My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Kathy]

Kathy, the main conclusion we can draw here is: you have to come with at least some ideas and develop them into an answer.

And one more: no one cares what arguments you have chosen unless they are relevant.

But what if the examiner considers that those arguments arn't relevant? And as a result "the topic is not revealed"

[Vanderley]

But what if the examiner considers that those arguments arn't relevant? And as a result "the topic is not revealed"

Тогда не повезло
Вот вам история с экзамена. Человек идет на экзамен. Попадается "плохая тема". Он долго думает. План пишет слабенкий. Время поджимает. Он начинает писать из головы. Из головы пишется медленно и нескладно. Получается немного иррелевант даже по его собственному мнению. За счет плохого плана теряется ещё и когешн, а из-за того, что всё время ушло на писанину, писанина уходит непроверенная(то есть со всевозможными ляпами).

В этом эссе конечно по идеям может и не всё хорошо и по тому как перефразированы некоторые идеи из топика, но читается-то нормально и по сути отвечает на вопросы эссе.

Чтобы не было проблем с идеями надо брэйсторминг треинировать и много эссе писать. Там где-то выше evol выкладывал список эссе. Можно их брать и по порядочку брэйнстормить.

[Kathy]

Vanderley, ну это само собой..брейнсторминг очень нужен..список я тоже нашла.. спасибо...

[Zolotko_t]

привет! проверьте, пожалуйста, мой первый блинчик
уровень наверно PRE INTERMEDIATE

You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Nowadays, many people prefer to be presented with money as a gift. Having been suggested to make a choice for themselves; to buy either a piece of jewelry or tickets to a concert. I prefer to purchase a jewelry gold as a keepsake, a good investing and simply a beautiful ornamentation.

Acquired gold ornamentation for given money, it as a keepsake that reminds me about a man who granted it. When I look at it, I am always recollecting him and between us there comes into existence the link.

Another reason to buy a piece of jewelry is a good investing. The price on gold metal grows from year to year. And if it is an interesting thing and is made skillfully, after a while it will become a rarity.

Finally, earrings, rings, bracelets, necklaces and some other jewelry is necessary for girls or women that to look beautiful and to add to their costumes a charming and harmonious style.

To conclude, the chosen golden jewelry on the presented money will be delighting with the beauty, to serve as a sign of prestige and material welfare. And for many years there will remain a heritage and memory for you.

[ManunyaMunya]

Здравствуйте всем. Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, еще одно мое эссе. Все никак не могу справиться с тем, что слишком много пишу, а в результате не укладываюсь во время. Это эссе написала за 51 минуту.

With the pressure on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the recent years the success in studying academic subjects has become a compulsory condition of great career. The problem of development of the school syllabus which would be appropriate to the current needs of the society is a question which frequently generates a great deal of heated debate. In spite of the fact that there are those who claim that exclusion of non-academic subjects from the program of school education would have a positive effect on children’s development, I am inclined to believe that such measures should not be taken.

There is a number of incontrovertible arguments in favour of diversified education at school. The most significant one is the fact that studying academic and academic subjects at the same time would bring harmony in a child’s upbringing. It is non surprisingly that scientific disciplines such as mathematics, physics and others make a person educated and intelligent, literature and music allow us to understand people’s inward life and feelings, while physical training make a child healthy and more disciplined. Thus, all the things mentioned prove the necessity of different subjects to be studied during school years.

Moreover, understanding all the spheres of human activities and acquiring knowledge from not only academic disciplines but from non-academic as well would help a child to choose a future profession. Practicing some vocational skills a person has opportunity to develop his hidden talents and understand whether this occupation suits him or not. As a result when finishing school a child would have an argumentative attitude toward his future education and qualification.

In contrast, opponents point out that studying non-academic subject does not allow to concentrate on academic ones and as a result the level of education in that disciplines becomes lower. However, there is no evidence that studying more academic subjects would benefit a child in his future life. In some cases a person does not have abilities to acquire scientific knowledge so removing non-academic subjects from school syllabus would make him not confident and narrow-minded.

Taking into account everything mentioned above, it is reasonable to assume that it is not allowable to remove non-academic subjects from the school education program primarily because it would not benefit neither a child’s future life nor the society in general. Hence the best course of action would be to achieve a balance between different disciplines according to the needs of modern life conditions.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

привет! проверьте, пожалуйста, мой первый блинчик
уровень наверно PRE INTERMEDIATE

You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer

Это что, теперь такие задания на IELTS дают? Из какой книги поподготовке к IELTS вы взяли данную тему?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте всем. Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, еще одно мое эссе. Все никак не могу справиться с тем, что слишком много пишу, а в результате не укладываюсь во время. Это эссе написала за 51 минуту.

