My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[АнатолийI]

Rus_R, попробуйте уменьшить кол-во или обыграть как обойтись без слова that.
В conclusion, я бы заменил therefore на что-нибудь более подходящее (to sum up, in conclusion etc).
В основных параграфах как-то мудренно
..it is becoming very popular - может лучше has become / has been becoming..

...it is very convenient to have this type of education as a person can decide by themselves what schedule they will have..я бы написал так This kind of study is convenient for students who prefer to manage their time..

[Rus_R]

Rus_R, попробуйте уменьшить кол-во или обыграть как обойтись без слова that.
В conclusion, я бы заменил therefore на что-нибудь более подходящее (to sum up, in conclusion etc).
В основных параграфах как-то мудренно
..it is becoming very popular - может лучше has become / has been becoming..

...it is very convenient to have this type of education as a person can decide by themselves what schedule they will have..я бы написал так This kind of study is convenient for students who prefer to manage their time..

Спасибо, попробую изменить. Я тоже заметила, что многие мои предложения стоятся однотипно, однотипно не очень хорошо.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Если можно, то скажите ошибки и приблизительную оценку.

These days Internet-based courses have become a popular alternative to the university-based courses. Some students prefer this type of learning because they do not need to attend lectures. Others argue that it is important to study at university.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The varieties of the form of education that have appeared in the recent years allow students to choose those one that suits them best. Some prefer Internet-based education, whereas others choose traditional form of attending courses.

Английский, английский и еще раз английский, как завещал сами знаете кто

--> Various approaches to education that have emerged in recent years allow students to choose those the one that suits them best.

... traditional form of attending courses. - What is this 'traditional form of attending courses'? Do you mean face-to-face education?


Cliche:

It is certainly true that Internet-based education is one of the newest forms and it is becoming very popular among the students for several reasons.

И я правильно поняла, что перед тем как писать это эссе вы ничего на данную тему на английском не читали? Иначе бы использовали синонимы к internet-based courses и знали бы что такое face-to-face ...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем доброго здравия!
Если кто желает покритиковать, заранее спасибо:

Mass media is greatly contributing to the development of youth all over the world because of its easy accessibility. Some say that the influence of media on the day-to-day lives of these adolescents is more harmful than advantageous.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Nowadays mass media influences young generation permanently. There are two different opinions - whether such impact is more positive than harmful or not. The essay will deal with both of points of view before the logical conclusion will be showed.

......

To sum up, it goes without saying that mass media affects its users considerably. Despite the fact that some hurtful consequences of such interaction exist, youngsters will receive more benefits than harm as long as they avoid using negative media.

Выделенное красным и зеленым - близнецы-братья, что свидетельствует об отсутствии умения перефразировать на уровне предложения.

Кроме того, совершенно непонятно употребление слова permanently. Что вы хотите сказать?

There are two different opinions - whether such impact is more positive than harmful or not. - я нашла только одно opinion: harmful or not. А где второе?

The essay will deal with both of points of view --> both points of view

logical conclusion will be showed --> will be reached

negative media - what's that?

[Vyacheslav16]

negative media - what's that?

"Плохие" СМИ?

[Rus_R]

Английский, английский и еще раз английский, как завещал сами знаете кто

--> Various approaches to education that have emerged in recent years allow students to choose those the one that suits them best.

... traditional form of attending courses. - What is this 'traditional form of attending courses'? Do you mean face-to-face education?


Cliche:


И я правильно поняла, что перед тем как писать это эссе вы ничего на данную тему на английском не читали? Иначе бы использовали синонимы к internet-based courses и знали бы что такое face-to-face ...

Да, я по немногу читаю Ваши useful readings, но до обучения еще не дошла, поэтому не знаю правильных синонимов.
Грамматика, да, хромая на полторы ноги.
Оценка и до 6 не дотянет?

