My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Esperanca]

They are different in terms of the level of formality and also from the point of view of how the tasks are set.

Frankly, I'm astonished that people who are preparing to sit for IELTS are not familiar with the requirements and don't read the official information.

http://www.ielts.org/pdf/Information...es_booklet.pdf (go to page 5)

Thanks for the link. I've been preparing for Academic module and didn't pay any attention to General one. But today I decided to try GM and have not read any info regarding this module yet.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Well, I saw these requirements, but they are too abstract. The only conclusion I could draw from this brochure was that students who take AM are more likely to be punished.

They are not abstract. They state very clearly that the language for the Academic essay should be more formal and less personal. This will dictate your choice of vocab., grammar and sentence patterns.

The essay for the General task could be 'slightly' more personal'. And from this point of view, I don't believe that the overuse of the personal pronouns in your essay can be classified as 'slightly'

In addition, as I said, the tasks are worded slightly differently, to correspond to the style. As a general rule, you wouldn't be asked for your opinion (i.e. what is your opinion) in the Academic IELTS essay but rather for the arguments to justify a certain opinion.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thanks for the link. I've been preparing for Academic module and didn't pay any attention to General one. But today I decided to try GM and have not read any info regarding this module yet.

Of course it depends on you level of English but I don't think it makes sense to do any extra work on the General Module while preparing for the Academic one. Academic is more sophisticated and shows your ability to manipulate the language at a higher level.

So, it's better to learn to use the 'correct' patterns, i.e. upgrading your language is not punishable while downgrading is.

[Esperanca]

They state very clearly that the language for the Academic essay should be more formal and less personal. This will dictate your choice of vocab., grammar and sentence patterns.

I am wondering, what if I write general essay in academic formal style or mix both styles, will they penalise me?

[Goran Dražić]

They are not abstract. They state very clearly that the language for the Academic essay should be more formal and less personal. This will dictate your choice of vocab., grammar and sentence patterns.

The essay for the General task could be 'slightly' more personal'. And from this point of view, I don't believe that the overuse of the personal pronouns in your essay can be classified as 'slightly'

In addition, as I said, the tasks are worded slightly differently, to correspond to the style. As a general rule, you wouldn't be asked for your opinion (i.e. what is your opinion) in the Academic IELTS essay but rather for the arguments to justify a certain opinion.

It is probably that I am a mathematician that I want to have instructions in more clear form, like "do this, avoid doing that, have your result in the form...". Anyway, I agree with you that those instructions are enough too find out what an IELTS essay should look like. One should just carefully read them and make sure they can interpret every little part of them.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I am wondering, what if I write general essay in academic formal style or mix both styles, will they penalise me?

For mixing, yes, you'll certainly be penalised. Making it more Academic than required shouldn't be an issue as you can see from the requirements I gave you the link to: 'can be slightly more personal'.

[Esperanca]

Of course it depends on you level of English but I don't think it makes sense to do any extra work on the General Module while preparing for the Academic one. Academic is more sophisticated and shows your ability to manipulate the language at a higher level.

So, it's better to learn to use the 'correct' patterns, i.e. upgrading your language is not punishable while downgrading is.

Actually, I am going to sit both GM and AM tests. The question is which one to take first. I need 7777 in AM to get positive assessment from accounting body while I still need to obtain 8888 to meet point test requirements. Due to time limitation I am in big doubt about my ability to reach 8 in academic writing. Therefore I am thinking about taking GM first with the hope to gain desirable "8"; and in case of success, I will take AM next.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Actually, I am going to sit both GM and AM tests. The question is which one to take first. I need 7777 in AM to get positive assessment from accounting body while I still need to obtain 8888 to meet point test requirements. Due to time limitation I am in big doubt about my ability to reach 8 in academic writing. Therefore I am thinking about taking GM first with the hope to gain desirable "8"; and in case of success, I will take AM next.

Now I got it.
G'luck.

[Esperanca]

Now I got it.
G'luck.

Thanks

[laurie]

Здравствуйте, уважаемые участники форума. Прокомментируте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Экзамен у меня в четверг, и очень желательно набрать как минимум 6 на райтинге. Как вы считаете, потянет такая писанина на шестерку?

