My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[AndrewEA]

hell17,
"people are learnt during whle their lives" - по-моему тут что-то не то. если не ошибаюсь, то переводится это так: "люди подвергаются изучению всю жизнь". правильнее скорее всего так: "People are learning (или можно Present Simple) during the whole their life".

[hell17]

hell17,
"people are learnt during whle their lives" - по-моему тут что-то не то. если не ошибаюсь, то переводится это так: "люди подвергаются изучению всю жизнь". правильнее скорее всего так: "People are learning (или можно Present Simple) during the whole their life".

мда... спасибо... с актив-пассивами совсем запуталась
А по структуре правильно? т.е. надо было принять какую либо точку зрения и ее подтверждать? или же надо было еще один параграф добавить о противоположной точке зрения ? (ну типа да, characteristics с которыми рождаемся тоже влияют на наше развитие, но им можно противостоять, и в качестве примера хотела прицепить что, даже если человек рождается со слабым здоровьем, то из него может выйти проф.спортсмен при огромном желании и усердии)

[AndrewEA]

Я думаю, что надо просто рассмотреть две точки зрения и все. ну и в конце может быть выбрать одну из них или написать, что они обе очень хороши. Добавлять ничего не надо, т.к. у вас уже 3 параграфа в body. куда еще 4-й? но можно один из них заменить тем, что вы написали. но я не очень-то компетентен в подобных советах так что читайте лучше writefix.com и insight into IELTS.

кто-нибудь посмотрите мою писанину...

[Lavrentiy]

Тема:
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in life.
Which do you consider to be the major influence?

The man is born with some parametrics (very odd word to use!), such as (no article needed) health, habit of body (? don't get what u mean here) , mental power and so on. Some people believe that the initial characteristics influence (no "on" needed) our development and personality. But my point ("of view" is not needed, just "my point is...") is that any experience in our life has much more impact. This essay will discuss whether human nature is dependant on life experience.

First of all, people are learnt during (omit "while") their lives. From (omit "the") birth (omit "the") man learns how to move correctly, how to eat, how to read and so on. All this can be learnt by one's life experience and not depend on the characteristics.

Secondly, each time when we make a mistake, we try to analyse why it has happened and what we should do to prevent the same mistake. (omit "The") Learning from one's mistakes is called experience and our character is developed according to it. For example, if a pupil is well prepared, the teacher will praise him or her for their intelligence. This pupil will study the subject better in the future as he or she has hadgood experience.

In addition, parents have the greatest influence on their children's personality as from the early age they teach children every aspect of life. For example, parents explain to their children the meaning of good and bad (omit "things"), and, according to this, the child develops a positive or negative outlook on life.
In conclusion, I believe that (omit "the") life experience has a great influence on our character and (omit "the") man is never too old to learn.

[Lavrentiy]

In the age of computer technology more and more jobs are replaced with PCs. Some people are afraid of losing their jobs. However others think that the world will become more convenient (comfortable?) for living. It is not an easy question to answer but in this essay I will try to look at this issue.

The fist job, that may be lost, is that of a language translator. It is not a secret that computers are becoming more and more clever from year to year. Even in our days software exists which can translate from one language to another (omit "one") as if it has been done by a human. Many people get into this development but a lot of them can lose their jobs because of that.

The second job (omit "position"), that may be replaced with a computer is a programmer. I think, that in the future a PC will be able to write a program code independently, without human help. So, I suppose, it would (because "you suppose...") be like in Azimov’s stories – ‘Robots make robots’, but instead robots will be programs for a while (don't understand this bit at all, sorry). PCs of the future will write codes faster and easier than humans because they do not need powers of concentration, computers are focused(?) and ready to work all the time.

A lot of people will lose jobs, Computers do not need anything except energy. So why the employers should hire humans who need money and time off? With modern technology, companies are able to get maximum ("feedback" is wrong here. You mean "profits", "results"?).

In conclusion I would like to say that it is too bad that many people can lose their jobs in the future. The only thing to do is to stop progress. But that is the catch. Who will try to stop it? I guess nobody.

[Lavrentiy]

Topic: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Many people believe that in order to combat crime, the most effective means are (omit the) jails and the police. However, others think it’s better to tackle the causes of (omit the) misdeeds such as bad education and poverty. In this essay I will discuss both points of view.

