My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Grifffin]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста. Понимаю что уровень еще не очень высокий и старалась писать без словаря, за исключением одного слова)), но все же.
Write about the following topic:
In many countries people no longer wear their national costumes. They are forgetting their history and traditions. More people should be encouraged to wear their national costumes every day.
Do you agree or disagree?

. . .

1. Отсутствует структура (полностью). Почитайте темы в этом разделе (IELTS) посвященные структуре эссе. Там достаточно подробно описано.
2. Много ошибок (и орфографических тоже)
3. Рунглиш (калька с русского)
4. Маленький объем. За это снижают бал.

[Favorite]

Добрые вечер! Сначала хочу выразить благодарность всем форумчанам за бесценную помощь. Буду признательна за ваши комментарии моих эссе.

Тема:
Although it is a freedom to use tobacco while some people think it should be made illegal as the same way as other drugs. To what extent do you agree or disagree？ What’s your opinion?

It is undoubted that smoking is one of the most harmful factors for a human health. Some people insist on giving tobacco the same status as other drugs and imposing restrictions on its use. On the other hand we live in the democratic society allowing every member to choose its own life style. To a large extent I agree that tobacco is likewise drugs and in this essay I will try to explain this standpoint.
First of all, smokers become accustomed to tobacco as well as some people are used to drugs. I firmly believe that any addiction leads to destroying personality because a man who cannot help doing something will think about this need only.
Besides, it is proved fact that smoking causes a great number of various diseases inevitably. As a consequence the society has to waste funds for treatment and support ill smokers.
Moreover, many young people reckon that smoking cannot injure them in the same way as drugs. Although nowadays both adults and children are aware about a hurt of smoking, drugs and drink I suppose that the basic accent is being made on fatal result from using drugs forgetting about tobacco affection on youth.
To sum up, I would like to say that even though the modern society atmosphere of freedom provides a right for everybody to express himself in different ways tobacco brings harm to not only a smoker but surrounding people and the society overall as well. That is why, considering tobacco similar drugs seems to me as the correct decision.

[sergey_taurus]

Здравствуйте, коллеги по покорению вершины.

Выношу на суд общественности свои первые "блины": два письма и эссе.
Буду премного благодарен за критику. Заранее спасибо.

Formal letter topic (20 minutes, ~160 words):
"You recently stayed in a hotel in another city. When you got home
you discovered that you had left something of value in the room.
Write a letter to the hotel. In your letter:
- describe the item that you left behind and say where you left it
- ask the hotel to arrange to send it to you
- suggest a way to pay for the postage"

Dear Sir\Madam,

I am writing in connection with the little accident which has happened
with me in your hotel.

I was on a business trip last Friday Dec 10, 2009 and I stayed in your hotel
at room 4-54. I was in a hurry during checking out and I think I have left
my custom-made suitcase in the room. I suppose, I left it behind the couch
in the lounge or at the night stand near the bed.

I would like to ask you to arrange somebody to check this fact. If you find
my suitcase I would appreciate it you are able to send it to me using any
express delivery company. I would suggest FedEx because they have an option
which supports per-delivery fee. In this case I will cover all postings
charges by myself. Please, find my mail address at the back side of the
envelop.

I am really looking forward for your cooperation.
Yours faithfully,
John Doe

Informal letter topic (20 minutes, ~150 words):
"A friend recently invited you to a special party. You confirmed the
invitation but at the last minute your plans has been changed.
Write a letter to your friend. In your letter:
- apologize for your inability to attend the party
- explain your reasons
- suggest a way of making up for this"

Dear Mike,

How things are going with the party planning? I want to tell you that
I am really sorry but, unfortunately, I won't be able to take part
in it next Wednesday.

I know that I've confirmed my presense yesterday but today's morning
I received a call from John McCanon from highschool. You must remember
him. We were best friends with John untill he moved to Chicago in 2006.

So, he phoned me this morning and said that he will be on vacation
in San Diego next Wednesday too. I haven't seen him for a two years
and finally he convinced me to meet him at the airport and take him
to St.Joseph's colledge. Then he offered to spend next few days at Miami.

Once again, I am really sorry about this. I'll do my best to take part
in any future events of yours.

Best regards,
John Doe

Essay topic (40 minutes, ~240 words):
"The world is experiencing dramatic increase in population.
This is causing problems with not only for poor, undeveloped
countries, but also for industrialized and developing nations.
Describe some of the problems that overpopulation causes,
and suggest at least one possible solution."

