My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Remboo]

Всем привет) Проверьте, пожалуйста, отчет. И, если можно, поставьте примерный бэнд ) Спасибо!

http://i044.radikal.ru/1204/aa/c56cdaa03f4f.jpg

The graph below shows the quantities of goods transported in the UK between 1974 and 2002 by four different modes of transport.



The chart illustrates the amounts of goods that were transferred in the United Kingdom via road, water, rail and pipeline over 28 years from 1974 to 2002. The data are given in million tones (MT).

According to the line graph, in 1974 the quantity of goods that was transported by road was the largest both at the beginning (approx. 70 MT) and at the end (approx. 98 MT) of the period. In 1974 and 2002 the lowest figures were represented by pipeline (approx. 5 MT and approx. 22 MT respectively).

Further to the most noteworthy similarity, in the late 1970s it was transported the equal amounts of goods by water and rail. By 2002, the quantity of merchandise transported by road and water had increased up to 27 MT and had constituted about 98 MT and 64 MT respectively. By the beginning of the XXI century, the amount of goods that had been carried by train remained fairly stable and negligible in comparison with pipeline, it had been raised fourfold.

Overall, the amounts of merchandise that were transported by four forms of transport represented in the line graph increased over the particular period.

[AK-82]

Зацените

IELTS is one of the most popular exams of English all over the world. In particular, people who want to migrate to one of the English-speaking countries usually take General module. Many people say that Task 2 from Writing test, namely, an essay, is not suitable for General Writing.
To what extent do you agree or disagree? What methodologies should be used for IELTS General Writing?

IELTS essay is one of the widely discussed problems among exam candidates. Personally, I think that this task has no practical meaning in everyday life and therefore should be excluded or substituted by something else. In order to find effective solutions to the problem, it is necessary to understand why essay is quiet often perceived as unfair.

There is not a shadow of doubt that essay does not relate to any practical skill. Evidently, we need to read, listen and speak every day. Perhaps, we may need to write letters of complaint, apology or of other kinds from time to time. But no one needs to write essays in real life. Although it is sometimes suggested that this is a typical task for university students, but those who aim to enter a university take Academic module instead of General. Another point is that it is impossible to write draft essay first and then final checked version within a strict 40 minutes time limit. However, such a constraint seems unnatural as in real-life situation no one writes any important document without preparing its draft first.

Clearly, measures should be taken to enhance General Writing section of the test. One possible approach could be to remove essay from writing tasks and to add two more letters instead. In this case, writing task would obviously help to train much more useful skills, at the same time remaining within its overall time limit of 1 hour. Another approach is based on the assumption that essay should remain in writing task anyway. Then, the overall time limit could be expanded to 1.5 hour. As a result, candidates will be able to make draft and check it properly without being in a constant stress and fear of running out of time.

To sum up, the concept of General Writing certainly needs to be reviewed. It is important not to duck the issue, as producing IELTS essay in 40 minutes is a rather frustrating and artificial task that places an unnecessary barrier for millions of people all over the world. In my opinion, substituting essay with two more letters would be the win/win approach for both test takers and assessing authorities.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем привет) Проверьте, пожалуйста, отчет. И, если можно, поставьте примерный бэнд ) Спасибо!

http://i044.radikal.ru/1204/aa/c56cdaa03f4f.jpg

The graph below shows the quantities of goods transported in the UK between 1974 and 2002 by four different modes of transport.



The chart illustrates the amounts of goods that were transferred in the United Kingdom via road, water, rail and pipeline over 28 years from 1974 to 2002. The data are given in million tones (MT).

According to the line graph, in 1974 the quantity of goods that was transported by road was the largest both at the beginning (approx. 70 MT) and at the end (approx. 98 MT) of the period. ???? 1 In 1974 and 2002 the lowest figures were represented by pipeline (approx. 5 MT and approx. 22 MT respectively).

