My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[vadim85]

Vanderley, спасибо большое за замечания, почитал ссылку которую вы давали и попробовал упорядочить структуру, просмотрите, пожалуйста, если будет время.

Young drivers are careless and overconfident and too many are killed in accidents. To eliminate the problem we could teach children the skills of safe driving while they are in school. Do you agree or disagree?

In modern society transport means became very important part of life because of the long distances people have to overcome almost every day. Because of that it is a very common practice that young people are starting to drive as soon as they are allowed by the laws. But this leads for some problems which will be examined in that essay.

Modern education system is designed to prepare the youth to become a full-valued members of society. Therefore there are a lot of followers of the idea to make driving lessons the part of the school programm. It is considered that human mind is in the most suitable condition for absorbing information in the young age and lessons of the safe driving are not the exception. For example, in the USA young people are allowed to get driving license in the age of 16, so they start to study even earlier. Also the pupils, watched by the instructor, could get a good practice in rather safe conditions for them and for the people who are around.

But on the other hand the youth who is allowed to drive in little age can make some extra problems. I mean that it is a rather common situation when a young man can not assess his possibilities and the road situation properly and he is starting to break traffic rules. This often leads to increasing the amount of road accidents. In addition, young drivers very often think about the car as about another toy and they do not understand how big responsibility they have got. Statistics shows that the number of accidents among the people in the age of 18 to 22 is twice higher than in the age of 23 to 26 years old.

In conclusion I want to agree with the opinion that young children should be thaught for driving in schools. But it is important to keep them under strict control and not to allow them to use the car by themselves before they get good result on the driving exam.

[Vanderley]

Vanderley, спасибо большое за замечания, почитал ссылку которую вы давали и попробовал упорядочить структуру, просмотрите, пожалуйста, если будет время.

Young drivers are careless and overconfident and too many are killed in accidents. To eliminate the problem we could teach children the skills of safe driving while they are in school. Do you agree or disagree?

Ну, что я могу сказать. По структуре вопросов вообще никаких нету. Очень хорошо.

Ну а английский всё-таки слабенький пока, подтягивайте его как-нить. Тут тоже могу кое-что посоветовать. Стал недавно читать новостные сайты аглйиские, американские, австралийские и ещё всякие. Отличная вещь. Во-первых, оттуда можно почерпнуть новые идеи для эссе, во вторых можно обогатить словарный запас по нужным темам. Далее, все новости пишутся на формальном инглише и структуры, взятые из новостей, я уверен, на ура прокатят в эссе. Ну и наконец, оттуда можно притырить целые предложения красивые или образцы предложений. Например, когда приводишь какие-нить аргументы, можно втиснуть что-либо типа "...Так, ученые Мухоранского университета не так давно провели исседование..., в ходе которого выяснилось, что...". Опять же синонимов про проблемным словам можно понабираться(таким как problem, nowadays и important, которые даже мне уже глаза режут, не говоря уже про проверяющих, у которых каждый день nowadays ). Если надо ссылки, зайдите в англ или австралийский гугл и наберите news, получите как раз всё то, чем я пользуюсь.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Young drivers are careless and overconfident and too many are killed in accidents. To eliminate the problem we could teach children the skills of safe driving while they are in school. Do you agree or disagree?

....

But on the other hand the youth who is allowed to drive in little age can make some extra problems. I mean that it is a rather common situation when a young man can not assess his possibilities and the road situation properly and he is starting to break traffic rules. This often leads to increasing the amount of road accidents. In addition, young drivers very often think about the car as about another toy and they do not understand how big responsibility they have got. Statistics shows that the number of accidents among the people in the age of 18 to 22 is twice higher than in the age of 23 to 26 years old..

А какое отношение имеет этот абзац к теме эссе?

Я уже было собралась написать, что эссе вполне себе на 6.5, как этот абзац все испортил

have got - informal. Don't use in the essay

[Vanderley]

А какое отношение имеет этот абзац к теме эссе?

Я уже было собралась написать, что эссе вполне себе на 6.5, как этот абзац все испортил

have got - informal. Don't use in the essay

Согласен, прозевал Это конечно не относится к вопросу должны ли мы учить детей вождению в школе.

Но если переделать немного формулировку эссе, то ничего ж вроде смотрится? Ну, уж по крайней мере лучше, чем предыдущее так точно.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Согласен, прозевал Это конечно не относится к вопросу должны ли мы учить детей вождению в школе.

Но если переделать немного формулировку эссе, то ничего ж вроде смотрится? Ну, уж по крайней мере лучше, чем предыдущее так точно.

