My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Balamut5]

Буду очень признателен, если проверите вот этот вот)) Тут тема не сформулирована (взял с последних сданных тем, по словам очевидцев))), но то что требуется написать, вполне ясно!

An argument topic about the benefits of a life as a celebrity was given. We had to explore the pros and cons of being a celebrity and support one side.

Almost everyone dreams about being a celebrity nowadays. TV and newspapers (1) show us all the positive sides of being very popular. However, (2) living in public might be harder that than it seems to be.
---
(1) vocabulary: TV and newspapers portrait their lives in a positive light.
(2) living in public à public life

(3) The mass media showsthe lives of popular musicians and actors (4) as very shiny and delightful. Definitely It is no surprise that (5) allegedly easy lifeliving of famous people is extremely inviting for all of us (6) due to many reasons. First of all, (7) every celebrity has an extremely rich and beautiful live. For example, they can afford to ( buy better houses, very expensive cars and perfect clothes. In addition, being popular means having a big number of fauns over the world. Many people adore celebrities and would like to be like them. As a result, famous people may have (9) strongany influence on their fauns. Finally, being popular means that you will probably be remembered by millions of people in the world even after your death. (10)
---
(3) The mass media – standard form, plural
(4) comparison form, to show smth as <quality>
(5) easy living of famous people – this is not English; + vocabulary: allegedly; + vocabulary: Dfinitely &#224; It is no surprise that… (as it sounds much better in English and better connected with previous sentence).
(6) due to many reasons &#224; obsolete in this context
(7) the whole sentence is practically obsolete. Look, you’ve already stated that it’s shiny and bright, you said that others want the same. You started enumerating the positive sides. So, why do you need to come back to the statement of general nature once again?
( a verb is missing, I suggest ‘buy’ or ‘have’.
(9) they may have any influence?… why any influence? any is not appropriate here.
(10) personally think that the though is incomplete. You may add smth. like – and set/change trends in many areas of life.

(11) On the other hand, celebrities often (12) have many negative effects of being so popular. Though rich and famous people are always showed by TV as the ones who very enjoyed and happy life, living in that way may be incredible difficult and tiring. For example, popular musicians have to travel during their tours almost every day. Secondly, it appears that popular people do not have any private life. They are always followed by (13) photographers. (14) Eventually, it may lead to very tragic results, for instance, (in example the death of Princess Diana which was probably caused by paparazzi photojournalists who were chasing her. Finally famous people, (especially musicians,) (15) often have troubles with drug addiction.
---
(11) vocabulary. On the other hand – is a valid thing here, though you might add more colour to your writing by asking a question. For instance, ‘So, is it all that perfect to be a celebrity? Well, some people would rather disagree’.
(12) idea is not clear enough and a bit clumsy. Rather, celebrities often mention a number of negative sides of being widely known.
(13) photographers = paparazzi in this context.
(14) it’s a weak argument. You might have explored the area of private life more and it would’ve been more valid for this context.
(15) vocabulary. often have troubles with = easily succumb to; besides it would be better in this context as that group of people can easily tend to take drugs, rather than have troubles with drug addiction.

In my opinion, being a celebrity is and (16) extremely hard work. Though it can make you allows you to be very rich, popular and adorable, it can easily take away simplicity and calmness of your life. makes simple and confident being almost impossible. If I had a chance to become a celebrity, I would prefer to (17) stay myself, have an ordinary work, a quiet life and an united family.
---
(16) honestly speaking, do something with your comparisons; you’ve got several ‘extremely’ and a couple of ‘very’, there are more words in English.
(17) vocabulary. stay = remain

Well done! Good structure, ideas are presented and supported in a right way.
There have been just a couple of places where the idea wasn't supported clearly or strongly enough.

I'd say it's a time to concentrate on enriching your vocabulary and streamlining your writing (be more concise). Therefore, I added some comments on vocabulary and ideas presentation.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Hello everyone. Could you please check and evaluate my IELTS essay?

В целом у Вас неплохой английский и Вы достаточно успешно контролируете свой 'поток' мыслей, с точки зрения грамматики и структуры предложений.

Из бросающихся в глаза проблем
1. очень длинное. Слов, наверное, 350 - 380? Вы уверены, что уложитесь на экзамене в заданные временные рамки?
2. Очень прохое вступление. первое предложение вообще-то должно быть последним в абзаце. Вступление для IELTS essay должно быть 3-4 предложения. На большее у Вас просто не хватит времени, unless you're a native or near native English speaker.
3. Слово watch в его разных формах употребляется 9 раз (я не поленилась и посчитала, так как это режет глаза)! И это никак не показатель хорошего словарного запаса и Вашего умения манипулировать английским языком.
4. Некоторые предложения (в принципе правильные с точки зрения структуры) закручены настолько 'лихо', что без 'бутылки не разберешься' . Т.е. страдает readability.
5. Возможно, следовало бы это поставить под номером 2. Где примеры? Provide reasons and examples to support your response. Примеры должны быть конкретны и многочислены. Это часть задания.