Industrial development, increased health care quality has made
a significant effect on human population. Over the years the
number of people living on Earth has been dramatically increasing
causing noticeable problems in almost every part of the Planet.

The major problems which connected to overpopulation are lack of
food and natural resources. Increased consuming needs force every
industry to produce and develop anormous volume of products which
requires more natural resources to be involved in process.

In addition to resource shortage, the lack of living space in
overpopulated areas must be taken into consideration. This fact,
especially in emerging and developing countries, might have
a living conditions and quality degradation in particular areas
or in specific country.

One of the possible solution in minimizing the effects of increasing
human population might be found in efficient resource consuming,
development planning and utilizing the modern "green" technologies
in everyday life. Efficient resources consuming would significantly
decrease the needs which has reached very high levels nowadays.

Another option to avoid upcoming planet overpopulation might be in
implementing birth control policy for most populated countries like
India and China. For the past few years these countries has developed
some internal measures in birth control area which resolved some major
problems in these regions.

In conclusion, nowadays nothing could stop humanity from growing. Some
international agreements must be developed to minimize the effects of
this problem by efficient use of remaining natural resources and
carefull future development planning.

Еще раз заранее спасибо за отзывы и предложения.

[Ryzhik]

to sergey_taurus

Industrial development, increased health care quality (1)has (2)made
a significant effect on human population. Over the years the
number of people living on (3)Earth has (4)been dramatically increasing
causing noticeable problems in almost every part of the (5)Planet.

The major problems which(6) connected to overpopulation are lack of
food and natural resources. Increased consuming needs force every
industry to produce and develop (7)anormous volume of products which
requires more natural resources to be involved in process.

In addition to resource shortage, (the lack of living space in
overpopulated areas must be taken into consideration. This fact,
especially in emerging and developing countries, might have
a living conditions and quality (9) degradation in particular areas
or in specific country.

One of the possible solution in minimizing the effects of increasing
human population might be (10)found in efficient resource consuming,
development planning and utilizing the modern "green" technologies
in everyday life. Efficient resources consuming would significantly
decrease the needs which has reached very high levels nowadays.

Another option to avoid upcoming planet overpopulation might be (11)in
implementing birth control policy for most populated countries (12)like
India and China. For the past few years these countries has developed
some internal measures in birth control area which (13)resolved some major
problems in these regions.

In conclusion, nowadays nothing could stop humanity from growing. Some
international agreements must be (14)developed to minimize (15)the effects of
this problem by (16)efficient use of (17)remaining natural resources and
(1carefull future development planning.

1) have, т.к.Industrial development & increased health care - мн.ч.
2) make an effect - не очень, effect обычно have or produce
3) The Earth
4) has been dramatically increasing causing ... Лучше - has increased dramatically, causing...
5) planet (с маленькой буквы)
6) which надо убрать, т.к. после него должно быть are connected
7)очепятка - enormous
по-моему lack без the
9) deterioration in living conditions - так лучше?
10) the foundation of...
11) an implementation of birth control policy
12) such as вместо like
13) have resolved
14) Семь develop в тексте слишком много, try: evolve, elaborate, work out
15) без the по-моему
16) третье efficient не есть хорошо, нужно заменить effective, advisable
17) remaining надо убрать или заменить, получается использования сохраняющихся ресурсов - некрасиво.
1 очепятка- careful

Good job!
Don't stop.
Goog luck to you.

[Balamut5]

Inspite of the fact that it was to Lavreniy, let me drop a remark.
As far as I know, advice is uncountable noun. We were studied to use " pieses of advice" in this case. For instance,you gave me many pieces of advice.
Whether is it possible to use 'advices' here?
It just grates upon my ears.
But I've found a lot of "advices" in Google. So. I'm counfused.

It could be a bad habit or one more exclusion
For instance, advice: Definition, Synonyms from Answers.com
exerpt: Information communicated; news. Often used in the plural: advices from an ambassador.
Also, I've come across this text Parliament of Australia: Senate Committees: Committee of Privleges: Advices from the Clerk of the Senate, which we can take as formal/official communication and here the word 'advices' is used, though in slightly different meaning.

Anyway, I would avoid using it in plural in formal speech as the topic is dubious.

