My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, 100% согласен, что официальный источник - это первое от чего нужно отталкиваться, единственно, я нигде не видел, чтобы было описание того как нужно писать эссе, да еще и под каждый тип вопроса (ни на ielts.org ни у Cambridge книг..).

Я уже писала много раз: нет этого и не будет. Потому что есть только 2 правила для написания ЛЮБОГО эссе (IELTS здесь совершенно не при чем)
1. придерживаться правил написания эссе (appropriate text organisation, cohesion and coherence, register)
2. ответить на вопрос (address all tasks as specified in the essay question).

Как вы будете отвечать на вопрос - это никого не волнует. Главное ответить. Именно поэтому все правила 'от' Райанов, Саймонов и т.д. и т.п. - бАльшой (уж простите мне мой московский акцент BS. T.e. это все очень хорошо, но только один из многих возможных вариантов. Читайте и анализируйте Cambridge IELTS и таким образом поймете как писать эссе.

Был бы очень признателен, да и думаю не только я, если бы Вы смогли тыкнуть носом в правильные статьи.

Thank you in advance!

Вы какой университет заканчиваете? - это чтобы ткнуть в правильные статьи

[Rus_R]

Может у кого-то найдется время посмотреть на мое эссе. Тема взята из "Новые темы writing и speaking (сдавшие поделитесь!)"
In many countries of the world shopping is not just a way of buying goods. It's now becoming an entertainment.
Why do you think this is it?
Is it a positive or negative development?

In the recent decade shopping has become more relaxing and funny, it involves more entertaining activities than pure purchasing of goods. This tendency has obvious reasons and number of consequences which will be discussed in this essay.


The main reason why buying became an amusement is to encourage people to buy more. Product producers and owners of shopping malls are aimed to increase sales at any cost, so they create an environment which enforces people to spend more. For example, shopping malls have a children room where parents can leave their offspring, so they can spend more time on shopping this increase the possibility of purchasing. What is more, supermarkets organise promotion actions when customers may receive some product which often called "prize" in case if they spend certain sum of money. This motivates people to buy more than they initially planned.


The consequences of this are two-sided. On the one hand buying more goods stimulates economy development and, consequently, more working places will be created. It can be seen in rapidly developing countries like China or India where numbers of marts and hypermarkets were opened due to the increasing level of purchasing ability of population.


At the same time, this tendency has also a number of drawbacks. It is obvious that we are consumer society this means that people tend to buy more than they really need. This lead to exhausting of natural resources and increasing level of pollution, as plants and factories must work more in order to produce more products.


To conclude, it can be seen that entertainment during shopping is aimed to motivate people to purchase more products. In the short-time perspective it will cause the rise in number of working places and can be considered as positive impact, but in the long-term perspective it will lead to demolishing of nature and increasing level of pollution, so has negative influence.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Может у кого-то найдется время посмотреть на мое эссе. Тема взята из "Новые темы writing и speaking (сдавшие поделитесь!)"
In many countries of the world shopping is not just a way of buying goods. It's now becoming an entertainment.
Why do you think this is it?
Is it a positive or negative development?

In the recent decade shopping has become more relaxing and funny, it involves more entertaining activities than pure purchasing of goods. This tendency has obvious reasons and number of consequences which will be discussed in this essay.


The main reason why buying became an amusement is to encourage people to buy more. Product producers and owners of shopping malls are aimed to increase sales at any cost, so they create an environment which enforces people to spend more. For example, shopping malls have a children room where parents can leave their offspring, so they can spend more time on shopping this increase the possibility of purchasing. What is more, supermarkets organise promotion actions when customers may receive some product which often called "prize" in case if they spend certain sum of money. This motivates people to buy more than they initially planned.


The consequences of this are two-sided. On the one hand buying more goods stimulates economy development and, consequently, more working places will be created. It can be seen in rapidly developing countries like China or India where numbers of marts and hypermarkets were opened due to the increasing level of purchasing ability of population.


