My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[wazeba]

прошу знатоков глянуть на мое эссе и высказать свою оценку

Буду благодарна за корректировки и замечания. И кроме того хотелось бы понять на какой уровень балов это тянет. Спасибо

Ecological balance is impossible to achieve when technological progress constantly ruins our environment.
Do you agree?

Currently the human race has started to face the consequences of the technical progress that was developing rapidly for the last two centuries. Humankind was so carried away with the benefits of technological advances that didn’t pay attention to the environment.

Our philosophy and speed of life force us to get more profit from nature quickly. This unwise policy of using natural resources gives raise to their depletion. Many of the oil, coal and natural gas fields are almost exhausted now. Many countries are trying to build their national wealth by expanding different industries. Most of the time they sacrifice nature for progress.Waste products pollute the land, rivers and air.

Dramatic growth of human population increases needs for resources. People need more food, water, machines and places to live. Intensive farming exhausts the soil. Trying to get more land for farming people destroy forests. In order to protect crops and to increase the productivity farmers use pesticides and herbicides, which have a bad effect on natural balance. People have to build more factories to produce more goods to satisfy growing needs. Most of these factories are not nature friendly. Big cities all over the world are overcrowded. The air in the most of them is polluted with car exhaust fumes.

In summery, it’s obvious that we cannot continue our technological progress the way we did it before. It would be as stupid as sawing off the brough on which we are sitting. We need to find the way to use more eco-friendly technologies and use the natural resourses more carefully.

[tomm]

Добрый день всем!
Посмотрите, пожалуйста, может ли эссе такого рода претендовать на оценку в районе 6?
Заранее благодарю!

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Throughout this century the role of computers and electronic technologies has increased. So much so that children today spend much more time with electronic entertainments indoors than walking and playing outside with their friends. Such state of things affects the development of a new generation in a wrong way.

First of all, the lack of physical activity harmfully influence on health of a nation. For instance, sitting much time in front of TV screen or a monitor can cause visual impairment, incorrect posture and general organism weakening. As an illustration, the statistics show that young people grown in big cities more unhealthy and have more chronic diseases than their peers from countryside where people pass considerably more time outdoors. Therefore playing football and basketball, cycling and even just walking on a fresh air are very beneficial for children.

In the second place, addiction to television and computer games may lead to shortage of communication practice and interpersonal skills that are necessary for public recognition. For example, with computer games child gets into virtual reality which is more pleasant than real surrounding world as a result, child rejects real life more and more. Thus, to become full-fledged member of society it is very important to acquire intercourse ability from early childhood.

Taking all these points into consideration, it is obvious that alfresco activities and contacts with peers much more useful for children than watching TV and playing electronic games all their time. Thereby, parents have to guide and encourage reasonable mixture of all types of pursuits.

[Grifffin]

Что значит "Идеи слишком категоричные и зачастую нелогичные. " поясните, если это мои идеи и я так думаю, как они могут быть неправильными? это мое мнение.?

Например следующая идея:

For example, technical subjects demand using physical power and so it’s a male profession.

Эта идея (так как вы ее выразили) звучит нелогично. Технические предметы могут вызывать сложности у гуманитариев и большинства женщин но причем тут физические усилия? Т.е. идея высказанная вами как-минимум звучит глупо. Поэтому она нелогичная.

On the other hand, there are works that could be carried out by only female, for example medical care or teaching.

Эта идея сильно категоричная. Правда если заменить на более мягкое типа "Женщинам эти работы даются намного легче из-за природной склонности к заботе и воспитанию" то бутет нормально. Но не нужно "только женщины могут справится с этим". Дескриминация получается

Насчет синонимов - проблема только в teem-command? или есть еще какие-то ошибки?

entering requirements = initial requirements
reflects on = influence
introduce = offer

и на какую оценку понянет мое эссе? надо 7, сдаю летом.

На 5.5 примерно (правда за отсутствие заключения могут снизить бал). Получается что эссе не закончено.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Буду благодарна за корректировки и замечания. И кроме того хотелось бы понять на какой уровень балов это тянет. Спасибо

Ecological balance is impossible to achieve when technological progress constantly ruins our environment.
Do you agree?

Currently the human race has started to face the consequences of the technical progress that was developing rapidly for the last two centuries. Humankind was so carried away with the benefits of technological advances that didn’t pay attention to the environment.

