My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Mira_n]

Sorry for not commenting on your essay; I sort of moved on and forgot about it.

I've never seen a taks like this in any IELTS books but perhaps this is something new, though it does look more TOEFL than IELTS.

Anyway, your English is very good. There are only a couple of mistakes in parallelism and punctuation. An example of the latter would be how 'therefore' is used. 'Therefore' is a linking word (similar to 'however') and cannot be used to join two clauses.

The sentence below would be an example of both problems.
It appears to me that revision in health funding is definitely required, and a new mathematical model formulated
In this sentence 'is' belongs to both verbs, required and formulated, which is an example of parallel structures (in fact I don't think this was your intention!). However, by putting the comma before 'and' you separated them and created two clauses as we can't have a comma between the subject and the verb. As a result, the second part becomes incomplete and is missing both the subject and the verb.

I don't know whether the essay was written under exam conditions but you've demonstrated a very good level of English and I believe it could fetch you an '8'.

Maimiti_Isabella, thank you very much for your reply, it inspirits me a lot. Unfortunately, it wasn't written under exam conditions.

[gush]

Очередная попытка!

Ну что ж, разок попытался сдать, 5.5 writing, виноват только сам! Думаю, что недостаточно потренировался.

Буду чрезвычайно благодарен, если у кого-то доберутся руки до моих каракулей и укажут на ошибки не совместимые с 6.5-7.0

итак 281 слово, около 40 мин.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for children. Use specific details and examples to support your answer.

There are a lot of people who consider that television is bad for children, nevertheless a lot of people believe that it is useful for children to watch TV. To my way of thinking, watching TV is good for children and I will outline this below.

First of all, I should say that television was one of the most popular entertainment in the world. Day by day it has been developing and becoming more popular and more comprehensive. There are plenty of programs which can help children to develop their cognitive skills, improve their vocabulary and spend their free time in funny and interesting way. There are many programs for babies which can teach them to count and write on TV. However, television is not the only resource of information, children should remember about books and teachers.


Secondly, I want to say that watching TV is not good for vision if you do it regularly and for a long time. As for me, my mother used to make me do a break after each hour of watching it. I also was not allowed to watch it after 9.00 pm. That means that watching should be limited and controlled by parents to avoid being seen adult’s sets. In addition, television helps people to meet together and watch their favorites programs.


To sum up, I would like to say that television allows children to get information which they will not get in books. They can watch historical, biological or geographical movies which will show them places and things they would have never seen. I consider that TV should be in every home and every person will find something new and interesting, especially children.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Ну что ж, разок попытался сдать, 5.5 writing, виноват только сам! Думаю, что недостаточно потренировался.

Буду чрезвычайно благодарен, если у кого-то доберутся руки до моих каракулей и укажут на ошибки не совместимые с 6.5-7.0

итак 281 слово, около 40 мин.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for children. Use specific details and examples to support your answer.

There are a lot of people who consider that television is bad for children, nevertheless a lot of people believe that it is useful for children to watch TV. To my way of thinking, watching TV is good for children and I will outline this below.

Главная проблема этого эссе в том, что оно написано по принципу 'ни о чем', т.е. совершенно непонятно откуда что берется. Я бы сказала, что оно больше напоминает 'поток мыслей', чем эссе.
Итак, по порядку.
Где Introduction - его просто нет! Во вступлении Вы должны 'представить' эссе, т.е. о чем оно будет (watching TV and children and its effects), как оно будет построено, и - если хотите - Ваша точка зрения на поставленную проблему.

Попробуйте для начала переписать Introduction (и немешало бы все-таки ознакомиться с примерами ), а потом будем говорить дальше.

[Unique82]

Hello everybody,

I failed IELTS the second time in a row because of the writing part - only 6.0 Could you please check my essay and suggest if there is something I have to improve in order to get higher (7.0 or above) IELTS band score? Many thanks in advance!

"Task: Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for commiting it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both these views and give you own opinion."