Some people believe that the two most effective methods for reducing crime are the police force and jails. However, others think that the best way to fight rising levels of crime is to address the underlying factors such as poor education and poverty.

There are several important causes why people commit a crime. First of all, the shortage of (omit the) educational facilities (?) can lead to (omit a) crime. It is obvious that a good education allows to get a well-paid job. The second reason is poverty that can turn people into criminals. So, the state has to create (omit the) work places and develop business. As a result it will decrease (omit the) unemployment and crime. Finally, it is a well-known fact that the maintenance of (omit the) jails and the police is very expensive for the state. In many cases, community service is more of a right sentence than (omited a) prison.

There are several reasons that push people towards committing a crime in the first place. One of such reasons is inadequate education. It is obvious that a person with a solid education (educational?) background is usually able to get a well paid job and lead ("have" is better here. you can't lead a standard but you can lead a life) a fairly high standard of life. Another reason that could potentially force a person towards committing a crime is poverty. While it is clearly the responsibility of each individual to find a job, strong government support is required to create more employment opportunities. Lowering levels of unemployment will lead to a decrease in the(?) levels of crime. Finally, it is a well known fact that there are high costs associated with the(?) maintenance of jails and the police force. In many cases, these costs can be reduced by substituting jail sentences with community service.

On the other hand, there is much evidence when rich and well-educated people commit (omit the) crimes. For instance, children from the rich families can take drugs. Their parents spend most of the time at work and don’t spend enough time with their children. Moreover, the last decades bring us a new type of the fraud, such as computer crimes. In this case one has to have a very good education to commit it. Furthermore, there are crimes such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling. It’s clear that these kinds of offences demand a serious punishment such as prison or even death.

On the other hand, there are many cases when well educated and wealthy people commit a crime. For example, children from wealthy families sometimes turn to drugs. This is often due to the fact that their parents spend a lot of time at work and do not have the time to look after their children. Moreover, computer-based crimes became very common over the last few decades. In order to commit an on-line fraud, in most cases a person has to be fairly computer literate and well educated. Furthermore, serious criminal offences such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling are blooming. It is obvious that such types of offences demand substantial punishment such as prison sentences or, in some circumstances, even harsher punishments such as capital punishment.

In conclusion, I agree that firstly we have to understand causes of crime. In this case only we can decrease crime and create more safe society for our future generations.

In conclusion, I’d like to stress just how important it is to understand the underlying causes for people to commit a crime (=the underlying causes of crime. "crime" can be used without an article as "prestupnost'"). If we have a full understanding as to why people commit certain crimes in the first place, we will (otherwise: "If we had..., we would..." - the tenses must agree!) be able to address these underlying causes and, as a result, build a safer society for our future generations.

[Lavrentiy]

Topic: Some people prefer to work for a large company. Others prefer to work for a small company. Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Many people believe that it is better to make a career in a corporation. However, others choose a small firm for it. In this essay, I will consider benefits of working for these two types of (omit the) companies.

There are many advantages of working for a large firm like a multinational corporation. First of all, one gets a steady job. A large company usually has a specified share of the market and as a result (omit one) has many clients. Secondly, as a rule employees in a corporation have some perks. For instance, while they are off sick, the employer pays them a sickness benefit. Moreover, after a defined (?) term one gets a paid holiday. Finally, the workers of a large corporation have more opportunities to be promoted, in contrast to their colleagues in a small company. It is a known fact, that there are more vacancies(?) as well as new positions in a big company.

On the other hand, there are some benefit of being employed by a small firm as a start-up (intern, apprentice? "start-up" is wrong here). No doubt, an employee usually has more responsibility because he has to do different types of work at the same time. For example, one can be responsible for working with (omit the) clients as well as doing some technical work. As a result, one becomes more experienced and knows how a company works internally(?). In addition, a worker can feel his own importance for the company and has more opportunities for (omit a) self-realization.

In conclusion, I am sure it is very useful to have experience of working in both type of (omit the) companies. In the future, it will allow you to create your own start-up (? what does it mean?) or make successful career in a multinational company.

