My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[evol]

добрый день
можете посмотреть на мое эссе?

Most children spend a lot of time watching TV shows and playing computer games. Should parents limit the time spent in front of the TV or PC for them? Give your own opinion.


Most children spend a lot of time watching TV shows and playing computer games. Should parents limit the time spent in front of the TV or PC for them? Give your own opinion.

In recent times, watching TV series and playing computer games have become the most preferable leisure activity for people of all ages, and video games seem to be particularly alluring for children. Many people apprehend the danger of abusing of TV and computer games and advocate the idea that parents should impose restrictions on time their children spend in front of TV or computer. I tend to agree with this statement and I will try to prove my point of view below.

To begin with, nobody would deny that spending long hours at the computer or in front of TV does much direct harm to children’ physical health. Such severe ailments as rachiocampsis, myopia, and even ulcer may root in obsession with media devices. Bad posture while sitting at computer, kilograms of popcorn eaten in front of TV, lack of physical activity – all this factors, combined with each other, lead to serious health damage of heavy users.

Nevertheless, not only does it do much harm to physical health of children, but their mental development and social skills are under threat. Days, spent by playing computer games of watching TV mean days without communication with peers, days without playing with their counterparts. There is no need to emphasize that interaction with people of their own age is crucial for children intellectual progress and mental sustainability.

Having said that I would like to state that imposing some constraints on time spent by playing games and watching TV is obvious and reasonable choice for parents. However, it is essential to remember that limiting their children in some activities should be compensated by offering something in return; otherwise, children may feel miserable and abandoned. Ideally, parents should spend as much time with their children as they can, encouraging them to be engaged in physical activities.

To sum up, spending much time playing computer game or watching TV shows may be very dangerous for children. To avoid the damage, parents should put some restrictions on time spent being involved in such activities. Instead, parents should encourage their children to do more activities that are physical.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

добрый день
можете посмотреть на мое эссе?

Most children spend a lot of time watching TV shows and playing computer games. Should parents limit the time spent in front of the TV or PC for them? Give your own opinion.


Most children spend a lot of time watching TV shows and playing computer games. Should parents limit the time spent in front of the TV or PC for them? Give your own opinion.

In recent times, watching TV series and playing computer games have become the most preferable leisure activity for people of all ages, and video games seem to be particularly alluring for children. Many people apprehend (????) the danger of abusing of TV (what do you mean?) and computer games and advocate the idea that parents should impose restrictions on time their children spend in front of the TV or a computer. I tend to agree with this statement (which statement - there was no statement but rather a viewpoint) and I will try to prove my point of view below.

To begin with, nobody would deny that spending long hours at the computer or in front of the TV does much direct harm (??? -> causes significant harm) to children’ physical health. Such severe ailments as rachiocampsis, myopia, and even ulcer may root in obsession with media devices (I have a problem here. 'Media devices' is a much broader term and is not limited to computers and TV sets. Thus, here we have a real problem with readability). Bad posture while sitting at computer, kilograms of popcorn eaten in front of the TV, lack of physical activity – all this factors, combined with each other, (1. no commas. 2. cut 'with each other' -> all these factors combined) lead to serious health damage of (-> for) heavy users. (I personally would add some modality to this sentence as it sounds too strong -> could lead to)

Nevertheless, not only does it (what is 'it') do much harm to physical health of children, but their mental development and social skills are also under threat. Days, (no comma) spent by (->on) playing computer games of watching TV mean (-> means) days without communication with peers, days without playing with their counterparts (???). There is no need to emphasize (so why are you emphasising if there's no need? that interaction with people of their own age is crucial for children's intellectual progress and mental sustainability (-> stability).

Having said that, I would like to state that imposing some constraints on time spent by (-> on) playing games and watching TV is obvious and reasonable choice for parents (??? I don't understand what you mean). However (???),it is essential to remember that limiting their (cut) children in some activities should be compensated by offering something in return; otherwise, children may feel miserable and abandoned. Ideally, parents should spend as much time with their children as they can, encouraging them to be engaged in physical activities.

To sum up, spending much time playing computer game or watching TV shows may be very dangerous for children. To avoid the damage, parents should put some restrictions on time spent being involved (???) in (-> on)such activities. Instead, parents should encourage their children to do more activities that are physical (Brrr) (you've already said this!).

In addition to the corrections above, there are two more thing that I don't really like.

While you're demostrating quite a good range of vocab., you're repeating the 'focus' words, the ones that really matter. What is the reason for repeating 'physical activities'? Why didn't you use 'sports and active games' at the end of the second last paragraph?

There's also a bit of coherence problems (readability) so my overall impression: 7 - 7.5

In short, I've seen better essays from you. Sorry.