Further to the most noteworthy similarity, in the late 1970s it was ???? transported the equal amounts of goods by water and rail. By 2002, the quantity of merchandise transported by road and water had increased up to 27 MT and had constituted about 98 MT and 64 MT respectively. By the beginning of the XXI century, the amount of goods that had been carried by train remained fairly stable and negligible in comparison with pipeline??? Ничего не поняла! Вы имеете в виду, что доля перевозки поездами намного меньше, чем по pipeline? - но ведь это противоречит графику! , it had been raised fourfold.

Overall, the amounts of merchandise that were transported by four forms of transport represented in the line graph increased over the particular period.

первое:
для подобных тем хорошее словосочетание, кот. употребляется в logistics (не знаю эквивалент на русском, а искать лень ) - the volume of goods

Кроме того, вы вполне может называть что перевозит, например, by road - vehicles / trucks (lorries - for the UK). To transport by trucks/lorries - to ship
By water - vessels, ships, cargo and container ships. To transport by vessels - to send cargo (please notе: to ship by trucks but to send cargo by ship )

Итак, глаголы: to transport, to carry, to send, to ship, to transfer
Транспортировка может быть by road, by train, by pipeline (overland), by water, by air.

Что я хочу сказать: темы о перевозках довольно популярны: развивайте словарный запас. В любом случае пригодится.

Теперь замечания:
1. - нужно какое-нибудь transition word, e.g. However. Кроме того, вы повторяете слова и информацию, что, естественно, не очень хорошо. И, пожалуйста, избегайте сокращений!

However, over the given period In 1974 and 2002 the lowest figures were represented by pipeline (approximately 5 and 22 MT respectively).

2 Further to the most noteworthy similarity - сие есть великая тайна, так как в пред. обзаце речь шла как раз о differences!

3. had increased up to 27 MT-> had increased to up to ... and had constituted... Второй had не нужен.

4. had been raised - зачем пассивный залог?

В общем, на сегодня хватит Главная проблема - вы сами себя иногда запутываете. С точки зрения английского проблем практически нет, за исключением словарного запаса.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Зацените

IELTS is one of the most popular exams of English all over the world. In particular, people who want to migrate to one of the English-speaking countries usually take General module. Many people say that Task 2 from Writing test, namely, an essay, is not suitable for General Writing.
To what extent do you agree or disagree? What methodologies should be used for IELTS General Writing?

Заценила.

[Remboo]

первое:
для подобных тем хорошее словосочетание, кот. употребляется в logistics (не знаю эквивалент на русском, а искать лень ) - the volume of goods

Кроме того, вы вполне может называть что перевозит, например, by road - vehicles / trucks (lorries - for the UK). To transport by trucks/lorries - to ship
By water - vessels, ships, cargo and container ships. To transport by vessels - to send cargo (please notе: to ship by trucks but to send cargo by ship )

Итак, глаголы: to transport, to carry, to send, to ship, to transfer
Транспортировка может быть by road, by train, by pipeline (overland), by water, by air.

Что я хочу сказать: темы о перевозках довольно популярны: развивайте словарный запас. В любом случае пригодится.

Теперь замечания:
1. - нужно какое-нибудь transition word, e.g. However. Кроме того, вы повторяете слова и информацию, что, естественно, не очень хорошо. И, пожалуйста, избегайте сокращений!

However, over the given period In 1974 and 2002 the lowest figures were represented by pipeline (approximately 5 and 22 MT respectively).

2 Further to the most noteworthy similarity - сие есть великая тайна, так как в пред. обзаце речь шла как раз о differences!

3. had increased up to 27 MT-> had increased to up to ... and had constituted... Второй had не нужен.

4. had been raised - зачем пассивный залог?

В общем, на сегодня хватит Главная проблема - вы сами себя иногда запутываете. С точки зрения английского проблем практически нет, за исключением словарного запаса.

Спасибо большое!!! ))) Все замечания взял на заметку

[Remboo]

Еще раз, всем привет) Пожалуйста, проверьте)

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?



Industrial revolution in the middle of the XIX century led to the sprawl of propaganda of output goods. It is considered to be that advertisement is the most effective way of selling products. In my opinion, an average consumer gives preference in favour of the certain merchandise being guided by personal considerations, experience and public opinion.


