My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[dinamitt]

Всем привет! Я тут новенькая и я только-только учусь писать сочинения на IELTS. Проверьте пожалуйста мой WRITING TASK 1

Задание: The diagram below shows how the Australian Bureau of Meteorology collects up-to-the-minute information on the weather in order to produce reliable forcasts.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

Поехали...

Weather forecast plays a big role nowadays as people want to know what clothes they must wear the next day.

The system of weather prediction consists of four steps which I will describe below.

First of all, the information must be gathered. Weather chart makers get it from such sourses as satellites in the space, radars on the earth and drifting buoys on the sea.

Second of all, the most important part of forecasts must be done - specialists wok with photos taken by space apparatuses, look at images given by radiolocation devices and research diagrams and charts. Considering all above-mentioned, scientists make their deduction which will be sent to the computers. it is the third step on the way of getting accurate weather news.

Computer is responsible for giving a form to picked-up information which would be easy to assimilate for recievers.

The fourth last step is announce the results of meteorological work by means of mass media to people, who the work was being done for.

Слов 167

Не получилось ли сочинение суховатым (мой препод настаивает на том, что нельзя добавлять никаких эмоций от себя, чисто факты расписать) и правда, что перефраза играет большую роль?

Заранее спасибо всем, кто потратил на меня свое время. Жду объективной критики!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем привет! Я тут новенькая и я только-только учусь писать сочинения на IELTS. Проверьте пожалуйста мой WRITING TASK 1

Задание: The diagram below shows how the Australian Bureau of Meteorology collects up-to-the-minute information on the weather in order to produce reliable forcasts.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

Поехали...

Weather forecast plays a big role nowadays as people want to know what clothes they must wear the next day.

Вас report просили написать, с describing the information shown below, а Вы, пардон, сочинение на вольную тему написали.

[dinamitt]

Вас report просили написать, с describing the information shown below, а Вы, пардон, сочинение на вольную тему написали.

Долго думала над тем, что вы могли иметь в виду и решила, что я наверное ничего не понимаю! В задании была представлена схема, показывающая как происходит прогнозирование погоды и моя задача была описать этот процесс шаг за шагом.

Может вы поподробнее напишите, что не так, а то я совсем запуталась

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Долго думала над тем, что вы могли иметь в виду и решила, что я наверное ничего не понимаю! В задании была представлена схема, показывающая как происходит прогнозирование погоды и моя задача была описать этот процесс шаг за шагом.

Может вы поподробнее напишите, что не так, а то я совсем запуталась

Тогда 'пойдем другим путем'.
1. Мой комментарий остается в силе as far as the first sentence is concerned. - никакого отношения к заданию это предложение не имеет.
2. Вступления к заданию (Introduction) я так и не нашла. Второе предложение можно назавать лишь началом с началу
3. Свое отношение к первому, второму, третьему и двадцать седьмому я уже высказала в комментариях к пред. постам (не Вашим, естественно). За это Вам оценку не только не поднимут, но еще и как бы не снизили - бедный словарный запас.
4. Computer is responsible for giving a form to picked-up information which would be easy to assimilate for recievers - вообще ничего не поняла. Простите.
5. The fourth last step is announce the results of meteorological work by means of mass media to people, who the work was being done for.
В этом предложении 'страдает' sentence structure. Оценку могут снизить как за ошибки так и за readability.
6. - which I will describe below не несет никакой смысловой нагрузки, поэтому непонятно зачем оно вообще здесь.
7. Вас просили написать для профессора университета, а Вы - про одежду. Безусловно, это уход от ответа на вопрос, а, следовательно, вместе с совершенно неподходящим вступлением, и есть 'сочинение на вольную тему'.
8. Каким образом First of и all Second of all (а что это вообще такое?) connected? - я как-то не вижу никаих отношений между ними, т.е. нет здесь никаких причинно-следственных отношений, а есть 2 независимых друг от друга activities.

Все остальное - трудно судить не видя диаграмму.

А в общем - Вы в начале пути, поэтому для совершенства нет предела. Со временем 'набьете руку', и будете такие вещи выдавать не задумываясь.

Успехов.

