My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[gush]

Dear Sir/Madam.
I am writing to you concerning some books I took at your library on 21 October 2010 and had to bring them back until 31 October 2010. Theseof another one.
books are “Cujo” by Steven King and “Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens. A catalog number of the first book is 14478 and 8956
Unfortunately, I must inform you that I will not be able to return them before this day. My brother has fallen ill and I had to leave Moscow urgently.
As a result, I will be able to bring the books only on 5 November 2010. It is a day when I -come back to Moscow. Nevertheless, if it is necessary for you to get these books earlier, I could send them using ground delivery service.

I apologize for inconveniences which you have got from me. Moreover, I believe this situation will not occur again.
For any questions you can contact me on my cell phone number: +79264336655.
Yours Faithfully
Gushchin Dmitry

Спасибо большое!Как считаете, какой оценки достойна такая работа? Насколько принципиальны эти ошибки?

[vnikitin]

Спасибо большое!Как считаете, какой оценки достойна такая работа? Насколько принципиальны эти ошибки?

Не за что!

Да и это не столько ошибки были, сколько "украшения".

Использование этих фраз дополнительные полбалла даст

Если в целом, то около 6, думаю, будет.

Опять же, тема весьма простая, поэтому сложно оценить Ваш словарный запас или какие-то конструкции.

Вот если эссе выставите, там будет уже понятнее

Да и оценка от эссе больше всего зависит

[Kposin]

Уважаемая vnikitin, а почему у Вас мужской ник?

[Mira_n]

"Prevention is better than cure."

"Prevention is better than cure."
Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to
spending on health education and preventative measures.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Once you arrive in the hospital you are defeated, and the disease takes you over. Some diseases that strike the human body (people) are the long-term ramifications of poor lifestyle choices or ignorance of risks of deceases. Thus, no one can deny or raise any objection to the fact that it is essential to drive more attention to precautionary measures so the risks of succumbing to different diseases can be reduced. A reasonable question is raced: should government heath funding be gradually reversed in favour of prevention, rather than treatment.

In some cases preventative measures for employees will serve the purpose for the government. For a example, if a person falls ill due to a seasonal flu or a stroke, it means that during the time of his absence from work he will not produce any commodities, or deliver any services that could be sold by the company for profit as a result the government will not receive any taxes. That is why in some cases it is more advantageous to promote precautionary measures within the workforce. In the case of flu it may be useful to promote immunity development especially at dangerous times of the year. To prevent serious deceases such as stroke or coronary heart disease healthy lifestyles should be cultivated.

However, there are cases when preventative measures do not guarantee immunity, therefore treatment of serious illnesses is inevitable. For example, a new strain of virus may develop into an epidemic, or a form of cancer may spread. Research of any diseases, the reason for which is not yet established, should be subsidized by the government.

It appears to me that revision in health funding is definitely required, and a new mathematical model formulated. This would take into account all factors and statistic, which would we a rigorous task for mathematicians.

Вот ещё одно моё "сочинение".

[vnikitin]

Уважаемая vnikitin, а почему у Вас мужской ник?

Хороший вопрос, все чаще его сама себе задаю )))

У меня просто раньше е-мейл такой был, в университете в Германии фиксированное количество букв перед собачкой, а принцип был таков: первая буква имени + сколько получится букв фамилии )))
Вот так вот и потерялась главная буковка

И здесь то же самое....

Но, думаю, что по моему стилю общения и многочисленным смайлам многие понимают, что я

[gtoturbo69]

Попытка №2
Сейчас пишу конкретно в установленные временные рамки, поэтому хотелось бы еще услышать чего конкретно мне не хватает, над чем поработать. В принципе успевать стал нормально.

Most education systems rely on examination systems rely on examinations to encourage children to study, but as a result children suffer from too much stress and they never learn to be creative. Terefore examinations should be abolished. Do you agree?

In the modern world most of children have to pass exams, which is considered to be the most convenient way to evaluate knowledge given to them. There are many opinions on that. Some people believe that it only makes pupils nervous and agressive while preparing to exams. Others think that this system is the only way to check if student really understand this or that subject. Therefore there are many arguments for and against these methods of control, but I will take the point of those who disapproves examinations.

It is known that strict range of time for accomplishing any kind of work is followed by stress of worker, especially those not experienced yet. The same situation can be observed in schools and universities. Because of strict demands from faculties, children have to experience stressful situations from the very beginning of studying. But this system is not flawless as it is seemed from the educational point of view. History know many talented people that failed exams in school,but now they are successful businessmen. Moreover, great discomfort of responsibility before parents' expectations makes children nervous and in most cases it appeared to be the only reason why their answers happened to be absolutely wrong and sometimes senseless. Many students say that everything they learn by heart before exams is most likely will be forgotten by the time they enter an examination room.

Nevertheless, there is a point that this system seems to be the best to evaluate one's skills. The way that questions are set is aimed to check one's ability to think in short period of time and be able to choose right variant among very similar ones. That trains future specialists to be mobile, which is very demanded quality in modern job market. It helps people to organize their experience in the way libraries set books on shelves, which makes easier to find the right one.

However, examination system shouldn't be removed, but must be improved. Psychologists could be helpful here giving advices how to manage the process in the most comfortable way and how to diminish stress felt by students. Preparing good specialists is a hard task and government must pay more attention on that.

Заранее спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

"Prevention is better than cure."
Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to
spending on health education and preventative measures.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Из какой книги по подготовке к IELTS эта тема?

[KabaN]

И я вот накорябал... Из книги Cambridge IELTS 7, первая тема по Task 2 writting.