Я не буду проводить разбор ошибок , так как Ваша основная проблема - научиться выражать свои мысли в заданные временные рамки, и при этом делать это четко отвечая на вопрос.

Предлагаю переписать это эссе с учетом моих замечаний, а потом я дам 'указания' как улучшить некоторые предложения.

Какой балл Вам нужен? А то мне кажется, что я Вас нацеливаю на более высокий чем требуется.

[433t]

Well done! Good structure, ideas are presented and supported in a right way.
There have been just a couple of places where the idea wasn't supported clearly or strongly enough.

I'd say it's a time to concentrate on enriching your vocabulary and streamlining your writing (be more concise). Therefore, I added some comments on vocabulary and ideas presentation.

спасибо, очень полезный анализ.

[Favorite]

Пожалуйста, дайте оценку моей работе. Спасибо заранее.

In recent years some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. This is resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country sides. This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole. What are these problems? How might they be reduced?

A frequent topic of discussions both in government circles and among ordinary citizens is a tremendous diversity between dwelling in cities and country sides due to remarkable changes in the economics and the technology the last decade. It’s needless to say that such a considerable gap between the urban areas and the rural areas affects the country as a whole negatively.

To begin with, the even development of the county is the basis of its citizens’ welfare and prosperity. Indeed, an every state aims to provide its inhabitants with proper education, medical care, work places. Otherwise, people suffering form the lack of these facilities may feel resentment and even provoke some kind of social alterations. The next problem caused by the gap is the overpopulation in cities. As a result, congested roads, environment pollution, overcrowded cr&#232;ches and nursery schools are rising. Finally, migrating to the cities the rural people leave the wasteland and the abandoned agriculture factories. Sooner or later it will lead to food shortage and necessity to spend funds purchasing food from abroad.

Many government try to change such a sad situation and prevent its aggravation. From my standpoint, several steps could be undertaken. First of all, the country side needs in employment opportunities. If the majority of the large manufacturing capabilities were distributed evenly over the country it would be of benefits to both the urban areas and the rural areas. Further, the measures keeping young people in the country sides should be created. Why, for instance, not place some universities to the rural areas? In addition, an appropriate infrastructure influences the living standards positively. Lastly, the government could stimulate people to relocate in the country sides via the benefits or, in particular, the low interest rate mortgage.

To sum up, the gap between living in the cities and the rural areas arose not yesterday. Respectively, diminishing this difference can not be made at once. Nevertheless, I believe strongly that pulling up the county side to the city level will succeed in future

[Balamut5]

In recent years some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. This is resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country sides. This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole. What are these problems? How might they be reduced?

проверю сегодня, не вопрос.

Но тема!!!
In recent years some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. -- это Китай!

This is resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country sides. --- это точно Китай!

This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole. --- бояцо!!!

What are these problems? How might they be reduced? --- и ищут пути выхода

Шутка конечно

[taha]

Здраствуйте дорогие форумчане, учел предедущие замечания, постарался раскрыть тему, пожалуйста проверьте и дайте советы, я буду рад каждому совету.

Ecological balance is impossible to archive when technological progress constantly ruins our environment. Do you agree.

There is no doubt that technological progress is good for the humanity as a whole, but whether it is good for the environment. Some people consider while technological development destroys our environment, to live in harmony is impossible. I totally agree with this thought and in the following paragraphs I will give my reasons to support my view.

Firstly, in many countries technological progress is increasing dramatically, everywhere people try to built the new factories, companies in order to support their needs. These objects produce many things, which are not environmentally friendly, in most of the case these products are harmful to the environment. As a result our planet has a lots problems with greenhouse gases, acid rain, air pollution, global warming, ozone deforestation.

Secondly, technological progress is not only in the big cities, also we can see in the villages. However, some farmers cultivate intensive farming, in order to take much benefits from the lands. But this type of farming use a lot of herbicides and pesticides, which have bad effects to the ecological situation. Also, the farmers want to new lands, so they destroy the forest in different part of the world.

To sum up, people’s requirements are increasing rapidly, people needs more food, more water, more machines and place to live. Therefore they develop technological progress. But the humankind forget that we are not alone on this planet. So we need to keep balance between environment and technological progress for the future generation and we should stop to destroy the environment.

