My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Fit_Eugene]

FAR19812, мне понравилось, вроде все вопросы освещены

[FAR19812]

Еще одна проба пера. Дело было в субботу, делать было нечего, взял тему из этого топика.

Task: The increase in mobile phone use in recent years has transformed the way we live, communicate and do business. Mobile phones can also be the cause of social or medical problems. What forms do these problems take?
Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of mobile phones?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody can doubt that in recent years almost everyone has mobile phone. Theese devices help people in many aspects of their life. However, some medicians claim that mobile phones damage human health if a person uses it too often. As far as I am concerned, possible damage has not proved yet while all benefits are pretty clear.

In the modern world it is unusual if somebody does not have moile phone. Every person uses mobile device many times a day. Thanks to mobile phone operators, it has become cheap to make calls. As a result, many people use mobile phones even if they are at home. In my city, the price for leased phone line at home and unlimited mobile phone contract are the same. I still have both services but the only reason I use old phone system is if I want to talk to elder people who are not familiar with modern technologies. I believe that during the next decade people would realise that they do not need leased line phone system and all their disadvantagies any longer.

At the same time, modern mobile gadgets not only provide phone calls but also many other useful services. For example, thanks to integrated wi-fi modules, mobile phones could use free internet in public areas like malls, hotels and airports. Moreover, network companies introduced “bring your own device” service which provides secure wi-fi connection to corporate networks. As a result, for gadgets owners it has become easy and comfortable to share information with others using their phones.

Although some people believe that mobile phones damage health because they have radio anthenas while microwave could affect heart rhythm and blood pressure, it has not proved yet. Comparing all benefits and possible disadvantagies, people prefer to have mobile phones and use all their services if there are no any obvious reasons not to do it.

Евгений спасибо за поддержку.
За ваше сочинение скажу своё мнение можете обидеться но прошу понять
1) Во первых какие вопросы где коз сошл анд хелф проблемс
вот формс ит тейк
ну а потом + -
2) видно что не ваши мысли = почти ни одной ошибки да и предложения как будто нейтив писал
Хотя если сами писали то 8 за греммер

---- Итог - пишите сами - кроме того внимательно читайте вопрос задания!!!!!

[Fit_Eugene]

FAR19812, простите, но это целиком и полностью мои мысли =) Я не стал даже читать, что написал автор, поместивший сюда эту тему "мобильных телефонов", чтобы не набраться от него идей. сейчас, я, конечно, почитаю. Ну а во-вторых, мне эта тема близка по работе, видимо по этому было писать легче. Честно говоря, хотел писать и дальше, по посчитав количество слов понял, что пора закругляться.

Еще тут без проблем можно добавить что:

1) вскоре появится NFC, и телефон будет еще и кошельком. Те, кто думает, что можно жить без телефона, будут испытывать трудности, потому что благодаря NFC магазины будут отказываться от приема наличных денег итд

2) про видеозвонки, что это новый вид звонков и старая сеть уже никак их не сможет поддерживать. модернизация, бум технологий и прочее, отказываться от всего этого никак нельзя.

ну и еще что-нибудь

Щас придет Вандерлей и порвет моей сочинение на кусочки

Вопрос, вы пишите "кроме того внимательно читайте вопрос задания!!!!!". А что я не учел, можно подробнее? Вроде все темы затронул, все с заключениями написал...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Topic: Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Lack of capital punishment may endanger our security in everyday life and lead to escalation in number of violent offences. I completely agree with the idea that capital punishment is crucial to tackle violence in our modern world.

... According to world statistics, those countries that exercise the death penalty tend to have less criminal activity, especially if we are talking about homicides and brutal crimes

I'd give it 6.0 to 6.5. The latter is quite probable. There are several things I don't like about the essay and I really don't know how the examiners will look at the sentence that I bolded. I'm not talking about your viewpoint but rather I'm referring to general knowledge. And this is simply not true. This could mean that a tester could either mark you down for failing to provide solid arguments to support your opinion or could seek advice from a supervisor. If this is the case, you don't want this to happen. So, my advice is to avoid such generalisations. You could've said that 'according to some studies/ research, blah blah blah....'