Our philosophy and speed of life force us to get more profit from nature quickly. This unwise policy of using natural resources gives raise to their depletion. Many of the oil, coal and natural gas fields are almost exhausted now. Many countries are trying to build their national wealth by expanding different industries. Most of the time they sacrifice nature for progress.Waste products pollute the land, rivers and air.

Dramatic growth of human population increases needs for resources. People need more food, water, machines and places to live. Intensive farming exhausts the soil. Trying to get more land for farming people destroy forests. In order to protect crops and to increase the productivity farmers use pesticides and herbicides, which have a bad effect on natural balance. People have to build more factories to produce more goods to satisfy growing needs. Most of these factories are not nature friendly. Big cities all over the world are overcrowded. The air in the most of them is polluted with car exhaust fumes.

In summery, it’s obvious that we cannot continue our technological progress the way we did it before. It would be as stupid as sawing off the brough on which we are sitting. We need to find the way to use more eco-friendly technologies and use the natural resourses more carefully.

Очень интересный вариант... Комментировать очень сложно.

С одной стороны
1. Грамматических ошибок совсем немного.
2. Нет и ошибок с точки зрения построения предложений.
3. Хороший словарный запас (at times over the top, for my liking).
4. Эссе построено довольно грамотно и логично.

С другой стороны
1. Я не всегда согласна с выбором грамматических форм глагола (но это - единичные случаи)
2. Предложения настолько basic, that the essay is quite boring to read.
Вы не продемонстривовали умение употреблять различные sentence structure. В результате такое ощущение, что все предложения - близнецы-братья.
3. Совершенно нет никакой модальности (речь идет не только о модальных глаголах)
4. Нет сложноподчиненных преложений ни в каком виде
5. Нет связок между предложениями, а так как предложения слишком простые и короткие, то это особенно необходимо.

Общее впечатление - эссе не академическое, слишком простое и более похоже на публицистику. С оценкой затрудняюсь, но не думаю что больше 6.5. НО! при таком уровне английского, какой просматривается у Вас, можно получить гораздо больше, если учтете мои замечания.

Если будут вопросы - задавайте. Либо сюда, либо в личку.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день всем!
Посмотрите, пожалуйста, может ли эссе такого рода претендовать на оценку в районе 6?.

Наверное, в принципе может, но уж слишком много штампов. Кроме того, есть и серьезные ошибки, как, например, пропуск глаголов. Есть еще и другие ошибки.

Throughout this century the role of computers and electronic technologies has increased..

Т.е. уже можно делать выводы о всем столетии, когда прошло только 10 лет? И уже increased?

[tomm]

Наверное, в принципе может, но уж слишком много штампов. Кроме того, есть и серьезные ошибки, как, например, пропуск глаголов. Есть еще и другие ошибки.


Т.е. уже можно делать выводы о всем столетии, когда прошло только 10 лет? И уже increased?

Спасибо большое за рецензию!
На счет штампов понятно. Будем стараться думать своими словами

На счет серьезных ошибок, если есть время и желание, укажите конкретнее - хотелось бы поискать пути их исправления.

Спасибо зарнее!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо большое за рецензию!
На счет штампов понятно. Будем стараться думать своими словами

На счет серьезных ошибок, если есть время и желание, укажите конкретнее - хотелось бы поискать пути их исправления.

Спасибо зарнее!

OK Возьмем только одно предложение:

As an illustration, the statistics show that young people grown in big cities more unhealthy and have more chronic diseases than their peers from countryside where people pass considerably more time outdoors.

1. As an illustration -> to illustrate
2. the statistics - which one? Наличие определенного артикля указывает на определенные статистические данные. Здесь артиль вообще не нужен
3. statistics show -> shows
4. grown -> grown up (их никто не выращивает, они сами растут )
5. young people grown in big cities more unhealthy -> are more ... (пропущен глагол)
6. pass considerably more time - pass не подходит по значению -> spend

[tomm]

OK Возьмем только одно предложение:

Отлично!
Спасибо!
Продолжу работу

[dental]

На курсах подготовки IELTS нам предлагали писать примерно по такой схеме:
-вступление-перефразировка темы+собственное мнение
или в виде истории из собственной жизни на заданную тему
если просят выбрать-согласны Вы с каким-либо утверждением или
нет- надо четко выбрать свою точку зрения и далее аргументирова
ть
если просят достоинства и недостатки чего-либо- надо перечис
лить во вступлении и потом аргументировать
-далее-каждый абзац- это аргументы в развернутом виде,каждый абзац-
законченная мысль,абзацев должно быть как минимум-три
-заключение-тоже должно быть четким,по теме и выражать собственное Ваше мнение, зачастую- тоже перефразировка заданной темы.
Не знаю,понятно-ли я излагаю,но для себя я сделала вывод,что от наших сочинений в школе это отличается большей структурированностью,аргументы и факты должны быть более определенные и четко сформулированные(что,где,когда+свое мнение на этот счет)и схема-вступление,аргументы,заключение-обязательна,никаких расплывчатых умозаключений.