[Balamut5]

Пожалуйста, дайте оценку моей работе. Спасибо заранее.

In recent years some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. This is resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the country sides. This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole. What are these problems? How might they be reduced?

A frequent topic of discussions both in government circles and among ordinary citizens is a tremendous (1) diversity between dwelling in cities and country sides due to remarkable changes in the economics and the technology (2) development over the last decade. It’s needless to say that such a considerable gap between the urban areas and the rural areas affects the country as a whole negatively.
----
(1) vocabulary: diversity is not a right word; could be disproportion, discrepancy, difference, gap, etc.
(2) you need to put a noun (development as example) and put over to reflect time period

To begin with, the even development of the county is the basis of its citizens’ welfare and prosperity. Indeed, (3) an every state aims to provide its inhabitants with proper education, medical care, work places. Otherwise, people suffering frorm the lack of these facilities may feel resentment and even provoke some kind of social (4) alterations. The next problem caused by the gap is the overpopulation in cities, resulting in. As a result, congested roads, environmental pollution, overcrowded cr&#232;ches and nursery schools are rising. Finally, migrating to the cities the rural people (5) leave the wasteland and the abandoned agriculture factories. Sooner or later it will lead to food shortage and a necessity to spend funds to purchase food from abroad.
----
(3) taking into account your English, I was much surprised to see ‘an every state’…
(4) vocabulary: alteration is not used in this meaning; could be ‘social disturbance’.
(5) readability: migrating people cannot leave wasteland and abandoned agriculture factories; rather their migration leads to the land and agriculture facilities being abandoned.

Many governments try to change such a sad situation and prevent its aggravation. From my standpoint, several steps could be undertaken. First of all, the country side needs inan employment opportunities. If thea majority of the large manufacturing capabilities were distributed evenly over the country, it would be of benefits to both the urban areas and the rural areas. Further, the measures (6) to keep young people in the country sides should be created. For instance, why don’t we place some universities into the rural areas? (idea is given, justification and explanation are missed) In addition, an appropriate infrastructure influences the living standards positively. (idea is given, justification and explanation are missed). Lastly, the government could stimulate people to relocate in the country sides by applying/providing or through via (7) the benefits or, in particular, the low interest rate mortgage.
----
(6) We need to understand measures keeping young generation in countryside. We need to find measures to keep young generation in countryside.
(7) I believe ‘via’ is less formal form.

To sum up, the gap between living standards in the cities and the rural areas arose not yesterday. Respectively, ( diminishing this difference cannot be made at once. Nevertheless, I believe strongly that pulling up the county side to the city level will be successful succeed in future
---
( vocabulary: diminish – reduce in quantity/size/importance. To diminish the importance of the gap – to discover and explain factors that do not create the gap. You need something like ‘mitigation of’
Also, the sentence is hard to read, it’s not a common English phrase. Rather, we cannot expect these differences to disappear at once, but we can anticipate that our efforts will be successful in the future.

Wow! It’s a good start indeed! Congratulations.
You were straight to the point, provided lots of arguments, and used extensive vocabulary.
I believe it could easily be band score 7.

Surely, there were some grammar mistakes and some questionable choice of words (marked above).
Also, some ideas to mitigate the negative effect of disproportion between urban and rural standards of living were weak, as they would mostly help address the settlement disproportion but not the root causes identified in the second paragraph (for instance, manufacturing capabilities, universities, infrastructure development would not lead to people continuing developing the land and working as farmers). Anyway, this is my vision that might be different from assessor’s vision.

What could be a real improvement to the essay is a clear explanation how the suggested mitigation can help address the outlined challenge. For instance, the second paragraph could speak about young people abandoning land and farms in the countryside due to hardships, disconnection from ‘real life’, which leads to possible food shortages and a need to procure food from abroad. Thus, the third paragraph could include statements that would address these particular challenges – for example, to suggest promoting countryside lifestyle, its ambience, with government assistance in mortgage and business farming development, as well as, agriculture universities/institutions, which can lead to diminishing of disproportions in standards of living. Also, it could be coupled with infrastructure and social development to make this lifestyle welcoming to farmers’ children.

Essay has 336 words. Please, try to be concise next time.