In the modern world decision about the punishment often depends on motivation and circumstances of the crime but sometimes it is fixed and undisputable. There are different points of view on this problem in society which I would like to review below.

The majority of people nowadays take into account circumstances of the committed crime such as: intentions, social status and mental conditions. These can either make the punishment more strict or less strict than average. For example in case someone drives his car being drunk and disobeying traffic rules the punishment will be very strict. In case crime was committed under extreme circumstances there is a possibility that some of accused will be proven to be not guilty. For example if someone drives his pregnant wife to the hospital when she is about to give birth to her child without obeying traffic rules.

By complete contrast, some of people think that the punishment should be always fixed, no matter how and who has committed it. This point of view is very efficient and fair when we judge small crimes and violations. In this case the punishment could be either fine or public work.

To sum up, I think that juridical system works pretty well in most of the modern countries, where serious crimes are judged with taking into account many factors and on the other hand, punishment for small crimes is very often fixed by the law. This both saves time for important cases and simplifies easy and cliche cases.

Total: 251 words / Time spent: 38 minutes

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Hello everybody,

I failed IELTS the second time in a row because of the writing part - only 6.0 Could you please check my essay and suggest if there is something I have to improve in order to get higher (7.0 or above) IELTS band score? Many thanks in advance!

Если судить по данному эссе, то Вы недобираете баллов за счет плохой организации writing. У Вас очень слабое Introduction, так как вы не introduced the general topic, which in our case is the crime and punishment.
Второй body абзац настолько коротенький, что считайте его совсем нет . Когда просят выразить/об'яснит/сравнить две точки зрения, то они должны быть уравновешены. Я не имею ввиду точное количество слов, но хотя бы на глаз, а иначе одна из точек зрения считается нераскрытой.
В результате, заключение тоже вроде как 'ни о чем', особенно учитывая то, что Вы даете ему характеристику (juridical system works pretty well).

Для начала, разбирайтесь с этими проблемами, а потом можно и об английском поговорить

ПС я лично считаю, что если есть возможность взять пару частных уроков у опытного преподавателя IELTS, your problem will be then fixed pretty quickly. Please note, I really mean an IELTS tutor and not just a teacher of English even if he or she is a native speaker

G'luck

[Unique82]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо Вам большое! Посмотрел на форуме, и теперь попробовал написать другое эссе, сделав его "по модели". Извиняюсь за большое количество клише, которые уже, наверное, всем набили оскомину. Заранее благодарю за Ваше время и позитивный настрой)

Task:
Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.
What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

The problem of balance between practical and theoretical knowledge and skills provided by universities has long been the subject of intense debate and this is a question that certainly does not have one correct answer. Many people believe that theoretical part of education should be the core of educational process, whereas other are of the opinion that education should have more practical approach. In this essay I will explore both points of view and give my own opinion.

On one hand, traditional educational process in universities marginally consists of theoretical part. This part of education is essential if you do not know anything about the subject, although there could be many subjects of less or even no importance for ones future career. For example, during my study in university I have learned different subjects, schemes and rules but there were little case studies and examples from the real life. Moreover, when I started my career I have never used some of the rules and formulas at my workplace, while others appeared to be really useful. For this reason it is clear that theoretical education is a good basis and starting point but it is definitely not enough for real life.

On the other hand, practical approach in education is obviously in trend today especially for senior professionals and specialists. One of the most popular of them is MBA, where students have to examine different case studies and practices taken from world-leading companies. Such an experience is valuable for managers as they can implement these practices into their companies and they can also contribute and share their own experience within their group. Nevertheless, these studies are only make sense for those who at least have basic understanding and personal experience of the subject. Therefore it is obvious that we really need to develop practical skills only after getting basic information about the subject.

