My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[треш]

у меня в FAQе написано:

That is, your answer will
express one of these attitudes:

a) I agree completely
b) I agree partly and disagree partly
c) I disagree completely.

Many students feel that they need to present a strong argument for or against an
idea or proposition. This is not true. Even if the words to what extent do not appear
in the question, it is always acceptable to agree or disagree partly with a proposition.

[Alexander Usov]

у меня в FAQе написано:

А откуда этот FAQ?

[Alexander Usov]

По поводу структуры моего эссе. Нашел в IELTS Now пример данной темы эссе на 9 балов написанный экзаменатором. Он рассматривает 2 точки.

It is true that children today spend far more time indoors than in previous generations. I would say that this has both a positive and negative side.

Children today seem to spend far too long inside with computer games, watching TV and videos. This is definitely bad in some ways because children should develop outdoor pursuits such as football, cricket and basketball that would make them healthy now and in their later lives. If they don“t learn to play sports when they“re young, it is unlikely that they will develop these healthy habits later in life and the results can be seen today in the higher levels of obesity and related illnesses such as diabetes. When I was young I had only sports to keep me occupied and I am grateful now that I still love and play the sports of my youth.

On the other hand the world today is dominated by computers and electronics so it“s important that children learn to like and understand computers and technology early in life. The older generation didn“t have the opportunity to have this electronic entertainment and so don“t understand the attraction.

In conclusion I would certainly agree that it is bad and unhealthy for children to spend all their time indoors with electronic entertainment. I don“t think all children are too dependent on electronic entertainment but too many definitely are. We cannot expect though that children will totally ignore today“s technologies and it is important that they grow up with awareness and understanding of these things that will dominate their later lives. I believe it is up to parents to guide and encourage a reasonable mixture of both indoor and outdoor pursuits.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Alexander Usov,
У меня нет проблем со структурой Вашего эссе, т.е. с моей точки зрения заключение вполне по теме.

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It
would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more
traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

[lx]

По поводу структуры моего эссе. Нашел в IELTS Now пример данной темы эссе на 9 балов написанный экзаменатором. Он рассматривает 2 точки.

Тёзка, я дважды написал: ИМХО. Спорить не собираюсь. Ведь это Ваш экзамен. Тем более, и Maimiti_Isabella пишет, что всё в порядке со структурой. Я ей больше, чем себе верю в вопросах структуры

[Alexander Usov]

Letter
You and your family are living in rented accommodation in an Ellglish speaking country. You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture.
Write a letter to the landlord. In your letter
• introduce yourself
• explain what is wrong with the furniture
• say what action you would like the landlord to take


Dear Sir/Madam,

I am Mr. John Smith. I am writing to draw your attention to the fact that furniture in our flat is in very poor state. My family has been renting this flat by the address Apple street b.6 app. 1 since the 15th of July 2009.

I do not believe that the quality of furniture can be so awful. First of all, fabric which covers two armchairs is very old-fashioned. In addition to mentioned above I would like to notice that there are some stains and even holes in fabric as well. Also you can imagine my disappointment when I discovered that paint became to come off the furniture about two weeks ago. As a result we don’t have any opportunity to invite our relatives and friends around for dinner because we feel shame at this situation.

The best solution would be for our family to replace old furniture such as two armchairs, four stools, the sofa and the dining table. Please contact me by the address above or by the phone number 8(111)333-222. I look forward to hearing from your as soon as possible.

Your faithfully,
John Smith

You are in the long business trip abroad. Write a letter to your friend who is a student in your native city in response to his letter.
- give your congratulations about his exams
- write some details of your living there

Dear John,

Hi! How are you? I hope everything is fine. I am so glad to hearing from you. Sorry I haven’t written for ages but I was extremely busy working here in England. Anyway, I thought I’d drop you a line.

First of all, I’ve heard that you pass your exams in the university. Congratulations! I have a lot of respect for you indeed.

As for me, I have really great time in London. Of cause, I spend most of my time at work but I have already made a lot of friends. It’s so amazing to share time together. For instance, two days ago we enjoyed visiting jazz club which is just next to my office. We had a lot of fun and great time.

