My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[taha]

Я знаю сможете ли вы набрать необходимый бал. Как у вас обстоят дела с аудированием, чтением, и разговорной речью? Т.е. можно ли сказать что письмо самый сложный предмет для вас или кроме письма есть проблемы?

В целом могу посоветовать в письме
- использовать лекску и формы, которые вы знаете и изучали в рамках курсов,
- использовать слова, которые вы знаете и изучали в рамках курсов, т.е. никаких там сложных слов, когда вы не уверены в том правильно ли применяете это слово
- если есть мысль, но ее сложно выразить при текущем уровне языка, то необходимо не городить нечто вроде русинглиша, а либо перефразировать и описать ситуацию более простым словами, либо изменить саму мысль.
- не нужно стремиться к сложным выражениям, так как в них больше шансов допустить ошибки

Пишите есчё

Спасибо за понимания!!! Буду стараться!!!

[I_am_Unicorn]

Посмотрите и мое, пожалуйста!

1. Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

Nowadays, maternity becomes less and less significant in busy modern society. Young mothers hurry to get involved back into their working life in order to feel themselves a part of business world. I reckon that governments should support them by providing low cost day nurseries.
On the one hand, there are groups of people that who believe that women’s only definition is giving birth and nursing children. However, I know a lot of young mothers who felt abandoned and disappointed with their lives after about two or three years of staying home and taking care of their infants. For instance, statistics proves that number of suicides among women of this group is devastating.
On the other hand, some channels of mass media support the opinion that business women who let their babies stay at Kindergartens have opportunity to recover faster and also to avoid the postnatal depression. They would not have a chance to neglect their appearance because they will have to go to work daily. This means that they would have to stay attractive and interesting for their partners. Besides that such mothers would not also experience their brain activity decline and would stay active just as before their pregnancy. All these facts usually have solemn positive effect on the marriages. They help young partners stay interested in each other and proceed in building a healthy relationship.
To recapitulate, I should state that in terms of society’s welfare the idea of nursery schools should be widely supported. Young mothers should be provided with possibility of self-actualization and feeling of noticeable importance for their nation.


I would be particularly greatful to Balamut5 for his comments. I like them very much

[Nekker]

Посмотрите пожалуйста мое эссе

Even though globalization affects the world's economics in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss.

Everything has two sides and globalization is not an exception. Whilst influence of globalization is considered in general, some are concerned with its impact on the world's economics. My opinion is that globalization is inevitable and it gives us many benefits.

First of all, we must acknowledge that globalization allows businesses to easily cross over boundary lines because it gives them greater opportunities when they look for an additional market. Take for example Belgian breweries which want to extend their businesses across Europe and Australia. Having seen the last financial reports, business analysts are forecasting an extension of the market of Belgian beer up to 45% in two years.

Also globalization provides an access to the low cost of labor in the developing countries because many famous companies are moving their business operations in these countries. For instance, according to surveys, up to 35% of British companies are planning to transfer their business processes from England to China and Indonesia.

However the most drawback of globalization is the risk and danger of epidemic diseases because it creates a basis for the flow of many diseases through the state borders. Take for example the bird's disease which had happened last summer and some countries were closed and others were under suspicion.

Taking into account everything mentioned above, I am inclined to believe that sometimes globalization could affect our lives in negative way however it provides many benefits and could be a source of a better level of life in the nearest future.

[Balamut5]

1. Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

Nowadays, maternity becomes less and less significant in busy modern society. Young mothers hurry to get involved back into their working life in order to feel themselves a part of business world. I reckon that governments should support them by providing low cost day nurseries.
---
- ‘Nowadays,… in busy modern society’, generally speaking, words ‘Nowadays’ and ‘modern society’ reflect the same thing, so one of them can be omitted.
- ‘to get involved back’, it’s enough to say ‘to get back to work life’
- it is hard ‘to feel oneself a part of business world’. You can be a part of business world or feel oneself as an active member of business world. It’s hard to explain but ‘to feel themselves a part of business world’ in this context doesn’t really sound well.
---

On the one hand, there are groups of people that who believe that women’s only definition is to give ing birth and nurse ing children. However, I know a lot of young mothers who felt abandoned and disappointed with their lives after about two or three years of staying home and taking care of their infants. For instance, statistics proves that the number of suicides among women of this group is devastating.
---
- it’s okay to use the word infant for kids up to 7 years old, though it’s less common and may not be understood well by assessor. Normally, an infant is a kid in their first 3-6 months.
---