[Kuka]

Здравствуйте, я недавно начала подготовку к IELTS и была бы рада любым комментариям к моему эссэ. Заранее всем благодарна
In some countries, criminal trials in law court are telecasted on TV for public. Do you think advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

In a fact, there is an ongoing debate regarding courts being aired. Some opponents believe that the showing of trials on television is beneficial for public while others point out that these shows have a negative influence on audience and should be banned. In this essay, I would like to outline some arguments in favor of each opinion and present my point of view.
Firstly, there is something to say about benefits of it. The televising of trials and other judicial proceedings serve to give a better understanding of judiciary system as well as allegedly increasing the chance of a fair trial. If criminal court is televised a huge audience would become aware of this process that makes judges and jury more responsible. Besides, the showing of cases on television would acknowledge the potential criminals of the treatment they can receive when they commit crimes thus discouraging them from doing it.
On the other hand, it is generally thought that media has a way of swaying public opinion that can lead to deplorable results. For example, life of innocent people would be ruined if public decided they were guilty even a jury found them innocent due to the lack of evidence. However, not only does this drawback merit consideration. Also, some media can portray a much more distorted picture of a trial and convert a case into ‘’media zoo’’. As a consequence, far from creating fairer cases, TV coverage will create more miscarriages of justice.
In conclusion, it is difficult to weight up all pros and cons of this issue. I believe that each person being put on trial has a right to privacy and he/she has to decide whether this case should be aired or not.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Да, я по немногу читаю Ваши useful readings, но до обучения еще не дошла, поэтому не знаю правильных синонимов.

Тогда наверное надо писать эссе на темы, кот. уже 'прошли'?

Грамматика, да, хромая на полторы ноги.
Оценка и до 6 не дотянет?

Дотянет. А сколько вам надо?

[Rus_R]

Тогда наверное надо писать эссе на темы, кот. уже 'прошли'?


Дотянет. А сколько вам надо?

Чтоб было больше 60 надо 7-ки. У меня где-то год в запасе, сейчас хожу на курсы подготовки к экзамену, на работе курсы агнл обычные, там подтягиваю грамматику. Пока в начале пути.
Это эссе запостила так как нам его на курсах задали. Там не спрашивают читали ли мы что-то на эту тему.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте, я недавно начала подготовку к IELTS и была бы рада любым комментариям к моему эссэ. Заранее всем благодарна
In some countries, criminal trials in law court are telecasted on TV for public. Do you think advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

In a fact, there is an ongoing debate regarding courts being aired. Some opponents believe that the showing of trials on television is beneficial for public while others point out that these shows have a negative influence on audience and should be banned. In this essay, I would like to outline some arguments in favor of each opinion and present my point of view.
Firstly, there is something to say about benefits of it. The televising of trials and other judicial proceedings serve to give a better understanding of judiciary system as well as allegedly increasing the chance of a fair trial. If criminal court is televised a huge audience would become aware of this process that makes judges and jury more responsible. Besides, the showing of cases on television would acknowledge the potential criminals of the treatment they can receive when they commit crimes thus discouraging them from doing it.
On the other hand, it is generally thought that media has a way of swaying public opinion that can lead to deplorable results. For example, life of innocent people would be ruined if public decided they were guilty even a jury found them innocent due to the lack of evidence. However, not only does this drawback merit consideration. Also, some media can portray a much more distorted picture of a trial and convert a case into ‘’media zoo’’. As a consequence, far from creating fairer cases, TV coverage will create more miscarriages of justice.
In conclusion, it is difficult to weight up all pros and cons of this issue. I believe that each person being put on trial has a right to privacy and he/she has to decide whether this case should be aired or not.

I have a kind of unsettling feeling about this essay.

On the one hand, there are quite a few interesting points expressed in good and rather advanced English. There are some complex sentences that demonstrate your English is at an advanced level. At the same time there are basic mistakes that shouldn't be here at this level of English. On top of this, your Introduction is confusing and badly organised. And one more thing: if your English is really good, drop the cliches: they only interfere with the flow of the essay.

