. No doubt, an employee usually has more responsibility because he has to do different types of work at the same time. For example, one can be responsible for working with the clients as well as run some technical work. As a result, one becomes more experienced and knows how a company work inside. In additional, worker can feel own important for the company and has more opportunities for a self-realization.

In conclusion, I am sure it is very useful to have experience of working in both type of the companies. In the future, it allows you to create your own start-up or make successful career in a multinational company.
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Старый 17.08.2008, 06:51   #20 (permalink)

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Цитата:
Сообщение от Alexander Usov
Вот очередной 'шедевр'. Покритикуйте пожалуйста.
ИМХО - хорошо. Правильные связки, vocabulary, грамматика.
Мне кажется только, это не эссе "За-против". Здесь задание скорее - "Выбрать одну точку зрения и расписать с доказательствами". Как правило 1 абзац вступление, 2-3 абзаца - раскрытие идеи и доказательства, 4-5 - вскольз говорим о второй точке зрения, и заключение.
Если правильно будете использовать более сложные пердложения (например, причастные обороты), - балл должен быть выше
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Старый 28.08.2008, 16:29   #21 (permalink)
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Прошу покритиковать эссе.

Topic: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Many people believe that in order to combat crime, the most effective means are the jails and the police. However, other think it’s better to effect on the causes of the misdeeds such as bad education and poverty. In this essay I will discuss both points of view.

There are several important causes why people commit a crime. First of all, the shortage of the educational can lead to a crime. It is obvious that a good education allows to get a well-paid job. The second reason is poverty that can turn people in the criminals. So, the state has to create the work places and develop business. As a result it will decrease the unemployment and crime. Finally, it is a well-known fact that the maintenance of the jails and the police are very expensive for the state. In many cases, community service are more right sentence than a prison.

On the other hand, there are many evidence when rich and well-educated people commit the crimes. For instance, children from the rich families can take drugs. Their parents spend most of the time at work and don’t attend to their children in the enough extent. Moreover, last decades bring us new type of the fraud such as computer crimes. In this case one has to have a very good education for it. Furthermore, there are crimes such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling. It’s clear that these kinds of offences demand the serious punishment such as prison or even capital punishment.

In conclusion, I agree that firstly we have to understand causes of crime. In this case only we can decrease crime and create more safe society for our future generations.
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Старый 30.08.2008, 05:09   #22 (permalink)

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Цитата:
Сообщение от Alexander Usov
Прошу покритиковать эссе.
Given:
282 words
To what extent -> analyze/discuss; convert to pros-cons essay pattern; support one side
Теперь имхо:
1) Стилистика/правописание
Первое предложение - не английская речь. Было бы ...in order to... ...means ...like ... should be used. Наверно было был лучше.
the jails and the police - the не надо
other think -> others think/the rest think
effect - не в тему
bad education - a bad education
causes - часто, можно roots, reasons, etc
the shortage of the educational - артикли и educational (???)
Все поинты - first of all, second, etc - лучше отдельными параграфами
to create the work places and develop business - to create the work places and TO develop A business
As a result it - As a result, it
it will decrease the unemployment - decrease - это когда что-то само уменьшается, а не уменьшает. reflective verb или как там его?
ед/мн.число местами не обозначено/артикли страдают
Moreover, last decades bring us ... - wrong tense
2) Структура
Меняем pattern на pros-cons модель - Is policy of force/Are coercive actions enough to put an end to crimes?
Нужно выделить свое отношение и поддержать его 2-3-мя поинтами, в конце дать противоположную точку зрения, в концовке - обобщить. У Вас - немного скомкано, поинты не выделены, концовка - завалена немного.

В целом - оригинальный ход мыслей, есть использование вводных фраз, нужно работать над стилистикой
jenja вне форума   Ответить с цитированием
Старый 30.08.2008, 17:29   #23 (permalink)
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Прошу оценить эссе.

Topic: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Many people believe that in order to combat crime, the most effective means are the jails and the police. However, other think it’s better to effect on the causes of the misdeeds such as bad education and poverty. In this essay I will discuss both points of view.

There are several important causes why people commit a crime. First of all, the shortage of the educational can lead to a crime. It is obvious that a good education allows to get a well-paid job. The second reason is poverty that can turn people in the criminals. So, the state has to create the work places and develop business. As a result it will decrease the unemployment and crime. Finally, it is a well-known fact that the maintenance of the jails and the police are very expensive for the state. In many cases, community service are more right sentence than a prison.

On the other hand, there are many evidence when rich and well-educated people commit the crimes. For instance, children from the rich families can take drugs. Their parents spend most of the time at work and don’t attend to their children in the enough extent. Moreover, last decades bring us new type of the fraud such as computer crimes. In this case one has to have a very good education for it. Furthermore, there are crimes such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling. It’s clear that these kinds of offences demand the serious punishment such as prison or even capital punishment.

In conclusion, I agree that firstly we have to understand causes of crime. In this case only we can decrease crime and create more safe society for our future generations.
Alexander Usov вне форума   Ответить с цитированием
Старый 30.08.2008, 20:33   #24 (permalink)

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Alexander,

Я обычно этим не занимаюсь, но вот от "балды" решила подкорректировать Ваш ответ на вопрос. Мои замечания (уж извиняйте, что строгие):

1. Вы пишите хоть и английскими словами, но "по-русски"... это довольно частое явление, т.к. не нэйтивам свойственно буквально переводить русские предложения на английский. Совет - читайте больше книг на английском - очень поможет правильно строить предложения.

