My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Bruce]

Classical literature is of little use I'm afraid. You're not going to use the language of Shakespeare or Dickens to write essays, manuals, reports or project proposals. If these were literary essays... but this is a different kettle of fish anyway

And thanks again for your advice. Actually, it's never occured to me to focus on something like that. I was consumed by Orwell, Dickens and O'Henry during the past five months. The beauty of the language, you know... sometimes I'm almost about to perceive it.

Anyway, your response was a little bit invigorating as for everything I've done before for writing part of IELTS I had been invariably receiving rather cautious response from my skype teacher who has never awarded my work with anything but - "If you'll have it done under the real exam conditions you'll probably be in full right to expect something like 6 or even better under circumstances" .

To be completely honest, I already passed the exam past Saturday, and now I'm expecting the outcome with a bit of trepidation. Too bad that under the real exam conditions I performed not as well as in the presented example which had been completed just before the exam.
Well, I just hope now that I'm already past this torture session and won't have to write something again within the strict time limit. I prefer not to be within the strict limits and to have enough time to contemplate on every sentence

P.S. Я тут немного отмотал тему, Вы ведь native russian speaker?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

P.S. Я тут немного отмотал тему, Вы ведь native russian speaker?

Конечно!

And thanks again for your advice. Actually, it's never occured to me to focus on something like that. I was consumed by Orwell, Dickens and O'Henry during the past five months. The beauty of the language, you know... sometimes I'm almost about to perceive it.

Yeah, it's beautiful but rather - how should I put it - dated

Anyway, your response was a little bit invigorating as for everything I've done before for writing part of IELTS I had been invariably receiving rather cautious response from my skype teacher who has never awarded my work with anything but - "If you'll have it done under the real exam conditions you'll probably be in full right to expect something like 6 or even better under circumstances" .

Don't know anything about your skype teacher but either she/he is overcautious or knows very little about IELTS. There's always a possibility that you don't perform of her/him nowhere near the level of writing you demonstrated here, which is of course quite possible!

To be completely honest, I already passed the exam past Saturday,

No, you didn't pass. You took the exam or sat the exam. Passing implies getting the desired score

Well, I just hope now that I'm already past this torture session and won't have to write something again within the strict time limit. I prefer not to be within the strict limits and to have enough time to contemplate on every sentence

Unfortunately this is the nature of all exams here! I don't like it but that's the way it is!

Keep us posted, will you? I mean, don't forget to let us know what score you've got. Please.

[Bruce]

Keep us posted, will you? I mean, don't forget to let us know what score you've got. Please.

Not a problem at all. Consider it done, but allow some time before the results would arrive.

Я даже хотел было описать где-нибудь подробно свои ощущения и впечатления от экзамена, пока они еще свежи, но, кажется, здесь этого добра более чем достаточно. Тем более что какой-то особой новизны в моем личном опыте, наверное, все-таки не было.

[orionix]

День добрый.

Прошу проверить мои работы, письмо и эссе. Буду признателен за конструктивную критику.

Сразу извиняюсь, решил еще раз разместить здесь письмо, которое мною уже было размещено ранее на этой странице, переживаю, что оно осталось незамеченным за другими постами, и никто не глянет

Письмо:

You were supposed to go on an interview in a few weeks, but you have since found out you cannot go on the date arranged. Write a letter to the potential employer. In your letter:
- Tell them why you need to move the interview time,
- Ask to change the interview date,
- Explain that you are still interested in being interviewed for the job.


Мой ответ:


Dear sirs and ladies,

I’m writing to you to notify you that I will not be able to come on interview at arranged time. There is both straightforward and sad explanation, I have caught flu. My family doctor claims that it is a kind of seasonal sickness and will not have any sort of negative effects on my health. He arranged a proper curing scheme, including taking of various medications twice a day and examination twice a week. He insisted on avoiding any contacts until I have even tiny symptoms of disease.

Realizing that I have keen interest in working at your company, I’m eagerly asking you to rearrange the interview date in two weeks. Doctor assured me that usually this kind of sickness lasts no more than ten days.

I’m convinced that in 14 days I would be able to do my best on the interview. You would see not just the proof of all statements of my CV, but rather an aspiration to be a member of your team.

I’m looking forward to hearing a response from you.

Yours respectfully,
Timothy Wrangler.


Эссе

Smocking can cause serious illnesses and should be made illegal.

To what extent do you agree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.



There is an opinion that smocking should be limited or even forbidden, because it is known as notorious trigger for a lot of diseases. Below, I am going to substantiate it with some examples.