Considering everything mentioned above it is clearly seen that there should be good balance between theoretical and practical part in education. Both these parts are of the same importance for educational process. In my opinion, this process should be divided into two parts: orientation (theoretical part) and practice. In this case students will have both access to knowledge and understanding how to use this knowledge in order to be ready to work and successfully employed right after being graduated.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо Вам большое! Посмотрел на форуме, и теперь попробовал написать другое эссе, сделав его "по модели". Извиняюсь за большое количество клише, которые уже, наверное, всем набили оскомину. Заранее благодарю за Ваше время и позитивный настрой)

Task:
Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.
What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

The problem of balance between practical and theoretical knowledge and skills provided by universities

Скажите, пожалуйста, а Вы сами поняли, что Вы написали? Потому как я - нет

On one hand, traditional educational process in universities marginally (?????????) consists of theoretical part. This part of education is essential if you do not know anything about the subject, although there could be many subjects of less or even no importance for ones future career. For example, during my study in university I have learned different subjects, schemes (?????????????????) and rules but there were little -> few case studies and examples from the (cut) real life. Moreover, when I started my career I have never used (-> Past simple: when) some of the rules and formulas at my workplace, while others appeared to be really useful. blah-blah-blah.[/QUOTE]
Ну и клише! Вам что, слов не хватало? бррр

На 7-ку тянет...

[gush]

оцените пожалуйста письмо

Вот, тренировался. Посмотрите, пожалуйста, у кого имеется свободное время.

You rent a house through an agency. The heating system has stopped working. You phoned the agency a week ago but it has still not been repaired.

Write a letter to the agency. In your letter

1. introduce yourself
2. explain the situation
3. say what action you would like the agency to take

Write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write any addresses.

Begin your letter as follows:

Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Dmitry Gushchin. I’ve been renting an accommodation through your agency. I would like to inform you that I have troubles which could be solved only by your company.
The heating system of my house is not working. It stopped to heat about week ago. Due to this fact I have some inconveniences. It’s rather cold inside my house because of the outside temperature so I have to use electrical heaters to warm up the rooms. They are very powerful devices so I bear financial losses.
I’ve already called to your agency. I called on the 26th of December and one of your employers promised me that in three days period somebody would come and fix it. It passed 7 days and anybody has not still come. If it is possible, could you give me an explanation of this situation. I would like to know what it is the problem.
I demand that somebody comes to me after receiving my letter. If nobody visits me I’ll write an official complain and will demand to refund me money. It’s getting colder and colder each day.

Yours Faithfully,
Dmitry Gushchin.

[gush]

и ещё одно

An Australian colleague is going to your country for a conference. He/she will spend several days in your home town and has written a letter to you asking for advice about thing to see and do there/
Write a letter to the colleague suggesting what should see and do while he /she is in your home town.



Dear Mike.

I’m alright and what is about you? I’m glad to know that you will go to conference in Moscow. As for you advise, there are a lot of places to see and to visit. If I have a time I’ll try to make a company to you.
There are a lot of interesting places which you should visit. At first, you should go to the Red Square, it is the heart of Moscow and Russia. At second, you should see such places like the Moscow Underground, many stations are historically important and very beautiful, the State Tret’yakov Gallery – museum of art where are many pictures collected. You also can walk such streets like Arbat, Prechistinka, Tverskaya.
There is a lot of entertainment in Russian Capital. You can visit Moscow ZOO, Circus and the VDNKh. There are many places where you can play billiards or bowling. If the weather is fine you can order an excursion on boat along the River-Moscow.

I hope I’ll have free time to meet you. We’ll be able to discuss some business questions and spend time together in friendly atmosphere. You can reach me +79264336655.

Yours Sincerely,
Dmitry





Спасибо!

[Южная]

gush, Я не спец, сдавать буду первый раз Алтс, но вот мои комменты. Вы используете простые слова как important, beautiful, которые надо заменять на более интересные, как important = significant, essential; beautiful = impressive, attractive, magnificent, fascinating. Interesting places я бы заменила на отличное слово sights. Ну и еще у вас больше перечесление достопримечательностей идет, чем рассказ о них. Оставтье 2 -3 штуки и опишите их, покажите свой словарный запас