[Jess]

еще одно письмо, проверьте плз

You were unable to give an assessed presentation at a tutorial at college because you were ill. Write a letter to your tutor. Apologise to for missing the tutorial and explain why you missed it. Ask if you can arrange to give the presentation another day.



Dear Ms Tompson

I am writing to apologise for missing the tutorial last Friday. I really sorry about this situation and losing an opportunity for presentation, which you assessed. Let me explain what happened that day.

I was prepared for presentation the day before Friday. Suddenly, I felt the sick and terrible headache. I took a medicine and was waiting for two hours I would feel better. I expected, the headache became not so hard. However, it did not happened. Eventually, my parents forced me to go to the hospital. There a doctor told me it was the migraine and I must have stay there for two days. In addition I had no phone to call you and notify that I could not go to the tutorial. Now I feel much better.

Finally, I would to ask you give me one more chance. If I can to give my presentation this week. I promise, I will do it as well as possible.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely.
Jessica Nelson

[Jess]

one more assay

Some governments say how many children a family can have in their countries. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes. It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the populations in this way.
Do you agree or disagree. Give the reasons for your answer.

Nowadays, the population in the world has reached more than 6.5 billion. In some countries the cities are overcrowded. For instance, China and India have more than 1.5 billion people. The researchers tell us, in those countries population is rising faster than in other countries every day.
The government of China had decision to control amount of their citizens. They created the low, how many children people can have. Usually it is no more than one child in family. The family, which broken the low is punished by a huge fines and The biggest taxes of 10 annual profits. Despite, the families, which have only one child can receive some benefits from the government.
I partially agree with this opinion, because lot of people in China live in poor conditions. In some cities and villages there are not enough places and conveniences for quality lives. Majority of children are not educated in the schools. Such situation can lead the country to increase the crime rate. Most of people forced to leave the country for looking for the better life.
Whereas, I completely disagree with some methods, which the government uses for reaching their goals. For example, the sterilization and forced abortion. I consider it is very strong measure. Moreover, I am absolutely sure that women must do it only voluntarily. It is a big responsibility, deny a women the chance to be a mother. In addition, after the forced sterilization or abortion woman may became depressed and get a mental disorder in some cases.
In conclusion, I would like to say, the government must do its job and control the population. For all that, the methods should not be so radical. The people should have the choice in their lives. Wherever they live in China or other country.


Получилось 297 слов, даже не знаю что тут можно вырезать.

[TarasUfa]

my first essay

Здравствуйте!
Несколько раз посещал данную тему. Но написания собственного эссе постоянно откладывал, в основном Reading и Listening мучал.
Первое эссе доверил посмотреть только своему преподавателю на курсах(разнос получил полный), а вот второе решил попросить проверить многоуважаемых форумчан, т.е Вас
Задача пока стоит в основном выбора правильной структуры и более менее правильного использования слов. О времени речь не идет пока... писал около 2,5 часов))
Жду грамотных советов и замечаний. Заранее спасибо!


In spite of the many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?

Over the last 20 years has become remarkably popular all over the world to discuss the issue equality of male and female. Today an essential part of modern society. Around the globe this problem are decided differently and with varied success. This will be proven by analyzing the situations and positions man and women in different countries.

The first thing, state from North America, Europe and such as Australia successfully promotes equality of opportunite female and male. Rights on education and employment take in laws. I think that in this countries positions people not depends on their gender. Although, higher post in a financial, heavy industry and government less are opened for women than man. It is have a easy solution if the lady take extra knowledgs, education and a better conditions of work.

At the same times, a many states have a lot of problem with realized equality, It is important esspecialy for women. They don’t work in industry and politics. It is related with a religious tradional, laws and very difficult on workplaces too. I suppose, that governments necessary make changes in constitution and other a basic laws. Also the executive authority must has discussion with society and give chances for realizations people’s ambitions not depends on their gender.

In conclusion, I believe that in spite of some countries have problem with equality man and women this issues will be done. Developing states will be change traditions and laws if the democratic country help them because have a huge experience in decide this questions.

256 words.
Is wrote about 2,5 hours.

[Goran Dražić]

Здравствуйте!
Несколько раз посещал данную тему. Но написания собственного эссе постоянно откладывал, в основном Reading и Listening мучал.
Первое эссе доверил посмотреть только своему преподавателю на курсах(разнос получил полный), а вот второе решил попросить проверить многоуважаемых форумчан, т.е Вас
Задача пока стоит в основном выбора правильной структуры и более менее правильного использования слов. О времени речь не идет пока... писал около 2,5 часов))
Жду грамотных советов и замечаний. Заранее спасибо!


In spite of the many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?