Никак это не смотрится. Или первые два абзаца надо переделывать (о школе), либо этот (учить или не учить водить - этим-то никто не интересовался )

А так с точки зрения английского и организации - безусловно лучше. Поэтому и ближе к 6.5


Не обращайте внимание: у меня глаз натренированный на такие неувязки.

[vadim85]

А какое отношение имеет этот абзац к теме эссе?

Я уже было собралась написать, что эссе вполне себе на 6.5, как этот абзац все испортил

have got - informal. Don't use in the essay

Ну да, потерял мысль. По плану было потом написать, что в следствии указанного в абзаце не нужно детей слишком рано учить водить. Спасибо Вам и Vanderley за замечания.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ну да, потерял мысль. По плану было потом написать, что в следствии указанного в абзаце не нужно детей слишком рано учить водить. Спасибо Вам и Vanderley за замечания.

Речь не идет о рано или поздно. Забудьте про возраст. Дети все равно получают права тогда, когда на это имеют право. Речь идет о преподавании/обучению вождения в школе. Т.е. в какие Вы видите положительные и какие отрицательные моменты уроков вождения в школе.
Про положительные Вы уже написали. А какие отрицательные? Например, перегруженность школьной программы. Лучше потратить время на обучение чего-то более 'интересно/полезного'. Это задача родителей обучать детей вождению, а не школы. и т.д.

[ajara]

Прошу покритиковать мое эссе

You recently went shopping at the local supermarket. When you got home and studied your bill you found that you had been charged for items you did not purchase.
Write a letter to the supermarket manager explaining what has happened. Tell the manager how you feel about the error and ask him to do something about.


Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Ms. ... I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with the poor service in your supermarket I had today, January 25, 2011. When I got home and studied my bill I found that I had been charged for a jar of coffee I did not purchase.
That mistake was made because a cashier was having a conversation with another staff member when she was serving me. How could your member of staff make errors with this kind of practice which customer has pay for? This is unprofessional by check out operator who should recognize customer and signify to customer that their purchasing with store is important to store and hopefully make customer want to shop again at store - sadly my bad experience hardly encouraged me to want to go again to your store.
Therefore, I would like to receive refund. Please find a photocopy of the receipt attached and give this matter you immediate attention. I look forward to receiving a satisfactory reply.
Yours faithfully,
171 words

[Vanderley]

Прошу покритиковать мое эссе

You recently went shopping at the local supermarket. When you got home and studied your bill you found that you had been charged for items you did not purchase.
Write a letter to the supermarket manager explaining what has happened. Tell the manager how you feel about the error and ask him to do something about.

Я не эксперт в письмах, но всё же выскажу пару замечаний.

Во-первых, если вы поставите многоточие после мисс в письме на экзамене, вам снимут бал.

Далее, не переписывайте формулировку задания, это тоже наказывается, тем более, что она тут написано в informal стиле(get home).

В абзаце, в котором вы описываете что случилось не надо ставить вопросы и развернуто объяснять что же такое качественный сервис. Тут же очень неудачное предложение где слово store употреблено 4 раза почти подряд.

В следующем абзаце непонятно откуда появляется therefore. Мне кажется не слудует начинать новый параграф с therefore, так как причина плохо прослеживается.

Ну и да, ошибок есть:
has to pay for;
encouraged me to want to go again to your store - 3 to подряд;

Английский очень слабенький, я уловил только общую идею.
Как-то так.

[ajara]

Спасибо, Вандерлей! Попробую исправить с учетом ваших замечаний.

[Nataly]

Добрый вечер.Покритикуйте и мое эссе пожалуйста.))))
Спасибо.

Some people think the government should increase the sports facilities to
solve the public health problems. However, others think that other
measures should be taken to help resolve this problem. Discuss both views
and give your own opinion.

These days, it is very popular to have a healthy life style and many people
turn to sports. In this essay, I will discuss about the ways to develop sports
facilities in the society.

On the one hand, I could say that I agree that government should increase
sports to the society very effectively because government has a lot of
power to do this in many different ways. For example, they could show
social advertisements on TV or Internet and explain to people how
important it is to be athletic and healthy. Moreover, government has a rule
to include propaganda sport life style into the hospitals, schools and other
social places. It helps people to understand how important it is.
Furthermore, government could build many sport places for people such as
swimming pools, sport fields, sport clubs. It really helps people to turn to
sports, lose weight and spend nice time with family and kids.

On the other hand, could say that not only government could develop
sports facilities for people and teachers at school and universities have to
explain for teenagers that sports could help them to avoid problems with
health. Not only that, but employers could support sports in their firms. For
example, they could give for workers season tickets to go to the sports
clubs with discount and forbid smoke during work day.