On the other hand, some channels of mass media (simpler – mass media) support the opinion that business women who let their babies stay at Kindergartens have opportunities to recover faster and also to avoid the postnatal depression. They would not have a chance to neglect their appearance because they will have to go to work daily. This means that they would have to stay attractive and interesting for their partners. Besides, that such mothers would not also experience their brain activity decline and would stay active just as before prior to their pregnancy. All these facts usually have solemn positive effect on the marriages. They help young partners stay interested in each other and proceed in building a healthy relationship.
---
- У них бы небыло шанса..., так как пришлось бы… – это была задумка второго предложения? ; if yes, then ‘.. They wouldn’t have a chance… as .. they had to work..’. Then, the next sentence goes as ‘.. They would stay…’.
- ‘…would not also experience..’, sounds terrible; do something with the word ‘also’, either remove or paraphrase and put it in front of the sentence.
- have you seen the word ‘solemn’ in such a context? I mean in phrases like … solemn positive… imho, the word is not the best here.
---

To recapitulate, I should state that in terms of society’s welfare the idea of nursery schools should be widely supported. Young mothers should be provided with possibility of self-actualization and feeling of noticeable importance for their nation.
---
- ‘…with possibility .. feeling of noticeable importance for their nation’, too general and too much about nothing. For instance, Young mothers should not be deprived of their chance of successful business career and opportunities to build healthy relationships with their partners.

====

You gave one example and it’s okay. Though, you might have considered single mothers and families with low income who are another two big categories, apart from business people, and they usually aim at getting back to work as soon as possible after giving birth.
Still the topic states that children should stay in kindergarten and nurseries (day cares in Australia) and your opinion is asked. So, you may say that Some people who live an active business life believe that maternity is nothing special nowadays and they don’t want to lose business or career opportunities while staying with child at home, so authorities should help them organise their time through provision of well-equipped and professionally staffed nursery schools (day care centres).

Your English is quite good. I liked the structure and the choice of words. If those words are in your active vocabulary, it's really good as you'll be in the posisiton to use them effectively on the exam.
There were a couple of places where you were lost in conditionals and also had challenges trying to explain your thoughts. When I speak about simple writing, I don't necessarilly mean the choice of words but rather the structure and complexity of sentences/paragraphs.

Well done, I'll be waiting for more essays from you.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Even though globalization affects the world's economics in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss.

какой IELTS score требуется? Мне кажется что 6-ка есть, возможно и 6.5. Но есть возможность и улучшить, если требуется.

Ну и на всякий случай
Не знаю с какого американского сайта Вы взяли эту тему, но в самой формулировке темы есть ошибки. Все таки лучше брать темы из учебников по подготовке к IELTS, а не с сомнительных сайтов!

в качестве примера 'нестыковок"
globalization ->globalisation
economics (studies/subject) -> economies (n)

[Balamut5]

Even though globalization affects the world's economics in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss.

Everything has two sides and globalization is not an exception. Whilst the influence of globalization is considered in general, some are concerned with its impact on the world's economics. My opinion is that globalization is inevitable and it gives us many benefits.
---
- ‘… is not an exception’, I’m not sure but I would rather put ‘.. is not the exception’ here as it is a general statement.
- ‘Whilst influence of globalization is considered in general…’, what does it mean? I don’t see any sense in this phrase.
- I believe the introduction could have been done better. Based on the topic, you might have stated a couple of positive aspects and warn against negative ones, plus tell that you would review those aspects further.
As an example,

Globalization is a recent tendency that has already had a number of positive effects on our lives. It is hard to imagine a day without a cup of Arabica coffee, let alone a computer without Microsoft products. In fact, some nationals would have no computers at all, as they aren’t produced in every country. All these small and large bits and pieces are a result of globalization. But, is it all that good and shiny? Well, not really, as globalization opens borders and if they stay uncontrolled, not only good but also bad things will start circulating around the globe.
---