With the pressure on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the recent years the success in studying academic subjects has become a compulsory condition of great career. The problem of development of the school syllabus which would be appropriate to the current needs of the society is a question which frequently generates a great deal of heated debate. In spite of the fact that there are those who claim that exclusion of non-academic subjects from the program of school education would have a positive effect on children’s development, I am inclined to believe that such measures should not be taken.

There is a number of incontrovertible arguments in favour of diversified education at school. The most significant one is the fact that studying academic and academic subjects at the same time would bring harmony in a child’s upbringing. It is non surprisingly that scientific disciplines such as mathematics, physics and others make a person educated and intelligent, literature and music allow us to understand people’s inward life and feelings, while physical training make a child healthy and more disciplined. Thus, all the things mentioned prove the necessity of different subjects to be studied during school years.

Moreover, understanding all the spheres of human activities and acquiring knowledge from not only academic disciplines but from non-academic as well would help a child to choose a future profession. Practicing some vocational skills a person has opportunity to develop his hidden talents and understand whether this occupation suits him or not. As a result when finishing school a child would have an argumentative attitude toward his future education and qualification.

In contrast, opponents point out that studying non-academic subject does not allow to concentrate on academic ones and as a result the level of education in that disciplines becomes lower. However, there is no evidence that studying more academic subjects would benefit a child in his future life. In some cases a person does not have abilities to acquire scientific knowledge so removing non-academic subjects from school syllabus would make him not confident and narrow-minded.

Taking into account everything mentioned above, it is reasonable to assume that it is not allowable to remove non-academic subjects from the school education program primarily because it would not benefit neither a child’s future life nor the society in general. Hence the best course of action would be to achieve a balance between different disciplines according to the needs of modern life conditions.

Если удалите клише, то с'кономите кучу времени и сократите количество слов.
Ваш уровень английского где-то в районе хорошей 7-ки, но несколько случаев неправильной пунктуации (запятые) иногда затрудняет понимание текста. Ну и клише - они 'забивают' голову ненужным хламом.

[Zolotko_t]

Это что, теперь такие задания на IELTS дают? Из какой книги поподготовке к IELTS вы взяли данную тему?

из списка "How to prepare for the TOEFL essay"

[Maimiti_Isabella]

из списка "How to prepare for the TOEFL essay"

Совершенно верно. А здесь помогают подготовиться к IELTS (о чем даже говорится в назании форума). Вам надо искать форум, где помогают с TOEFL.

[ManunyaMunya]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо за ответ. Будем работать дальше - до 10 декабря время еще остается.

[Vovka]

My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

Здравствуйте, прокомментируйте пожалста мое Эссе.

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development.


Today, in a fast moving world the way of interaction between people changes considerably. It has been seen in close connection in a family or between friends as well. Some people believe that new technologies are the main reason of the changing.

Initially, the invention of the Internet and world network become a milestone of twentieth century. It was the beginning of a new digital era of cyber communication, online communication, and even friendship via the Internet. People used to write great number of ordinary letters, and sent them with a post. Some might say that it was the most amazing moment when you receive an envelop from the friend or sweetheart. However, today’s emails can not reflect such a dramatic moments of having a letter. It takes only a few clicks to send any letter to any person all over the world. This example clearly shows that the new technologies could reduce the emotional part of our life.

Nevertheless, online communication seems to improve our life. The great sample is the communication through the social network. Undoubtedly, it is the most cheapest and the fastest way of searching old friends or finding people with the same interests. New technologies improve the long distance communication . The great number of people have reletives in every part of the world, now they can interact to each other without any difficulties , they could even make a video conference in order to eliminate the distance between them.
I am sure that new inventions completely improve our life, undoubtedly, the way of today’s communication has much more benefits than it used to be. Cyber communication is a great bonus to a real communication.

In conclusion I would say that nowadays people are happy to have an extra option to interact to each other . Therefore, communication with new technologies is a great step to enhance peoples’ life.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте, прокомментируйте пожалста мое Эссе.

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development...

Я не знаю какой Вам нужен балл и когда Вы собираетесь сдавать экзамен. Я не знаю как Вы готовитесь к экзамену. Но я считаю своим долгом дать вам пару советов по подготовке, хотя возможно вы уже и так это делаете, просто надо больше времени.

У Вас довольно много ошибок на неправильное употребление слов и конструкции. И дело не в грамматике, а в выборе того или иного слова.

