My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Кровосися]

2 flame flowers
as centers of the cities having been densely built-over - неправильно построено предложение;
to the residential area - мне кажется, что артикль a, тут более уместен;
While many locals of these areas do not approve of the huge building - просто big buildings. или вместо approve: to be displeased with - это получше будет
One of the most important reasons - просто the most important reason is
the shopping centers - не нужен артикль
conducts detailed market research - пропустили a; conducts - ведет, в смысле? лучше makes
whether consumer needs in this district are large enough to provide financial stability of the project in the future - ???
restraunts - a restaurant;
low- to high-qualification personal - low or highly-qualified staff;
Due to big park area - a выпустили;
building of a large shopping center - не нужен предлог;
well-development infrastructure - well-developed
Мне кажется, что появление новых рабочих мест, и маркетингвые/финансовые исследования компании строить/не строить шоппинг молл, не может быть плюсом для жителей района, так как Вам и другим людям абсолютно фиолетово на затраты компании и на зп, и к-во персонала работающего в нем. Лучше распишите, как классно будет Вам проводить там время, что там будет все что захочешь: салоны, кинотеатры, магазины и бутики и т.д.
Но это моя точка зрения, и она Вас ни к чему не обязывает.))))))
Знающие еще понаходят ошибки, но я повыделял места, где есть серьезные недоработки, которые требуют немного повторения.

[flameflower]

Кровосися, спасибо за проверку, но не могли бы вы подробней пояснить в чем ошибка в as centers of the cities having been densely built-over это было употребление Passive Perfect participle?

Уважаемые гуру форма посмотрите эссе на структуру и содержание, пожалуйста.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Уважаемые форумчане, посмотрите эссе, пожалуйста. Я не гуманитарий, а нужна 7, подскажите в какую сторону направить усилия

В дополнение к уже сказанному...

Я думаю, что данное эссе на 7 - 7.5 тянет. The essay organisation and paragraph structure are OK, and your vocab is quite good as well. Your sentences are mostly well developed. One of the obvious drawbacks is the lack of modality (could/would/might/ it is possible, it is likely, etc). Your essay topic also allows you to show off your English by using 2nd conditionals. Unfortunately, you didn't take this opportunity

С точки зрения проблем - некоторые предложения 'накручены' и, следовательно, звучат неественно. например, Nowadays as centers of the cities having been densely built-over совершенно не нуждается в Present Perfect, так как Nowadays указывает на настоящее время. И что имеется ввиду под built-over?

It might give an opportunity for people in the neighborhood to find a decent job near their home saving time on commuting.
1) What does 'it' refer to?
2. ... near their home, (comma!) saving time
or .... near their home and save time ...

most demands of its dwellers -whose dwellers?

workplaces -> job opportunities

Due to big park area -?

Moreover, the plans for rest there will not be spoiled by bad weather. - no idea what you're talking about.

и да, достаточно много ошибок с употреблением артиклей.

personal -> personnel

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем доброе время суток. Через пару недель сдаю IELTS, надо подтянуть writing...сегодня впервые написал эссе. Проверьте:

2 серьезные проблемы в организации эссе:
1. оно не отвечает на вопрос задания. Т.е. Вы вроде все говорите правильно, но не по делу.
2. 3-ий абзац вообще непонятно о чем.

Какой балл Вам нужен? - данное эссе скорее всего тянет на 6 максимум

[flameflower]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо за проверку, будем работать))

[DuneWarrior]

Доброй ночи соучастники
Написал первое в своей жизни эссе, стараясь придерживаться правил. Признаюсь, писал более 2-х часов . Просто интересно, как бы вы оценили моё "творение", хотелось бы получить некую отправную точку.

Theme: The number of eldery people in the world is encreasing. What do you think are the positive and negative effects of this trend.

Essay:
Nowadays it is obvious that percentage of elderly people is growing every year. Especially these tendencies begin to appear in developed countries which provide the higher level of life for their people.

Firstly, the increase of elders can be explained by growth of people age and the modern medicine plays significant role in this trend. Billions are spent every year for inventions in this area and the level of medical care has been amazingly improved since last century. So the mankind forgot about lot of diseases which provoked epidemics a hundred year ago and killed thousands of weak people particularly elder and younger.

Secondly, the better labor conditions, healthy food and ecological environment also influences on our bodies and as a result on our life’s length. Usually, all these conditions are normal standards in developed countries where governments lead wide and rational social work. In other hand this work requires a huge funding, so the taxes there are bigger than in other countries.
By the time this trend has also few negative effects. First of all the mankind becomes elder in a while. It means that in near future we will have a fewer working people than others who requires the social assistance. In this case, I suppose, the taxes will be growing.

Also this problem arises because young couples prefer to have only one child than few of them. It tendency can be explained because it begin to be more and more expensive to grow child and give him an education.

In conclusion, I hope the governments will provide more accurate social work, so it will increase the number of children and part of elders will became smaller.

[Bekzod]

Доброго времени суток. Прошу проверить эссе

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

In human history there were a lot of great people, from scientists to kings, because of whose actions , which occurred in the past, the picture of the contemporary world is based upon them and such persons still present among us. The questions whether people are born talented or they acquire it from childhood remains as a source of vivid disputes among all walks of life. However, it is likely that anyone can become talented in the chosen field and this kind of point of view is based on the following grounds.