[dinamitt]

Тогда 'пойдем другим путем'.
1. Мой комментарий остается в силе as far as the first sentence is concerned. - никакого отношения к заданию это предложение не имеет.
2. Вступления к заданию (Introduction) я так и не нашла. Второе предложение можно назавать лишь началом с началу
3. Свое отношение к первому, второму, третьему и двадцать седьмому я уже высказала в комментариях к пред. постам (не Вашим, естественно). За это Вам оценку не только не поднимут, но еще и как бы не снизили - бедный словарный запас.
4. Computer is responsible for giving a form to picked-up information which would be easy to assimilate for recievers - вообще ничего не поняла. Простите.
5. The fourth last step is announce the results of meteorological work by means of mass media to people, who the work was being done for.
В этом предложении 'страдает' sentence structure. Оценку могут снизить как за ошибки так и за readability.
6. - which I will describe below не несет никакой смысловой нагрузки, поэтому непонятно зачем оно вообще здесь.
7. Вас просили написать для профессора университета, а Вы - про одежду. Безусловно, это уход от ответа на вопрос, а, следовательно, вместе с совершенно неподходящим вступлением, и есть 'сочинение на вольную тему'.
8. Каким образом First of и all Second of all (а что это вообще такое?) connected? - я как-то не вижу никаих отношений между ними, т.е. нет здесь никаких причинно-следственных отношений, а есть 2 независимых друг от друга activities.

Все остальное - трудно судить не видя диаграмму.

А в общем - Вы в начале пути, поэтому для совершенства нет предела. Со временем 'набьете руку', и будете такие вещи выдавать не задумываясь.

Успехов.

Да, вы правы. Спасибо!

[Sveta08]

посмотрите пожалуйста, мое сочинение, жду коментарий, оценок, принимаю любую критику, хочу научится писать эссе хорошо


In many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.
What are your opinion on this?
　
All over the world children try to work. One group of people consider it is useless and others think it is a beneficial experience for them. I believe that it is good then children go to work.
First of all , due to work different qualities develop in children. They learn how to work and at the same time they get such quality as responsibility for what they do. Work organises them. Most children don´t understand their parents, that they have responsibility for the whole family. They earn some money to study their children, to buy products or cloths for them.
Moreover sometimes a child demands expensive toys. They don´t understand not every parents can allow an expensive toys (or computer)to children. When children go to work themselves, they realize all these problems.
For another thing, this work has to be a part-time one. Children should realise adult´s problems, but in spite of it they are still children. They have to study or meet their friends or just have free time for themselves.
Finally, the third but the most important issue. Governments in all countries should control children’s work. It isn´t a secret, that sometimes employers save their money, they exploit children, they pay them less money only because they are children, moreover in many countries it´s illegal to take children to work. However, employers do it, but they pay less. It can be different reasons, why children go to work, for instance , they want to help to their parents, because of financial situation in families. Therefore they have to go at early age for a work. Besides that they want to save up some money for computer or something else. So, a government has to control their work, that they are not exploited and paid less. It has to protect children’s rights.
To conclude, it´s difficult to judge whether work is good or not for children. If children are not exploited, they have enough free time and the government defences their rights, I think that work helps them to be more responsible, independent and good self-organized.

[ОлегТ]

Здравствуй, попробую обьяснить некоторые ошибки
сразу бросается в глаза ошибка по структуре предложений. попробую как можно большее кол предложений пределать, для лучшего звучания. Начнём:
One group of people consider it is useless and others think it is a beneficial experience for them.
лично я не стал бы делить людей на группы, а сказал бы: some people

I believe that it is good then children go to work-здесь неособо понятно что имелось виду, скорее всего высказано мнение в сторону согласия, тогда должно звучать по другому: I believe that it is good for children to have work expirience.

at the same time they get a such quality - пропущено а

Work organises them - лучше избегать таких коротких предложений и присоеденить его к прошедшему- and work expirience makes them organized

They earn some money to study their children- They earn some money so their children could study

sometimes employers save their money, they exploit children-sometimes employers in order to save their money exploit children

they want to help to their parents-they want to help their parents

they have to go at early age for a work-they have to find work at early age

a government-the government

теперь по структуре параграфов: в каждом первом предложении параграфов боди лучше описать одну мысль, а в последующих предложениях её детализировать, что касаеться конклужона, то там просто надо повториться с высказанным утверждением вступительного параграфа, а вы начинаете опять задаваться вопросом хорошо это или плохо
высказал самые грубые ошибки как мне кажеться, может кто то дополнит этот список, а само сочинение я оценил бы на 5,5-6,0

посмотрите пожалуйста, мое сочинение, жду коментарий, оценок, принимаю любую критику, хочу научится писать эссе хорошо