[Favorite]

Друзья, а мое эссе забыли посмотреть

[Deniszb]

Друзья, а мое эссе забыли посмотреть

Favorite, попробуйте на Международные экзамены: Форум для изучающих английский язык на EFL.ru запостить

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Друзья, а мое эссе забыли посмотреть

Although it is a freedom to use tobacco while some people think it should be made illegal as the same way as other drugs. To what extent do you agree or disagree？ What’s your opinion?
Вы тему с китайского сайта взяли? Честно не понимаю как можно отвечать на вопрос, который так ужасно сформулирован. Вы же английский учите, а не Chinglish! Подобного рода предложения просто портят английский. Не может быть в одном преложении Although и while, так как они выполняют одинаковую фунцию - связки двух clauses.
as the same way -> in the same way

To what extent do you agree or disagree - with what? There's no viewpoint to agree or disagree.

As a result, your essay as a whole is absolutely impossible to comment on since I don't know what question you are answering.

Sorry.



Ваше эссе я бы оценила на 5.5 Довольно много ошибок в плане органицации слов в преложения. Мне кажется, что Вам просто надо читать хорошие эссе много-много и много-много писать, чтобы набить руку, так как английский у Вас неплохой, но как-то неорганизованный, что ли...

[Favorite]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо за ответ и совет.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Informal letter topic (20 minutes, ~150 words):
"A friend recently invited you to a special party. You confirmed the
invitation but at the last minute your plans has been changed.
Write a letter to your friend. In your letter:
- apologize for your inability to attend the party
- explain your reasons
- suggest a way of making up for this"

Когда я прочитала это письмо, то у меня возникло несколько вопросов по фактам, а это значит, что страдает readability, так как пришлось остановиться и задуматься.
Например, если друг приезжает в среду, то почему нельзя его взять с собой на вечеринку.
Кроме того, я не нашла ответ на последний вопрос задания - suggest a way of making up for this.

Ошибки есть, но несущественные, впрочем, здесь ничего нового нет. У Вас хороший английский.

Вот пример того, как я бы 'исправила' Ваше письмо, т.е. сохранила содержание, но кое-что изменила, в том числе choice of words. Например, слово 'receive' is rather formal so I used 'get' instead. I've also used more phrasal verbs to make the letter sound more natural. Anyway, если что-то непонятно - спрашивайте.

Dear Mike,

How are you doing? I’ve spoken to several guys recently and everyone is looking forward to your party next Wednesday. I bet it’s going to be a huge success.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it. I know I promised and I really want to go but something else has come up and there’s a change of plans. I hope you won’t hold it against me!

Today in the morning I got a call from John McCanon, my best friend at high school. You must remember him. He moved to Chicago in 2006.

Anyway, he called to say that he will/would be coming to San Diego next Tuesday! I haven't seen him for two years. I’m meeting him at the airport and driving him to St. Joseph's. Then we are going to Miami for three days as he has won a holiday for two in a raffle.

Once again, I'm trully sorry about this. I'll try to organise a get together next month.

I’ll talk to you soon. Please say ‘hi’ to everyone.


Yours,
John Doe

[taha]

Пожалуйста посмотрите мое эссе!!!

Здраствуйте уважаемые форумчане, я недавно сдавал IELTS, у меня проблема c writing , что можете посоветовать и если есть свободное время, посмотрите пожалуйста мое эссе.

When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out.It is pointless to try and keep them alive.

In this days our planet lives in century of high technology. Everyday in the different countries the scientists and the inventors create a new devices to simplify daily routine. People use very useful technology for convenience and forget about traditional skills. I think it is wrong way of humankind and in the following paragraphs I will give my view.
Firstly, know-how technology is very good for people, because of facilitating the way of life. Nowadays we can wash clothes very quickly by using automatic machine. Also we can buy online tickets for train through Internet without go to the railway station.
However, many people consider that society always ought to remember about its traditional skills and ways of life, because our history is our power. If we forget our national ability, we will only one big crowded group without history and face. For example aboriginal American dwellers begin to use new technology, that many young people forget its knowledge, they became one part American society. Therefore we must try to keep our historic ability for future generation, our children can introduce with customary cleverness and to get information about your nation.
Secondly, we have to save our traditional skills for make money. Because in the modern world very quickly develops tourism, one of the most popular kind of tourism is educational tourism. People from the different part of the world like to show and live in the historical attractions and places, especially when museum’s, sightseeing’s workers make unusual things to use traditional skills. It is a very spectacular for visitors. For example, in my country make qumus to use only traditional tools, because if you use a new tools, that flavor of qumus will tasteless. Qumus is a national Kazakh drink from the horse milk.
To sum up, in the modern society people should keep balance between new technology and traditional ways of life, because traditional skills play significant role in education a new generation.

