My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[AlexDav]

AlexDav, спасибо! учту ваши замечания

да незнашто - пришел все раскритиковал поднял свое самомнение и ушел

[sksksk]

а можно мне тоже попросить помощи
знающие люди - на сколько потянет такое эссе? чесно открыл ielts practice book взял тему и никуда не глядя написал за 38 минут.

Some governments say how many children a family can hare in their country. They may
control the number of children someone has through taxes.
It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way.
Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer.

These days several countries tries to control number of children families can have. There is a number of ways to do so. The most frequently used is taxation of people who has larger the targeted by the government number of children. I think that fiscal policy is the correct way for the government to achieve this target.

There are various types of policy the government may use to control the number of children that familles have. All of them have their advantages and disadvantages. Lets' look at them more carefully. First of all, it is possible to simply disallow birth of children above some fixed number to every woman in the country. This policy was used by China and proved to be ineffective. Although it did help to lower the birth rate it created many other problems. For example, large number women still wanted to have many children and were forced to give birth not in state controlled hospitals but in insanitary conditions at home. This resulted in sharp increase of newborn mortality rate. Moreover, the number of illegal abortion has also risen.

The second kind of policy aimed at controlling birth rate is by prohibition of marriage for women who did not reach some fixed age - for example, in Bangladesh this age is set at twenty eight years. The rationale for this is that most children are born by married women and the later a woman gets married the less children she will be able to have. Although this policy allowed Bangladesh government to quickly achieve desired fall in birth rate it seems to me it is very cruel and unjust from the moral point of view. Marriage is on the most important thing in our life. It is the confrmation of the feeling of love and devotion between two people and I suspect that this policy has led a large number of broken hearts. Just try to imagine young lady who is 22 years of age and in love with someone. Almost surely, her chosen one will not agree to wait for six years and will try to find another woman who is allowed to marry him. Therefore, I think that this policy also creates more problems than it solves.

Finally, some countries have chosen tax policy as a mean of controlling birth rate. It works as follows: if the family decided to have another child it is free to do it but it has to pay child tax which is set at rather high level. This policy is quite soft as it does not directly ban birth of new children. At the same time if tax rate is high not many families will be wanting to have them. Moreover, it does not create health or moral problems I mentioned above. Of course, some might say that it is discriminative policy as only rich people can have many children under it. It is true, but this way those children who are actually born will be guaranteed to have good care simply because wealthy parents can afford it.

To summarize, there is a number of ways how the government can control birth rate in the country. All of them can be critisized from different points of view and have costs for the society as well as benefits. However, for some of them these costs are large and for some are quite small. I believe that tax policy is the kind of policy which has lowest level of cost associated with it and therefore agree with the statement that if the government need to control birth rate it should use fiscal policy.


потом посмотрел на предоженный ответ и подумал что тему не ракрыл. но мне показалось что вопрос именно стоит и том хорош ли налоговыый метод борьбы с рождаемостьб а не общий о том нужно ли вобще с этим бороться.

спасибо заранее.

[ledy]

Здравствуйте! Буду очень признательна за отзывы по моему эссе. Заранее спасибо за помощь и участие.

Do you agree or desagree with the following statement? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays the advertisement plays the important and enormous role in our life. Advertising can tell us about some product or some country. Let’s discuss it.
First of all, the advertisement is the moving force in the all world. It can tell us a lot of information about a country. For example, the small history of country, sights, geography. In some cases, for instance, by watching TV, we can see this country. Such way, we receive the information about tourism in this country, the most beautiful places and our possibilities to come there. If we talk about tourism, we can recognise about price and duration of our rest in tnis country.
Secondly, we can see the country by advertising in Internet. At present time, Internet gives many possibilities for advertisement.
Thirdly, we can get the information about country on radio. Radio is one of the most important and main part of advertisement. Because many people listen to radio every day and whole day. Somebody doesn’t have the possibility to watch TV or use Internet. That’s why radio also can tell us a lot information about a country.
An other kind of advertisement is reading of newspaprs, journals. It seems that this variant is not so important, then radio and TV. But some people, who prefer reading more, they receive information in such a way.
The pictures and posters are another variant of advertising. But i think it doesn’t play a big role in this sphere.
Consequently, advertising can tell us a lot important and necessary information about a country.
It may be various kinds of advertisement. And we need all kinds of it. Advertisement is a great achivement of 20-th century.