Another coherence problem is in the previous sentence. before committing something illegal - you know, speeding is illegal but I hope you don't insist on capital punishment for speeding?

to cleanse - have you actually checked the usage of the word? If not referring to dieting or medical or sometimes spiritual stuff, it's usually implies things like ethnic cleansing and more or less is the synonym for genocide.

These people who perform all these atrocities simply (anyway, what does 'these' in the second part refer to?)

I think this family would feel better if they know that their child can be avenged - -> knew

There are two major flaws in your essay

1. the second Body paragraph. It talks about the case 'for' capital punishment but this has nothing to do with the essay topic. Let's look at the essay task again: Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society. How does this paragraph support or refute the statement? It doesn't. You're just building the case for capital punishment, heavily relying on the notion of revenge. Sorry, but you've just failed on your task achievement!
   
   
2. Conclusion. It's almost non-existent, and this is not acceptable. You need to make sure you write a strong conclusion. Otherwise, the essay reads as if it's unfinished.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Еще одна проба пера. Дело было в субботу, делать было нечего, взял тему из этого топика.

Task: The increase in mobile phone use in recent years has transformed the way we live, communicate and do business. Mobile phones can also be the cause of social or medical problems. What forms do these problems take?
Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of mobile phones?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody can doubt that in recent years almost everyone has mobile phone. Theese devices help people in many aspects of their life. However, some medicians claim that mobile phones damage human health if a person uses it too often. As far as I am concerned, possible damage has not proved yet while all benefits are pretty clear.
....

6.0
Too many mistakes, most of them quite basic. Too much of a repetition. And I'm not sure how Body Paragraph 1 corresponds to the essay topic as you seem to be comparing mobile phones to landlines, while the topic of the essay is to compare the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones.

It's also totally inappropriate to bring new ideas into Conclusions and you suddenly start talking about the impact of mobile phones on our health! The only other time health concerns are mentioned is in the Introduction but you haven't developed the idea.

Sorry, but you should invest more time in bringing your English to a seriously better level. Unless you are happy with 5.5 of course.

[foxyproxy]

I'd give it 6.0 to 6.5. The latter is quite probable. There are several things I don't like about the essay and I really don't know.

You could've said that 'according to some studies/ research, blah blah blah....'

Another coherence problem is in the previous sentence. before committing something illegal - you know, speeding is illegal but I hope you don't insist on capital punishment for speeding?

to cleanse - have you actually checked the usage of the word? If not referring to dieting or medical or sometimes spiritual stuff, it's usually implies things like ethnic cleansing and more or less is the synonym for genocide.

These people who perform all these atrocities simply (anyway, what does 'these' in the second part refer to?)

I think this family would feel better if they know that their child can be avenged - -> knew

There are two major flaws in your essay

1. the second Body paragraph. It talks about the case 'for' capital punishment but this has nothing to do with the essay topic. Let's look at the essay task again: Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society. How does this paragraph support or refute the statement? It doesn't. You're just building the case for capital punishment, heavily relying on the notion of revenge. Sorry, but you've just failed on your task achievement!
   
   
2. Conclusion. It's almost non-existent, and this is not acceptable. You need to make sure you write a strong conclusion. Otherwise, the essay reads as if it's unfinished.

Thanks for your input =)
As to "cleanse". I do know what it means and I used it here on purpose, meaning "eradicating this plague of bad people"
As to "something illegal". Good point. Yep, I hesitated about this "smth", but decided to leave it be in the end.
As to "these/these". Good point again. Just missed it. Tried to write it in 40 minutes max as in the real exam.
As to "some statistics". Yep, maybe I shouldn't be too specific in my data.
As to "second body paragraph". On second reading, I see what you mean and do agree that I strayed a bit from the topic.
As to "would feel better if they know". Missed it, thanks.
As to "conclusion problem". Sorry, can't concur with you on that. IMHO, conclusion is just a paraphrase of your opinion in the introduction. That's it. Zero new ideas, zero lots of information. Just state your opinion again and that's it. Again, my IMHO.
As to "6.0 to 6.5". Thanks =) Just curious, how did you come up with it? =) Using all four band descriptors or just by the eye?

