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can you check my essay about poverty Thank you all

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  • can you check my essay about poverty Thank you all

    Every country has poor people and every country has different ways
    of dealing with the poor.
    What are some of the reasons for world poverty? What can we
    do to help the poor?
    You should write at least 250 words.

    Poverty is an issue for every country and society. According to the report of the United Nations, over one billion people live from hand to mouth.
    Every country tries to solve the problems connected with the poverty.
    In my opinion, the reason for poverty is corruption which is widespread in many countries. In actual fact, only developed countries, where level of corruption is low, successfully cope with poverty.
    Let's compare New Zealand and a former Soviet Republic, . It is no coincidence that I have chosen these two countries. From my firsthand experience, I can definitely tell about government programs which is implemented to support people who are in need.
    My distant relative lives in New Zealand. After emigration 10 years ago she could not find a job because of poor knowledge of the English language. She had to apply for the help to the authorities of New Zealand and at once she got unemployment benefit on which she could afford to rent a decent three- room apartment, food and even some entertainments for her two children at weekends. She also was given a no-repayable grant for her education.
    She had been on benefit for 9 years and all these year the country, of which she even had no citizen but only the permission for residence, supported her and helped her to learn to stand on her feet.
    Now let's consider my friend who lives in a former Soviet Republic and has got three children. Unfortunately, she became a widow several years ago and in addition, she is homeless. Of course, she got a benefit but it is enough only to buy food for a week. She had to work at two jobs in order to be able to rent a one room flat in a seedy and squalid part of the city without basic conveniences such as hot running water and heating . She and her children hardly manage to survive.
    To sum up, I want to underline that only developed countries with healthy economy and highly developed democratic values do utmost to support people when they go through difficult time in their lives and in this way they struggle with poverty in their societies.
    As for developing countries, their governments should effectively struggle with corruption in order beat poverty in their societies.
    Last edited by Milaniyamiila; 16.12.2011, 08:27.

  • #2
    Две очень серьёзные проблемы.
    Первое: нужно делать общие утверждения. Примеры, конечно же, приветствуются, но они должны быть краткими. У вас же они занимают практически всё эссе.
    Второе: касательно Азербайджана, будьте осторожны на поворотах. Вы уверены, что Ваш проверяющий не окажется родом оттуда? Стопроцентно объективным не может быть никто и никогда, так что это может негативно повлиять на оценку. Лучше писать так: мой знакомый проживает в стране с высоким уровнем коррупции.
    IELTS 22.10.2011: L 7.5 R 7.5 W 8 S 7.5
    ACS 28.11.11-20.01.12: 261313 (Software Engineer)
    DIAC 175 application 27.02.12, CO 22.05.12, approval 03.08.12

    Comment


    • #3
      Извините, но мне кажется есть ещё одна проблема, но не связанная с английским...
      Вам уже пытались объяснить где должны размещаться эссе для проверки
      My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!
      Зачем вы засоряете форум? Не понимаю...
      IELTS 04.08.2012: L7 R8.5 W7 S7 O7.5
      EOI SUBMITTED: 01.08.2013
      INVITATION: 16.12.2013

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