[gush]

gush, Я не спец, сдавать буду первый раз Алтс, но вот мои комменты. Вы используете простые слова как important, beautiful, которые надо заменять на более интересные, как important = significant, essential; beautiful = impressive, attractive, magnificent, fascinating. Interesting places я бы заменила на отличное слово sights. Ну и еще у вас больше перечесление достопримечательностей идет, чем рассказ о них. Оставтье 2 -3 штуки и опишите их, покажите свой словарный запас

Спасибо!Я эту фишку за собой тоже замечал, вроде все складно получается, но когда пишу эссе, эти слова редко вспоминаю, надо проработать курс Vocabulary For IELTS. Как видите из моей подписи, спикинг и райтинг на 5.5 в первой попытке, сдаётся мне из-за скудного словарного запаса., 15/1/11 буду сдавать второй раз.

[Южная]

Спасибо!Я эту фишку за собой тоже замечал, вроде все складно получается, но когда пишу эссе, эти слова редко вспоминаю, надо проработать курс Vocabulary For IELTS. Как видите из моей подписи, спикинг и райтинг на 5.5 в первой попытке, сдаётся мне из-за скудного словарного запаса., 15/1/11 буду сдавать второй раз.

Ни пуха! Сама сдаю 15 числа. Чем ближе к экзамену, тем больше мандраж

[Maimiti_Isabella]

An Australian colleague is going to your country for a conference. He/she will spend several days in your home town and has written a letter to you asking for advice about thing to see and do there/
Write a letter to the colleague suggesting what should see and do while he /she is in your home town.



Dear Mike.

I’m alright and what is about you? I’m glad to know that you will go to conference in Moscow. As for you advise, there are a lot of places to see and to visit. If I have a time I’ll try to make a company to you.
There are a lot of interesting places which you should visit. At first, you should go to the Red Square, it is the heart of Moscow and Russia. At second, you should see such places like the Moscow Underground, many stations are historically important and very beautiful, the State Tret’yakov Gallery – museum of art where are many pictures collected. You also can walk such streets like Arbat, Prechistinka, Tverskaya.
There is a lot of entertainment in Russian Capital. You can visit Moscow ZOO, Circus and the VDNKh. There are many places where you can play billiards or bowling. If the weather is fine you can order an excursion on boat along the River-Moscow.

I hope I’ll have free time to meet you. We’ll be able to discuss some business questions and spend time together in friendly atmosphere. You can reach me +79264336655.

Yours Sincerely,
Dmitry

Gush, а вот Вы попробуйте сказать то же самое на русском и 'послушайте' себя - Вам понравится если Вы получите такое письмо?

Вам человек пишет письмо (не деловое!) с просьбой подсказать что и где посмотреть, а Вы отвечаете, 'я в порядке, а ты?'. Ведь гораздо логичнее сказать, что я рад, что ты приезжаешь, у нас есть что посмотреть.
Пойдем далее: хорошо, что ты приезжаешь, но я не знаю будет ли у меня время с тобой встретиться, а если и встретимся, то поговорим о делах. Его же не интересуют дела с вами, он едет на конференцию и между делом город хочет посмотреть, и попросив совет надеeтся, что Вы ему покажете город, хотя бы немного.

С точки зрения английского письма, Ваша письмо звучит: ну и приезжай, а я здесь причем. Видеть тебя не желаю и вообще отойди и не приставай


Из бросающихся в глаза ошибок в первой же строках: know vs. learn and go vs. come

Dear Mike,
I'm so happy/glad you're coming to Moscow for a conference! How long is it going to last? I hope you will have enough free time (note: no article before 'time') to enjoy sightseeing not only afterhours but also during daytime. There are so much to see in Moscow! As far as I remember, you are into Arts, right? So a visit to the State Tretyakov (note the spelling!) Gallery is simply a must as it's home to a great collection of Russian Art. etc

I hope I will/ I'll be able to get a couple of days off to take you around. In any case, I expect you for dinner at my place at least once. My wife is a great cook and she will treat you to some typical Russian food.

Here's my mobile number so do call me when you arrive:
blah-blah-blah

Regards, (note: 'yours sincerely' is too formal for this kind of letter as this is not a business letter)

Скореее всего 6-ка.