~290 words

[Sveta08]

Здравствуйте, посмотрите пожалуйста очередное эссе, скажите над чем нужно еще работать, структура и тд,на какой уровень примерно тянет
заранее благодарна

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour.
What do you think are causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?

A lot of countries try to solve problems connecting with pupil’s action. It can be different reasons of such student behaviour .
I will try to discuss about this problem in this essay.

First of all students are not motivated for their study. They don`t know why they have to study. They simply go to school , only because they have to or it is an opportunity to see their friends. They do not understand the reason and the meaning of it. The first task for adults and teachers motivate them to study. Parents should explain their children, that education is very important in our life, that without it they can gain nothing. Moreover parents have to encourage children , if they study good and punish them if they are lazy. However teachers should also stimulate their pupils for study. It is important for students to know what they can already do well and what they have to improve. It should be a system of encouraging and punishment. For instance good marks, some activities as go together to the cinema or to the park. It is important for children to know that a teacher can deprive them all these activities, if their behaviour or progress are not so good.

Besides that children are the reflection of adults. Adults teach children hoe to behaviour themselves in this or that situation. They build the model of action. Moreover if they see a bad behaviour of their children, parents blame them. It is not true! We know cases when also teachers allow themselves to speak with pupils roughly. Therefore students do the same. They consider it is a norm, not to respect each other or not to pay attention . The solution of this problem, I think first of all adults have to show the good example to the children.

To summarize , I think it is important for children to see the norm of parents ` behaviour , adults should show them examples. They should not forget all adults can see themselves in their children. Moreover they have to use useful system of education, which includes punishment and encouragement.

[AlexDav]

потом посмотрел на предоженный ответ и подумал что тему не ракрыл.

правильно подумал
вопрос стоял очень просто - согласен или нет, а не расскажите про способы борьбы.
в любом случае хочу сделать одно замечание, которое встречается у многих - первое предложение это пересказ темы (или еще хуже копирование) - на стоит так начинать - начните лучше - что "население планеты постояно растет, что создает определенные трудности...".

а вы какой вариант английского используете? (просто встретил пару слов которые я незнал что и такой вариант есть

[AlexDav]

Nowadays the advertisement plays the important and enormous role in our life. Advertising can tell us about some product or some country. Let’s discuss it.

буду жесток
вас не просят discuss it - вопрос прямой - согласны или нет? вот и ответьте на него во вступлении (хотя я может и ошибаюсь, но прямого ответа у вас небыло и в заключении тоже - так что я прав
ну и по теме - вы раскрыли тему виды рекламы Вы рассказали откуда они могут узнать о стране, а не как реклама в этом помогает. К примеру надо было рассказать что большое кол-во соц. рекламы показывает что страна заботиться о..., реклама с историческими местами показывает осн. направления развития страны и т.д.
Удачи.

[AlexDav]

A lot of countries try to solve problems connecting with pupil’s action. It can be different reasons of such student behaviour .
I will try to discuss about this problem in this essay.

First of all students are not motivated for their study. They don`t know why they have to study. They simply go to school , only because they have to or it is an opportunity to see their friends. They do not understand the reason and the meaning of it. The first task for adults and teachers motivate them to study. Parents should explain their children, that education is very important in our life, that without it they can gain nothing. Moreover parents have to encourage children , if they study good and punish them if they are lazy. However teachers should also stimulate their pupils for study. It is important for students to know what they can already do well and what they have to improve. It should be a system of encouraging and punishment. For instance good marks, some activities as go together to the cinema or to the park. It is important for children to know that a teacher can deprive them all these activities, if their behaviour or progress are not so good.

