My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[CottonWood]

They say that a person should change career at least once in life. Do you agree or disagree?

В качестве тренировки для самого себя...

1. to take some duties - наверное лучше to have a duty
2. we will have question necessarily - why will we have that question in the future? Don't we have it now?
3. how long should a person work at the same place to be useful for himself and for his company?
4. that a person should change that (what?), at least from time to time
5. I will talk about below - Why "will"? Even in Russian it dosn't sound well.
So many "will"...
дальше не стал писать

[Pale Fire]

Добрый день, проверьте, пожалуйста и мое эссе.. пока еще только пишу первые работы.. кстати, может кто-нибудь поделится опытом быстрого написания эссе,так как все никак не могу вложиться в нужное время... как оптимизировать свою работу?..Спасибо.

Несколько моментов, которые, на мой взгляд, нужно исправить:


Nowadays (1) there is a personal computer in almost every house. It became like a part of family and a lot of young people can not (2) live without one. Spending much time at the video games is a harmful habit, which has a chance to lead to problems in the (3) health. People in our society have different points of view at (4) this complex issue.
As for me, (5) it is very useful to play with peers outdoor (6). Football, basketball and other mobile (7) games have a very beneficial influence on the health of our children. Also, outdoor actions (8.), definitely, (8.5) help to develop some helpful (9) life skills. It goes without saying that the fresh air always influences positively on people. Moreover, youngsters, socializing with friends, get opportunity (10) to establish in their environment. It is so nice to find reliable friends and go step by step, overcoming all obstacles and joy together.
Nevertheless, we must consider this problem from another angle. Computer games are not always harm (11) for a growing up (12) body. They can teach many various knowledges (13) and skills, which will be useful in the future life and at a job. For instance, people, who liked to play computer games, used the Internet or simply spent time at the PC, in adulthood had a high opportunity to find a work in (14) same specialty.
One could draw the conclusion (that) we must understand that our world evolutes constantly and computer skills are the necessity for all citizens in every country. But from other side (15), the (16) health is the best wealth. I guess, parents should find a middle way in raising their children and we will have (a) smart, healthy and competitive new generation.

(1) запятая
(2) cannot
(3) with
(4) on
(5) I believe that
(6) outdoors
(7) action
(8.) activities
(8.5) не надо запятых
(9) лучше useful, а то help и helpful рядом
(10) by socializing with friends youngsters get opportunity
(11) harmful
(12) просто growing
(13) knowledge is uncountable
(14) the
(15) on the other hand
(16) the не нужно

[inside]

[QUOTE=Pale Fire;2631671]Несколько моментов, которые, на мой взгляд, нужно исправить:

(12) просто growing



Спасибо большое за проверку...хотелось бы еще узнать мнение, на какой бал тянет эссе.
Кстати по пункту 12, может и не прав, но кажется, когда-то читал что по отношению к людям и городам необходимо использовать только growing up. Хотя может и ошибаюсь...
Еще раз спасибо за указанные ошибки!

[Goran Dražić]

Essay:


As far as people have to take some duties at some place, we will have question necessarily – how long person should work at the same place to be useful as for his own, as for company? I believe, that person should change that, at least time to time. This viewpoint has some reasons I will talk about below.


First of all, if the person works at the same place much time, some day he will know enough to fulfil his duties. And he will no need to get another knowledges. Of cause, person will improve his existing skills, but will not get some new. So he will be able to do only his usual work. His development will stop. Any changes will have fatal results, as for the person, as for the company, person working at. Company will need to renew some processes, but worker in according to his mental inertia, could not be able to accept that changes. So that worker will have to change workplace. A it will create other problems – with looking for new job.


When person works at the same place much time, he does not observe employment market. He does not know current requirements, he could not compete with more flexible candidates. His brain can not accept new knowledges. After all he will lost any chances to find job...


To sum up, I am sure, that progress should be in any job. If you fill any stagnation in you development, change your environment, job for instance. And have no doubts about that.

