My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Миндаль]

Буду очень благодарен за оценку моего эссе. Спасибо.
1. тема из учебника.
2. экзамен через неделю, на что тяну?

In many counties schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?


A question how to hearten students to devote their time, energy and actions to studying instead of demonstrating objectionable conduct is a frequent topic of discussion in educational authority circles. A great number of schools throughout the world undergoes the negative student behaivour and attitude.

The most significant reason for such situation is that students feel lack of any interest in studying and perceive leaning as a complete useless occupation. Indeed, many subjects are taught now likewise it has been done the last centuries. For instance, studying history or physics without visual presentation seems to many teenagers boring. Moreover, it is not a secret that a teacher work and role in a school are undervalued, consequently, the students treat the teachers without a desirable respect.

Many governments and ordinary citizens are worried about mitigating the student conduct in the schools. In my opinion, some steps could be undertaken for improving the situation. To begin with, a student should have a chance to choose the subjects he or she has an aptitude for. Although, it is up to parents and teachers to explain the teenagers an importance of a concrete course for their subsequent career. Secondly, schools should use the computers, Internet and other technical up-to- date devices to educate the students. Perhaps, it will embolden the students to study insomuch as they may display their skills and experience in the technological field. Besides, without enhancing the teacher work prestige the student behaviour will change scarcely.

To sum up, I agree that the problem of juvenile conduct in schools has existed at all times. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that our joint efforts will be successful in future encouraging the students to study instead of conflicting.

Скажу сразу, что IELTS еще ни разу не сдавала, только готовлюсь, поэтому всё, что будет сказано - только моё ИМХО, не подтвержденное опытом.

Первое. Как мне показалось, эссе перегружено лексикой. Частенько используются слова и выражения, которые в нормальной жизни почти никогда не используются. Часто используемое Вами слово conduct в мою бытность учащейся high school в Штатах (а поведение подростков там обсуждалось постоянно), я вообще не слышала. Attitude, behaviour, manner - это да, как раз про подростков.
В остальном, постороение фраз качественное, как мне кажется, тема раскрыта неплохо, хотя можно было бы добавить причин. Ну там, дурное влияние ТВ - популяризация не учебы, а поп-певцов недоучек, ну и подобное.
Критериии оценок я не знаю, но в целом мне понравилось.
Желаю удачи.

[Favorite]

Миндаль, спасибо большое за комментарий.
1. Страдаю многословием, т.е. отсутствием concise, поэтому две причины и так пришлось удалить из-за слишком большого размера эссе, и не знаю, как исправиться.
2. Вопрос ко всем: какие все же слова использовать: заумные или обиходные в эссе? Наример, mitigate (Balamut, у вас содрал) или reduce?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Сообщение от Agathis
Maimiti_Isabella, can you kindly suggest some materials on punctuation that you consider as good. I really have a big problem with this.

Во-первых, Вам надо посмотреть самой (в интернете полно!) commas in relative clauses and commas in conditional sentences. Первое - ам. или британcкий - значения не имеет. Второе - британский гораздо более flexible. ваши ошибки именно на relative clauses.

Общее правило такое: в английском языке запятые разделяют, в то время как в европейский языках они соединяют. Т.е. нельзя поставить запятую между двумя предложениями, если нет соединительных слов.

Чуть попозже я посмотрю свои 'запасы' и дам ссылку на основные правила пунктуации (не только запятые). Или даже выложу файл в виде картики.

http://esl.about.com/od/englishgrammar/a/a_punctuation.htm - quite a good source of info on Punctuation

[kwai]

проверьте, пожалуйста. для меня эссе это что-то ужасающее. начинаю тренироваться.

As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of industrial wellbeing.
What factors contribute to job satisfaction?
How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It may indeed be true to say that people satisfied with their work are the essential condition of industrial prosperity, what, however, are the factors influenced on a job satisfaction?

The first and the most important factor, in my opinion, is the right choice of the profession. We make this choice in the early beginning of our mature life and it determines our future. Sometimes this decision is not completely conscious. From my own experience, I spent five years studying economics but at the end of the course I understood that this profession would never appropriate me. The solution for this problem might be vocational guidance, which can assist students to choose speciality that can bring into use all their aptitudes and faculties.

Then, even if a proper job is selected there are other factors which affect the psychological comfort of a man. Unfortunately, in modern industrial world most managers consider that only basic working conditions such as safety of labour and adequate compensation must be fulfi, while psychological aspects of professional success are often underestimated. But people feel necessity to self-esteem, they need to get acknowledgement of their job importance. On contrary, if worker would find out that results of his work does not evaluate the whole process and his achievements are ignored by management or colleges it unlikely could make him feel happy and enthusiastic. Consequently, it leads to decrease in production efficiency.