2. Приводя свой пример ответа на вопрос, я пыталась оставаться как можно ближе к Вашим собственным ответам. Но хочу Вам сказать, что чёткая линия ответа в Вашем ессее отсуствует и мысли "блуждают". Старайтесь не перепрыгивать с одной мысли на другую и старайтесь чётче выражать свои мысли.

3. Следите за артиклями



Удачи на экзамене!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Topic: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Many people believe that in order to combat crime, the most effective means are the jails and the police. However, other think it’s better to effect on the causes of the misdeed such as bad education and poverty. In this essay I will discuss both points of view.

Some people believe that the two most effective methods for reducing crime are the police force and jails. However, others think that the best way to fight rising levels of crime is to address the underlaying factors such as poor education and poverty.

There are several important causes why people commit a crime. First of all, the shortage of the educational can lead to a crime. It is obvious that a good education allows to get a well-paid job. The second reason is poverty that can turn people in the criminals. So, the state has to create the work places and develop business. As a result it will decrease the unemployment and crime. Finally, it is a well-known fact that the maintenance of the jails and the police are very expensive for the state. In many cases, community service are more right sentence than a prison.

There are several reasons that push people towards committing a crime in the first place. One of such reasons is inadequate education. It is obvious that a person with a solid education background is usually able to get a well paid job and lead a fairly high standard of life. Another reason that could potentially force a person towards committing a crime is poverty. While it is clearly the responsibility of each individual to find a job, strong government support is required to create more employment opportunities. Lowering levels of unemployment will lead to a decrease in levels of crime. Finally, it is a well known fact that there are high costs associated with maintenance of jails and the police force. In many cases, these costs can be reduced by substituting jail sentences with community service.

On the other hand, there are many evidence when rich and well-educated people commit the crimes. For instance, children from the rich families can take drugs. Their parents spend most of the time at work and don’t attend to their children in the enough extent. Moreover, last decades bring us new type of the fraud such as computer crimes. In this case one has to have a very good education for it. Furthermore, there are crimes such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling. It’s clear that these kinds of offences demand the serious punishment such as prison or even capital punishment.

On the other hand, there are many cases when well educated and wealthy people commit a crime. For example, children from wealthy families sometimes turn to drugs. This is often due to the fact that their parents spend a lot of time at work and do not have the time to look after their children. Moreover, computer-based crimes became very common over the last few decades. In order to commit an on-line fraud, in most cases a person has to be fairly computer literate and well educated. Furthermore, serious criminal offences such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling are blooming. It is obvious that such types of offences demand substantial punishment such as prison sentences or, in some circumstances, even harsher punishments such as capital punishment.

In conclusion, I agree that firstly we have to understand causes of crime. In this case only we can decrease crime and create more safe society for our future generations.

In conclusion, I’d like to stress just how important it is to understand the underlaying causes for people to commit a crime. If we have a full understanding as to why people commit certain crimes in the first place we would be able to address these underlaying causes and, as a result, build a safer society for our future generations.
Porosenok_aust and Hubll like this.
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Старый 31.08.2008, 10:37   #25 (permalink)
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Цитата:
Сообщение от jenja
Цитата:
Сообщение от Alexander Usov
Прошу покритиковать эссе.
Given:
282 words
To what extent -> analyze/discuss; convert to pros-cons essay pattern; support one side
Теперь имхо:
1) Стилистика/правописание
Первое предложение - не английская речь. Было бы ...in order to... ...means ...like ... should be used. Наверно было был лучше.
the jails and the police - the не надо
other think -> others think/the rest think
effect - не в тему
bad education - a bad education
causes - часто, можно roots, reasons, etc
the shortage of the educational - артикли и educational (???)
Все поинты - first of all, second, etc - лучше отдельными параграфами
to create the work places and develop business - to create the work places and TO develop A business
As a result it - As a result, it
it will decrease the unemployment - decrease - это когда что-то само уменьшается, а не уменьшает. reflective verb или как там его?
ед/мн.число местами не обозначено/артикли страдают
Moreover, last decades bring us ... - wrong tense
2) Структура
Меняем pattern на pros-cons модель - Is policy of force/Are coercive actions enough to put an end to crimes?
Нужно выделить свое отношение и поддержать его 2-3-мя поинтами, в конце дать противоположную точку зрения, в концовке - обобщить. У Вас - немного скомкано, поинты не выделены, концовка - завалена немного.

В целом - оригинальный ход мыслей, есть использование вводных фраз, нужно работать над стилистикой
Спасибо Вам за советы. Могу я у Вас уточнить, что вы имеете в виду об изменении стилистики. Я пытался написать эссе в стиле both sides of the argument(3,7,7,3). Использую источник http://www.writefix.com/argument/. Я уже не раз встречал, что при перечислении аргументов их лучше выносить в отдельные параграфы. Может есть разные школы написания эссе существуют ? А каким Вы пользуетесь материалом для написания эссе.
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