Task achievement:
I understand that your level sometimes can prevent you from conveying the exact thougt, so I won't be to hard on you in this section. Just one thing that I want to ask you - what is the purpose of your second body paragraph? Is it a continuation of the previous paragraph or is it a separate argument? I just think that first paragraph is clear enough to elaborate on it. However, if it is a separate idea, that there is no conclusion. I mean it's not clear why a person who stays at the same job would need to be aware of current market state. It would have sounded much better if you had added something like "By not following the current labour market news, the person becomes sensitive to crisis etc".

Coherence and cohesion:
First of all, do not start a sentense with and, or, but.
Secondly, look at you second body paragraph and look at how every clause and every sentence starts there. This is called constant thematic progression and is more common for narrative writing.
Finally, you are using quite simple sentences. For your current level it is probably a very good idea because it is easier for you to be clear this way. In the future, you will need more cohesive devices and more linking words(If your goal is 6 or higher).

Grammar:

• how long person should work at the same place to be useful as for his own, as for company? - It is a question. Right? -> should person work.
• he will no need - no -> not.
• knowledges - uncountable.
• Of cause, person - of course. the person(mentioned before).
• for the company, person working at - the person. no comma(defining clause).
• Company will need - the company.
• but worker - the worker.
• in according - no in.
• have to change workplace - workplace is countable.
• looking for new job - a job.
• When person works - a/the person depending on wether this is the person from the previous paragraph or a new abstract person.
• new knowledges - you know ...
• he will lost - lose - lost - lost. the noun is loss.
• I am sure, that progress - no comma.
• that progress should be in any job - there should be progress ...
• in your development

Vocabulary:

• As far as people have to - are you sure as far as is smth you needed here?
• no personal pronouns in academic writing(especially those you can omit or perephrase) - we will have question -> a question appears; I believe -> it seems; I am sure -> it is clearly that, clearly; If you fill any stagnation in you development, change your environment, job for instance -> Once an employee discovers stagnation, they should ...
• stop refering to an abstract person using pronoun he - use they/he or she
• as for his own, as for company - both for the company and for themselves
• time to time - from time to time
• fulfil his duties - perform/carry out duties
• renew - definition
• to accept that changes - to adjust to those changes
• He does not know current requirements, he could not compete with more flexible candidates. - flexible is not equal to market-aware
• After all he will lost - after all -> eventually.

[SunRise]

В качестве тренировки для самого себя...

1. to take some duties - наверное лучше to have a duty
2. we will have question necessarily - why will we have that question in the future? Don't we have it now?
3. how long should a person work at the same place to be useful for himself and for his company?
4. that a person should change that (what?), at least from time to time
5. I will talk about below - Why "will"? Even in Russian it dosn't sound well.
So many "will"...
дальше не стал писать

Спасибо за замечания.
Не знаю, почему-то я залез сразу в будущее... Пока писал, все выглядело вполне логично.
Отсюда, собственно, и куча will-ов повылезала.

[SunRise]

Task achievement:
I understand that your level sometimes can prevent you from conveying the exact thougt, so I won't be to hard on you in this section. Just one thing that I want to ask you - what is the purpose of your second body paragraph? Is it a continuation of the previous paragraph or is it a separate argument? I just think that first paragraph is clear enough to elaborate on it. However, if it is a separate idea, that there is no conclusion. I mean it's not clear why a person who stays at the same job would need to be aware of current market state. It would have sounded much better if you had added something like "By not following the current labour market news, the person becomes sensitive to crisis etc".

While I wrote my essay I thought that second body paragraph ("When person works....") should contain separate argument.

Coherence and cohesion:
First of all, do not start a sentense with and, or, but.
Secondly, look at you second body paragraph and look at how every clause and every sentence starts there. This is called constant thematic progression and is more common for narrative writing.
Finally, you are using quite simple sentences. For your current level it is probably a very good idea because it is easier for you to be clear this way. In the future, you will need more cohesive devices and more linking words(If your goal is 6 or hire).

I need "7 or more" (do not laugh, plllzzzz)
I built long and complicated sentences (I love them in Russian), then devided them to parts. As result some of that "parts" begins from "and", "but" etc.