First of all, it is necessary to point out in a nutshell who has become successful, through working hard and learning the ins and outs of their activity. For instance, programmers who left their university and did their favorite job, nevertheless some of them are very popular persons and even billionaires. Another example would be sportsmen and women, who spent all their days training, also musicians are not an exception. A person cannot just become successful by doing nothing.

In addition, the other side of this debate claims the contrary of the aforesaid. People usually asses other individuals’ achievements rather, performing actions themselves. Those kinds of people justify that the successful persons are gifted, thus discouraging their opportunities. However there can be exclusions to some extent, furthermore such cases are observed rarely.

Last but not least, if to look at the life of famous sportsmen or musicians, it is obvious that all of them developed their skills from their childhood. Some of them took interest in their future profession themselves and in other cases their parents guided them. The common action they performed was struggling towards their dream.

On the whole, one may conclude that, in order to achieve success, a person has to work hard. No pains, no gains that’s what the proverb says. A man is the architecture of his own fortune, however people understand it late.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Доброй ночи соучастники
Написал первое в своей жизни эссе, стараясь придерживаться правил. Признаюсь, писал более 2-х часов . Просто интересно, как бы вы оценили моё "творение", хотелось бы получить некую отправную точку.

Theme: The number of eldery people in the world is encreasing. What do you think are the positive and negative effects of this trend.

Essay:
Nowadays it is obvious that percentage of elderly people is growing every year. Especially these tendencies begin to appear in developed countries which provide the higher level of life for their people.

Firstly, the increase of elders can be explained by growth of people age and the modern medicine plays significant role in this trend. Billions are spent every year for inventions in this area and the level of medical care has been amazingly improved since last century. So the mankind forgot about lot of diseases which provoked epidemics a hundred year ago and killed thousands of weak people particularly elder and younger.

Secondly, the better labor conditions, healthy food and ecological environment also influences on our bodies and as a result on our life’s length. Usually, all these conditions are normal standards in developed countries where governments lead wide and rational social work. In other hand this work requires a huge funding, so the taxes there are bigger than in other countries.
By the time this trend has also few negative effects. First of all the mankind becomes elder in a while. It means that in near future we will have a fewer working people than others who requires the social assistance. In this case, I suppose, the taxes will be growing.

Also this problem arises because young couples prefer to have only one child than few of them. It tendency can be explained because it begin to be more and more expensive to grow child and give him an education.

In conclusion, I hope the governments will provide more accurate social work, so it will increase the number of children and part of elders will became smaller.

Сразу несколько замечаний общего характера.
Самая главная ошибка - несоответствие Conclusion теме эссе. Т.е. сразу же можете вычитать points из общей суммы.

Второе, Вам надо позаниматься по одной из книг Vocabulary for IELTS, так как слова и выражения Вы употребляете зачастую неправильные. С грамматикой тоже есть проблемы, то не такие серьезные. Так что параллельно можно заниматься и по Cambridge Grammar for IELTS.

Далее, проблемы с артиклями.

И последнее из 'общего' - смотрите bolded text. Все-таки, когда пишите, надо думать о смысле. Прошлое столетие 'случилось' всего 10-11 лет назад! Таким образом, Вы потеряете points за логику выражения мыслей.

Теперь некоторые ошибки
elderly vs. elders
expensive to grow child - Вы когда выращиваете детей, Вы их водичкой поливаете или сахарным раствором? grow vs. raise/bring up/rear/nurture
only one child than few of them. Than употребляется для сравнения adjectives and adverbs. ->rahter than
few vs. a few

Общее впечатление - 6. До 7-ки - it's a long way to go. Sorry.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Доброго времени суток. Прошу проверить эссе .

I'm really, really sorry but ... Половина предложений - это бессмысленный набор слов.

[DuneWarrior]

Сразу несколько замечаний общего характера.
Самая главная ошибка - несоответствие Conclusion теме эссе. Т.е. сразу же можете вычитать points из общей суммы.

Второе, Вам надо позаниматься по одной из книг Vocabulary for IELTS, так как слова и выражения Вы употребляете зачастую неправильные. С грамматикой тоже есть проблемы, то не такие серьезные. Так что параллельно можно заниматься и по Cambridge Grammar for IELTS.

Далее, проблемы с артиклями.

И последнее из 'общего' - смотрите bolded text. Все-таки, когда пишите, надо думать о смысле. Прошлое столетие 'случилось' всего 10-11 лет назад! Таким образом, Вы потеряете points за логику выражения мыслей.

Теперь некоторые ошибки
elderly vs. elders
expensive to grow child - Вы когда выращиваете детей, Вы их водичкой поливаете или сахарным раствором? grow vs. raise/bring up/rear/nurture
only one child than few of them. Than употребляется для сравнения adjectives and adverbs. ->rahter than
few vs. a few

Общее впечатление - 6. До 7-ки - it's a long way to go. Sorry.