[jesus]

Re: My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

а с письмами сюда мона?

таск:

There is a tree beside your room, which brings some problem to your study and life. Write a letter to the authority to explain the problem and give them your suggestion.


творение:

Dear Sir/Madam,

The reason I am writing to you is a problem with a tree growing by my room’s window.

Actually I have several problems with this tree. The main problem is that the tree knocks at my window at knight so I can not sleep well. Moreover the branch of the tree beating the window can crash the glass one day.

Another problem with this tree is that my room is very dark during daytime. Therefore I have to keep my light turned on draining significant amount of electricity. Beside energy issue extensive electric light usage is doing harm to my eyes promising some problems in the future.

As a conclusion, I would be very pleased if you could move the tree to another place or may be just cut some branches to make the crown weaker.

Please look into this matter as soon as possible.

Yours faithfully,

[Yulia_N]

Покритикуйте и мое плс. Я только начинаю учиться писать эссе. Все замечания для меня будут очень важны.
Попрошу также, кто может оценить его по бальной шкале. 4-5-6-7 и т.д.
Спасибо.

Тема: Advantages and disadvantages of school reform in Belarus

Nowadays Belarusian government decided to back to 11th year educational system. At the same time pupils must study more information in a one year. Is it good or bad to back to 11th year educational system? This essay illustrated all advantages and disadvantages of this step.

Firstly, 11th year educational system gives opportunity to improve a demography crisis in Belarus. 2006-2008 years gave most positive effect of 11th educational system. Today we have a lot of high educated mums, who take care of their babies. Furthermore, this method helps to increase amount of employees in different spheres faster than 12th year system of education. Moreover, nowadays our country has a big gap in working class.

Secondly, 11th year system was developed in our country long time ago and our teachers had knowledge in this method of education. At the same time, when our government tried to make our system like European countries had, it took a lot of money and time to go into 12th year educational system. The main reason of this step was to make educational system more suitable and simple to pupils.

So that, the main disadvantage of 11th educational system is a big workload of pupils. They must study on Saturdays and have only one day off, which is not enough for good rest. What is more, they have a lot of lessons every day, and to prepare good for all lessons it takes about 4-5 hours. At the result, they don’t go outside often and it is one of the reasons of serious illnesses.

In conclusion, 11th educational system has a lot of advantages and disadvantages at the same time. But as far as I concern this system is more suitable to our country, because we need to study about 5 years in university and our country needs in work force.

[Lavrentiy]

Re: My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

Без проблем...

таск:

There is a tree beside your room, which brings some problem to your study and life. Write a letter to the authority to explain the problem and give them your suggestion.


творение:

Dear Sir/Madam,

The reason I am writing to you is a problem with the tree growing by my room’s window ("tree" определяется последующей фразой "growing by my room’s window", поэтому нужен опр. артикль).

Actually I have several problems with this tree. The main problem is that the tree knocks at my window at night so I cannot sleep well. Moreover the branch of the tree beating the window may/might crash the glass one day.

Another problem with this tree is that my room is very dark during daytime. Therefore I have to keep my light turned on wasting significant amount of electricity. Besides the energy issue, extensive electric light usage is doing harm to my eyes promising some problems in the future.

In conclusion, I would be very pleased if you could move the tree to another place or may be just cut some branches off to make the crown weaker.

Please look into this matter as soon as possible.

Yours faithfully,




удачи на экзамене!

[Lavrentiy]

OK...

Тема: Advantages and disadvantages of school reform in Belarus

Nowadays the Belarusian government has decided to go back to the 11-year educational system. At the same time pupils must study (digest?) more information in (omit a) one year. Is it good or bad to go back to the 11-year educational system? This essay illustrates all advantages and disadvantages of this step.

Firstly, the 11-year educational system gives an opportunity to improve the demographic crisis in Belarus. The 11-year educational system gave the most positive effect in 2006-8. Today we have a lot of highly educated mums, who take care of their babies. Furthermore, this method helps to increase the number of employees in different spheres faster than the 12-year system of education. Moreover, nowadays our country has a big shortage ofworking class specialists(?).