On balance, it is my own personal view that job satisfaction for all workers hardly can be reached today, but it might be possible in society where any kind of labour is respected and where people can consciously choose best suited and desirable job.

[Agathis]

Maimiti_Isabella, thanks a lot . I'll try to make the punctuation better in the next essay

[taha]

Please check and correct!!!

Compare the advantages and disadvantages of three of the following as media for communicating information. State which you consider to be the most effective.
• Comics
• Books
• Radio
• Television
• Film
• Theatre


There is no doubt that media plays a crucial role in our society, because people communicate through media. There are many types of media, such as books, radio, television, film. Everything has two sides, so media is not an exception. Each type of media has advantages and disadvantages. In the following paragraphs I will analyse three of them, namely book, TV, radio.

Firstly, books have always been an important source of knowledge. People gets a lot of information and gain knowledge from books. Some people believe, that reading will increase one’s knowledge of the world and bring success. So they take books on holiday or business trip. Furthermore books do not take up too much space in the luggage. Also, it is a easy to use and does not require technology. In addition, books are cheaper than other types of media.
However, nowadays books have lost their popularity among young people , who prefer to work or read using the computer or the Internet.

Secondly, now most of people use television, as media for communicating information, because it is easy and convenient way to obtain information. There are many educational and intellectual programme, especially good for children. For example, I remember my little brother could not speak Russian, because he was not taught it. But one day he started speaking Russian language. My brother said he learned Russian through TV.
Nevertheless, some people think that television is unhealthy type of media, because people watch TV while having dinner. As a result, many people suffers from obesity.

Some people believe that the radio is the most effective type of media, because people can listen to the radio, when they are doing something or doing exercise. However, according to last statistics listening to the radio is a very dangerous activity, because most of people use the radio, when they are driving.

Finally, it is difficult to decide, which types of media is the most effective, I think for me it is books. People can make their own choice to communicate with the world.

[Grifffin]

Please check and correct!!!

Compare the advantages and disadvantages of three of the following as media for communicating information. State which you consider to be the most effective.
• Comics
• Books
• Radio
• Television
• Film
• Theatre


There is no doubt that media plays a crucial role in our society. There are different sorts of information such as books, films, radio and TV programms. Everything in our world has two sides, so media is not an exception. Each type of mass media has advantages and disadvantages. In the following paragraphs I will analyse three of them, namely book, TV, radio.

Firstly, books have always been an important source of knowledge. People get a lot of information and gain knowledge from books. Some people believe that reading allow to increase knowledge of the world and it help them achieve success . That is why they take books on holiday or business trip. Furthermore, books do not take up too much space in the luggage. Also, books are “easy in use” devices and you do not need modern technologies to use them.

In addition, books are cheaper than other types of media.
However, nowadays books have lost their popularity, especially among young people. They prefer to work or read by using computer or the Internet.

Secondly, now most of people prefer to use television as an easiest and convenient way to obtain information. There are plenty of educational and intellectual programmes. Some of them are very useful for children as a sort of education . For example, my little brother could not speak Russian but suddenly he start to use it. He said he learned Russian through TV.

Nevertheless, some people think that television is unhealthy type of media, because some people watch TV while having dinner. As a result, many people suffer from obesity.

Some people believe that the radio is the most effective type of media, because people can listen it whenever they want. They are able to combine listening with physical exercises and housework. However, according to last statistics investigations listen to the radio is a very dangerous activity, because most of people use the radio, when they are driving.

Finally, it is difficult to decide which type of media is the most effective. I think books are more helpful source of information. They are convenient and not expensive. Anyway I believe that any type of mass media can be useful and people are able to choose the most effective source of information.
__________________

И еще я не понял как у вас люди «общаются» с помощью средств информации (это я про communicate). Они только получают ее и все.

Аргументы могут быть и примитивными но более-менее правдоподобными. (Например вред телевидения из-за того что люди едят или опасность радио в машине – уже перебор )

PS: Могут быть ошибки (в моих исправлениях).

[gas]

проверьте, пожалуйста. для меня эссе это что-то ужасающее. начинаю тренироваться.

As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of industrial wellbeing.
What factors contribute to job satisfaction?
How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It may indeed be true to say that people satisfied with their work are the essential condition of industrial prosperity, what, however, are the factors influenced on a job satisfaction?

The first and the most important factor, in my opinion, is the right choice of the profession. We make this choice in the early beginning of our mature life and it determines our future. Sometimes this decision is not completely conscious. From my own experience, I spent five years studying economics but at the end of the course I understood that this profession would never appropriate me. The solution for this problem might be vocational guidance, which can assist students to choose speciality that can bring into use all their aptitudes and faculties.