Grammar:

• how long person should work at the same place to be useful as for his own, as for company? - It is a question. Right? -> should person work.
• he will no need - no -> not.
• knowledges - uncountable.
• Of cause, person - of course. the person(mentioned before).
• for the company, person working at - the person. no comma(defining clause).
• Company will need - the company.
• but worker - the worker.
• in according - no in.
• have to change workplace - workplace is countable.
• looking for new job - a job.
• When person works - a/the person depending on wether this is the person from the previous paragraph or a new abstract person.
• new knowledges - you know ...
• he will lost - lose - lost - lost. the noun is loss.
• I am sure, that progress - no comma.
• that progress should be in any job - there should be progress ...
• in your development

I can't say nothing....
Skipping "the" and "a" is my favourite mistake. Other - runiglish instead of English. I try so hard to fight against runglish, but now it wins against me.

Vocabulary:

• As far as people have to - are you sure as far as is smth you needed here?
• no personal pronouns in academic writing(especially those you can omit or perephrase) - we will have question -> a question appears; I believe -> it seems; I am sure -> it is clearly that, clearly; If you fill any stagnation in you development, change your environment, job for instance -> Once an employee discovers stagnation, they should ...
• stop refering to an abstract person using pronoun he - use they/he or she
• as for his own, as for company - both for the company and for themselves
• time to time - from time to time
• fulfil his duties - perform/carry out duties
• renew - definition
• to accept that changes - to adjust to those changes
• He does not know current requirements, he could not compete with more flexible candidates. - flexible is not equal to market-aware
• After all he will lost - after all -> eventually.

Thanks! I don't know how long did you check my work (I have written this for nearly 90 minuts), but is it very useful for me!
Thanks again for you help!

[Goran Dražić]

While I wrote my essay I thought that second body paragraph ("When person works....") should contain separate argument.

Well, I hope you got the idea. This paragraph doesn't say directly why it is bad to stay at the same job.

[Pale Fire]

Спасибо большое за проверку...хотелось бы еще узнать мнение, на какой бал тянет эссе.
Кстати по пункту 12, может и не прав, но кажется, когда-то читал что по отношению к людям и городам необходимо использовать только growing up. Хотя может и ошибаюсь...
Еще раз спасибо за указанные ошибки!

Не думаю, что больше 6. Скорее всего, меньше. Но у меня нет опыта в выставлении оценок, так что это только мое субъективное мнение.

[SunRise]

Well, I hope you got the idea. This paragraph doesn't say directly why it is bad to stay at the same job.

That's my fault. What I could say else?
Next time I'll try to improve my argumentation.
By the way, I'll have to write essay next weekend (IELTS).

[Maimiti_Isabella]

[QUOTE=inside;2634443]

Несколько моментов, которые, на мой взгляд, нужно исправить:

(12) просто growing



Спасибо большое за проверку...хотелось бы еще узнать мнение, на какой бал тянет эссе.
Кстати по пункту 12, может и не прав, но кажется, когда-то читал что по отношению к людям и городам необходимо использовать только growing up. Хотя может и ошибаюсь...
Еще раз спасибо за указанные ошибки!

grow vs. grow up - разные значения.

[inside]

[QUOTE=Maimiti_Isabella;2635964]

grow vs. grow up - разные значения.

а могли бы тогда прояснить для меня их различия?

[Goran Dražić]

а могли бы тогда прояснить для меня их различия?

grow vs grow up

[Maimiti_Isabella]

[QUOTE=inside;2636086]

а могли бы тогда прояснить для меня их различия?

grow - расти, to change in shape or size.
grow up - ближе к 'взрослеть', to develop

Thus if a person grows, he or she becomes taller (as an example) but if he or she grows up, then we are talking about maturing and becoming more responsible and wise And this would have very little to do with actual growing.

[inside]

Goran Dražić, Maimiti_Isabella спасибо большое!

[newwave]

Господа, прошу прощения за откровенный оффтоп, но пишу сюда как в самую живую из родственных тем.
Вот имеется семпловое задание http://www.ielts.org/PDF/120430_academic_writing_%20task_1B.pdf Вопрос к знающим людям - отчего в задании in UK, а не in the UK?
(вилька, сол - надо запомнить?)

UPD
На ту же тему http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-18852807