Again, appreciate it a lot that you've found some time and read my humble essay =)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thanks for your input =)

As to "conclusion problem". Sorry, can't concur (???) with you on that. IMHO, conclusion is just a paraphrase of your opinion in the introduction. That's it. Zero new ideas, zero lots of information. Just state your opinion again and that's it. Again, my IMHO.

Sorry but I don't really give a damn whether you are 'concurring' or nor (and don't use this word in informal contexts!)

I wonder how you're going to argue your case with IELTS markers

Again, appreciate it a lot that you've found some time and read my humble essay =)

No probs.

[llelik]

Vanderley, спасибо огромное! буду работать над структурой и логичностью предложений

[newwave]

Господа, некоторое время тому назад задавал уже этот вопрос, однако внятного ответа получить не удалось. Возможно сейчас, когда тема обогатилась новыми участниками и awareness старых повысился, ответ будет более содержательным.

Собственно вопрос такой - вот имеется тема эссе (из хрестоматийного шеститомника Джейкман-МакДауэлл)
We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business,
hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the
future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious
of their benefits?

Какая структура эссе для этой темы является правильной? Отличие от большиства остальных тем заключается в том, что данная формулировка содержит два не относящихся друг к другу вопроса.

Правильно ли я понимаю, что необходимы вступление, 1 параграф - первый вопрос, 2 параграф - advantages второго, 3-й параграф - disadvantages второго и заключение?
Заранее спасибо за ответ.

[Vanderley]

однако внятного ответа получить не удалось

На самом деле Maimiti_Isabella где-то довольно доходчиво отвечала на этот вопрос.

Так вот. В этом эссе не просят обсудить обе стороны, поэтому будет достаточно если вы упомянете только преимущества или только недостатки. В данном случае будет разумнее написать про преимущетва, потому что будет выглядеть странно, если вы напишете про недостатки, а потом про будущее компьютеров.

Предложенная вами структура тоже подойдёт, только из выше приведённых соображений стоит поменять порядок на 3-2-1. Однако писать эссе из пяти параграфов я вам не очень советую. Мне например не хватает времени на это. Ну и труднее следить за тем, чтобы связность была и "гнулась одна линия".

P.S. Разрешите кстати поинтересоваться вот чем. Просмотрев ваши сообщения я заметил, что вы интересуетесь теорией, а эссе свои не выкладываете. Вы ведь их пишете?

P.S. Я сдавал экзамен уже много раз. Эссе такого типа как вы выложили мне не разу не попадались. Практически все были классические "to what extent do you agree?". Хотя я сдавао только дженерал, возможно для академиков такие эссе более типичны.

[Vanderley]

Вот кстати тот ответ, про который я говорил

You mean this one?

I think, yes, quite possible though I would've probably structured the essay differently. The reason is I don't see these questions as different. Quite opposite, the second one builds on the first one.


The first part of the essay task is a statement, which examplifies the next bit - the Internet becomes an integral part of university education.
So, MAKuznetsoff's idea for the introduction seems relevant. It needs futher development of course, but as an idea it's quite OK.

In the first body paragraph I'd focus on recent positive (you can also say negative, but there would be more writing to do!) changes in formal education which incorporates a wide range of facilities offered by the Internet, e.g. online lectures, podcasts, videocasts, online forums, etc. These changes have freed up a lot of time for students and represent a new medium that we have to deal with in our daily life anyway so there's no reason for education to lag behind. blah-blah-blah

The second body paragraph would state that this trend will undoubtedly continue and we have to learn to live with this. Yes, fewer and fewer students attend lectures nowadays as these can be downloaded from the server, either in a note form or as a voice or video recording, or both. So the idea of face-to-face delivery will have to change, with more attention being paid to tutorials, practical projects and informal discussions.


Anyway, something along those lines.

[Fit_Eugene]

Господа, некоторое время тому назад задавал уже этот вопрос, однако внятного ответа получить не удалось. Возможно сейчас, когда тема обогатилась новыми участниками и awareness старых повысился, ответ будет более содержательным.