First of all, we must acknowledge that globalization allows businesses to easily cross the borders as over boundary lines because it gives them greater opportunities when they look for new an additional markets. Take for example Belgian breweries that which want to extend their businesses across Europe and Australia. Looking at Having seen the last financial reports, business analysts unanimously are forecasting forecast an extension expansion/growth of Belgian beer market the market of Belgian beer up to 45% per cent in two years time (or in the next two years).
---
Good statements. I’ve changed the choice of words in some parts to reflect the logic better.
‘.. to easily cross over boundary lines..’, I guess you can say that but it would be clumsy.
‘.. lines because it gives..’, the word ‘because’ is out of context, it can’t be used here.
‘..look for an additional market’, clumsy
‘Having seen the..., business analysts are forecasting..’, first of all, you don’t need to have present continuous here, secondly ‘Having seen’ is generally okay, though I personally wouldn’t put it like this.
‘.. an extension of..’, not in regards to market share;
‘..of the market of Belgian beer..’, it’s a bit clumsy, you don’t really need so complex structure here.
‘..in two years.’, can’t have it like this; either in the next two years or in two years time.
---

Also, globalization provides an access to the low cost of labour in the developing countries because and many famous companies are moving their business operations to those (or just move operations there) in these countries. For instance, according to surveys, up to 35% per cent of British companies are planning to transfer their business processes from England to China and Indonesia.
---
‘… globalization provides… labour… because..’, strange logic here. Do you mean that globalization provides an easy access to low cost labour, which is located in the developing countries; and… that labour is cheap and is located there because many companies move their factories there? If it’s not your logic, then why do you have ‘because’ there?
‘... are planning to transfer their business processes..’, I don’t agree with the ‘business processes’ part. I would say that those British companies are trying to move their production/operation/manufacturing processes there.
---

However, the most biggest drawback of globalization is the risk and danger of epidemic diseases because it creates a basis for the flow of many diseases through the state borders. Take for example the birds flu bird's disease which had happened last summer and some countries were closed and others were under suspicion.
---
the last sentence is constructed like Russian one.
The paragraph is not nice.. need to be reworked.
---


Taking into account everything mentioned above, I am inclined to believe that sometimes globalization could affect our lives in a negative way, however it provides many benefits and could be a source of a better level of life in the nearest future.

Вообщем-то есть неплохие идеи и попытки их раскрытия, но все же структура немного прихрамывает.
Структуру легко проверить самому... просто прочитайте написанное через 10-15 минут и почуствуйте звучит ли написаное или где-то что-то не так.

[Aleks]

Уважаемые форумчане, проверьте пожалуйста мое первое эссе, потратил час, тема вроде избитая, но с идеями туговато и стиль самого эссе немного напрягает, так как ранее ничего в таком стиле не писал. Заранее спасибо. Необходимо 6 в конце февраля.

Some people prefer to live in a house,while others feel that there are more advantages to living in an apartment.
Are there more advantges then disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment.
No one can deny that our ancestry lived in huts and they were looked more like our private houses. Nowadays more and more people prefer to live in apartmnets.
On the one hand there are a lot of people who prefer to live in flats. It is a way to make your life easy in a big city. Always, neighbours are close to you with a hand of help. Nobody will ask you for cleaning the staircase or to cut grass. Take for example my grandparents, they do not want to live in a big house anymore. They are tired with the everyday routine for house keeping.
On the other hand most of the celebrities are living in big houses with big pools, garage and own theater. Another persons want to feel the soil, that is why they have garden with trees and flowers. It is so beautifull when trees start blossom in spring in own garden. A lot of people wants to have pets in their private house, but with apartment it is not so comfortable to have the pets. Futhermore, nobody can disturb you with a loud music or can flood you with a huge amount of water or something else. Moreover, doctors tell that our children need more activites and with the house it is easy to do, when you have poll and yard.
In conclusion I want to say, both options can be good or bad and it will be depend on personal opinion. From my point of view, I have to say: what can ne better then house with a lot of children and a lot of friends at barbeque in your backyard?

[Balamut5]

Уважаемые форумчане, проверьте пожалуйста мое первое эссе, потратил час, тема вроде избитая, но с идеями туговато и стиль самого эссе немного напрягает, так как ранее ничего в таком стиле не писал. Заранее спасибо. Необходимо 6 в конце февраля.

No one can deny that our ancestry lived in huts that and they were looked more like our private houses. Nowadays, more and more people prefer living to live in apartments.