Anyway, I must go and getting on with my work. Once again, thanks for your letter. Please write me again by the address above or give me a ring on 8(1111)111-111. I look forward to hearing from you.

With my best wishes for today and every day,
Alex.

[SergShir]

Требуется третейское мнение. Если кто ответит, конечно... В процессе взаимной подготовки, вот такая оценочка эссе вышла.

Some people prefer to work for a large company. Others prefer to work for a small company. Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.



Today, there is a permanent process of job changing across the world. Sometimes a person who thinks of the career should decide whether it is better to try to be promoted in a large company or to prefer a smaller one. Every approach has its advanteges (1) and disadvantages.
A lot of people find working in a bigger (2) company better for the career. To begin with, such companies have great developed structures of departments. A certain person often can choose between some opportunities (3) to be promotes and, as a result, working in such companies leads to better career.
Additionally, while working in a large company people can develop (4) personally. For example, many companies offer (5) corporative courses, seminars, sports facilities and medical insurance. Sometimes people can move to another city and it is not necessary to hand in their notice, they just can shift to another branch of the company.
However, many people prefer working in smaller companies. They argue that their companies have rather small departments and closer relationships between collegues (6) (7). Consequently (, people are offered higher starting salaries and they have better opportunitites (9) (10) for the career in the company as well. For instance, it takes shorter (11) time to be promoted from a simple (12)clerk to a chief (13) of the department in smaller company. However, people cannot improve themeselves(14) because working in smaller companies is usually simplier(5) .
To conclude, I would say that a probable choice in the way of the career is very personal. It depends on wishes of a person, but I would prefer working in a large company because of undeniable benefits

- "Sometimes a person who thinks of the career should decide whether it is better to try to be promoted in a large company or to prefer a smaller one" - очень велика вероятность что они так не говорят. И второе: не очень очевиден смысл предложения, выбор какой-то странный "быть продвинутым по службе в большой компании или предпочесть меньшую компанию". Улавливаешь? Нужно чтобы варианты были равновесными, добавить что-то в часть про меньшую компанию, например слово "преимущества".
1. Advanteges - опечатка. advantages
2 - in a bigger company - по моему превосходная степень здесь лишняя
3 - не очень к месту, но чем заменить так и не придумал, поэтому я бы вовсе перефразировал.
4 - тогда уж can be developed
Или варианты со словом evolve
evolve the powers of mind - развивать умственные способности
evolve new talents - выявлять новые таланты
5 - лучше со словом provide. Offer - как то меняет смысл, что-то типа предлагают тебе пойти на курсы, застраховаться+
6. Collegues - опечатка. colleagues
7. they argue that their companies have rather small departments and closer relationships between colleagues Может его переделать в причинно-следственное? Т.е. "Так как наш коллектив небольшой и тесный, отношения в коллективе "теплые" и доверительные". И понятнее будет и обогатишь структуры.
8. Не вижу логики. Высокие стартовые зарплаты - это следствие хороших отношений в коллективе? Во первых это спорно, во вторых, как они влияют на з\п, если человек только пришел (ты ведешь речь про стартовую з\п)? Как минимум linking word не к месту (Consequently).
9. better for the career в больших (в предыдушем абзаце), при этом better opportunitites в малых. Аргументация немного страдает, убери в одном из случаев, либо замени слово opportunitites.
10. Opportunitites - опечатка. opportunities
11 лучше less. Почитай про употребление превосходных степеней, часто употребляешь в весьма спорных ситуациях.
12. лучше ordinary
13. не очень часто употребляемое слово в бизнес практике, лучше head, manager, director
14. themeselves - опечатка. themselves
15. simplier - опечатка. simpler. Мысль не очень однозначная, и мне кажется не очень удачное грамматическое/лексическое применение