To begin with, fairly high percentage of consumers makes decision whether to buy particular goods or not staying in front of the counter without any impact of advertisement. Their choice predominantly depends on characteristics and quality of the product they have focused on. Moreover, if the price of chosen merchandise is relatively low it will be, undoubtedly, bought.


Secondly, there is a prevailing opinion that abundance of advertisement makes purchasers be more suspicious because they believe that good wine needs no bush. It means that if they even buy such products flaws will be found definitely.


On the other hand, gorgeous package, variety of gifts that accompanies purchase and urgent request to buy the product only once in order to assess all advantages trigger the process of mass sale. Occasionally famous singers, actors and football exhort to evaluate the production that will probably be useless but successfully sold because of the armies of their fans.


Taking all these points into consideration, it is clear that consumers have their own opinion about the goods they purchase. However, there is fairly large number of domains where advertisement can boost sales and increase profits significantly.

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[Andrew_T]

Hello!
I wonder if one of the bright minds here could be so kind to assess work of mine in terms of possibility to attain a band 6.0 on the IELTS exam. Also, I would appreciate to receive couple advises from you in order to understand is it possible to improve my results over the next month.

Thank you for your consideration in advance.

Letter.

You have taken a cruise and have been disappointed with the experience. Write a letter to the cruise provider and specify
- what went wrong
- how did you feel about it
- what do you want to be done about it.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to you in connection with a horrific situation which has happened during my cruise from the 3rd of April to the 16th of May. The problems are known was caused by an arrest of your liner in a Cuban port for a week!

Due to this delay, I had been late to my work that results in my retirement. Also I left the Europe with visa after the end of its legal duration and it can be expected to have a lot of problems with next visa. Moreover, my dog in the animal’s hotel spent more days and I had to pay the extra money for that. Thus, it is next to impossible to describe a degree of mine upset, feelings and attitudes towards the spoiled honeymoon.

Hence, I demand to compensate both moral damage and financial spending. All documents are attached.

Finally, I would like you to send one and a half million of Euro to the mine bank account as soon as possible.

Faithfully yours,
Mr. Andrew

Totally words: 174
Time: 22:00 minutes

Essay:

Many criminals re-offend after they have been punished. Why do some people continue to commit crimes after they have been punished, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

Today a rate of criminal activity has been growing quite rapidly and each question about prisoner’s life after their releasing is crucial. One of the such issue is why people just left a territory of gaol come back again into it soon. Even more, it is important to understand the causes of this type of behavior and how to prevent it.

To begin with, problems disturbing to start a normal life for ex-prisoners are obvious: the lack of workplaces, the poor education and the negative attitude of other members of society. However, for example, employment discrimination is difficult to eradicate due to a present economic situation when not only do mentioned above people struggle with searching a job, but also law-abiding persons do. Needless to say, that consequences of jail experience brings its fruits in the worst way. As a result, competition between uneducated ex-gangster with others citizens is placing his or her to the end of human queue of the modern working market that pushes back released person to the criminal path again and again.

Undoubtedly, human has possibilities for improvement of his or her being and case with criminals is not an exception. First of all, prisoners should be prepared to the life on the freedom by education programs in a jail before their leaving of this place. Secondly, if community is not ready to accept this kind of people it is necessary to organize the districts for them and workplaces there. Definitely, dividing of criminals should be in dependence to their degree of crime in the past, but there will not be a problem.

To sum up, resolving the problem of prisoner’s adaptation to living in society can be the only way to prevent them from the commitment of new crimes.

Totally words: 292
Time: from 22:00 to 59:00 minutes + 1 minute to check

Thank you for your consideration one more time.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Hello!
I wonder if one of the bright minds here could be so kind to assess work of mine in terms of possibility to attain a band 6.0 on the IELTS exam. Also, I would appreciate to receive couple advises from you in order to understand is it possible to improve my results over the next month.

Thank you for your consideration in advance.

Letter.