Например ordinary letters - нет такого понятия в английском языке. Вернее, в определенном контексте может быть, но это совсем не то, что Вы имеете ввиду. Другой подобный пример receive an envelop - тоже в английском совсем другое значение. Обычно употребляется, когда получаешь А3 конверт с документами, часто юридического характера (например на развод). sent them with a post -> by post. completely improve - такого не словосочетания не существует в английском языке. interact to each other -> to interact with

Это я все к тому, что Вам надо много читать на английском (газеты, журналы, слушать радио) и выписывать слова и выражения в их 'окружении', а потом по образцу и подобию строить свои фразы.

Только так вы научитесь выражать свои мысли на английском.
И еще я очень советую позаниматься по Vocabulary for IELTS (there are at least 2 different books, one published by Oxford and another one by Cambridge).

Если есть время, то я бы пока не пыталась писать 'на время', а сконцентрировалась бы на правильности.

Если Вы все это делаете, то значит просто количество не перешло пока в качество. Продолжайте заниматься, и в какой-то момент результат будет.

И да, как я уже Вам говорила, мне лично кажется, что у Вас будет хорошая оценка, если Вы будете продолжать заниматься. У вас хороший стиль, отсутствуют клише и есть что-то, что делает ваши эссе легкими и приятными для чтения.

[Вера Букина]

"Smoking is on the increase among young people. Discuss the problem and suggestion what might be done about it".

Over the last twenty years smoking has become remarkably popular and statistics show that about 9 out of 10 tobacco users start before they are 18 years old. Perhaps the main reason for this alarming fact is the widespread point of view that smoking is in fashion and young generation is the first segment of society who tends to be in trends. Other contributing factors include the lack of awareness among adolescences on a real influence the health of all forms of tobacco and delusion regarding the absence of strong smoking addiction. That is why significant measures must be taken by community in order to deal with this situation.

One possible way to reduce the number of young smokers would be ban on smoking in all public places and increase the quantity of advertising on TV, radio and the internet which is aimed to raise the popularity of healthy lifestyle instead of smoking. When staying smoke free became a fashionable trend, then youth would support this direction and refuse to smoke.

Another effective method to deal with this problem is to include special courses concerning how smoking affects human health to educational programs at school and universities. As a result, every young person will know about a wide range of awful incurable diseases which is caused by smoking and about the dangerous impact of tobacco nicotine which is highly addictive. These knowledge should help young people to not start smoking at all.

Steps should also be taken to dispel the myth that hookahs and electronic cigarettes which are so popular today are safer. These alternatives of cigarettes must be limited for sale and accompanied by appropriate notations of health warnings as usual cigarettes, because the risks of them might be even greater. These restrictions and symbols should change the public opinion regarding harmlessness of these kinds of smoking and made them less attractive for adolescences.

One final suggestion, which would help enormously, is foundation and development the support centers which provide information and different approaches for young people who want to quit and need professional help. The outcome of working of such centers would be healthy and happy young generation who could able to overcome this bad habit.

In conclusion, although the smoking among young people is a big problem of modern society, there are several measures that can be taken to reduce the quantity of young smokers.


Всем привет! Было бы очень приятно, если бы кто-нибудь прокомментировал мое эссе. (Мне нужно не меньше 5-общий бал General)

[Vovka]

Я не знаю какой Вам нужен балл и когда Вы собираетесь сдавать экзамен. Я не знаю как Вы готовитесь к экзамену. Но я считаю своим долгом дать вам пару советов по подготовке, хотя возможно вы уже и так это делаете, просто надо больше времени.

Maimiti_Isabella огромное Вам спасибо за проверку.
Я сдаваться планирую где-то в январе месяце. Прошлый раз я сдавал 1.5 года назад и получил 5.5, с того времени усиленно занимаюсь где-то год. Сейчас мне нужна 7

Насчет vocabulary for IELTS, я практически прошел кэмбриджский, вещь супер, всё что мог оттуда вытянул.
У меня к вам вопрос, наверно, основная моя проблема в том, что я по максимуму пытаюсь не повторятся в словах, фразах, мыслях, из-за этого пишу синонимы в которых не уверен, например letter- envelop, improve-enhance и т.д. получаетса, что в ряде случаев делаю ошибки , хотя можно повторится и не допустить ошибку. Как в такой ситуации быть? Или придумал фразу ну супер пупер, а ты в ней не уверен. Как быть?
P.S. Хе,хе хуже всего выпендрится и облажаться

[srr]

Как в такой ситуации быть? Или придумал фразу ну супер пупер, а ты в ней не уверен. Как быть?

Мне кажется нужно больше читать и слушать, со временем начинаешь чувствовать, что "так не говорят".