[gush]

Gush, а вот Вы попробуйте сказать то же самое на русском и 'послушайте' себя - Вам понравится если Вы получите такое письмо?

Вам человек пишет письмо (не деловое!) с просьбой подсказать что и где посмотреть, а Вы отвечаете, 'я в порядке, а ты?'. Ведь гораздо логичнее сказать, что я рад, что ты приезжаешь, у нас есть что посмотреть.
Пойдем далее: хорошо, что ты приезжаешь, но я не знаю будет ли у меня время с тобой встретиться, а если и встретимся, то поговорим о делах. Его же не интересуют дела с вами, он едет на конференцию и между делом город хочет посмотреть, и попросив совет надеeтся, что Вы ему покажете город, хотя бы немного.

С точки зрения английского письма, Ваша письмо звучит: ну и приезжай, а я здесь причем. Видеть тебя не желаю и вообще отойди и не приставай


Из бросающихся в глаза ошибок в первой же строках: know vs. learngo vs. come

Dear Mike,
I'm so happy/glad you're coming to Moscow for a conference! How long is it going to last? I hope you will have enough free time (note: no article before 'time') to enjoy sightseeing not only afterhours but also during daytime. There are so much to see in Moscow! As far as I remember, you are into Arts, right? So a visit to the State Tretyakov (note the spelling!)

I hope I will/ I'll be able to get a couple of days off to take you around. In any case, I expect you for dinner at my place at least once. My wife is a great cook and she will treat you to some typical Russian food.

Here's my mobile number so do call me when you arrive:
blah-blah-blah

Regards, (note: 'yours sincerely' is too formal for this kind of letter as this is not a business letter)

Скореее всего 6-ка. and Gallery is simply a must as it's home to a great collection of Russian Art. etc

Спасибо!Очень полезные советы! Но я хотел бы сказать, что меня сбило с толку. Я начал писать официальное письмо, так как в заголовке было сказано, что приезжает коллега. Отсюда следует, что возможно я и не виделся с ним ни разу. И знаком только по работе. Или стоит ориентироваться на то, что вопрос носит частный характер? Мысль у меня была написать более неформально, но смутило то, что коллега. Можно ли было написать письмо более формально, так как я и сделал? Или в любом случае стоило писать так как в вашем примере?

[gush]

и ещё разок

Скажите, пожалуйста, на какую оценку можно претендовать с таким эссе и укажите на основные ошибки!Заранее спасибо!

The average British child between the age of 4 and 15 watches more than 20 hour of television a week. Studies show she/he only spend 7 hour per week on physical exercise.
How does this compare with the situation in your country? How can parents make sure children get enough exercise?

That’s a matter of the fact that television is more significant for people, especially for children than sports activities. Everybody knows that it is more simple to watch cartoons, different shows or movies than to run, to swim, to play hockey or football. Motionless leads to many problems: children can get lumpy, unhealthy and unattractive shape, their skeletons and muscles can be undeveloped, their vision can be injured. There is the same problem in Russia as in the Great Britain. Nevertheless there are some ways to solute these problems.

At first, child can go to sport school or sport class. Parents can send their child to sport class such as junior hockey or football team or go to swimming-pools where he/she will be controlled by coach. Parents will be able to get information from the coach about children’s achievements, visits or any problems which are connected with child.

At second, parents can go for sport with their children and show them proper example. Parents can involve their kids in sport. Children can be offered to run on mornings or swim some times a week together. It is good idea to play football together, ride horses, ski or skate. Parents are more experienced and they can show some technique and tricks. It helps relatives to become more closer and to develop the conception of team-building. Moreover, there is no problem at all how to find out how much athletics did their kids.

To conclude, it is worldwide problem that children choose blue screens than sport. To possess data about their children’s activities the second type of sport development is better. It is less professional while it is more available and more popular. The first advantage is that parents can always control how much their children get exercise. The second is that they can spend a lot of free time together.