[sergey_taurus]

Привет покорителям вершины и уже матерым профессионалам

Очередной "блин". Пожалуйста, поругайте-оцените. Заранее большое спасибо.

Topic is from New Insight into IELTS:

Young people today are better qualified than they were in the past. Some people argue that this is because competition for jobs is greater that it used to be. Others say that people only continue their education because the opportunities exist for them to do so.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge
or experience.


The overall quality of well educated professionals has been significantly increased in the past few decades. Most of young graduates choose to study for extra courses in addition to general ones. It is believed by many that this fact is caused by increased competition in employment industry, while others think that the education today is more affordable which results a higher level of qualification. This essay will analyze both sides of this effect.

Due to availability of broad range of colleges, universities as well as postgraduate courses, education today is available for almost everyone. Recent statistical researches have shown that even with increased tuition costs, education industry has been experiencing consistent grow at 10% each year. Since students have an access to various grants, loans and international programs, it is understandable why many people link this fact as one of the main contributors of increased qualification level.

In addition, modern employment standards force young professionals take a Bachelor or even Master degree to have a better chance on today’s' job market. As an example, from two recent graduates the one who has a better specialization in required area will be chosen. However, mature professionals state that just few decades ago conditions were not as tough as today. Thus, it is might be the reason why many students have to improve their skills according to competitive circumstances.

In conclusion, nowadays people are more qualified than they used to be. This can be linked with an increased availability of education or challenging job market requirements. Despite the fact that the education today is more affordable, I personally believe that the competition for employment is the real reason and it is expected to increase in near future.



50 min, 270 words

[Lavrentiy]

Привет покорителям вершины и уже матерым профессионалам

Очередной "блин". Пожалуйста, поругайте-оцените. Заранее большое спасибо.

Topic is from New Insight into IELTS:

Young people today are better qualified than they were in the past. Some people argue that this is because competition for jobs is greater (1) that it used to be. Others say that people only continue their education because the opportunities exist for them to do so.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge
or experience.


The overall quality of well educated professionals has been significantly increased in the past few decades. Most of young graduates choose (2) to study for extra courses in addition to general ones. It is believed by many that this fact is caused by increased (3) competition in employment industry, while others think that (4) the education today is more affordable which (5) results a higher level of qualification. This essay will analyze both sides of this effect.

Due to (6) availability of (7) broad range of colleges, universities as well as postgraduate courses, education today is available for almost everyone. Recent statistical researches have shown that even with increased tuition costs, education ( industry has been experiencing consistent grow at 10% each year. Since students have (9) an access to various grants, loans and international programs, it is understandable why many people (10) link this fact as one of the main contributors (11) of (12) increased qualification level.

In addition, modern employment standards force young professionals (13) take a (14) Bachelor or even Master degree to have a better chance (15) on today’s' job market. As an example, (16) from (17) two recent graduates the one who has (1 a better specialization in (19) required area will be chosen. However, mature professionals state that just (20) few decades ago conditions were not as tough as today. Thus, (21) it is might be the reason why many students have to improve their skills (22) according to competitive circumstances.

In conclusion, nowadays people are more qualified than they used to be. This can be linked with an increased availability of education or challenging job market requirements. Despite the fact that the education today is more affordable, I personally believe that (23) the competition for employment is the real (24) reason and it is expected to increase in near future.

(1) than
(2) to take on extra courses – luchshe?
(3) competition for employment – luchshe? “industry” – ne nado
(4) the – ne nado
(5) results IN …
(6) the
(7) a
( is education an industry? It’s a fountain of knowledge for thirsty minds…
(9) an – ne nado
(10) see this fact – luchshe?
(11) to
(12) “increased qualification level” – korjavo kak-to. Sovetuju perepisat’.
(13) to take
(14) bachelor’s degree / master’s degree (mozhno prosto “master’s”)
(15) in today’s market? – luchshe? On the market – o tovarah, chto prodajutsja, ne o ljudjax.
(16) of – luchshe, chem ‘from’?
(17) zdes’ nuzhno “the” iz-za slova “recent”, kotoroe opredelitel’, a takzhe kontexta. No ne budu sporit’. “of the two recent graduates…”
(1 better qualifications – more natural?
(19) nuzhet artikl.
(20) a
(21) this/that might be… “is” ne nado.
(22) “according to” – zdes’ korjavo. “in keeping with competitive circumstances”?
(23) the – ne nado
(24) reason for what?

