My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Aleks]

To Balamut5: Спасибо большое за столь подробный разбор моего письма. Экзамен 20 февраля, буду писать дальше. Еще раз спасибо и удачи в Новом Году!!!

[Nelly]

Проверте пожалуйста и мое эссе, тема такая: Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today’s society (309)

Advertising deeply roots in our today’s life. Now it is diffucult to imagine world without it. Television, the internet, newspapers, magazines, radio, billboards: all of these mass media resources are used in promotion.
Usually ways of making ads do not have any immoral or unsociable aspect. However, at present we are faced with dramatic increase of amount of commercials using unethical methods. For instance, working on the internet we are bombarded with masses of ads by receiving junk mails, stumbling on opening links and so on. As a result we become angry, annoyed and, understandably enough, we will not be interested in such type of advertising.
Unethical advertising aggressively imposes stereotypes, views, models of the relation to people which have this or that specific features. For example, recently the life of stout people has become intolerable. From advertising they learn, that in their near future illnesses, career problems, and also home life crash will await them. Advertising asserts, that all problems will disappear at once after growing thin by taking some drugs or pills: health will be restored, the husband will return. We are imposed by models: to be thin, to be beautiful, to be successful. And people who are not up to a sample will become social outcasts. Such type of advertising mustn’t be in our life.
As a rule, companies and producers attempt to sell their goods and services soever. In this case, they should think whether the methods that they use in advertising conform with moral aspects. In addition, today unethical and unacceptable commercials are infract law. Authority of different countries fights against fraudelent advertisers. Nonetheless, “the enemy” continues to grow. Most probably he will be eliminated a long way off.
To sum up, in my opinion, companies should try to avoid immoral and unethical methods in advertising due to many people can suffer from them.

[taha]

Дорогие форумчане еще раз с новым годом, я написал еще один кошмар, пожалуйста проверьте и дайте справедливую оценку, если будет много ошибок, проявите терпения, Москва не сразу строилось!!!
Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This practice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negative impact on others. to what extent is this style of managment effective? Are there better ways of encouraging employees to work hard

It today’s world people have to work, in order to support their family and necessity. Some employers reward workers for good job to the company by giving them extra money or holiday. I think that it is fair, because every profitable work must compensate. In this essay I will analyse advantages and disadvantages of this style of management and make suggestions about ways of encouraging employees to work hard.

Fistly, we live together in the society, where we work and study. The job is small model of society among coworkers, where people needs a some competitions for good results. Therefore some employers practice to reward members of staff. It brings a many advantages for company, because when employees know about bonus, they will try to be better than other workers. Employees will finish work on time and will make suggestions about improvement of work, as a result company get a many benefits.

However, some scientist consider that this method can bring a negative effect on workers. They will try to get bonus from employers, meanwhile they forget about friendship, team. In addition, it brings stress, tension, trouble among employees.

Secondly, there are many ways of encouraging employees to work hard, therefore employers should combine different methods. For example, in my company, where I used to work, every month our boss allowed to us elect the best worker, after he reward him. It was a good way for us, because we have decided together, who win in this month without argue.

Finally, employers always must remember about your labours and make conditions for efficient work.

To sum up, I think that this statement is a very topical and I believe that every employers find its own ways of encouraging employees to work hard.

[Balamut5]

Проверте пожалуйста и мое эссе, тема такая: Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today’s society (309)

Advertising deeply roots in our (1) today’s life. Now it is diffucult to imagine the world without (2) it. Television, the Internet, newspapers, magazines, radio, billboards: all of these mass media (3) resources are used (4) in promotion.
---
1) Either our life, or today’s life, but better nowadays. The use of the verb ‘to root’ is questionable. I’ve personally never seen it in such a meaning. Other option could be – Nowadays, advertising influences all the aspects of our life.
2) ‘Now’ can be omitted.
3) they are rather ‘channels’ than ‘resources’.
4) you can’t just say ‘..in promotion’, you have to set the subject, ie. in promotion of goods, products, services, etc.
---