Over the last 20 years it has become remarkably popular all over the world to discuss the issue of equality of male and female.

Today an essential part of modern society. - I don't see any verb in this sentence. Bad!!!

Around the globe this problem is decided differently and with varied success. - I would say "is being resolved" instead of "is decided".

This will be proven by analyzing the situations and positions man and women in different countries. - Last clause misses a verb.


The first thing, state from North America, Europe and such as Australia successfully promotes equality of opportunite female and male. - There are more than one state in North America, so state -> states. The phrase "such as Australia" sounds weird, it should be preceded by some noun like "states" or "countries". Again, you mentioned many countries, so "promotes" -> "promote".

Rights on education and employment take in laws. - Don't understand this one.

I think that in this countries positions people not depends on their gender. -> I think that in these countries positions people occupy do not depend on their gender.

Although, higher post in a financial, heavy industry and government less are opened for women than man. - First of all, "less are opened" -> "are less opened". But the real problem is that the word "although" is normally used to introduce some contrast, but there isn't any. There should be at least to parts in this sentence.

It is have a easy solution if the lady take extra knowledgs, education and a better conditions of work. "is have" - very bad. Who is the lady? Is there some special lady? We do not take knowledge, we obtain it. And "knowledge" is defenitely uncountable. Finally, "a easy" -> "an easy".

At the same times, a many states have a lot of problem with realized equality, It is important esspecialy for women. - times -> time. A many states - very bad again. realized equality - what is it?

They don’t work in industry and politics. - It looks like this one is the only correct sentence in the whole essay. But there is a problem with it. It is not recommended to use contractions in esays since essays are written in formal style.

It is related with a religious tradional, laws and very difficult on workplaces too. - religious tradional -> religious traditions or religions and traditions, pick whatever you like more. "related with" - "related to". "and very difficult on workplaces too." - don't understand this part of the sentence.

I suppose, that governments necessary make changes in constitution and other a basic laws. "necessary" -> "have to" or "should". "A basic laws" - you will be severely punished for using indefinite articles before plural.

Also the executive authority must has discussion with society and give chances for realizations people’s ambitions not depends on their gender. - "not depends on " -> "regardless of". must has -> must have - this mistake is also a very bad one.


In conclusion, I believe that in spite of the fact that some countries have problem with equality of man and women this issues will be done. - "done" -> "resolved".

Developing states will be change traditions and laws if the democratic country help them because have a huge experience in decide this questions. - "will be change" - what tense form is it? It should probably be "will change". "The democratic country" - is there some special country? Why did you use the definite article here? "because have a huge experience in decide this questions" -> "because they have huge experience in resolving these questions".

256 words.
Is wrote about 2,5 hours.

In addition to the corrections above I have one more comment. This was supposed to be a "solution" essay but there are only two sentences introducing solutions and they are at the end of your paragraphs. In a real exam you would lose points for that.

Hope my corrections will be useful.

[TarasUfa]

In addition to the corrections above I have one more comment. This was supposed to be a "solution" essay but there are only two sentences introducing solutions and they are at the end of your paragraphs. In a real exam you would lose points for that.

Hope my corrections will be useful.

Thaks so much Goran!
Постараюсь проработать все ваши замечания.
Еще одно интересует, насколько баллов можно рассчитывать с таким эссе. Хочу определиться с чего я начинаю свою трудный путь))

[evol]

In addition to the corrections above, there are two more thing that I don't really like.

While you're demostrating quite a good range of vocab., you're repeating the 'focus' words, the ones that really matter. What is the reason for repeating 'physical activities'? Why didn't you use 'sports and active games' at the end of the second last paragraph?

There's also a bit of coherence problems (readability) so my overall impression: 7 - 7.5

In short, I've seen better essays from you. Sorry.

Спасибо большое за Вашу неоценимую помощь. so my overall impression: 7 - 7.5 - мне больше и не надо, но увы и ах.

Хотел только спросить насчет
Many people apprehend (????) the danger. Разве так нельзя сказать? apprehend danger это ведь - чувствовать опасность?

[evol]

Some governments say how many children a family can have in their countries. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes. It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the populations in this way.
Do you agree or disagree. Give the reasons for your answer.

Nowadays, the population ofthe world has reached more than 6.5 billion. In some countries the cities are overcrowded overpopulated-менее грубо. For instance, China and India have more than 1.5 billion people на самом деле 2.5 . The researchers tell us, in those countries population is rising faster than in other countries every day.