Ne ploho, sovsem ne ploho.

[sergey_taurus]

Lavrentiy, thanks for corrections. You've been very helpful, as usual
If you don't mind, I have a few clarification questions:

Re:
( Would you suggest other expression to describe this idea? I just know a "film industry" expression and thought that "education industry" might be also formed this way.
(12) "one of the main contributors to qualification level increase" - Does this look ok?
(20) "a few <smth plural>" - Is it a some stable form or smth? Why using "a" is mandatory?
(22) "to keep up with competitive circumstances" - Better?
(24) Got it: unfinished thought. "I personally believe that competition for employment is the real reason of better qualifications among youth and it is expected to increase in near future." - How about this rephrase?

Thanks.

[natalya_ielts]

очень буду благодарна, если проверите мое очередное творение

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Governments of all countries either wealthy or poor should guarantee a high standard of citizens’ living. Officials get a salary paid from the state budget that is formed by collecting a part of taxpayers’ income. They provide public services such as security, education, medical care and various financial aids. But there are countries which have governments not to be able to assure the sufficient level of these public services. In this case, citizens of such countries would suffer and their life quality would fall.

On the one hand, all countries have a different level of GDP and abilities of budget spending. Therefore, it is obvious that wealthier nations need to give some help to poorer ones. Nowadays, there are many programs provided by wealthy countries to support poor nations. They include direct financial aid to provide food, clothes and other basic needs. Moreover, there are different international organizations which are shared by largest nations, for example the United Nations organization. They carry out a wide range of program to raise a standard of living in countries which have poor economy.

On the other hand, citizens of any counties should be token care of by their governments. If the average level of wages and salaries is too low to provide a high-standard of living, governments should look for any methods to help their citizens. For example, governors can reduce budget spending by cutting their maintenance costs.

To sum up both views, I think that all governments should help their citizens by every possible means. But if capabilities of certain country are not enough, it needs to be supported by wealthy countries.

270 words.

[sergey_taurus]

natalya_ielts, я тут тоже только учусь, так что мои советы имеют весьма скромный вес. Позволю себе одно замечание: если тема приведена верно, то на мой взгляд она подразумевает Argument\Opinion эссе, у вас получилось Discussion. Если я не прав - поправьте меня.

[kwai]

Спасибо gas, сегодня я поняла что моя главная проблема каша в голове. я никак не могу сперва найти идеи, потом увязать их логически... даже не знаю как в субботу буду сдавать. а ведь три года назад как то умудрилась сдать на 6.5

а пока проверьте это эссе, пожалуйста. хотя бы с точки зрения грамотности)...

The best way to reduce the number of trafic accidents is to raise age limit for the younder drivers and lower age limit for aged ones. Do you agree?


Some people think that the ideal solution for the problem of car accidents would be restriction of the drivers’ age. Their argument may be that the risk to become a victim or a person responsible for crash is rather high among people from teen and elderly age groups. However, this issue is quite controversial.

Firstly, we must acknowledge that young drivers indeed refer to the group of risk owing to the lack of experience. The often underestimate dangerous situation on the road. Nevertheless, the raised age limit for driving license disallows young people to get enough practice and confidence, which make this step useless. Otherwise, this problem can be solved by learner’s permit which allows beginners to get initial experience under low-risk conditions, I mean they may drive with an adult who has full license.

Secondly, it may be true that driving skills of senior drivers decline with age but just like other age groups, driving skills vary from one elderly person to another. Take my grandfather, for instance, he is a very skillful driver despite the fact that he is almost eighty. It is obvious when looking at this example that punishing most older drivers for problems caused by only a few drivers is just unfair.

Moreover, age should not be considered as the main criterion of driving skills. The statistics portray the main person responsible for motor- vehicle crash as middle age man. This information refutes completely the statement that it is elderly and teen drivers who critically affect the amount of accidents.

To sum up, I beleive that the limitation by age is unacceptable measure and there are other ways to reduce the number of traffic accidents.