In many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.
What are your opinion on this?
　
All over the world children try to work. One group of people consider it is useless and others think it is a beneficial experience for them. I believe that it is good then children go to work.
First of all , due to work different qualities develop in children. They learn how to work and at the same time they get such quality as responsibility for what they do. Work organises them. Most children don´t understand their parents, that they have responsibility for the whole family. They earn some money to study their children, to buy products or cloths for them.
Moreover sometimes a child demands expensive toys. They don´t understand not every parents can allow an expensive toys (or computer)to children. When children go to work themselves, they realize all these problems.
For another thing, this work has to be a part-time one. Children should realise adult´s problems, but in spite of it they are still children. They have to study or meet their friends or just have free time for themselves.
Finally, the third but the most important issue. Governments in all countries should control children’s work. It isn´t a secret, that sometimes employers save their money, they exploit children, they pay them less money only because they are children, moreover in many countries it´s illegal to take children to work. However, employers do it, but they pay less. It can be different reasons, why children go to work, for instance , they want to help to their parents, because of financial situation in families. Therefore they have to go at early age for a work. Besides that they want to save up some money for computer or something else. So, a government has to control their work, that they are not exploited and paid less. It has to protect children’s rights.
To conclude, it´s difficult to judge whether work is good or not for children. If children are not exploited, they have enough free time and the government defences their rights, I think that work helps them to be more responsible, independent and good self-organized.

[Sveta08]

ОлегТ, спасибо! учту ваши замечания

[Grifffin]

посмотрите пожалуйста, мое сочинение, жду коментарий, оценок, принимаю любую критику, хочу научится писать эссе хорошо


In many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.
What are your opinion on this?

Сочинение построено неграмотно по структуре. В принципе можно использовать 4 параграфа/довода но это уже излишнее. Теперь по пунктам:

1. Введение

Думаю что не стоит в ведении "явно" говорить о своей точке зрения (I believe that it is good then children go to work). Лучше что-нибудь типа:

On this essay I will try to discuss advantages of children work.

2. Первый довод.

Начало в общем-то нормально (я имею в виду структуру). Только затем следует следующий кусок,

Most children don´t understand their parents, that they have responsibility for the whole family. They earn some money to study their children, to buy products or cloths for them.

который совершенно не соответствует содержанию параграфа. Нужно продолжать развивать начатое (в начале параграфа)

3 Второй довод

Moreover sometimes a child demands expensive toys. They don´t understand not every parents can allow an expensive toys (or computer)to children. When children go to work themselves, they realize all these problems.

Первое предложение параграфа должна выражать тезис/идею. У вас он приблизительно следующий:
Moreover, children earn money and they can buy some expensive toys such as computer or mountain bike.

4 Третий довод

For another thing, this work has to be a part-time one. Children should realise adult´s problems, but in spite of it they are still children. They have to study or meet their friends or just have free time for themselves.

Параграф неправильный. Тут нужно вводить и описывать очередную идею (типа: дети приобретают опыт работы который может потом пригодиться в их карьере) и развивать ее. А у вас идут рекомендации по улучшению детских условий труда и выражение жалости к "бедным детям".

5 Четвертый довод. (для эссе в 250 слов совершенно лишний)

Finally, the third but the most important issue. Governments in all countries should control children’s work. It isn´t a secret, that sometimes employers save their money, they exploit children, they pay them less money only because they are children, moreover in many countries it´s illegal to take children to work. However, employers do it, but they pay less. It can be different reasons, why children go to work, for instance , they want to help to their parents, because of financial situation in families. Therefore they have to go at early age for a work. Besides that they want to save up some money for computer or something else. So, a government has to control their work, that they are not exploited and paid less. It has to protect children’s rights.

Как писал выше это лишний пораграф в данной структуре эссе. Да и содержание его также не соответствует требуемому. У вас в одном эссе поместились два маленьких. Первое (1 и 2 довод) на тему "Преимущества детского труда" и второе (3 и 4 довод) "проблемы детского труда и способы их решения".

Так не правильно.

6. Заключение

To conclude, it´s difficult to judge whether work is good or not for children. If children are not exploited, they have enough free time and the government defences their rights, I think that work helps them to be more responsible, independent and good self-organized.

Я бы написал так.

To sum up, if person starts his working life early he will have plenty of benefits. He becomes more responsible and self-organized. I think that it can give to children more chances in career and financial prosperity. (В заключении можно, и даже желательно делитья своим мнением).

Теперь немного о грамматике. Основная ваша проблема это то как вы формулируете предложения. Многие из них могут быть не понятны экзаменатору. Попробуйте писать более короткими предложениями. Вокабуляр у вас вроде бы нормальный (если писали без словаря). На 6 я бы не оценил.