Then, even if a proper job is selected there are other factors which affect the psychological comfort of a man. Unfortunately, in modern industrial world most managers consider that only basic working conditions such as safety of labour and adequate compensation must be fulfi, while psychological aspects of professional success are often underestimated. But people feel necessity to self-esteem, they need to get acknowledgement of their job importance. On contrary, if worker would find out that results of his work does not evaluate the whole process and his achievements are ignored by management or colleges it unlikely could make him feel happy and enthusiastic. Consequently, it leads to decrease in production efficiency.

On balance, it is my own personal view that job satisfaction for all workers hardly can be reached today, but it might be possible in society where any kind of labour is respected and where people can consciously choose best suited and desirable job.

из того что сразу бросается в глаза:
Третий абзац очень трудно читабельный. Кембриджские примеры тоже имеют сложную лексику, но легко читаются. Ваши предложения приходится перечитывать несколько раз чтобы уловить суть.
Еще на мой взгляд должен быть параграф адресуемый второму вопросу -How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?
Первое предложение третьего параграфа никак не подходит на роль Topic sentence.
Удачи!

[natalya_ielts]

посмотрите, пожалуйста, эссе. жду любую критику.

[FxrenT=Verdana]Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. [/FONT]
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
[FxrenT=Verdana] [/FONT]
[FxrenT=Verdana]Many young girls and boys study at the university. The percentage of male and female students is not the same in every subject. It depends on the faculties and subjects. However, in my opinion universities needn’t to accept equal numbers of men and women.[/FONT]
[FxrenT=Verdana] [/FONT]
[FxrenT=Verdana]First, there are subjects that suppose to be learned by only men or only women. For example, technical subjects demand using physical power and so it’s a male profession. On the other hand, there are works that could be carried out by only female, for example medical care or teaching. In this case universities mustn’t maintain the equal ratio of males and females. Because in order to meet this aim, entering requirements for certain category of applicants should be reduced and it would result in unfair competition.[/FONT]
[FxrenT=Verdana] [/FONT]
[FxrenT=Verdana]Second, lack of females in male command or males in female command [/FONT][FxrenT=Verdana]reflects on moral conditions of student’s life. The God made ourselves different and we need each other. Moreover, student life is a period for experience of close relations with another sex person and building a family. So, some male universities where study generally boys introduce subjects for girls with easier requirements. For example, the fire-prevention academy begins to accept girls for psychologies profession. Or girls are entered on the same subjects with boys but she need to have lower grade for exam. However, in this case university couldn’t accept the same number girls and boys. One sex would be prevailed in any cases, because a male profession initially wouldn’t become a female one and vice versa.[/FONT]
[FxrenT=Verdana] [/FONT]
[FxrenT=Verdana]259 words.[/FONT]

[Франческа]

Будьте так добры, прокомментируйте мое эссе, пожалуйста.

Zoos are sometimes seen as necessary but poor alternative to a natural environment. Is it necessary to keep animals in zoos?

By accident or design today it's become common thet big cities or towns have their own zoos. In some places they are for entertainment, in other they are used for scientific purposes. Anyway, their popilarity is unquestionable. Still, ia it necessary for people to keep animals in zoos?
On the one hand, zoos are really saving some species from dying out, as according to the nature they can totally disappear from the earth surface because of the natural selection. More over, there are some animals in zoos, which are isolated from species-blending. One more reasonable point is that the question of zoos necessity appears when poanching becomes a real problem. Yet, proper food and medical assistance are provided in zoos.
One the other hand, according to the morality laws it is not humane to keep animals inside some cages or so on. Every alive animal has a right for freedom. Besides, there's no better place or a zoo equipped with the last technology facilities which can replace natural circumstances or conditions. Furthermore, animals depend on people who make their living vulnarable and depending. Even for science, there's no better place like the nature.
To sum up, I can say that the necessity of zoos is rather doubtful. From my point of view, it is better to establish natural parks than zoos. At least, animals will live too close to the natural conditions.

[Grifffin]

посмотрите, пожалуйста, эссе. жду любую критику.

[COLOR=black][FxrenT=Verdana]Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. [/FONT]
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Написано плохо. Эссе нелогичное/непоследовательное. Нет заключения. Идеи слишком категоричные и зачастую нелогичные.

Отсутствуют навыки пользования словарем. Используются неподходящие синонимы/омонимы:

Second, lack of females in male command=teem or males in female command=teem reflects on moral conditions of student’s life.

Command - an order given to a person or an animal:
Teem - a group of people who work together at a particular job:

Купите себе монолингвальный словарь и сверяйте в нем варианты предложеные вашим русско-английским словарем.

Удачи

[Grifffin]

Будьте так добры, прокомментируйте мое эссе, пожалуйста.

Zoos are sometimes seen as necessary but poor alternative to a natural environment. Is it necessary to keep animals in zoos?

Будьте так добры, прокомментируйте мое эссе, пожалуйста.