To sum up, I could say that today it’s very important to be sporty to avoid
problems with health. People could develop sports facilities in many ways,
such as public advertisements, with help from the government or in other
ways. It really helps this generation to be healthy, sporty and good looking.

[vika_rush]

Здравствуйте, можете покритиковать мое эссе?
Заранее спасибо.

Nowadays air traffic is increasingly leading to more noise, airport construction and pollution. There are several opinions for and against such low-cost passenger flights.

They say government should reduce air traffic by taxing it more heavily. I think that it may be a great solution of this problem if everybody could afford such expensive flights. But still it is not fair to rise prices so dramatically.
Another minus of this situation is that high taxes will reduce popularity of some historical places and tourism industry will lose big amount of funds. It definitely will affect economics because expensive flights don't bring such a big profit as it is with low-cost passenger flights.

But still there are some advantages of such high- cost passenger flights. One of them is decreasing air pollution. If amount of flight was less, environment will be pure in nearest future. Although, the USA began to manufacture new plains which save about one third of all fuel and it doesn't harm nature so significantly as it was in the past.

In conclusion I can say that every model has 2 sides and there are many solutions of this problematic situation. Government can't be involved in this problem because every air company should decide what to do by itself. And I think that we have to produce environmentally friendly transport to make level of pollution decrease.

[Nuritos]

Моё тоже))) Спасибо заранее!

School children are becoming far too dependent on computers. This is having an alarming effect on reading and writing skills. Teachers need to avoid using computers in the classroom at all costs and go back to teaching basic sutdy skills.
Do you agree or disagree?

New technologies are entering into our life rapidly. One of the spheres where computers are becoming useful and necessary is education. However, except for their pluses, computers also have own disadvantages. Nowadays, many children at school adapted to computers and became too dependent on them. So, teachers alarm that they must go back to teaching main study skills.

In my book, it is wrong opinion. Of course, computers cannot be without minuses. Nevertheless, these dimerits are not connected with education system. Firstly, by using computers, in particular the Internet, students may have access to the plenty of different learning programs and electronic books. If someone want to rad for example "Robinzone Cruzo", but has not original book and does not want to go to the library, he or she easily can find this book in the Web.

Secondly, I would not agree with the statement that the use of computers effect on writing skills. You know that all computers have the text redactor programs, such as 'Word', 'AkelPad' and so on. For instance, when you write by 'Word', this program will check your text and find your mistakes. There is no doubt that it really helps to the learners of the foreign languages. When I write email or essays in English, my computer shows me my mistakes made immediately and gives the correct spellings of the words.

All in all, I would not recommend to avoid the use of computers in the classrooms. Because, they really help us to get the high level of education in modern life.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Моё тоже))) Спасибо заранее!

School children are becoming far too dependent on computers. This is having an alarming effect on reading and writing skills. Teachers need to avoid using computers in the classroom at all costs and go back to teaching basic sutdy skills.
Do you agree or disagree?

.....

Очень слабый английский, много руссизмов.

Вступление очень странное: начали о New technologies, а во втором предложении, без всякой связки, перешли к computers А как же другие New technologies?

Заключениее тоже не отвечает требованиям пред'являемым с структуре эссе.

Есть и другие моменты - например, использование you - указывающие на то, что прежде чем начинать писать эссе Вам надо разобраться что это такое и какие к нему пред'являются требования. Т.е. - прежде всего засесть за учебники!

На мой взгляд - 5.5

Удачи в изучении английского и познании науки написания эссе.

[Nataly]

Maimiti_Isabella,покритикуйте и мое эссе пожалуйста.Выше есть мое эссе,а это уже второе.)))На сколько балло тянет?Нужно 6,5.)))Спасибо.)))

Some countries require that school children are taught one foreign language, while other countries do not require any foreign languages to be taught. Discuss the advantages of both approaches and give your opinion.

The matter of considerable controversy at present is which education process is better for our kids. Some of the countries believe that learning foreign languages is good, others think that it is not so necessary for them. This essay will discuss both views.

On the one hand, I agree that learning two or three foreign languages at the same time is good for kids leaning process if it is interesting, and could develop them and build their communicative skills. Moreover, learning some languages together is easier then learning on our own.

For example, in my country, it is very common when children learn many foreign languages at school. I know one family where all the children learn English and Spanish languages at the same time and not get tired because teachers make learning process very interesting and well understanding. Needless to say, language knowledge is very important for their job in the future.

On the other hand, not learning any foreign languages can help youngsters to focus on the other important subjects such as math or history.

To support this idea, I can say that students from advanced math school do not need to learn languages much because the focus is math.

In conclusion, I should say that over the past quarter century language knowledge has become very important in our life. As we know, kids are the future of us, so they need to know not only their native language.