Теперь кратенько по частям:
1. Fulfilment
Вот с этим проблемы. Причем самые большие. Вопрос был . Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples. Т.е. то, что у каждого варианта есть свои плюсы и минусы, это здесь аксиома, которая не требует доказательства. А ты именно это и делаешь, т.е. приводишь аргументацию, причем общепринятую, то есть даже не свою. Чествуешь разницу между общепринятым мнением, и твоим мнением? Они ведь могут отличаться. Но суть не в этом. Ты все эссе доказываешь, что "Some people prefer to work for a large company. Others prefer to work for a small company". А ведь это не ставилось под сомнение, и никто не просил это доказать.
Более того, твоего мнения нет ВООБЩЕ. Т.е. в opinion essay ты не привел ни одной своей точки зрения. I think, I consider, I believe, It seems to me, in my opinion - ХДЕ???
И только в последней строчке "I would prefer"

Бал - 5. Хотя есть и такие мнения: Но если у Вас много отступлений от темы, то самое большее, что Вы можете получать - это band 4 за task achievement. Если тема раскрыта, но зачем-то написали кое-что не по теме - то band 6 максимум. А если в теме нужно было согласиться или не согласиться, а Вы написали сочинение как advantages и disadvantages, а своего мнения так и не высказали, то за task achievement Вам поставят только band 2 (didn't express an opinion). Так что читай вопрос внимательно.

2. Clearance
Все очень логично и последовательно. Правда есть и противоречия в параграфах, но они скорее вызваны лексической недоработкой и не правильным применением структур.
Бал 6.5

3.4.Vocabulary and Grammar
Лексика и грамматика у тебя традиционно высокая, хотя в этот раз ты сделал больше ошибок, чем раньше.
Бал 6.5

Итого, 6.0 только потому, что ты сильно ушел от задания. В общем и целом, эссе очень неплохо написано, примеры, лексика, сlarity of message - все на уровне семи балов (если откинуть опечатки).



Мой вопрос. В этом эссе применен подход, когда даны описания мнение людей по поводу темы, а в выводе свое мнение. Как вы считаете, насколько сильный уход от темы здесь? Или ухода нет.

[Алмазная]

Привет! Посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Тема - Эксперименты на животных.
Сдаю Academic 10.04.10.

Nowadays, people of the contemporary society realize that they live in the era of modern technology and scientific progress. Thanks to them now we are not afraid of the majority of diseases and adaptation to conditions that differ from those which we are used to. In case of illness modern people usually just have to take some appropriate medicine and in a period of time they will feel healthy and bright again. Due to the scientific research which often discovers new and more effective cures for diseases with neckbreaking speed, contemporary people are much healthier and their life span is much longer in comparison with even half a century ago.
Obviously, in order to achieve their aims, researchers often need experimentation on animals. Lot of people all over the globe and various animals protection institutions argue that experimentation should be stopped and scientists have to find another way of proving the results of their research.
Unfortunately, nowadays experiments on animals are usually inevitable and compulsory part of medical research. People suffer and die of cancer and other terrible diseases everyday, and doctors cannot help them. Hence if there is no other way for scientists to find new cures for people, I believe, experiments on animals can be justified.
Hopefully, scientists will provide their research with proof of their theories, and no living-being will be sacrificed for humans as intelligent creatures of nature should be responsible not only for themselves, but also for those who need to be protected and given care.
На какую оценку потянет?

[треш]

А откуда этот FAQ?

книжка Gabi Duigu, экзаменатора IELTS с 20летним опытом

"Essay Writing For English Tests, preparing for IELTS academic writing task 2"

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Привет! Посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое эссе. Тема - Эксперименты на животных.
Сдаю Academic 10.04.10.

Срочно возьмите преподавателя IELTS (а не преподавателя английского языка!), кот. показал бы Вам как писать эссе. У Вас совершенно нет времени на подготовку.

Эссе писать Вы не умеете. Эссе, простите, нет Ни по структуре, ни по смыслу.
И английский язык, каким бы хорошим он не был, не имеет к этому никакого отношения.

Sorry and g'luck

[Алмазная]

Срочно возьмите преподавателя IELTS (а не преподавателя английского языка!), кот. показал бы Вам как писать эссе. У Вас совершенно нет времени на подготовку.

Эссе писать Вы не умеете. Эссе, простите, нет Ни по структуре, ни по смыслу.
И английский язык, каким бы хорошим он не был, не имеет к этому никакого отношения.