In short, I'm not sure what score to award.

And a special request: if you ever going to post essays here again, please leave a line between the paragraphs! I'd recommend the same for 'real' IELTS writing anyway.

[evstigneeff]

Всем доброго времени суток. Недавно наткнулся на форуме (в ветке про написание эссе) на статьи относительно этого вопроса от IELTS Buddy и несколько пересмотрел мнение о том как надо его писать. Проверьте пожалуйста моё эссе и дайте примерную оценку. Не надеюсь конечно на 7ку, но интересно стал ли я писать эссе хоть чуточку лучше...
Заранее большое спасибо.

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both these views and five your own opinion.

While some people consider separate education for boys and girls as beneficial, others claim that all kids should visit mixed school, and this is more correct type of enlightenment. This essay will examine both side of the issue.

On the one hand, when boys and girls go to different educational institutions, they are supposed to be more successful in studying and achieve greater results. In other words, they won't be distracted by representatives of opposite sex and, therefore, pay more attention to learning. In addition, some parents may prefer this type of education because of some religious or ethical reasons. For example, such kind of schools were quite common in the past and helped to prevent possible intimate contacts between men and women before marriage.

On the other hand, youngsters during their school time have to obtain not only academic knowledge but also some social skills. Without any doubt, representatives of both genders should socialize, learn to respect each other and know how to collaborate because these skills will be vital in their further life. It is worth also mentioning that at present time more and more representatives of non-traditional sexual orientation are appearing throughout the world. So separation of children can lead to increase of non-traditional families' number and, eventually, to demographic crisis.

To sum up, I strongly believe that education in mixed schools is more advantageous for society because children will grow up more prepared to real life. I think that most of people agree with me because this type of education is widespread at present time.

[АнатолийI]

evstigneeff, читается хорошо
запятые кое-где пропущены;
So separation of children может заменить so ?
в интродакшн не хватает background sentence

[АнатолийI]

Выделенное красным и зеленым - близнецы-братья, что свидетельствует об отсутствии умения перефразировать на уровне предложения.

Кроме того, совершенно непонятно употребление слова permanently. Что вы хотите сказать?

There are two different opinions - whether such impact is more positive than harmful or not. - я нашла только одно opinion: harmful or not. А где второе?

The essay will deal with both of points of view --> both points of view

logical conclusion will be showed --> will be reached

negative media - what's that?

I get it, thanks.

permanently - имел ввиду постоянно. Could I replace it by constantly?

Regarding two opinion: What would you say about that: ...positive than harmful or opposite.

negative media - it's stupid enough
Instead of that, let me go with "bad-influence media"? or.. just help

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I get it, thanks.

permanently - имел ввиду постоянно. Could I replace it by constantly?

Yes you can. But how about a less frequently used word: profusely?
And anyway, this sentence needs to be nominalised. Otherwise it sounds very childish.

Regarding two opinion: What would you say about that: ...positive than harmful or opposite.

or vice versa - one of many options.

negative media - it's stupid enough
Instead of that, let me go with "bad-influence media"? or.. just help

...avoid negative (=adverse) impact of media / media impact - something along these lines

[Kuka]

I have a kind of unsettling feeling about this essay.

On the one hand, there are quite a few interesting points expressed in good and rather advanced English. There are some complex sentences that demonstrate your English is at an advanced level. At the same time there are basic mistakes that shouldn't be here at this level of English. On top of this, your Introduction is confusing and badly organised. And one more thing: if your English is really good, drop the cliches: they only interfere with the flow of the essay.

In short, I'm not sure what score to award.

And a special request: if you ever going to post essays here again, please leave a line between the paragraphs! I'd recommend the same for 'real' IELTS writing anyway.

Maimiti_Isabella,

Very many thanks for your useful comments. I'll take it into account. I would like to apologise for any confusion caused.

with best regards