The government of China had decision to control amount of their citizens. They created the low, how many children people can have. Usually it is no more than one child in family. The family, which break the low is punished by a huge fines and The biggest taxes of 10 annual profits. DespiteOn the other hand, the families, which have only one child can receive some benefits from the government.
I partially agree with this opinion, because a lot of people (many больше подходит для эссе) in China live in poor conditions. In some cities and villages there are not enough places and conveniences for quality lives. TheMajority of children are not educated in the schools. Such situation can may lead the country to increase of crime rate. Most of the people (Одно из двух, либо most people, либо most of the people) are forced to leave the country looking for the better life.
Whereas However, I completely disagree with some methods, which the government uses for reaching their goals. For example, the sterilization and forced abortion. I consider it is a very strong measure. Moreover, I am absolutely sure that women must do it only voluntarily. It is a big responsibility, deny a women the chance to be a mother Это совсем непонятно, я не могу переформулировать. In addition, after the forced sterilization or abortion woman may became depressed and get a mental disorder in some cases.
In conclusion, I would like to say, the government must do its job and control the population. For all that, the methods should not be so radical. The people should have the choice in their lives wherever they live - in China or another country.


Получилось 297 слов, даже не знаю что тут можно вырезать.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Хотел только спросить насчет
Many people apprehend (????) the danger. Разве так нельзя сказать? apprehend danger это ведь - чувствовать опасность?

Нельзя. Нет такого collocations.

В качестве проверки, для подобных целей очень советую использовать COCA (Corpus of Contemporary American English) or National British Corpus. For the reason I can't really explain I prefer the former.

So, Corpus of Contemporary American English (COCA) (no results) or British National Corpus (BYU-BNC) (just two links, one is very specific to the context, the other is Legalese). I don't think this would justify your use of the phrase, do you?

[Goran Dražić]

You were unable to give an assessed presentation at a tutorial at college because you were ill. Write a letter to your tutor. Apologise to for missing the tutorial and explain why you missed it. Ask if you can arrange to give the presentation another day.

Dear Ms Tompson

I am writing to apologise for missing the tutorial last Friday. - this sentence is correct and appropriate.

I am really sorry about this situation and losing an opportunity for presentation (non-defined clause, so no comma here) which you assessed.

Let me explain what happened that day. - This one is correct but sounds like it is from a novel or something.

I was preparing for presentation the day before Friday. - Past continuos because you felt ill while you were preparing.

Suddenly, I felt (no the) sick and terrible headache. - Are you sure you know what "to feel sick" means? If you meant to write about vomiting then it's fine but if not... Also I would insert a verb before "terrible headache".

I took (no "a" here) medicine and waited (you don't need process here) for two hours (until) I would feel better.

I expected, that the headache (probably "would become" instead of became) became not so hard.

However, it did not happened. - I don't like this sentence, it is very simple.

Eventually, my parents forced me to go to the hospital.

There a doctor told me it was the migraine and I must have stay there for two days. "There" is redundant and doesn't fit at all. What tense form is "must have stay"? "The migraine" - is it some special migraine?

In addition I had no phone to call you and notify that I could not go to the tutorial. Now I feel much better.

Finally, I would like to ask you to give me one more chance. - "To give me one more chance" sounds like it is from a soap opera.

If I can (no "to" after can) give my presentation this week. - What will happens if you can?

I promise, I will do it as well as possible. - I promise - informal. as well = too.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely.
Jessica Nelson

Jess, I believe that you should focus on learning English instead of preparing for IELTS. In this letter you made some serious mistakes, and it looks like they weren't just slips. If you are lucky enough and get a very familiar topic in the exam you will probably be able to get 6 but definitely not higher. For this particular letter I would give you 5-5.5.

[Goran Dražić]

Еще одно интересует, насколько баллов можно рассчитывать с таким эссе. Хочу определиться с чего я начинаю свою трудный путь))

I'm not sure what Band Score you would get for an essay like this in the real exam, probably 5-5.5. The essay you wrote has shown that you have serious problems with grammar and with the "feeling of language". So, my piece of advice for you would be to attend english courses or hire a tutor to improve grammar and definitely to read more articles and watch some videos to get "the feeling".

Just noticed that you are attending some courses. Are they IELTS preparation courses or general english?

[Jess]

Goran Dražić thank you for the checking. Unfortunately, I have to preparing for IELTS. I have only two months and extremely need 6 in each section.

[Jess]

То evol - Спасибо за проверку, только после подробного анализа задания и самого ессе,я стала понимать , что ушла не в ту степь. Стала писать о том, о чем не спрашивалось в задании. Полагаю это может сильно повлиять на оценку

[TarasUfa]

Да, Горан. Зная свои проблемы я с 1 октября записался на курсы 2 раза в неделю грамматика и 2 раза в неделю подготовка к IELTS. А на экзамен планирую не раньше весны. Будем практиковаться))
Thank you Goran!