[kyp]

Здраствуйте уважаемые форумчане, я недавно сдавал IELTS, у меня проблема c writing , что можете посоветовать и если есть свободное время, посмотрите пожалуйста мое эссе.

When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out.It is pointless to try and keep them alive.

In these days our planet live in century of high technology. Everyday in the different countries the scientists and the inventors create a new devices for ease daily life. People use very comfortable technology for convenience and forget about traditional skills. I think it is wrong way for humankind and in the following paragraphs I will give my view.
Firstly, know-how technology is very good for citizens, because an invention facilitate our ways of life. Nowadays we can wash clothes very quickly to use automatic machine. Also we can buy online tickets for train through Internet without go to the railway station.
However, many people consider that society always should remember about your traditional skills and ways of life, because our history is our power. If we forget our national ability, we will only one big crowded group without history and face. For example American red Indian people begin to use new technology, that many young people begin to forget your knowledge, they became one of part American society. Therefore we must try to keep our historic ability for future generation, in order to our children can introduce with customary cleverness and to get information about your nation.
Secondly, we have to save our traditional skills for make money. Because in the modern world very quickly develops tourism, one of the most popular kind of tourism is educational tourism. People from the different part of the world like to show and live in the historical attractions and places, especially when museum’s, sightseeing’s workers make unusual things to use traditional skills. It is a very spectacular for visitors. For example, in my country make qumus to use only traditional tools, because if you use a new tools, that flavor of qumus will tasteless. Qumus is a national Kazakh drink from the horse milk.
To sum up, in the modern society people should keep balance between new technology and traditional ways of life, because traditional skills play significant role in education a new generation.

1- In these days = Nowadays
2 - our planet liveS
3 - for ease daily life = to simplify daily routine
4 - comfortable technology -не понимаю что это значит
5 - wrong way for humankind = wrong way OF humankind
6 - technology is very good for citizens = citizens не в тему
7 - because an invention facilitate our ways of life = because of facilitating the way of life
8 - to use automatic machine = by using automatic machine
9 - society always should remember about your traditional skills = society always ought to remember about its traditional skills
10 - American red Indian people = aboriginal American dwellers
11 - that many young people begin to forget your knowledge ?????

На большее не хватило. Почти каждое предложение с кучей ошибок. Элементарная грамматика хромает. Вам бы повторить сначала её.

[taha]

1- In these days = Nowadays
2 - our planet liveS
3 - for ease daily life = to simplify daily routine
4 - comfortable technology -не понимаю что это значит
5 - wrong way for humankind = wrong way OF humankind
6 - technology is very good for citizens = citizens не в тему
7 - because an invention facilitate our ways of life = because of facilitating the way of life
8 - to use automatic machine = by using automatic machine
9 - society always should remember about your traditional skills = society always ought to remember about its traditional skills
10 - American red Indian people = aboriginal American dwellers
11 - that many young people begin to forget your knowledge ?????

На большее не хватило. Почти каждое предложение с кучей ошибок. Элементарная грамматика хромает. Вам бы повторить сначала её.

Спасибо и на этом, я знаю свой проблему!!! Буду стараться, спасибо за понимания!!! С наступающим новым годом!!!

[Aleks]

Письмо

Уважаемые форумчане, первый пост, прошу вас, что бы вы оценили мое первое письмо. Необходимы 6-ки. Спасибо заранее. Пинайте сильно!!!

You have bought a mobile phone in a tax-free shop just a few days ago,
and it doesn’t work properly.
Task: Write a letter to the manager to complain about it and ask him to
solve the problem.

Dear Sir\Madam.
I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with your mobile phone which I bought at one of your phones shop "Mobility".
I purchased the mobile phone at your shop on the 11-th of november 2009, just one week ago. It was very strange when after my new Nokia was discharge I pluged it with the power supply but nothing was happened. The screen of the phone was black. Then I tried the same operation again with the same result. And you have to understand my position when after half an hour my mibile phone started loading.
Another story happened two days later, when in the morning I can not switch off my wake-up in the cellular phone. For stop the wake-up I had to switch off the phone.
Next morning I called to your service center, but unfortunately nobody took the phone.
I am very dissapointed and ask you for the full refund.