Secondly, the 11-year system was developed in our country long time ago and our teachers knew this method of education well. At the same time, when our government tried to make our system like the ones the European countries had, it took a lot of money and time to go into the 12-year educational system. The main reason of this step was to make the educational system more suitable and simple to pupils (students? очень старомодно называть школьников "pupils". они не "pupils", они "students").

So that, the main disadvantage of the 11-year educational system is the big (increased?) workload for the pupils (students?). They must study on Saturdays and have only one day off, which is not enough for good rest. What is more, they have a lot of lessons every day, and to prepare well ("well" наречие, а "good" прилагательное. здесь нужно наречие т.к. относится к глаголу "to prepare", а не к существительному) for all lessons it takes about 4-5 hours. As a result, they don’t go outside often and it is one of the reasons of serious illnesses.

In conclusion, the 11-year educational system has a lot of advantages and disadvantages at the same time. But as far as I am concerned this system is more suitable to our country, because we need to study about 5 years in university and our country needs the work force.


оценивать не берусь, но работать еще надо. вы ни разу не употребили глагола в соверш. времени, ни одного фрейзал верб, вспомогательных глаголов почти нет. очень-очень простенькие предложения да и те не без ошибок. судите сами.

[Alexander Usov]

Пожалуйста проверьте эссе.

Topic: In your opinion should government intervene in the rights of the individual with regard to family planning?

Today there are many countries which face with a problem of the overpopulation. On the other hand there are nations with low fertility. In this essay I will discuss why and when authority should control family planning.

First of all, I believe that government has to adjust fertility in order with the demographic situation in the country. For example, since 1970 China has been having a one child per family policy. This policy allows to solve problem of overpopulation of China. Otherwise China would inevitably meet with poverty, starvation and unemployment. As a result China has the most educated and the healthiest the generation of young people for all their history.

Secondly, there are societies with low level fertility. In other word it is when rate of mortality is more than one of fertility. As a result population will gradually decline and it can lead to problem of national safety. In this case, authority have to encourage family to give birth more than one child. For instance, in some country families get money from government for the birth of the second child. This policy allows to increase fertility and decrease the percent of old people. As a result society will have more working people and will become more economically developed.

However, some scientists claim that humanity can meet with issue which didn’t exist before. For example, one child per family policy lead to the situation when child doesn’t have any siblings. Moreover a grandchild doesn’t have any uncles and an ants. The families with one child are risky ones for society in case of the natural disaster or the war.

In conclusion, in my opinion every country has to have its own policy for planning of family. This is fundament for strong and health society and will resolve many social problems.

[Lavrentiy]

Net problem...

Topic: In your opinion should government intervene in the rights of the individual with regard to family planning?

Today there are many countries which face with a problem of (omit the) overpopulation. On the other hand there are nations with low fertility. In this essay I will discuss why and when the authorities should control family planning.

First of all, I believe that the government has to adjust fertility in line with the demographic situation in the country. For example, since 1970 China has been having a one child per family policy. This policy allows to solve the problem of overpopulation of China. Otherwise China would inevitably meet with poverty, starvation and unemployment. As a result China has the most educated and the healthiest (omit "the", t.k. uzhe est' "the" pered "healthiest") generation of young people in all its history.

Secondly, there are societies with a? low level fertility. In other words it is when the rate of mortality is higher than the one of fertility. As a result population will gradually decline and it can lead to the problem of national safety (security?). In this case, the authoritieshave to encourage families to give birth to more than one child (=to have more than one child). For instance, in some countries families get money from the government for (=towards?) the birth of a second child ("the" ne sovsem podhodit zdes' t.k. est' teoreticheskaja vozmozhnost' escho i tret'ego rebenka, znachit nuzhno "a"). This policy allows to increase fertility rates (tak luchshe) and decrease the percentage of the old people. As a result society will have more working people and will become more economically developed.

However, some scientists claim that humanity can meet with an issue which didn’t exist before (="come up against a problem which..."???; "...hadn't existed before" - tozhe mozhno). For example, one child per family policy may lead to the situation when a child doesn’t have any siblings. Moreover a grandchild may not have any uncles or aunts. The families with one child are risky (omit ones) for society in case of a natural disaster or (omit the) war.