Sorry and g'luck

охх... преподавателя IELTS мне взять негде((( как Вы считаете, используя рекомендации с форума, я смогу из этого сделать нормальное эссе, удовлетворяющее требованиям экзамена?
преподаватель у меня, действительно, просто по англискому...
спасибо..

[Maimiti_Isabella]

охх... преподавателя IELTS мне взять негде((( как Вы считаете, используя рекомендации с форума, я смогу из этого сделать нормальное эссе, удовлетворяющее требованиям экзамена?
преподаватель у меня, действительно, просто по англискому...
спасибо..

Когда?
До сдачи экзамена осталось 5 дней.

Если Вам нужна 7 или выше, то просто рекомендации с этого сайта не помогут - надо чтобы кто-то проверял Ваши эссе в, так сказать, real time. Но сначала надо об'яснять как эссе пишутся, опять же в real time.

Хотя бы на официальном сайте IELTS посмотрите примеры приличных эссе и разберите их 'по косточкам' - introduction, body, conclusion. And how they answer the essay question.

Вы слишком поздно 'очнулись'.

[Алмазная]

Когда?
До сдачи экзамена осталось 5 дней.

Если Вам нужна 7 или выше, то просто рекомендации с этого сайта не помогут - надо чтобы кто-то проверял Ваши эссе в, так сказать, real time. Но сначала надо об'яснять как эссе пишутся, опять же в real time.

Хотя бы на официальном сайте IELTS посмотрите примеры приличных эссе и разберите их 'по косточкам' - introduction, body, conclusion. And how they answer the essay question.

Вы слишком поздно 'очнулись'.

Мне нужна 6.5. Я в курсе, сколько до экзамена осталось.
За рекомендации спасибо.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

За рекомендации спасибо.

G'luck

[sergey_taurus]

Всем привет.
Пожалуйста, покритикуйте\похвалите письма.
Главный вопрос: стоит ли дальше на них (на письмах вообще) задерживаться или переключиться целиком и полностью на эссе, т.к. времени осталось очень немного.
Заранее огромное спасибо.

The topic is from Cambridge 7

You have recently started work in a new company.

Write a letter to an English-speaking friend. In your letter:
- explain why you changed jobs;
- describe your new job;
- tell him/her you other news;


Dear Mark,

Haven't heard anything from you since our last school reunion.
How are the things going with your university studies?

I have some exciting news to share with you: I've started to work for McGregors' company last week. As you may remember, I've been dreaming about this position for years. My last workplace was quite nice but I felt that I should move on and try to express myself in sales as well.

By this moment, I've been working for my new place for almost a week and I have to say that it was definitely worth struggling for! My office is in CBD location just few steps from a train station and has an incredible window view on Central Park. At current position I am in charge of organizing meetings with potential customers and my boss says that I might get a promotion in next few months.

By the way, remember Tony DeMarco from high school? Well, he and Jane Harrison are getting married in next month. So, I am sure that you will get a call or card from them very soon.

Take care. Waiting for your reply.

Best regards,
John Smith


(195 words, 20 minutes)

The topic is from Cambridge 6

You and your family are living in rented accommodation in an English-speaking country.
You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture.

Write a letter to the landlord. In your letter:

- introduce yourself;
- explain what is wrong with the furniture;
- say what action you would like the landlord to take;


Dear Mr. Jones,

I am your current tenant and I've been renting the house at 23 Park Road, Newcastle for 2 months now.

I am writing to express my concern about the condition of some furniture items in the house. To be more specific, 2 of 5 kitchen cabinets are loosely fixed and my wife is afraid that they might fall off from the wall any minute. In addition, the couch in the living room has a strange smell.

I would like you to arrange somebody to fix kitchen cabinets so they will be safe to use. Also, I would like to draw you attention to the couch and possibly ask you to replace it with another one with no charge. Well, obviously, cabinets' issue is quite urgent, so, I would like it to be fixed as fast as possible. I have a full time job, however, as long as you have your own key you can visit the house any time without any warning in advance.

Looking for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,
John Smith


(175 words, 20 minutes)