Вам нужно больше практики и все получится. Удачи.

[Sveta08]

Grifffin, огромное вам спасибо! так подробно все написали, буду исправляться! Сейчас подкорректирую следущий "шедевр"

[Sveta08]

здравствуйте, посмотрите пожалуйста эту работу

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the government of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


There are important things such as health, education and trade for development of some society. The governments of advanced countries should pay more attention to the social and economic problems of poorer countries.
I think, at least three directions as health, education and trade are the basis for good developed countries.


The primary argument is for health. We know poor countries have problems with medicine itself. In most cases people live in bad sanitary conditions , they don´t follow the rules of hygiene or sometimes they don´t have an opportunity to drink clean water. In effect of these, different diseases spread very fast. Moreover a qualified doctor is a luxury in some areas. People can´t be examined in time and most diseases will not be treated. These are the cases of early death in poor countries. So, the heath is the first directions , which has to be developed in less developed countries.


For another thing is education. Illiterate people can´t develop their country. The should be able to read, count, to know history of their own country and others. Moreover many problems exist in countries only that people simply don´t have enough knowledge in different spheres to solve these problems. Uneducated people can be deceived easier . As we know from the history many leaders used people , who were illiterate and pressed or influenced on their decisions.

In addition to these is trade. From ancient times people have been buying and selling products. At first it was only “trade” relations, because there wasn´t money. However, people exchanged their goods. One region had good harvest that year, , but didn´t have spices at all, but other country or region vice versa had spices, but it was a lack of crops, so they exchanged their goods. Now it´s still important to have trades with others countries and havea benefit of it.


Finally, the basis for good developed country is developing heath system, educational and economic. The governments of richer countries, if they want to help poor countries, have to pay more attention to these directions.
　
　

[Grifffin]

здравствуйте, посмотрите пожалуйста эту работу

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the government of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Вы неправильно поняли задание и как следствие написали эссе на другую тему. За это на экзамене сильно снижают балы. Тема эссе сформулирована во втором предложении. Если немного перефразировать тему эссе то получается следующее:

"Богатые/преуспевающие нации должны помогать развивающимся странам в областях здоровья, образования и торговли. Согласны или нет."

А у вас получилось эссе(даже скорее сочинение) на тему "проблемы развивающихся стран".

Далее...

Вы пишите на жутком рунглише (это когда по-русски но английскими буквами) типа:
Сколько время? = how many watch? вместо What time is it?

Лучше пытайтесь использовать простые слова и фразы (но грамматически правильно построенные) вместо накрученных и неправильных.

Теперь по написанному эссе:

There are important things such as health, education and trade for development of some society. Advanced countries should pay more attention to the social and economic problems of developing countries.
I think, at least three directions as health, education and trade are really important for poor countries.


First of all, health is a main problem for poor countries. We know poor countries have problems with medicine. In most cases people live in bad sanitary conditions , they don´t follow the rules of hygiene or sometimes they don´t have an opportunity to drink clean water. As a result of this, different diseases spread very fast. Moreover a qualified doctor is a luxury in some areas. People can´t get medical care quickly and most diseases will not be treated. That is why people in such countries died early. So, the heath is the first directions , which has to be developed in less developed countries.


Lack of education has negative influence on poor countries developing. Illiterate people can´t develop their country. The should be able to read, count, to know history of their own country and others. Majority of the people in such countries are unskilled and it may create some social and economic problems. Uneducated people are trustful . As we know form the world history, they easy can be abused by national leaders.

Furthermore, trade is essential for economics of developing country. From ancient times people have been buying and selling goods. At first it was only “trade” relations, because money was not invented at that time. However, people exchanged their goods. For example, if one tribe had good harvest, they can exchange part of it for iron or stone tools. Now it´s still important to have trades with others countries and have a benefit of it.


Finally, the basis for good developed country is developing heath system, educational and economic. It would be better for rich countries to pay more attention in this areas, if they want to help poor countries.

В официальной переписке запрещено(или весьма нежелательно) использовать сокращения типа is’t don’t can’t и т.д. Их можно использовать только в первом задании в неофициальном «письме другу».

Еще сотня сочинений (я не шучу) и все получиться.

[kaktyc]

проверьте плиз, задание по первому таску.
the map below is of the town of garlson. a new supermarket is planned for the town. The map shows two possible sites for the suppermarkets.summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.