At the same time, this tendency has also a number of drawbacks. It is obvious that we are consumer society this means that people tend to buy more than they really need. This lead to exhausting of natural resources and increasing level of pollution, as plants and factories must work more in order to produce more products.


To conclude, it can be seen that entertainment during shopping is aimed to motivate people to purchase more products. In the short-time perspective it will cause the rise in number of working places and can be considered as positive impact, but in the long-term perspective it will lead to demolishing of nature and increasing level of pollution, so has negative influence.

У вас в одном эссе по крайней мере 3 - с точки зрения тем. За чем-то даже загрязнение окружающей среды сюда 'всунили'. Но вот где вы говорите, что shopping is not just a way of buying goods. It's now becoming an entertainment я так и не поняла.

Простите, но это как когда-то сказали, пародируя Эльдара Рязанова: 'О чем этот фильм? Да ни о чем'.

[Rus_R]

Maimiti_Isabella, больше старалась ответить на вопросы ПОЧЕМУ шоппинг стал развлечением и какие последствия.
После Ваших слов подумала, что возможно меня унесло совсем не в ту степь и надо было писать о том, что люди стали так проводить свой досуг, ходя по магазинам и тратя деньги, а не о том кто и зачем сподвигает их на это.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, больше старалась ответить на вопросы ПОЧЕМУ шоппинг стал развлечением и какие последствия.
После Ваших слов подумала, что возможно меня унесло совсем не в ту степь и надо было писать о том, что люди стали так проводить свой досуг, ходя по магазинам и тратя деньги, а не о том кто и зачем сподвигает их на это.

У вас не раскрыта тема shopping as entertainment. Начните с этого.

И все-таки прочитайте внимательно вопрос и задание. И подумайте, что от вас хотят.

[agronom]

Ну наконец то- вы вернулись.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ну наконец то- вы вернулись.

Если это мне, то я никуда и не уходила. А эссе по прежнему не разбираю и не комментирую. Очень редко (всего 2 раза кажется) через ЛС. Так это и будет продолжаться.

[fatdh]

1. придерживаться правил написания эссе (appropriate text organisation, cohesion and coherence, register)
2. ответить на вопрос (address all tasks as specified in the essay question).

Постарался учесть Ваши комментарии. Заглянул на страничку соего юни, но там все в general форме. Главное вынес, что Intro должно конкретизировать о чем будет разговор, а Conclusion должен наоборот. Про боди параграфы там:
- Main idea - Is the central idea that is expressed generally.
- Explanation - The main point is expanded and its meaning is explained.
- Illustration - The main idea is reinforced by an example or evidence.

Должен ли я обязательно придерживаться этого порядка, или я могу писать как в ессе ниже Main idea, Illustration, Explanation.

Не знаю получилось ли у меня в этом ессе то что Вы говорили и то, что вычитал... Был бы просто нереально признателен, если бы Вы смогли прокомментировать. Ну и не только Maimiti_Isabella, буду много признателен всем у кого найдется время, спасибо!

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t.
Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.

Professional athletes have always been an example to follow for youngsters. There are ancient gladiators and modern soccer stars. Many argue that athlete’s success can disturb young individuals from their main goals. However, this is refuted by others, who believe that sportspeople teach children to be self-motivated and goal-oriented that will benefit young people in their future life. (Should I write here something like: “These arguments will be analysed prior to coming to a reasoned conclusion.” Or I can miss this sentence and go straight to body paragraphs?)

It is felt by many that athletes get easy money and waste them that is a worst example for youngsters. Take Cristiano Ronaldo, for instance, who signed a billiard dollars contract with a famous soccer club to play only a few times per year. Now, he is spending this enormous amount of money for entertainments and toys. This example may affect youngsters’ decision to continue their study, as they might feel that it is not important for their life. Thus, some athletes make people believe that they are a bad role model for young individuals.