Besides that children are the reflection of adults. Adults teach children hoe to behaviour themselves in this or that situation. They build the model of action. Moreover if they see a bad behaviour of their children, parents blame them. It is not true! We know cases when also teachers allow themselves to speak with pupils roughly. Therefore students do the same. They consider it is a norm, not to respect each other or not to pay attention . The solution of this problem, I think first of all adults have to show the good example to the children.

To summarize , I think it is important for children to see the norm of parents ` behaviour , adults should show them examples. They should not forget all adults can see themselves in their children. Moreover they have to use useful system of education, which includes punishment and encouragement.

А мне понравилось
только вот первые два предложения - о каком поведении идет речь?
ну и - First of all, For instance, Besides that, Moreover,.... пишуться через запятую

Удачи.

[AlexDav]

Ну вроде ко всем нашел подход и ласковое слово
Извините, если где сам ошибся - я не англичанин.

[sksksk]

правильно подумал
вопрос стоял очень просто - согласен или нет, а не расскажите про способы борьбы.
в любом случае хочу сделать одно замечание, которое встречается у многих - первое предложение это пересказ темы (или еще хуже копирование) - на стоит так начинать - начните лучше - что "население планеты постояно растет, что создает определенные трудности...".

а вы какой вариант английского используете? (просто встретил пару слов которые я незнал что и такой вариант есть

It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way.
Do you agree or disagree?

вроде написано так. значит я понимаю согласен или нет с именно фискальным методом борьбы. для этого я понимаю нужно описать альтернативы и объяснить почему я именно за этот способ а не за другой. или чото не так?

про какие слова речь идет не понял.

ну а так то ясно что все мы не пефект но интересно именно во сколько баллов примерно оценится такое творчество.

[newjersey]

Привет!

Я здесь недавно, это мое первое эссе.
Пожалуйста, покритикуйте?

Хочу готовиться к IELTS сам, нужно получить 6.5, в крайнем случае подойдет и 5.5 в конце этого года.
Заняло 1.5 часа, 255 слов
Ой, больше всего наворотил в третьем абзаце, кажется.

Today many companies make researching (1) about how to improve(2) effective (3) of their services or products. Mostly that (4) companies direct their analyzing (5) in (6) improving products they produce and pay less attention for personal working conditions. It will be shown that employers should research and improve working condition (7) for the staff. This will be proven by analyzing how good conditions makes (8 ) products more qualitative(9) (10) and how it could help save money for employers.

A very important aspect of qualitative(9) products as effective results (11) is staff satisfaction by their work. Take Google with their offices where there is everything people could want for rest. This example shows that improving working conditions helps Google be more effective and creative. From this, it can be concluded that employers who are interested in more effective products should improve working conditions.

This is very apparent that people who have get (12) good working conditions can agree to reduce their wages (13) and employer could save money. For example freelancers, they work at home and get smaller salary (14) than staff who work 8 hours and 5 days a week in the office. It can be argued that employer save money. It is obvious that (15) employer should research and improve working conditions of their staff. (16)

Following the analysis of influencing good working conditions (17) on qualitative( 18 ) of products as well as saving money for employers, it is clear that employers should research and improve working conditions of their staff. It is expected that only companies which (19) spent enough on employee satisfaction will be success (20) in the future.