Yours faithfully,
Mr.Shy

P.S. Всех с наступающим Новым Годом. Всем здоровья, счастья, любви!

[Balamut5]

Уважаемые форумчане, первый пост, прошу вас, что бы вы оценили мое первое письмо. Необходимы 6-ки. Спасибо заранее. Пинайте сильно!!!

You have bought a mobile phone in a tax-free shop just a few days ago,
and it doesn’t work properly.
Task: Write a letter to the manager to complain about it and ask him to
solve the problem.

Dear Sir\Madam.
---
Dear Sir/Madam,
---

I am writing to express my /можно добавить усиление эмоций, типа deepest, extreme, etc./ dissatisfaction with your/это не его мобильный, заменяем на the/ mobile phone which I bought at one of your phones shop "Mobility" 'Mobility' phone shops.
---
..at one of your phones shop... и далее ты будешь указывать, что купил просто в магазине. Либо пиши, что купил телефон в его магазине, либо
купил в одном из ваших магазинов, по адресу и т.д. так же укажи модель телефона, если нужно.
---

I purchased the mobile phone at your shop on the 11-th of November 2009, just one a week ago. It was very strange when after my new Nokia was discharged I pluged it with the power supply but nothing was happened. The screen of the phone was black. Then I tried the same operation again with the same result. And you have to understand my position /frustration?/ when after half an hour my mibile phone would started loading charging.
---
кста, я забыл правило написания дат лучше уж 11 November 2009.. без артиклей..
в части описания проблемы, предложения сконструированы как-то непонятно. Логика вроде бы видна, но использованные формы не позволяют ей раскрыться. Вот такой вариант:
Let me explain what went wrong. I let my new Nokia to discharge completely during the day. When I connected it to the power supply, it wouldn't start loading and the screen would be black. I was surprised to say the least and tried to re-connect the device a couple of times, without any success though. Eventually, I left the phone connected to power supply to see what would happen. You would be startled too to see that the charging started after 30 minutes!
----

Another story happened two days later, when in the morning I can could (повествуем ведь о прошлом) not switch off my wake-up /the alarm/ in the cellular phone. For stop the wake-up I had to switch off the phone.
---
Another story... - sounds good in Russian but bad in English. You may use - Another case/issue/problem/challenge..

я вообщем-то понимаю требование использовать разнообразную лексику, а не только the phone / the mobile, тем не менее я бы предложил поставить себя на место читающего. Если в тексте описывается вещь, которая определяется 5-6 разными словами или выражениями, то это реально затрудняет понимание текста. Проще говоря - the cellular phone = the phone. Например, как можно отнестись вот к такому русскому тексту:
Я купил телевизор. При включении мой Панасоник ВХК43 шумит и выключается. При попытке запустить телевизионный приемник.... и т.д.

Последнее предложение не по-английски написано. Корректнее: I had to switch off the mobile to disable the alarm.
---

Next morning I called to your service center, but unfortunately nobody took the phone.
--> The next morning I phoned your service centre, but nobody answered!
Слово unfortunately - не катит, ты ведь жалуешься.

I am very dissapointed and ask you for the full refund.

Yours faithfully /sincerely/,
Mr.Shy

Концовка немного скомканая. Купил телефон. Мобильное устройство сбоит. Две ошибки у сотового устройства - звонок и зарядка. Можно было бы указать, что проблема с 30 мин. задержкой при зарядке происходит всегда, т.е. в течении всей недели использования Нокии. Последний случай то же самое. Например, произошла фигня с алармом и так два дня подряд, вынужден был прекратить использовать.

Однако в концовке ожидалась конкретика. Если недоволен телефоном, то зачем писать про сервисный центр. Если недоволен качеством сервиса, то зачем менять телефон. Например, позвонил в сервисный центр, они сказали привози свой мобильник и оставляй на три недели ремонта (типа у них стандарт такой), а тебе нужно сейчас им пользоваться и что вообще за фигня такая и почему ты должен это терпеть и ждать три недели при условии что телефон новый. Все достало - возвращайте деньги.
Во как.