Many old cities around the world are going through major processes of modernization. What are the advantages and disadvantages of modernization?


It is undoubtedly true that nowadays old cities are changing because of technological progress and other reasons. Indeed, we need wider roads for millions automobiles, big population requires higher buildings and new culture changes the view of old streets. This essay will examine the advantages and disadvantages of this progress.

On the one hand, the transports problems in many cities make us build underground stations, provide new roads communications, reduce the amount of unused urban spaces, All this changes not only develop new faces for cities but also help us to resolve transport's problems. Another point is that new architects have their own ideas about an 'ideal city' and they work according to this. This ins good point because every generation should make its own track.

On the other hand, the amount of trees in the old cities is decreased because of all this changes. Of cause it is terrible and could influence on health of citizens. Secondly, frequently old buildings with high historical value are destroyed during realizations of new cities plans. I believe that we should prevent this.

In summary, it is clear that sometimes it is necessary to change the view of cities and it could bring some profits. But my personal opinion is that we can not avoid to make such changes if they could make negative influence on our health or destroy some memorials. If we want to save our cities as good paces for living we should take care about any changes of them.

[Goran Dražić]

Здравствуйте, уважаемые участники форума. Прокомментируте, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Экзамен у меня в четверг, и очень желательно набрать как минимум 6 на райтинге. Как вы считаете, потянет такая писанина на шестерку? Many old cities around the world are going through major processes of modernization. What are the advantages and disadvantages of modernization?

Let me contribute to this "essay checking" project.

The first problem with your essay is that your explanations are not very coherent. I mean that you just list several problems and then blame everything on them. It is not clear what causes what and if it is connected with modernisation at all.

Next problem is that your paragraphs don't have clear topic sentenses. I had to read till the end of the paragraph and then reread once again to understand what the topic of the paragraph was.

You also have elements of off-topic here. A clear example of this is "I believe that we should prevent this." You are supposed to answer the question "what are the advantages and disadvantages", not "should we do smth". Although it would be probably ok to write about "shoulds" in conclusion.

You have problems with vocabulary and grammar. There are problems with the structure of sentenses, your sentenses don't sound like english ones, your vacobulary is quite simple and quite often you use it in a wrong way. Finally, there are grammar mistakes.

Not sure about a possible band score but I would say that you are in a risk zone if you need 6.

[laurie]

Thank you Goran for your comment. I'll try to take your critics into account and improve my writing.

[Goran Dražić]

Can someone check my next essay. This one is on graduates and salaries.

Topic: When the time comes to commence full-time employment, individuas who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is an opinion essay. I think that higher education alone shouldn't give university graduates an advantage when it comes to amount of money thay will be paid.


Short plan:

• Intro. Restate the topic. Disagree with the opinion.
• 1st body paragraph. Higher education doesn't guarantee that a graduate will become a good worker.
• 2nd body paragraph. Sometimes those who are really talented have problem getting education.
• Conclusion. Equal opportunities. Real knowledge and skills should be taken into account.

Detailed plan:

• Intro. Role of higher education. → Graduates are entitled to a higher salary. → My opinion.
• 1st body paragraph. Supporters claim graduates are equipped with all kinds of knowledge, cutting edge methods... → However, diploma doesn't qarantee that ... → Graduates have almost pure theoretical knowledge → Personal qualities.
• 2nd body paragraph. Difficiencies of education that pose problems for talented people. → 1st . A variaty of exams which have nothing to do with the future proffesion. → 2nd. Universities are aimed at average students.Tedious → 3rd. Fresh view on some problems. Professors don't agree.→ Tallented people falling through the cracks (conditional).
• Conclusion. No direct connection between ... → interviewing candidates to find out what they are worth.

Essay.
It is difficult to underestimate the role of tertiary education nowadays. Universities provide their students with deep theoretical knowledge in different subjects as well as a variety of cutting-edge methods to solve any possible problem they may encounter. Some people claim that university graduates are entitled to earn more money than people without university diplomas. However, I think that all epmloyees regardless of the education should have equal opportunities in terms of the amount of money they get.