While tobacco had gained its popularity around the world, scientists have recorded the steady growth of various health problems within a society. Risk of having heart attack increased dramatically during twentieth century and researchers claim that smocking is one of the top reason that contributes in that issue. Another investigation made it clear that lung cancer correlates strongly with tobacco consumption. Then, more dreadful effects have been found, smocking even results in brain ailments such as tumors, Alzheimer disease and frequent insults. All these mentioned health issues display just tip of the iceberg. Besides personal risk, smokers spawn the wide range of other challenges. One of them is a extremely expanded budget expenditures that authority allocates for cure schemes. That information becomes much more clear by taking a look on some figures.

Our small city has a population slightly more than one hundred thousand people. However, around ten per cent of them are permanent smokers. It is a kind of unfortunate achievement, but our city even has a cancer treatment center, with sixty per cent of patients or so suffering with lung cancer.

Personally I share the present idea that smocking should be stopped or at least tobacco consumption must be restricted. I am convinced that that challenge might be solved, however not only the authority should contribute, but rather each person is obliged to make the first step by aware all current challenges.


Благодарю за ваше терпение и внимание!

[Vanderley]

orionix, вы съезжаете с темы вот тут:

Besides personal risk, smokers spawn the wide range of other challenges. One of them is a extremely expanded budget expenditures that authority allocates for cure schemes. That information becomes much more clear by taking a look on some figures.

Our small city has a population slightly more than one hundred thousand people. However, around ten per cent of them are permanent smokers. It is a kind of unfortunate achievement, but our city even has a cancer treatment center, with sixty per cent of patients or so suffering with lung cancer.

Это не отвечает напрямую ни на

Smocking can cause serious illnesses

ни на

should be made illegal

Это плохо

Ещё одно такое замечание/совет. Когда вас просят написать про примеры из личного опыта и знаний, это не значит что надо писать про людей которых вы знаете, город где живете етц. Все те болезни, которые вы привели это уже примеры из выших знаний и опыта. А использование личных местоимений первого и второго лица делает эссе менее формальным.

[Vanderley]

Вот вам ещё food for thought:

There is an opinion that smocking - [smoking] - should be limited or even forbidden, - [вы не знаете английской пунктуации, почитайте например тут, как раз есть пример с бикоз] - because it is known as notorious trigger for a lot of diseases. Below, I am going to substantiate it with some examples.

While - [sinse???] - tobacco had gained - [откуда паст перфект?] - its popularity around the world, scientists have recorded the steady growth of various health problems within a - [the, это ведь общество в целом] - society. Risk of having heart attack increased dramatically during twentieth century and - [где запятая в сложносочинённой предложении?] - researchers claim that smocking is one of the top reason that contributes - [reasons that contribute] - in -[to, contribute to] - that issue. Another investigation made it clear - [как-то не звучит, не знаю или так можно сказать. Я бы использовал что-либо типа revealed] - that lung cancer correlates strongly with tobacco consumption. - [я бы сказал, что коррелирует не рак, а риск заболевания раком] - Then, more dreadful effects have been found -[откуда перфект?] - , - [sentence split, очень плохо] - smocking even results in brain ailments such as tumors, Alzheimer disease and frequent insults. All these mentioned - [это как-то по русски звучит. как насчет all mentioned above] - health issues display just - [the] - tip of the iceberg. Besides personal risk, smokers spawn the wide range of other challenges. One of them is a extremely expanded budget expenditures that authority - [the authorities] - allocates for cure schemes. That information becomes much more clear by taking a look on - [take a look AT] - some figures.

Our small city has a population - [of] - slightly more than one hundred thousand people. However, around ten per cent of them are permanent - [есть такой каллокейшн? я не слышал такого.] - smokers. It is a kind of - [informal] - unfortunate achievement, but our city even has a cancer treatment center, with sixty per cent of patients or so suffering with - [suffer from] - lung cancer.

Personally I share the present - [что за present idea? что будет если выкинуть это слово?] - idea that smocking should be stopped - [stopped vs banned or made illegal] - or at least tobacco consumption must be restricted. I am convinced that that challenge might be solved - [можно ли solve the challenge?] -, however not only - [вы тут порите инверсию. очень плохо она бы произвела хорошее вппечатление на экзаменатора] - the authority should contribute, but rather - [also??, вы же хотели сказаль - "не только..., но и"?] - each person is obliged to make the first step by aware - [тут так герундий просится. by making themselves aware, by familiarising themselves with] - all current challenges.

[Archer]

Здравствуйте уважаемые форумчане.
Я новенький на форуме.
Покритикуйте и подкорректируйте пожалуйста моё эссэ.
Это самая слабая моя сторона в IELTS, спасибо.