(1) research
(2) improvement - проще конструкции используйте
(3) effectiveness - существительное, в конец предложения
(4) these - множественное число
(5) analysis - существительное
(6) Into - активное действие
(7) conditionS
(8 ) make - 3е лицо мн. числа
(9) qualitative это "качественный", где "качество" имеет смысл "признак", и используется в математке, физике и т.п. например qualitative analysis
(10) отвлекаясь от языка - хорошие условия не производят товары. Нужно переделать все предложение.
(11) не могу реконструировать мысль - качественный продукт как эффективный результат - сдаюсь.
(12) have без get. Разговорно можно употребить have got
(13) what are you on, please? по языку - can это императив, поскольку вопрос дискуссионный, нужно использовать суггестивы could, would, if ... could have something done, then...
(14) freelancers make loads more. хотя не будем в экономику вдаваться.
(15) или employers или an employer
(16) вывод, тем более начинающийся со слов "очевидно" не имеет опоры в предыдущем тексте.
(17) influencing - направление действия? influencing xxxx by yyy, influence of zzzz on ####? здесь очевидно второе.
(18 ) quality of products
(19) that
(20) successful

[AlexDav]

It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way.
Do you agree or disagree?

вроде написано так. значит я понимаю согласен или нет с именно фискальным методом борьбы. для этого я понимаю нужно описать альтернативы и объяснить почему я именно за этот способ а не за другой. или чото не так?

про какие слова речь идет не понял.

ну а так то ясно что все мы не пефект но интересно именно во сколько баллов примерно оценится такое творчество.

ну может и я не прав
слово к примеру targeted - я так понял это существительное? я пользую просто target

оценку вам никто тут не скажет - мои предложения знаешь как ругали - ничего свои 6 балов взял
Я думаю так время и кол-во слов есть = 5-6 баллов от удачи и расскрытия темы

[Maimiti_Isabella]

а можно мне тоже попросить помощи
знающие люди - на сколько потянет такое эссе? чесно открыл ielts practice book взял тему и никуда не глядя написал за 38 минут.

Some governments say how many children a family can hare in their country. They may
control the number of children someone has through taxes.
It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way.
Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer.........

Думаю что 7.5 - 8

Ошибки, конечно, есть, куда же без них, но...
некоторые ошибки настолько basic, что могут сыграть против Вас. Попробуйте оставить несколько минут на proof reading. Не может быть, чтобы с таким английским языком Вы не заметили своих собственных грамматических неувязок!

Из 'плюсов'
1. отличный словарный запас
2. четкий и ясный ответ на тему - coherence
3. логическое построение параграфов, с topic sentence - cohesion
4. использование различных структур предложений
5. nominalisation
и т.д.

[Sveta08]

AlexDav, спасибо, первый раз что то положительное по поводу своих произведений получила

[Sveta08]

посмотрите пожалуйста, скоро экзамен стараюсь чаще писать эссе

Creative people should express their ideas in different ways freely. Nobody can limit them, even the government. In my opinion creative needs freedom. The government can control somehow , but they should not restrict them.

First of all, all creative people live in their own world. They think different ideas There is no limit for them. They create something extraordinary . Therefore people call them create persons . If somebody or government restrict them, they will not simply create new, fresh ideas. Restrictions means fr them “stopping of their activities”.

However, creations is an unconscious process . A person is given a talent from nature. This talent can be expressed in different ways. For instance a person can be one of the best orator, other paints beautiful pictures or composes excellent music. Nobody can make them stop thinking or restrict them to express their own ideas. We know various examples from history, when the government of different countries tried to limit them or forbid creative people or their works, because of their talent. They could express their ideas freely and unordinary ways. However we know that this restrictions came to nothing. The government can control or restrict laws or people´s behaviour , but it is impossible to limit people´s talent.

Besides that , if creative people were not so freely, they would not create anything new and the development of people´s creative culture would be stopped. A person , who makes something unusual or extraordinary is called the creative person . The creative person can make ordinary things, but in different ways. When we see a dramatic film , an actor plays his role and makes us cry or smile, it means that he has a talent. He expresses his emotions freely. However a painter or compositor can express his masterpiece only once. It is a unique. They did it without any restrictions.

Finally, all creative people have a talent. They can express their ideas differently in their own ways. Nobody can limit it.

[AlexDav]

AlexDav, спасибо, первый раз что то положительное по поводу своих произведений получила

ха, меня тут тоже не по детски пресовали - но это и понять можно - тут нейтивов нет.
Удачи.