The map describe the town of Garlsdon. That place have nearly 65,000 dwellers and three neighbor areas, like Hindon on the north-west detection until 12 km with 10 thousand population as well as Bransdonon the south-west way on the road which have where lives around fifteen thousand people's and Cransdon on the south-east detection with 29,000 citizen. However Garlson place have three type of zones, it's central zone where crossing three mine inter area roads, the railway which connected Hindon between Cransdon places and a new market which is planned made at soon as well as around central zone in the town of Garlsdon contains housing zone which have the most of space then another in that place besides on the north and south dominated a few industry zones. More over on the way to Hindon place it this area will be another new market building in the future.

[Captain America]

Люди! Проверьте пожалуйста это эссе. Буду премного благодарен.

Do migration from the developing world to the developed world become positive for fich countries? Argue for and against the opinion above. (тема была на русском. Как смог так и сформулировал).

Nowadays gap between rich and poor countries is great. Some of developed countries allow to migrants from developed countries live and work on their territory. Some people think that it can bring only benefits to their country. Others claim that migrants are cause of different social and economic problems. On this essay I will try to discuss positive and negative aspects of immigration in rich countries.

On the one hand, migrants can bring a lot of advantages. They are more active then local people. They can work on low paid positions which are mot popular for natives. Moreover, governments of some countries control education level of future emigrants. It allows getting highly educated skilled persons. Most of such immigrants are more intelligent then average native person. In addition to this, population in the majority of the rich countries is constantly decreasing. In this case immigration may solve this problem.

On the other hand, immigration may create some problems. Some of them do not know native language. They have less chances to get a good job. Therefore, they may commit crime or become unemployed and getting social help from the country. All of this may negatively influence economic of the country. What is more, some immigrants prefer live close to their compatriots. As a result they do not integrate in local culture and may be reason or source of ethnic fights.

To sum up, I think that immigration have a lot of adventures. Unfortunately in some cases it may create some problems in society. Anyway government of wealthy country easy can avoid some of them if it will effectively control immigration.

267 слов. Написано за 40 минут. Писалось на стандартном бланке, карандашом. Орфографические ошибки исправил когда набирал в ворде. На сколько это вообще тянет?

[ircha_78]

Люди! Проверьте пожалуйста это эссе. Буду премного благодарен.

Do migration from the developing world to the developed world become positive for fich countries? Argue for and against the opinion above. (тема была на русском. Как смог так и сформулировал).

Nowadays gap between rich and poor countries is great. Some of developed countries allow to migrants from developed countries live and work on their territory. Some people think that it can bring only benefits to their country. Others claim that migrants are cause of different social and economic problems. On this essay I will try to discuss positive and negative aspects of immigration in rich countries.

On the one hand, migrants can bring a lot of advantages. They are more active then local people. They can work on low paid positions which are mot popular for natives. Moreover, governments of some countries control education level of future emigrants. It allows getting highly educated skilled persons. Most of such immigrants are more intelligent then average native person. In addition to this, population in the majority of the rich countries is constantly decreasing. In this case immigration may solve this problem.

On the other hand, immigration may create some problems. Some of them do not know native language. They have less chances to get a good job. Therefore, they may commit crime or become unemployed and getting social help from the country. All of this may negatively influence economic of the country. What is more, some immigrants prefer live close to their compatriots. As a result they do not integrate in local culture and may be reason or source of ethnic fights.

To sum up, I think that immigration have a lot of adventures. Unfortunately in some cases it may create some problems in society. Anyway government of wealthy country easy can avoid some of them if it will effectively control immigration.

267 слов. Написано за 40 минут. Писалось на стандартном бланке, карандашом. Орфографические ошибки исправил когда набирал в ворде. На сколько это вообще тянет?

По грамматике.
С артиклями косяки, ну да это, вроде, говорят, что неважно.
On the other hand, IMMIGRANTS may create some problems. Раз мы дальше говорим о "них", а не о процессе иммиграции.
С порядком слов тоже косячки, типа may negatively influence = may influence negatively, in some cases it may create some problems = it may create some problems in some cases (кстати 2 раза подряд some), government of wealthy country easy can avoid some of them = the government of wealthy countrIES can avoid some of them easily.
Prefer live = prefer TO live.
that immigration have a lot of adventures - эт тут просто очепятки, да? that immigration haS a lot of advANTAGES.

Мне кажется, неплохо, но я в систему оценивания еще толком не въехала, пусть кто-нить поопытнее подскажет
Насколько тут втолковывали выше знающие люди - надо НЕ в одном параграфе все эдвантеджи, а во втором все дисэдвантеджи, А в одном - один эдвантедж, во втором - второй эдвантедж, а в третьем дисэдвантедж, и итог: эдвантеджей больше!