It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sports and music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
=================================================================================
Some people are born with many talents They develop it or not. The other people have not talents, and they obliged learning and working hard to reach success. Let’s consider the both sides.
Firstly , people who have some talents can easy develop their success. They have many talents by born, but parents have to discern this and try to help them become more successful. It is depend on parents , teachers trainers. Only they can help to do that , because children can not to see their gifted. For example , famous footballer Pele is not only footballer he is businessman too. Talented people are talented by all. In spite of talent persons can reach their goals more easily .
Secondly , there are many people who were born with no any talents or with little ones. And what they can do that? It persist for them working hard almost every day, to built up themselves. They can choose their ways and reach their goals. If somebody wants to be famous musician or sportsman, but he or she has not any talents for this. They have to learn and work every day. For instants my little brother always likes sing. He had not musical hearing or talent to play some musical instruments, but when he was 12 he decided to become restaurant’s signer . He worked every day by himself . As a result ,he became good signer and now he can play guitar and piano very well. By the way , he learned without any teachers because they told for him , that he has not talent for music. He’s dream realized. Now he is singing in many restaurants all over my country.
Finally, everyone can reach success with many talents or with no it, but you have to only want it.

[Polina_K]

Здравствуйте уважаемые форумчане.
Я новенький на форуме.
Покритикуйте и подкорректируйте пожалуйста моё эссэ.
Это самая слабая моя сторона в IELTS, спасибо.


It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sports and music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
=================================================================================
Some people are born with many talents They develop it or not. The other people have not talents, and they obliged learning and working hard to reach success. Let’s consider the both sides.
Firstly , people who have some talents can easy develop their success. They have many talents by born, but parents have to discern this and try to help them become more successful. It is depend on parents , teachers trainers. Only they can help to do that , because children can not to see their gifted. For example , famous footballer Pele is not only footballer he is businessman too. Talented people are talented by all. In spite of talent persons can reach their goals more easily .
Secondly , there are many people who were born with no any talents or with little ones. And what they can do that? It persist for them working hard almost every day, to built up themselves. They can choose their ways and reach their goals. If somebody wants to be famous musician or sportsman, but he or she has not any talents for this. They have to learn and work every day. For instants my little brother always likes sing. He had not musical hearing or talent to play some musical instruments, but when he was 12 he decided to become restaurant’s signer . He worked every day by himself . As a result ,he became good signer and now he can play guitar and piano very well. By the way , he learned without any teachers because they told for him , that he has not talent for music. He’s dream realized. Now he is singing in many restaurants all over my country.
Finally, everyone can reach success with many talents or with no it, but you have to only want it.

Вам рановато писать эссэ, для начала подтянуть грамматику и подучить пару тысяч слов. Для примера, я выделила только частично то, что цепляет.

Без достаточного владения языком вы не сможете понять даже задание, которое состояло не в описании задач родителей и учителей, а в раскрытии двух противоположных точек зрения: можно ли любому человеку стать спортсменом или музыкантом или обязательно нужен талант, с аргументированием обеих позиций и примерами.

[Archer]

Большое спасибо Полина! вы правы я иногда не правильно понимаю вопрос и мне всё таки не хватает словарного запаса. Буду работать.

[olesenka]

Вот вам ещё food for thought: Цитата:

Vanderley, вот вам лишь бы подпортить настроение....ну,неплохо же написал . Если бы я смогла в 40 минут сообразить что-то даже приблизительное,я бы не парилась с получением 7 за writing. Сочинение неплохое,словарный запас- тоже. С темы - не думаю чтобы съехал особо. А уж вы его раскрасили во все цвета радуги. Имейте же снисхождение к не нейтивам.
Вы не думайте,все что вы сказали- очень даже правильно. Да и с письмом я бы на месте orionix еще бы поработала- не впечатляет пока,нужно уметь посильнее аргументы выискивать.А так- смотря какой балл нужен. мне так кажется,человек вполне подходит к 7 или даже,может быть, и выше.

[Vanderley]

Vanderley, вот вам лишь бы подпортить настроение....ну,неплохо же написал .

Ничего я не хотел подпортить. И про то, что эссе плохое, я тоже не говорио. Это всё ваши грязные инсинуации Человек кстати мне в личку спасибо написао. Вот так вот

А уж вы его раскрасили во все цвета радуги.

Красной ошибки, синей пояснения. Так лучше видно. Я так часто делаю. Предложите более эффективный вариант, если знаете, обещаю рассмотре.

