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30 мая я сдаю Academic Writing. Подготовка к нему перешла в интенсивную стадию)
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Спасибо!
In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Increasing consumption of fast food in certain countries is causing serious health damage to their citizens [what's wrong with tourists?]. Some people believe that governments should act more radically [more than what or when?] to solve this problem. [раз] This essay will put forward the notion that tax on fast food should be significantly increased [in order to ... - иначе очень резкий переход]. Initially [?], this position will be proven by an analysis of impact such decision [decision to eat unhealthy food or to increase the tax?] may have on the level of sales of fast food products [fast food products are not fast food]. A discussion of the use of additional funds raised by tax authorities as a result of increase in the tax will also support the position stated above.
Firstly, imposing higher tax on unhealthy food would make it more expensive and, thus, less appealing to consumers [лучше так - первая причина, почему налог на еду должен быть увеличен (сразу видна связь с ключевым предложением из первого параграфа), состоит в том, что ...]. For instance, many fast food restaurant chains, such as McDonald’s, tend to attract their customers by offering their products for relatively cheap prices [только что было less appealing, а теперь в иллюстрирующем примере attract customers]. Therefore [therefore (т.е, следовательно) относится к тому, что в Маке дешевые цены, или к тому, что less attractive? ], significant increase in the rate of tax on fast food products and corresponding rise in their prices might alienate some part of these chains’ clients. This will reduce negative impact unhealthy food has on people’s health [а логически получается, что отсутствие клиентов не уменьшит негативный эффект от такой еды, т.к. люди не будут есть её вообще].
Secondly, additional money raised from the higher tax could be invested in healthcare system to combat the health issues resulting from the consumption of unhealthy food. For example [это example чего? предыдущее предложение о налоговых сборах, и пример должен быть соответствующий], many people that [грамматика и лексика - отдельная песня, но для 8ки путать who с that ну непростительно] eat fast food regularly are suffering from health diseases [many? really?]. Governments may use funds raised from increase in the tax on fast food to tackle such health problems [how? unfinished thought]. Thus, it is clear that there are clearbenefits of more severe tax regime for unhealthy food [what is the value of this sentence and what benefits are you talking about? you named only one potential in this paragrath].
In conclusion, I completely agree that governments should increase the tax on fast food. This is due to the fact that this would deter people from buying this kind of food and will make additional funds available for governments to invest in tackling the health problems resulting from increased consumption of unhealthy food [выдохнули]. It is recommended that governments impose this tax on a reasonably high level [what is considered reasonable?] to make these effects [which effects?] noticeable.
30 мая я сдаю Academic Writing. Подготовка к нему перешла в интенсивную стадию)
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Спасибо!
In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Increasing consumption of fast food in certain countries is causing serious health damage to their citizens [what's wrong with tourists?]. Some people believe that governments should act more radically [more than what or when?] to solve this problem. [раз] This essay will put forward the notion that tax on fast food should be significantly increased [in order to ... - иначе очень резкий переход]. Initially [?], this position will be proven by an analysis of impact such decision [decision to eat unhealthy food or to increase the tax?] may have on the level of sales of fast food products [fast food products are not fast food]. A discussion of the use of additional funds raised by tax authorities as a result of increase in the tax will also support the position stated above.
Firstly, imposing higher tax on unhealthy food would make it more expensive and, thus, less appealing to consumers [лучше так - первая причина, почему налог на еду должен быть увеличен (сразу видна связь с ключевым предложением из первого параграфа), состоит в том, что ...]. For instance, many fast food restaurant chains, such as McDonald’s, tend to attract their customers by offering their products for relatively cheap prices [только что было less appealing, а теперь в иллюстрирующем примере attract customers]. Therefore [therefore (т.е, следовательно) относится к тому, что в Маке дешевые цены, или к тому, что less attractive? ], significant increase in the rate of tax on fast food products and corresponding rise in their prices might alienate some part of these chains’ clients. This will reduce negative impact unhealthy food has on people’s health [а логически получается, что отсутствие клиентов не уменьшит негативный эффект от такой еды, т.к. люди не будут есть её вообще].
Secondly, additional money raised from the higher tax could be invested in healthcare system to combat the health issues resulting from the consumption of unhealthy food. For example [это example чего? предыдущее предложение о налоговых сборах, и пример должен быть соответствующий], many people that [грамматика и лексика - отдельная песня, но для 8ки путать who с that ну непростительно] eat fast food regularly are suffering from health diseases [many? really?]. Governments may use funds raised from increase in the tax on fast food to tackle such health problems [how? unfinished thought]. Thus, it is clear that there are clearbenefits of more severe tax regime for unhealthy food [what is the value of this sentence and what benefits are you talking about? you named only one potential in this paragrath].
In conclusion, I completely agree that governments should increase the tax on fast food. This is due to the fact that this would deter people from buying this kind of food and will make additional funds available for governments to invest in tackling the health problems resulting from increased consumption of unhealthy food [выдохнули]. It is recommended that governments impose this tax on a reasonably high level [what is considered reasonable?] to make these effects [which effects?] noticeable.
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