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There are different believes in people about talent. Some are convinced that the real talent is a gift of our Lord or nature, while others argue that this is not everything and a hard work could and will benefits either with sport or music. In my opinion both points of view have a reasonable support in facts to correctly represent respective sides of the reality.

A number of world-wide famous musicians convince us that a talent is something extraordinar, above understanding of people. Indeed, it is extremely difficult to argue, or even find some “contras”, against undoubtedly gifted e.g., Mozart, Musorgski or Rahmaninov. They were born geniuses and they proved it by their lives, bringing in our world of chaos a few words of unforgettable(?) harmony.

However, there are also a strong evidence that favours more pragmatic side of talent – a combination of a hard work and a sincere interest. People who devote their lives to achievement of their goal often reach very impressive results in sport, music or science. Such people achieving success almost exclusively by their own work. Alber Einstein is one of the best example of such self-made geniuses, who made himself and became famous in his mature ages.

Putting together argumentation and examples of both points of view, one can find out that there is no strict rules on how a talent may show itself in people. Naturally, gifted young people have a plenty of time to develop yourself and become famous, while others spend a lot of time on just finding their own strengths.

[ATALI_ocean]

[QUOTE=KabaN;1650843]И я вот накорябал...

Some few misspelling - There are different believes - I assume should be [beliefs] also I am not sure about right spelling of names, Albert (?)
a hard work could and will benefits... weird construction could and will? maybe could and would (more logical for me)...
In my opinion both points of view.... too "over-worded" in my opinion both.. (no need to repeat points of view) the same in end <Putting together argumentation and examples of both points of view> could be better if replaced to something more simple (in conclusion) or it is a lit heavy...

generally, essay was easy to read, was logic, but I think you will get high score if u give in support of each idea min 2 statements.
sequences of information and ideas logical- so normally score can be 7 and higher. also did u calculate how many words u had?
good luck

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Попытка №2
Сейчас пишу конкретно в установленные временные рамки, поэтому хотелось бы еще услышать чего конкретно мне не хватает, над чем поработать. В принципе успевать стал нормально.

Most education systems rely on examination systems rely on examinations to encourage children to study, but as a result children suffer from too much stress and they never learn to be creative. Terefore examinations should be abolished. Do you agree?

In the modern world most of (cut) children have to pass exams, which is considered to be the most convenient way to evaluate knowledge given to them. There are many opinions on that. Some people believe that it only makes pupils nervous and agressive while preparing to (for) exams. Others think that this system is the only way to check if student really understand this or that (the) subject. Therefore(comma) there are many arguments for and against these (which ones?) methods of control, but I will take the point of (support/ agree with) those who disapproves (of)examinations.

Your essay is 367 words long. Do you mean you managed to write all these under test conditions?
If I were the test marker, I would stop reading after 300. I can understand 367 from a native or near-native speaker of English but generally speaking for people who are struggling to get 7 this is not a good idea at all!

It is known that strict range of time for accomplishing any kind of work is followed by stress of worker, especially those not experienced yet.

The sentence above doesn't make sense at all. I wish I could understand what you are talking about!

Psychologists could be helpful here giving advices

'advice' is uncountable. If you need to stress the plurality, use 'pieces of advice'

[gtoturbo69]

Your essay is 367 words long. Do you mean you managed to write all these under test conditions?
If I were the test marker, I would stop reading after 300. I can understand 367 from a native or near-native speaker of English but generally speaking for people who are struggling to get 7 this is not a good idea at all!

The sentence above doesn't make sense at all. I wish I could understand what you are talking about!

'advice' is uncountable. If you need to stress the plurality, use 'pieces of advice'

Yes I managed to do it under time conditions. But what is approximate band for that essay, except that fact that it is too long? I mean grammaticaly and structurally etc.

[KabaN]

[QUOTE=ATALI_ocean;1651021]

И я вот накорябал...

Some few misspelling - There are different believes - I assume should be [beliefs] also I am not sure about right spelling of names, Albert (?)
a hard work could and will benefits... weird construction could and will? maybe could and would (more logical for me)...
In my opinion both points of view.... too "over-worded" in my opinion both.. (no need to repeat points of view) the same in end <Putting together argumentation and examples of both points of view> could be better if replaced to something more simple (in conclusion) or it is a lit heavy...

generally, essay was easy to read, was logic, but I think you will get high score if u give in support of each idea min 2 statements.
sequences of information and ideas logical- so normally score can be 7 and higher. also did u calculate how many words u had?
good luck

Пишу от руки и потом без исправлений в Word. Он кажет 259 слов - маловато, да.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Yes I managed to do it under time conditions. But what is approximate band for that essay, except that fact that it is too long? I mean grammaticaly and structurally etc.

Very difficult to judge because the second para is an absolute mess and at times almost impossible to understand. I think overall would be 6.5 but as I said if I were an IELTS marker I would turn to somebody else for the second (or even third) opinion, and this is exactly what they do in difficult situations.

[gtoturbo69]

Very difficult to judge because the second para is an absolute mess and at times almost impossible to understand. I think overall would be 6.5 but as I said if I were an IELTS marker I would turn to somebody else for the second (or even third) opinion, and this is exactly what they do in difficult situations.

Спасибо, буду иметь ввиду

[ATALI_ocean]

[QUOTE=KabaN;1652342]

Пишу от руки и потом без исправлений в Word. Он кажет 259 слов - маловато, да.

совсем не маловато..норма же 250, так что 259 идеально. молодец, что пишите от руки. удачи.