Спасибо вам за содержательный и полезный ответ. Да действительно многое я упустил. Но собственно на большую оценку я сейчас и не рассчитывал. Буду работать. Ещё раз спасибо.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо вам за содержательный и полезный ответ. Да действительно многое я упустил. Но собственно на большую оценку я сейчас и не рассчитывал. Буду работать. Ещё раз спасибо.

У Вас есть база, с точки зрения грамматики и словарного запаса, это видно. Надо просто развивать английский. Хотя, на самом деле, это совсем непросто

[Shtuchka]

Hi to everyone!
I've passed the exam in april for necessary score (6), but now the conditions were changed and I need 7. So, I will be very grateful if you check my essay)))

Damage to environment is an inevitable consequence of the improvement in the standard of living. To what degree do you agree or disagree to this position?


Due to advancement of technologies, our lifestyle and habits change every day, as a result we can follow irreversible changes in surrounding environment. Some people guess that it is a normal process and we can do anything to stop it. But their opponents suppose that resent ecological situation is a reflection of our activity, in which each of us is driving force. I personally agree with last statement and suspect that human’s affect on environment is obvious.
First of all, because of permanent progress in all spheres, new technologies and devices come to our lives, moreover some of them become the things which we use every day. For example, the simple air-deodorant - mean to care about ourselves, which we use very common and believe that it absolutely safety and useful for us. However, sprays are harmful for an atmosphere, especially in huge amount.
Second of all, it is not a secret for everyone that the human is a main source of damage for our environment. The usual example of un-ecological behaviour is a picnic on the park where people relax, make a barbeque and sometimes do not care to pick up all garbage after themselves. So, environmental loss ac be the ramification of traditional event – picnic or walking on the park together with irresponsible manners of some people.
Taking into account all mentioned above, it is for sure that our lifestyle is full of different activity, that can affect us and environment. Furthermore, this question for someone is still controversial and open for debate, but strong conclusion will lead to solving the problem.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Hi to everyone!
I've passed the exam in april for necessary score (6), but now the conditions were changed and I need 7. So, I will be very grateful if you check my essay)))

Damage to environment is an inevitable consequence of the improvement in the standard of living. To what degree do you agree or disagree to this position?

Как другие не знаю, но я даже не читаю те эссе, где тема изначально сформулирована с ошибками, т.е., простите, 'левая'. Либо исправьте ошибки в теме, либо ждите пока кто-нибудь проверит в режиме as is

[Shtuchka]

Sorry for uncorrect formulation. That is my mistake, I do not read the task attentively, just catch main idea.
Damage to environment is an inevitable consequence of the improvement in the standard of living.To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?


Due to advancement of technologies, our lifestyle and habits change every day, as a result we can follow irreversible changes in surrounding environment. Some people guess that it is a normal process and we can do anything to stop it. But their opponents suppose that resent ecological situation is a reflection of our activity, in which each of us is driving force. I personally agree with last statement and suspect that human’s affect on environment is obvious.

First of all, because of permanent progress in all spheres, new technologies and devices come to our lives, moreover some of them become the things which we use every day. For example, the simple air-deodorant - mean to care about ourselves, which we use very common and believe that it absolutely safety and useful for us. However, sprays are harmful for an atmosphere, especially in huge amount.

Second of all, it is not a secret for everyone that the human is a main source of damage for our environment. The usual example of un-ecological behaviour is a picnic on the park where people relax, make a barbeque and sometimes do not care to pick up all garbage after themselves. So, environmental loss ac be the ramification of traditional event – picnic or walking on the park together with irresponsible manners of some people.

Taking into account all mentioned above, it is for sure that our lifestyle is full of different activity, that can affect us and environment. Furthermore, this question for someone is still controversial and open for debate, but strong conclusion will lead to solving the problem.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Sorry for uncorrect formulation. That is my mistake, I do not read the task attentively, just catch main idea.
Damage to environment is an inevitable consequence of the improvement in the standard of living.To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?


Due to advancement of technologies, our lifestyle and habits change every day, as a result we can follow irreversible changes in surrounding environment. Some people guess that it is a normal process and we can do anything to stop it. But their opponents suppose that resent ecological situation is a reflection of our activity, in which each of us is driving force. I personally agree with last statement and suspect that human’s affect on environment is obvious.

First of all, because of permanent progress in all spheres, new technologies and devices come to our lives, moreover some of them become the things which we use every day. For example, the simple air-deodorant - mean to care about ourselves, which we use very common and believe that it absolutely safety and useful for us. However, sprays are harmful for an atmosphere, especially in huge amount. .

Я дочитала до конца второго абзаца - дальше нет сил читать эти штампы и клише. Sorry. На них можно достичь 6-ки, если очень повезет 6.5, но никак ни 7. А Ваш английксий, простите, не настолько хорош, чтобы надеяться на штампы.

Из наиболее серьезных проблем на данном этапе - русские запятые. Вам необходимо разобраться с правилами пунктуации, i.e. commas in English. To start with, read about a comma splice. Я уже давала ссылки на правила пунктуации, и даже загрузила файл. Поищите по моему имени.

кстати, to what extent, not extend!

Possible IELTS score for this essay - 6.