On the one hand, there are a lot of people who prefer living to live in flats. It is a way to make your life easy in a big city. Always, Neighbours are always close to you with a hand of help. Nobody will ask you to clean for cleaning the staircase or to cut grass. Take for example my grandparents, they do not want to live in a big house anymore. They are tired with daily the everyday routine for of house keeping.


On the other hand, most of the celebrities live are living in big houses with big pools, garage and own theatre. Another persons Other people want to feel the soil, that is why they have gardens with trees and flowers. It is so beautiful when trees start to blossom in spring in own garden. A lot of people wants to have pets in their private house, but with apartment it is not so comfortable to have the pets. Furthermore, nobody can disturb you with a loud music or can flood you with a huge amount of water or something else. Moreover, doctors tell that our children need to do more activities and with the house it is easy to achieve do, when you have poll (a pool?) and a yard.


In conclusion I want to say, that both options can be good or bad and it will be depend on personal choice opinion. From In my point of view, I have to say: what can be better thaen a house with a lots of children and a lots of friends at barbeque party in your backyard?

Я не уверен, что ваш уровень владения английским позволит получить 6 баллов. Достаточно много мелких ошибок и опечаток, выбор слов скудный, построение предложений тоже хромает, логика и структура имеют недочеты.


Попробуйте усиленно заняться чтением типовых эссе. Возможно их можно скачать с каких-либо ресурсов, вроде бы и тут кидали ссылку. Суть в том, чтобы прочитать 150-200 эссе и понять какие применяются формы, какой уровень лексики и структуры изложения ожидается, вообщем нахвататься. Возможно поможет получить 6ки в конце февраля.

[Aleks]

To Balamut5: Спасибо большое за столь подробный разбор моего эссе. Будем стараться.

[I_am_Unicorn]

====

Your English is quite good. I liked the structure and the choice of words. If those words are in your active vocabulary, it's really good as you'll be in the posisiton to use them effectively on the exam.
There were a couple of places where you were lost in conditionals and also had challenges trying to explain your thoughts. When I speak about simple writing, I don't necessarilly mean the choice of words but rather the structure and complexity of sentences/paragraphs.

Well done, I'll be waiting for more essays from you.

Well, thanks a lot! It's great when there is somebody you can learn from! The next essay is on it's way

This is gonna be my 2nd try. The first one was 7,5/7/7,5/6,5. I need all 7s so I was lack of 0,5 points appeal was unsuccessful so... what's meant to be that's meant to be )

[Balamut5]

Well, thanks a lot! It's great when there is somebody you can learn from! The next essay is on it's way

This is gonna be my 2nd try. The first one was 7,5/7/7,5/6,5. I need all 7s so I was lacked of 0,5 points , the appeal was unsuccessful ; so... what's meant to be, that's meant to be )

I had a good mark for writing, which clearly tells about your ability to write in good English. Could you try to write down an essay without looking into dictionary and, please, use a text editor that doesn't spell-checking, and post it here? Maybe, you can acheive better result if you are not hasty and take your time to read through and keep the structure in mind.

What's your strategy to get better mark in speaking section?

[I_am_Unicorn]

What's your strategy to get better mark in speaking section?

My strategy is to get well prepared because I didn't prepare speaking at all previous time. But now I know that speaking part as any IELTS part has it's tricks and structure.

As for using dictionary I can tell you exactly which words were taken (no cheating, I'm trying to be honest with myself :
- definition (I didn't know that this word also means "предназначение")
- postnatal (I put "postbirth" first but Word underlined it with red)
- self-actualization (I didn't know how to say "самореализация" )
that's it

Could you try to write down an essay without looking into dictionary and, please, use a text editor that doesn't spell-checking, and post it here?

Sure! I'll post it tomorrow. It's too late now and I feel sleepy Thank you in advance!

[taha]

Здраствуйте форумчане, как говорили в древности все дороги ведут в Рим, моя же только к этой теме форума. Покритикуйте еще одно мое творение.
In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

In today’s world, people are learning through their entire life, because education is very important. If you have a good knowledge, you will be successful. But some young people prefer to take a gap year between graduating high school and entering university, in this time they want to work or travel around a world. I think that both of these cases have some advantages and disadvantages. Bellow I will give some reasons to support my answer.