[Favorite]

Balamut5, спасибо большое за комментарии. Как видно, мой недостаток это много идей и отсутствие их объяснения. Значит ли, что две идеи с полным раскрытием лучше?
И еще "a majority of ..." я в примерах эссе, написанных преподами, встречал только "the majority"

[Balamut5]

Balamut5, спасибо большое за комментарии. Как видно, мой недостаток это много идей и отсутствие их объяснения. Значит ли, что две идеи с полным раскрытием лучше?
И еще "a majority of ..." я в примерах эссе, написанных преподами, встречал только "the majority"

интернет полон фраз типа a majority of.. так что.. на мой взгляд, так было лучше. Найти английское правило не смогу сходу.

Относительно идей да. В эссе, как формальном документе, высказываются мысли, объясняются, иллюстрируются и делаются выводы. За простое необоснованное перечисление мыслей стрелять не будут, но баллы за аргументацию снимут, а они важны.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

И еще "a majority of ..." я в примерах эссе, написанных преподами, встречал только "the majority"

Потому что, как правило 'the majority'. 'А majority' будет в особых случаях и контекстах. Чтобы не путаться, пишите только the - не ошибетесь.

[Франческа]

Проверьте ,плиз, мое эссе!!

More and more people go out to work. Is it the government's responsibility to subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children? To what extent do you agree or disagree to this idea?

Women are playing a very important role in our society. The way to equality with men have been establishing for centuries. Nowadays, people see a woman not just like a housekeeper and mother but also like smart and equal one. Women can make a career and have the same opportunities like men do. But still, because of the responsibility for their children, after their birth, women are facing a problem of choice: whether to stay at home or realise yourself in career? There the role of government is actual.
Women do need job out of the house while it is necessary for them. They get communication, feeling of importance. It's their psycology. The routine household make them sick. Secondly, by making a career a woman works for her service record which warrants the future and welfare of her children.
On the other side, career reflects on the family. The shortage of time and care influences badly children and husband. So, to avoid children abandance the government should interfere. Today, we have got kindergartens and special nurses for our children. This service is not for free and sometimes expensive enough for families with low income.
I personally think that the government is meant to subsidise women through providing free staff and care facilities for their children. As women mostly work for the governmetn and its glory. Therefoe it should encourage women and provide them opportunities to improve the quality of life.

[Disped]

Women play (т.к наверное они играют-то роль always)
like men do. на like men have. Т.е либо "like men have" or "so have men",
On the other side. Не лучше On the other hand?


Сугубно имхо..) Может и не прав, тогда просьба поправить, дабы сам знал)

И, вроде, для Secondly нужно обязательно вступление, (Firstly etc.)

Советую почитать структуру эссе.. чтобы более соответствовало идеалу) А лексика мне очень понравилась...да и точка зрения присутствует)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

More and more people go out to work. Is it the government's responsibility to subsidize them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children? To what extent do you agree or disagree to this idea?

Women are playing a very important role in our society. The way to .

Therefoe it should encourage women and provide them opportunities to improve the quality of life .

Простите, а о чем эссе?

Прочитайте вопрос эссе и задание и тогда увидите, что Ваше эссе отвечает совсем на другой вопрос. В задании - people, а у Вас - Women.
В задании о provide free staff and facilities to care for their children, а у Вас - the quality of life of women.
В задании - what extent do you agree or disagree to this idea, а у Вас вообще ничего нет.

Generally speaking, для того чтобы написать эссе на 6 и выше надо отвечать на вопрос. 5 и 5.5 еще можно получить за счет неплохого английского кандидата, но выше - увы!

[natalya_ielts]

Please, could you see my leter.

Last month you had a holiday overseas where you stayed with some friends. They have just sent you some photos of your holiday.
Write a letter to your friends. In your letter
- thank them for the photos and for the holiday
- explain why you didn’t write earlier
- invite them to come and stay with you

Hello, my dear friends!

I’ve received the photos of New Year’s holiday in Paris. Thank you for these. In addition I’d like to say pleasure for this time. I’ve enjoyed it. And I will remember it as my best vacation. I think that you have a high-level of organization skills.

I wasn’t able to write as soon as receive your mail because I was ill and stayed at hospital. Lucky, but now is all good.

And I wonder to invite you to visit Moscow this summer. You will be seen all interesting sights in Moscow including the Kremlin and the Bolshoi Theater. Besides that, we would be able to go to the Krasnoyarsk region and stay at a recreation in the Sayan Mountain making walking-tours or rafting.

If you are interesting in my suggestion I’ll like to wait for you. And I expect from you some wishes what you want to visit in Russia. I’ll try to meet it all.

I’ll wait for your answer.

From Russia with love,
Your friend.

[Disped]

А мне кажется In addition слишком рано..
Может лучше Also?

I wasn’t able to write as soon as receive your mail because I was ill and stayed at hospital.

наверное имеется ввиду еще раньше? До письма.. хотя тут NG..