On the other hand, with a detailed analysis of this phenomenon it becomes clear that only well-disciplined people can be professional sportsmen and sportswomen. For example, not everyone knows how much time Cristiano spends practising his skills, as well as how many he experiences to be one of the best players. Looking from this perspective, it is obvious that such examples can greatly benefit young people teaching them discipline, as well as how to focus on important goals and how to rich them. Hence, this argument have a lot of support.

In conclusion, it is a disputable question whether professional athletes provide a better example for youngster. I would agree that they do, because sportspeople can teach youngsters many useful skills and qualities that will be extremely helpful for the future life, making them better in any professional area that they will choose.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Постарался учесть Ваши комментарии. Заглянул на страничку соего юни, но там все в general форме. Главное вынес, что Intro должно конкретизировать о чем будет разговор, а Conclusion должен наоборот. Про боди параграфы там:
- Main idea - Is the central idea that is expressed generally.
- Explanation - The main point is expanded and its meaning is explained.
- Illustration - The main idea is reinforced by an example or evidence.

Должен ли я обязательно придерживаться этого порядка, или я могу писать как в ессе ниже Main idea, Illustration, Explanation.

I'm going to be really really busy for the rest of the day today and am not sure of my schedule for tomorrow. But I promise I'll have a closer look at your essay and comment on it, but this will be done via PM. I'll let you know when it's done.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Должен ли я обязательно придерживаться этого порядка, или я могу писать как в ессе ниже Main idea, Illustration, Explanation.

No, this is just A common approach that is used for academic essays. As long as your essay is cohesive you're OK with organising your paragraphs in a different ways. You can even start with Illustration. In a short essay many people 'merge' the explanation / evidence part and the illustration/example one.

(Should I write here something like: “These arguments will be analysed prior to coming to a reasoned conclusion.” Or I can miss this sentence and go straight to body paragraphs?)

No, there's no need for that. In fact, skipping this will help you demonstrate higher level of sentence structure and lexical density, if you can do this properly.

[Challenge]

but this will be done via PM. I'll let you know when it's done.

Maimiti_Isabella, it would fantastic if you could comment on this and other essays publicly on this thread. I am sure you have your reasons but so many people would appreciate it. I guess I am just saying: please help. We are struggling here ...

[HappyHippo]

Привет, друзья! Воспользовавшись возможностью, любезно предоставленной пользователем Marat -Minsk, проверила 4 письменных задания на ieltsblog. Три из них - репорты, за которые получила от 5.5 до 6.5. Теперь мозги мои набекрень. Т.к. ответ такой - The key features have been identified and illustrated in a logical way but some of the details are missing.. Я полтора года училась компоновать, объединять информацию, для того чтобы не описывать все данные, а в проверенных работах, преподы вставляют, то, что я специально отпускала.
Например: мое предложение : In contrast, citizens of other four countries spent approximately 6% on clothing/footwear. заменяется преподом на
Turkey, Spain and Ireland spent 6.63%, 6.51% and 6.43% and that of Sweden spent 5.40%.
В конце-то концов, я должна ВСЕ описывать или главные черты. Экзамен через 10 дней, а я не понимаю!!!! Жду советов

[illi4]

Привет, друзья! Воспользовавшись возможностью, любезно предоставленной пользователем Marat -Minsk, проверила 4 письменных задания на ieltsblog. Три из них - репорты, за которые получила от 5.5 до 6.5.

Я уже неоднократно писал о том, что ielts-blog отвратительно проверяют

[HappyHippo]

Я уже неоднократно писал о том, что ielts-blog отвратительно проверяют

illi4,
простите, я уже запуталась, кто-то хвалит, кто-то ругает....
А вы какой сервис проверки посоветовали бы?

[illi4]

illi4,
простите, я уже запуталась, кто-то хвалит, кто-то ругает....
А вы какой сервис проверки посоветовали бы?

ieltsanswers (дорого, правда - 30$ за 4 задания) или с хорошими репетиторами