Собственно вопрос такой - вот имеется тема эссе (из хрестоматийного шеститомника Джейкман-МакДауэлл)
We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business,
hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the
future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious
of their benefits?

Какая структура эссе для этой темы является правильной? Отличие от большиства остальных тем заключается в том, что данная формулировка содержит два не относящихся друг к другу вопроса.

Правильно ли я понимаю, что необходимы вступление, 1 параграф - первый вопрос, 2 параграф - advantages второго, 3-й параграф - disadvantages второго и заключение?
Заранее спасибо за ответ.

Я бы сделал так

Intro We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. Все это уже есть, и все довольны позитивными результатами использования компьютеров.

Main. Влияние только увеличится. They are used in business,
hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. Надо пофантазировать, как еще больше все будет компьютеризировано. Например, повсеместная работа из дома, отказ от больших офисов. В больницах полный контроль за больными и их состоянием из единой точки. Если что, сразу вызывается автоматом доктор. Пока он идет к больному, в его планшет/компьютер сразу подгружается вся история больного. Автоматическое разруливание взлетов, посадок в аэропортах увеличит пропускную способность итд.

Оно как бэ может и не очень хорошо все доверять компьютеру, особенно критичные задачи, как контроль больных, или разруливание самолетов. Думаю, любой согласиться, что с одной стороны, доверять компьютерам сотни жизней - это очень рискованный шаг для человечества. Тем не менее, пока сбоев не замечено, а польза и экономический эффект очевидны. Автопилоты, автоматизированные метро и многое другое лишний раз доказывают эффективность компьютеризации. Если так и будет продолжаться, я думаю, человечество скорее доверится компьютерам из-за очевидных преимуществ, чем не будет им доверять из-за необоснованных сомнений.

В заключении, согласно существующим тенденциям, роль компьютеров будет только расти. Стремление людей улучшить все вокруг приведет к тому, что даже особо важные аспекты человечества в скором времени будут контролироваться компьютерами.

[Dremlin]

Please, criticize my essay.

Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Nowadays many people live and interact with each other in any country. Some of them work to earn money for their families while others commit crimes. Government has laws to punish criminals. Some of them are very strict, have fixed punishments and do not take into account the circumstances of the committed crime.

Motivations of any crime are different and depend on every person. Court should consider each case individually. Reasons of why he or she turned out in court are also unique. Such example could be a woman who thieved essential meal in supermarket to feed her hungry children because she could not earn money for food. However, there is can be another instance, when young well-being man robbed a granny. Such man can not be justified and must be punished according with the strong measures of the law.

Thus government and court face the problem of punishment of accused person. Judges should be very carefully when they punish criminals. If there is some recidivist such man must be imposed the penalty with the highest measure. If it is the first crime a person should be punished according of the motivations and circumstances. Therefore, it is very important to flexible laws in the country which will be applied for any person particularly.

The question of the crime and punishment is very intricate for any judicial system. In my opinion, each man or woman, which committed a crime should be considered individually according with the circumstances and motivations. I believe that various punishment measures will be correct for each unique situation.

[FAR19812]

Господа, некоторое время тому назад задавал уже этот вопрос, однако внятного ответа получить не удалось. Возможно сейчас, когда тема обогатилась новыми участниками и awareness старых повысился, ответ будет более содержательным.

Собственно вопрос такой - вот имеется тема эссе (из хрестоматийного шеститомника Джейкман-МакДауэлл)
We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business,
hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used in the
future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious
of their benefits?

Какая структура эссе для этой темы является правильной? Отличие от большиства остальных тем заключается в том, что данная формулировка содержит два не относящихся друг к другу вопроса.

Правильно ли я понимаю, что необходимы вступление, 1 параграф - первый вопрос, 2 параграф - advantages второго, 3-й параграф - disadvantages второго и заключение?
Заранее спасибо за ответ.

У меня очень слабоватый уровень иссе
Но я бы сделал так
2 параграф - What things will they be used in the
future? ,
3-й параграф - Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious

всё просто в иняструциях всё написано!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Господа, вы ошибку из одного сообщения в другое не переносите: все-таки английский здесь разбираем

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business,
hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used FOR in the
future?