By accident or design today it's become common that big cities or towns have their own zoos. In some places they play entertainment role , in other areas they are used for scientific purposes. Anyway, their popularity is unquestionable. Is it necessary for people to keep animals in zoos?

On the one hand, zoos are really saving some species from dying out. In the natural environment they can totally disappear from the earth surface because of the natural selection. Moreover , there are some animals in zoos, which are isolated from species-blending. One more reasonable point is that the question of zoos necessity appears when poanching (!?) becomes a real problem. Yet, proper food and medical care are provided in zoos.

One the other hand, according to the morality laws it is not humane to keep animals inside some cages or so on. Every living creature has a right for freedom. Besides, there's no better place or a zoo equipped with the last technological facilities which can replace natural circumstances or conditions. Furthermore, animals depend on people who make their life vulnerable and depending. Even for scientific research there's no better place like the nature.

To sum up, I can say that the necessity of zoos is rather doubtful. From my point of view, it is better to establish natural parks than zoos. At least, animals will live too close to the natural conditions.

Хорошо написано. Богатый вокабуляр. На 7 в принципе тянет.

Опечаток только много

[Франческа]

Будьте так добры, прокомментируйте мое эссе, пожалуйста.

By accident or design today it's become common that big cities or towns have their own zoos. In some places they play entertainment role , in other areas they are used for scientific purposes. Anyway, their popularity is unquestionable. Is it necessary for people to keep animals in zoos?

On the one hand, zoos are really saving some species from dying out. In the natural environment they can totally disappear from the earth surface because of the natural selection. Moreover , there are some animals in zoos, which are isolated from species-blending. One more reasonable point is that the question of zoos necessity appears when poanching (!?) becomes a real problem. Yet, proper food and medical care are provided in zoos.

One the other hand, according to the morality laws it is not humane to keep animals inside some cages or so on. Every living creature has a right for freedom. Besides, there's no better place or a zoo equipped with the last technological facilities which can replace natural circumstances or conditions. Furthermore, animals depend on people who make their life vulnerable and depending. Even for scientific research there's no better place like the nature.

To sum up, I can say that the necessity of zoos is rather doubtful. From my point of view, it is better to establish natural parks than zoos. At least, animals will live too close to the natural conditions.

Хорошо написано. Богатый вокабуляр. На 7 в принципе тянет.

Опечаток только много

ааа)) Спасибо большое) Очень рада, что вам понравилось
Опечатки учту, буду внимательней! Спасибо!

[natalya_ielts]

Написано плохо. Эссе нелогичное/непоследовательное. Нет заключения. Идеи слишком категоричные и зачастую нелогичные.

Отсутствуют навыки пользования словарем. Используются неподходящие синонимы/омонимы:


Command - an order given to a person or an animal:
Teem - a group of people who work together at a particular job:

Купите себе монолингвальный словарь и сверяйте в нем варианты предложеные вашим русско-английским словарем.

Удачи

Grifffin, спасибо за ответ, не могли бы подробнее написать, в чем ошибки. Насчет заключения - решила, что не надо писать, т.к. в самом начале написала, что я disagree.

Что значит "Идеи слишком категоричные и зачастую нелогичные. " поясните, если это мои идеи и я так думаю, как они могут быть неправильными? это мое мнение.?

Насчет синонимов - проблема только в teem-command? или есть еще какие-то ошибки?

Это эссе писала без словаря на время. Поэтому потом ничего не сверяла со словарем, дабы честно оценить свои возможности. Хотелось бы услышать, конкретнее какие ошибки допущены.

А насчет словаря - есть у меня монолингвальный словарь Longman 2009 года - им и пользуюсь.

"Купите себе монолингвальный словарь и сверяйте в нем варианты предложеные вашим русско-английским словарем." русским словарем пользуюсь только при переводе с английского на русский.

спасибо за ответ.

[natalya_ielts]

Grifffin, спасибо за ответ, не могли бы подробнее написать, в чем ошибки. Насчет заключения - решила, что не надо писать, т.к. в самом начале написала, что я disagree.

Что значит "Идеи слишком категоричные и зачастую нелогичные. " поясните, если это мои идеи и я так думаю, как они могут быть неправильными? это мое мнение.?

Насчет синонимов - проблема только в teem-command? или есть еще какие-то ошибки?

Это эссе писала без словаря на время. Поэтому потом ничего не сверяла со словарем, дабы честно оценить свои возможности. Хотелось бы услышать, конкретнее какие ошибки допущены.

А насчет словаря - есть у меня монолингвальный словарь Longman 2009 года - им и пользуюсь.

"Купите себе монолингвальный словарь и сверяйте в нем варианты предложеные вашим русско-английским словарем." русским словарем пользуюсь только при переводе с английского на русский.

спасибо за ответ.

и на какую оценку понянет мое эссе? надо 7, сдаю летом.