You have taken a cruise and have been disappointed with the experience. Write a letter to the cruise provider and specify
- what went wrong
- how did you feel about it
- what do you want to be done about it.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to you in connection with a horrific situation which has happened during my cruise from the 3rd of April to the 16th of May. The problems are known was caused by an arrest of your liner in a Cuban port for a week!

Due to this delay, I had been late to my work that results in my retirement. Also I left the Europe with visa after the end of its legal duration and it can be expected to have a lot of problems with next visa. Moreover, my dog in the animal’s hotel spent more days and I had to pay the extra money for that. Thus, it is next to impossible to describe a degree of mine upset, feelings and attitudes towards the spoiled honeymoon.

Hence, I demand to compensate both moral damage and financial spending. All documents are attached.

Finally, I would like you to send one and a half million of Euro to the mine bank account as soon as possible.

Faithfully yours,
Mr. Andrew

Totally words: 174
Time: 22:00 minutes D

Простите, но я буду откровенна. Я прочитала только письмо. Ощущение такое, что писали с помощью google translate.

Общее впечатление - 4.5

[Divo]

Здравствуйте!
Впервые выставляю свое "творение" на суд общественности. Буду благодарна за любые идеи и критику. Спасибо.

Zoos are sometimes seen as necessary but poor alternatives to a natural environment. Discuss some of the arguments for and (or) against keeping animals in zoos.

Nowadays, some people believe that public zoos are one of the most important part of the public leisure facilities in cities, while others argue that this kind of entertainment is cruel in relation to animals. Two points of view will be discussed before a conclusion is drawn.
On the one hand, public zoos provide people with a great opportunity to watch and learn about lives of wild animals, which could not live locally. Due to a busy lifestyle and financial issues most people are unable to visit foreigh countries as often as they want to; therefore public zoos could be very helpful in order to watch and observe wild nature. For example, public zoos can be used as a part of the school’s national curriculum in the area of environment and geography, where children are provided with the opportunity to improve their knowledge about wild animals. Thus, such important public places as zoos should be supported by governments and their popularity also should be maintained among societies.
On the other hand, public zoos do not always provide a suitable environment for animals. Animals are kept in a very restricted area in comparison with their natural living conditions. This restricted area may lead to uncommon behaviors and stress in animals. In addition, visitors can feed animals with an inappropriate foods, it may cause serious health problems. Visitors can also provoke an agression in animals that might lead to negative side-effects. Hence, as long as public zoos are not capable of keeping animals in safe and suitable conditions they should be closed and abolished.
In conclusion, zoos are convenient means of leisure and also cheap way to observe and study animals. However, people have to remember that zoos are not natural habitat for animals. Animal’s lifespans are much shorter and can involve suffering and deseases due to imprisonment.

[Andrew_T]

"Band 4.5"

Простите, но я буду откровенна. Я прочитала только письмо. Ощущение такое, что писали с помощью google translate.

Общее впечатление - 4.5

Здравствуйте.


Благодарю Вас за строгость и откровенность. Не подскажете, - какая часть вышеприведенного опуса вызывает больше всего отторжение?
Экзамен через месяц... и оценка ниже 6.0 - зря потраченная попытка...

[Divo]

И письмо вдогонку к эссе. Тему, к сожалению, в оригинале привести не могу, но русский аналог таков:

Вас приняли на новую работу, но в силу определенных причин Вы не можете приступить к работе вовремя. Напишите работодателю письмо, в котором:
- Поблагодарите за то, что Вас приняли на работу,
- Опишите проблему, которая ведет к задержке,
- Предложите компенсацию за Ваше опоздание к первому рабочему дню.

Dear Mr. Smith

My name is ХХХ. I applied for the post of a Land Economist in your company on the 1st of April, 2012. I am very grateful to you for offering me this post. I hope, I will become a useful and beneficial member of your team.

However, there is an obstruction that leads me to postpone the start date of work in your company. Due to the damage of my belongings by the removal company I have lost most of my stuff. Therefore, I have to stay in Moscow for another week in order to resolve all the issues.