Those who support the idea that university graduates should be better paid claim that universities provide their students with sufficient knowledge to deal with various problems they may face. However, university diploma does not guarantee that its owner will be able to fight those problems successfully. Indeed, modern graduates possess almost pure theoretical knowledge and applying it can be challenging for them. Finally, there are a number of things like attitude and personal qualities that are simply not tought in universities, although they might be critical for some jobs.

There are, however, even more serious difficiencies of a modern university education that pose difficulties for the most talented students. First of all, to enter a university people have to come through a great deal of exams, some of which have nothing to do with the actual profession they are going to study for. Another problem is that tertiary education is always aimed at average students, which means that it may be tedious for more talented ones. Finally, geniuses can have very fresh views on different problems, which ofter do not fit into current vision of the subect. All mentoned problems lead to talented people falling through the cracks of education system and dropping out from universities.

To sum up, there is no direct connection between higher education and being a good professional. In some cases people without diplomas can do a much better job than univesity gdaduates which in turn gives them a right to earn more money.

Thanks for checking. Goran.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Can someone check my next essay. This one is on graduates and salaries.

Topic: When the time comes to commence full-time employment, individuas who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

This is the last time I'm commenting on your essay, at least for a little while.

Generally, though there are some mistakes and typos, this is a pretty good essay. I guess you might get an 8 for it, though it won't be a solid 8. I mean, I hope it's an 8 but can't guarantee it.

You manage to get the intro and conclusion right this time (almost) and there're no problems with the task achievement. At the same time, I would've approached the second (or maybe the first) paragraph slightly differently. You're talking about gifted people who are not catered for by the system (BTW - look at my sentence and 'borrow' the way I worded the idea ). What about those who are trained on the job and got through the ranks just on the strength of their experience?

The last sentence of the conclusion needs more focus on the topic of the essay, which was not about a right to earn more money but about being on par with their counterparts who acquired higher degree.

However, sometimes there's a kind of discrepancy between the level of English from one sentence to another, and this is what makes me feel a bit apprehensive about you getting an 8.




I'll try to explain what I mean. Some examples to illustrate the point:

• You've used the word claim twice, and very close to each other. This is at odds with your good vocab. range and hence is quite noticeable.
• Universities provide their students (in para 1) and universities provide their students (in para 2)
• with deep theoretical knowledge and just a couple of sentences later with sufficient knowledge and then again - pure theoretical knowledge
• to solve any possible problem they may encounter in the opening paragraph and to deal with various problems they may face -

• critical vs crucial - very common mistake for all European languages. Just remember: 'very' and crucial don't collocate.
• diploma does not guarantee that its owner -> holder. You don't own a diploma or degree; you hold it. From the point of view of English, this is not a piece of paper, but almost a title.
• To sum up, there is no direct connection between higher education and being a good professional. - this is too strong! How about adding some modality? -> there is no proven connection ....
• better job than univesity gdaduates which in turn gives them a right to earn more money - you 'forgot' to put a comma before 'which'!

Some freebies for the topic as far as vocab. is concerned:
to command better salary
to attract better salary
the earnings <- in terms of the amount of money they get
the earning power
higher degree holders -< university graduates (repeated too many times)
real-life situations/problems
an unorthodox view/ approach -< very fresh views

Have a closer look at the use of the articles and try not to make spelling mistakes (mentioned, taught, etc)

As I said, that's it for a while. If you have time to spare, I'd suggest you read magazines and newspapers to 'pile up' useful collocations. The ones that are traditionally good for this purpose are The Economist, Scientific America and all Discovery Channel sites and publications.

[Goran Dražić]

Maimiti_Isabella, thank you. Great comment as usual

look at my sentence and 'borrow' the way I worded the idea

Yeah, I like the wording. The one I used is more informal I guess. I learnt it last year during the proficiency course and I thought it was a nice opportunity to use it.

you 'forgot' to put a comma before 'which'

I am not sure whether you are pulling my leg here or not(I mean the quotes). I know the rule about non-defining clauses and normally have no problems with punctuation in such sentences. Just failed this one

And thanks for the advice on what should I do to improve my writing. I guess I should mix writing essays with reading to move writing to the next level.