In conclusion, in my opinion every country has to have its own family planning policy. This is a basis for a strong and healthy society and will resolve many social problems.


ne ploho, sovsem ne ploho. Good luck![/b]

[Alexander Usov]

Net problem...

Topic: In your opinion should government intervene in the rights of the individual with regard to family planning?

Today there are many countries which face with a problem of (omit the) overpopulation. On the other hand there are nations with low fertility. In this essay I will discuss why and when the authorities should control family planning.

First of all, I believe that the government has to adjust fertility in line with the demographic situation in the country. For example, since 1970 China has been having a one child per family policy. This policy allows to solve the problem of overpopulation of China. Otherwise China would inevitably meet with poverty, starvation and unemployment. As a result China has the most educated and the healthiest (omit "the", t.k. uzhe est' "the" pered "healthiest") generation of young people in all its history.

Secondly, there are societies with a? low level fertility. In other words it is when the rate of mortality is higher than the one of fertility. As a result population will gradually decline and it can lead to the problem of national safety (security?). In this case, the authoritieshave to encourage families to give birth to more than one child (=to have more than one child). For instance, in some countries families get money from the government for (=towards?) the birth of a second child ("the" ne sovsem podhodit zdes' t.k. est' teoreticheskaja vozmozhnost' escho i tret'ego rebenka, znachit nuzhno "a"). This policy allows to increase fertility rates (tak luchshe) and decrease the percentage of the old people. As a result society will have more working people and will become more economically developed.

However, some scientists claim that humanity can meet with an issue which didn’t exist before (="come up against a problem which..."???; "...hadn't existed before" - tozhe mozhno). For example, one child per family policy may lead to the situation when a child doesn’t have any siblings. Moreover a grandchild may not have any uncles or aunts. The families with one child are risky (omit ones) for society in case of a natural disaster or (omit the) war.

In conclusion, in my opinion every country has to have its own family planning policy. This is a basis for a strong and healthy society and will resolve many social problems.


ne ploho, sovsem ne ploho. Good luck![/b]

Thanks a lot.

[Elizabet]

Покритикуйте и мое плс. Я только начинаю учиться писать эссе. Все замечания для меня будут очень важны.
Попрошу также, кто может оценить его по бальной шкале. 4-5-6-7 и т.д.
Спасибо.

Тема: Advantages and disadvantages of school reform in Belarus

Nowadays Belarusian government decided to back to 11th year educational system. At the same time pupils must study more information in a one year. Is it good or bad to back to 11th year educational system? This essay illustrated all advantages and disadvantages of this step.

Firstly, 11th year educational system gives opportunity to improve a demography crisis in Belarus. 2006-2008 years gave most positive effect of 11th educational system. Today we have a lot of high educated mums, who take care of their babies. Furthermore, this method helps to increase amount of employees in different spheres faster than 12th year system of education. Moreover, nowadays our country has a big gap in working class.

Secondly, 11th year system was developed in our country long time ago and our teachers had knowledge in this method of education. At the same time, when our government tried to make our system like European countries had, it took a lot of money and time to go into 12th year educational system. The main reason of this step was to make educational system more suitable and simple to pupils.

So that, the main disadvantage of 11th educational system is a big workload of pupils. They must study on Saturdays and have only one day off, which is not enough for good rest. What is more, they have a lot of lessons every day, and to prepare good for all lessons it takes about 4-5 hours. At the result, they don’t go outside often and it is one of the reasons of serious illnesses.

In conclusion, 11th educational system has a lot of advantages and disadvantages at the same time. But as far as I concern this system is more suitable to our country, because we need to study about 5 years in university and our country needs in work force.

внимателЬно не читала ваше эссе,но:

не следовало бы употреблят в эссе такие слова как mums=mothers, babies=children, личные местоимения "Я"и т.п...

в заключении ничего нового нельзя говорить ,только суммироватЬ все сказаное ранее.

ваше последнее предложение-обрубок. не начинайте с But ..как говорила моя учител еще не те скиллс и получилось 2 придаточных предложения. Где главное???

i eze u vas net TS-tezisnogo,glavnoeo predlo'zenija. s nego nado bilo bi na4at', a potom razvita' misl' i firstly, secondly...ili drugie slova sinomimi etim vvodnim slovam.