Если бы я смогла в 40 минут сообразить что-то даже приблизительное

А с чем у вас пробемы? Может я и вам чего в сине-красных цветах посоветую

[olesenka]

А с чем у вас пробемы? Может я и вам чего в сине-красных цветах посоветую

Вы только не обижайтесь,я ведь пошутила. А пока жду результатов своих трудов- так что если что- снова к вам со своими каракулями. Вы мою работу проверяли раз,поставили 5.5- поверьте- это был шок,так что я за следующий месяц перелопатила 3 учебника с грамматикой- особенно полезен был учебник Common Mistakes in IELTS- Cambride . Было ощущение,что эта книжка прямо создана по моим работам....Ужас. А orionix я бы посоветовала последить за структурой- все-таки выходить на 4 параграфа,без резких различий в объемах у 2-х body-параграфов. И очень четко обозначать в самом начале- о чем будете говорить,главная идея. И еще,чего-то я так поняла,они не ценят слишком научные термины или редко используемые слова. Я правильно поняла?
Я просто анализирую наши работы,русских. мы очень умные,но почему-то им это не нравится. Они в своих книжках черным по белому пишут- пишите понятнее,без редких слов. Но я на роль корректора не претендую- с моими 5.5 вообще молчу.
Если не пройдет мой Writing- помните,вы уже обещали раскрасить мои сочинения в красно-синий цвет. Так что не отвертитесь....

[Archer]

Здравствуйте.
Написал очередной "шедевр" проверьте покритикуйте пожалуйста.

You recently went shopping at the local super market. When you got home and studied your bill, you found that you have been charged for the items you did not purchase.
Write a letter to the super market manager explaining what has happened. Tell the manager how you feel about the error and ask him to do something about it.
===================================================================================
Dear sir or Madam,
I would like to draw your attention for event which was in your store on Tuesday 23 November. It happened about 8:00 p.m.. I came to your shop as usually at 7:15 p.m. after my work.
Bought some products I went home. Suddenly I decided to check my bill, and I found discrepancy for bill and goods which I had bought. I never found this kind of error before. Recently , you have hired a new cashier. His name is Marco, he did mistake in my bill. Sum of this error is $74. I was really upset owing to this. I think it happened just because of inattention and maybe tiredness. Of course it was my fault too. I should to be more carefully. I am a student, and after my lessons I go to my work and get tired as well.
I would like to offer you solve this problem together. On Friday at 7:15 p.m. I will in you store and show you my bill. Even more, you can check records of your cameras . And you will see , that I did not go to department where are goods ,written in my bill. Likewise you can make inspection goods which mentioned. I am sure , we can find compromise for this deal.
Your Faithfully

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте.
Написал очередной "шедевр" проверьте покритикуйте пожалуйста.

You recently went shopping at the local super market. When you got home and studied your bill, you found that you have been charged for the items you did not purchase.
Write a letter to the super market manager explaining what has happened. Tell the manager how you feel about the error and ask him to do something about it.
===================================================================================

А откуда этот шедевр? Что-нибудь индийско-пакистанское?

[Vanderley]

Привет. К сожалению, с момента написания предыдещего эссе немногое изменилось. Вот вам некоторые ошибки. Сразу замечу, что это не все даже с точки зрения грамматики, а неправильную лексику я вообще пости не трогао.

You recently went shopping at the local super market. When you got home and studied your bill, you found that you have been charged for the items you did not purchase.
Write a letter to the super market manager explaining what has happened. Tell the manager how you feel about the error and ask him to do something about it.
===================================================================================
Dear sir or Madam,
I would like to draw your attention for event which was in your store on Tuesday 23 November. It happened about 8:00 p.m.. I came to your shop as usually at 7:15 p.m. after my work.
Bought some products I went home. Suddenly I decided to check my bill, and I found discrepancy for bill and goods which I had bought. I have never found this kind of error before. Recently , you have hired a new cashier. His name is Marco, he did mistake in my bill. Sum of this error is $74. I was really upset owing to this. I think it happened just because of inattention and maybe tiredness. Of course it was my fault too. I should to be more carefully. I am a student, and after my lessons I go to my work and get tired as well.
I would like to offer you to solve this problem together. On Friday at 7:15 p.m. I will be in you store and show you my bill. Even more, you can check records of your cameras . And you will see , that I did not go to department where are goods ,written in my bill. Likewise you can make inspection of goods which mentioned. I am sure , we can find compromise for this deal.
Your Faithfully

Меня у вас одна штука повеселила. Не подумайте, что я прикалываюсь. Просто было смешно, и я решил написа.
Вот оно - I went home. Suddenly I decided to check my bill. Понимаете, слово внезапно даже в русской означает что-то что мы не контролируем. Вот я себе и представил, как ваша рука в тайне от вас вдруг потянулась за чеком и вы в ужасе за этим наблюдаете