I would like to apologize for any inconvenience that may be caused by postponing of my start. As my compensation for late arrival, I would like to create a database of potential clients, that might improve abilities of company.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.



Yours Sincerely





Daria

PS: После того, как опубликовала, увидела кучу ошибок, которые сама почекала, но, уверена, что есть еще куча всего, что заслуживает внимания.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте.


Благодарю Вас за строгость и откровенность. Не подскажете, - какая часть вышеприведенного опуса вызывает больше всего отторжение?
Экзамен через месяц... и оценка ниже 6.0 - зря потраченная попытка...

К сожалению, самая важная - уровень английского языка.

Возьмем самое первое предложение

I am writing to you in connection with a horrific situation which has happened during my cruise from the 3rd of April to the 16th of May.

в связи - это совершенно не 'in connection', a regarding / with regards to
Поскольку 16 мая уже прошло, и Вы описываете прошедший experience, то Present Perfect совершенно не к месту -> простое прошедшее

И я совсем не уверена, что ситуация была horrific - много крови было или люди погибли?

Таким образом, уже в первом предложении мы видим 2 проблемы - подборку 'правильных' слов и простейшая (!) грамматика.


Я не считаю, что сдача IELTS даже с неважным результатом - это 'потраченная попытка'. Во-первых потому, что нет ограничений в попытках, значит вы ее 'не тратите'. Во-вторых, любая сдача экзамена - это приобретенный опыт и ознакомление с обстановкой и требованиями, что снижает стресс и шок при последующих попытках и позволяет сконцентрироваться на задании.

Due to this delay, I had been late (What's the reason behind using Past Perfect? I can't see any!) to my work that results (Why Present Simple in the same sentence as Past Perfect? I can't understand your choice of tenses!) in my retirement (but this is wonderful, isn't it? You are retired now and can enjoy your life and do things you like and have always wanted to do! - check the dictionary meaning of the word 'retirement' ) .

Мой совет, к сожаления, не оригинален: учите английский.

[Remboo]

Еще раз, всем привет) Пожалуйста, проверьте)

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?



Industrial revolution in the middle of the XIX century led to the sprawl of propaganda of output goods. It is considered to be that advertisement is the most effective way of selling products. In my opinion, an average consumer gives preference in favour of the certain merchandise being guided by personal considerations, experience and public opinion.


To begin with, fairly high percentage of consumers makes decision whether to buy particular goods or not staying in front of the counter without any impact of advertisement. Their choice predominantly depends on characteristics and quality of the product they have focused on. Moreover, if the price of chosen merchandise is relatively low it will be, undoubtedly, bought.


Secondly, there is a prevailing opinion that abundance of advertisement makes purchasers be more suspicious because they believe that good wine needs no bush. It means that if they even buy such products flaws will be found definitely.


On the other hand, gorgeous package, variety of gifts that accompanies purchase and urgent request to buy the product only once in order to assess all advantages trigger the process of mass sale. Occasionally famous singers, actors and football exhort to evaluate the production that will probably be useless but successfully sold because of the armies of their fans.


Taking all these points into consideration, it is clear that consumers have their own opinion about the goods they purchase. However, there is fairly large number of domains where advertisement can boost sales and increase profits significantly.

[Goran Dražić]

Здравствуйте!
Впервые выставляю свое "творение" на суд общественности. Буду благодарна за любые идеи и критику. Спасибо.

Zoos are sometimes seen as necessary but poor alternatives to a natural environment. Discuss some of the arguments for and (or) against keeping animals in zoos.

Hi Divo,
The main problem I see here is that you answer a slightly different question. If you look at the topic more attentively, you'll see that this essay isn't about the value of zoos for people or society. It's about animals living in zoos and more precisely about it's pros and cons. So, your first body paragraph is irrelevant The relevant idea would be helping animals rescued from places inapropriate for their living or helping endangered species.

It's a bit late here. I will check other aspects of your essay tomorrow in the morning.

Hope, this comment will be useful for you