Firstly, study in a school is a very hard work, because there are so many subjects in a school’s program. Therefore some student feel weariness after finishing high school and wants to just relax. He decide to work or travel for a year, it will be a very good way to eliminate a stress and a tension among teenagers.

Secondly, after a school some young people can not decide what subject and speciality he going to study in an university. According to the statistics many students choose a wrong subject in the university. Therefore , it will be better, If young people work in order to know about adult’s life and travel across a world, because he knows about a different culture and nations. It can bring benefits in a future education, because he has a good experience.

However, there are some disadvantage, if you take a gap year, you can forget many school’s subjects. It may be difficult to continue your education. Also, when young people will travel, he must live separately from your family and friends. He can get a bad habits, such as a alcohol and drugs.
To sum up, I believe that education plays a crucial role in our life, but every person should make a your choice.

[Balamut5]

My strategy is to get well prepared because I didn't prepare speaking at all previous time. But now I know that speaking part as any IELTS part has it's tricks and structure.

Surely, the best way to improve spoken English is to speak with natives or those who're fluent in the language. Although, there is another way, which is a combination of audio materials, like movies, presentations, radio podcasts, etc. and chatting in the Internet or 'communication' on online forums.

It may sound strange but when you have to type something in English and it's not just 'hi, how're you.. what's up.', etc. but you actually express yourself, then it has a positive effect on your spoken English.

[Balamut5]

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
In today’s world, people are learning throughout their entire life, because education is very important. If you have a good education knowledge, you will be successful. But some young people prefer to take a gap year between graduating high school and entering university, in during this time they want to work or travel around a world. I think that both of these cases have some advantages and disadvantages. Bellow I will give some reasons to support my answer.
---
- ‘.. learning through their entire life.’, technically you can have ‘through’ here though ‘throughout’ is literally means ‘during the complete time’ and thus, it sounds better here.
- ‘.. because education..’; ‘because’ explains the reason why, for example, I’ve decided to enter the university, because education is very important. I’m not sure it sounds best if you apply it to statements of general nature/knowledge as it’s hard to give a reason here. I would use something like ‘as’ or ‘because it’s believed that’ instead of ‘because’.
- ‘.. good knowledge..’, you can’t use the word ‘knowledge’ here, go for ‘education’ or ‘knowledge about smth’.
---

Firstly, study in a school is a very hard work, because there are so many subjects in a school’s program. Therefore, some students feel weariness after finishing high school and just wants to just relax. He They may decide to work or travel for a year, and it will be a very good way to eliminate (mitigate) a the stress and a tension among teenagers.
---
- ‘.. tension among teenagers’, is when they start fighting due to some reason. The phrase doesn’t sound well in this context; so you can omit ‘.. among teenagers’ to make it look better
---

Secondly, sometimes after leaving a school some young people can not decide what subject and speciality he they want going to study in an university. According to the statistics, many students choose a wrong subject in the university. Therefore, it would will be better, if young people worked in order to learn know about the adult’s life and travelled across a the world, as because travelling is a best way to learn he knows about a different cultures and nations. It can be beneficial for bring benefits in a future education, because he has a good experience.
---
- ‘..many students choose a wrong subject in the university’, a statement without support and good connection to the context. It really calls for some explanation, for example, According to the statistics, many students choose a wrong subject in the university, which results in bad marks, decisions to change areas of study, and later frustration.
- ‘.. adult’s life’ – жизнь взрослых, ‘..adult life’ – взрослая жизнь, я думаю подразумевалось второе.
- The last two sentences are not well constructed, really. They have disconnection and lack of logic.
---


However, there are some disadvantages. If you take a gap year, you may can forget many school’s subjects. It may be difficult to continue your education. Also, when young people will travel, they are separated he must live separately from your their familiesy and friends. He They can turn to get a bad habits, such as a alcohol drinking and taking drugs.


To sum up, I believe that education plays a crucial role in our life, but and every person should make a your their own choices.

It's good English though you have some small nagging mistakes.

He/She = They; when young people travel, they..., not 'he'.

a bad habits... plural form and indefinite article.

do something with 'because', you have it almost everywhere. There are plenty of other connecting words that can be employed and they would work much better than simple 'because'.

The structure is good, logic is good, context is good.
A couple of place, where the logic was lost. Try to read your essay aloud after it's finished. Sometimes it can help to find disconnections in logic.