Usually ways of making ads (5) do not have any immoral or unsociable aspect. However, at present we are faced with dramatic increase of in the amount of commercials that use using unethical methods. For instance, working on in the Internet we are bombarded with masses of ads (6) by receiving junk mails, stumbling on opening links and so on (6). As a result, we become angry, annoyed, and understandably enough, we are will not be interested in such type of advertising.
---
5) when you speak about ‘ways of making ads’, you speak about the tools, technologies that are used in their production. For instance, bill-board ads are done by way of printing large pictures and sticking them to bill-boards that are located in various parts of a town or road.
You need to re-work the sentence and logically connect it with the next sentence, which is about the increase in the number of unethical ads. It could be done as follows: Formerly, ads did not bear much of immoral or unethical aspects in them. However, at present…
In other words, you need to show some contrast, otherwise it’s not clear why you have ‘However’ in the next sentence.
Also, the phrase ‘unsociable aspect’ is hard to understand in the context of the essay. Please, check the meaning of ‘unsociable’ in the dictionary (unsociable person – a person who doesn’t communicate much, tend to stay alone, introvert). There is another word – unsocial… which is closer in meaning but still is not appropriate for the sentence.
6) the whole part is hard to understand. ‘masses of ads by receiving junk mails’ doesn’t sound English. ‘stumbling on opening links’ – is not clear at all. You need to paraphrase it and make it simpler. For instance, working in the Internet we are bombarded with numerous ads that come as junk mail to our mailboxes or as links that open automatically when we browse the net and so on.
Also, I would be highly careful to use words like ‘bombard’, ‘stumble’, etc. in figurative meaning as long as you haven’t seen the same meaning in an original text, for example, a book or a publication. The second meaning that we may use in Russian language can be unacceptable in English.
---

Unethical advertising aggressively imposes stereotypes, views, social/behavioural models of the relation to people (7) which have this or that specific features (. For example, recently the life of stout (9) people has become intolerable. (10) From ads they learn, that in their near future illnesses, career problems, and also home life crash will await them. Advertising asserts, that all problems will disappear at once after (11) growing thin by taking some drugs or pills: (12) health will be restored, the husband will return. We are imposed (13) by models: to be thin, to be beautiful, to be successful. And people who are not up to a sample the standard will become social outcasts. Such type of advertising mustn’t be in our life.
---
7) the logic is lost. I mean, ‘…models of the relation to people which..’ doesn’t make much sense. I still can’t understand what unethical advertising actually does. Does it impose stereotypes on some groups of people or about some groups of people?
Generally, it would be cool if you firstly introduce the term ‘unethical advertising’ and then explain why it is unethical and what consequences it has. For instance, ‘In addition, some commercials could be viewed as unethical advertising by various groups of people. Those unethical ads impose specific stereotypes, views, and expected social and behavioural models in regards to particular groups of people, for example, obese people.
this or that… feature; these or those… features.
9) some people would argue that being stout equals being fat. A stout man could be the one who is big and very strong.
10) the used word order is not common for English. Also,
‘…in the near future…. will await…’ à ‘..blah-blah-blah… awaits them in the near future’.
‘…home life crash…’ à ‘…private/personal life problems…’
11) ‘..growing thin..’ à ‘..losing weight..’
12) the used approach is not really English one… let’s try to remove the colon, get rid of husband and forget about restoring health; for instance, ‘…all the problems will disappear at once after losing weight, so you will be healthy again with private life confidence in your pocket.’ sounds sarcastic
13) ‘..are imposed by models..’ à ‘.. are surrounded by stereotypes..’ or something similar. In this context, I would say the word ‘model’ is not appropriate as we definitely speak about stereotypes; otherwise, go for behavioural models or social models. Again, the use of colon in English is not as obvious as in Russian, so try to avoid it.
---

As a rule, companies and producers attempt to sell their goods and services (14) soever. In this case But, they should think whether the methods that they use in advertising conform to with moral aspects. In addition, today unethical and unacceptable commercials are (15) infract law. Authoritiesy of different countries fights against fraudulent (16) advertisers. Nonetheless, “the enemy” continues to grow. (17) Most probably he will be eliminated a long way off.
---
14) Have you actually seen the same way of using this word ‘soever’ in a similar context in original English literature??? Go for – at any costs.
15) the sentence is not readable. Apart from being unethical, these commercials infringe the law.
16) sorry, the phrase ‘..fraudulent advertisers’ is out of context here. Fraudulent advertising is when McDonald’s claim to be the best healthiest option for growing kids as they have minimum calories in their burgers. In case of spam e-mails or stereotypes of beauty slim figures there is no fraudulent advertising.
17) the logic went asleep before you came to these sentences, heh? joke.
In spite of efforts taken by the authorities, the ‘enemy’ is still growing. But we hope that the further actions will be taken down the track, so the advertising techniques can employ ethical methods only.
---

To sum up, in my opinion, companies should try to avoid immoral (1 and unethical methods in advertising due as to many people can suffer from them.
---
1 immoral advertising is when Nokia tries to sell their mobiles with strong vibration as excellent substitutes to hubbies; or Winchester guns are advertised by kids who kill their parents with single shot (rude jokes).

В целом я бы обратил внимание на следующие аспекты:
- использование фигуративной речи в формальной письменной работе я бы избегал. Во-первых, нет уверенности что бомбардировка спамом или враг растет будут понятны англоговорящему при прямом переводе слов,
- использование глаголов, слов из словаря и прямой перевод порядка слов в предложении так же нужно избегать. В письменной работе не нужно мудрить и пытаться завернуть красивый оборот речи или вставить какой-нить русский оборотик в прямом переводе, ибо это может не сработать, а лишь создаст непонимание со стороны читающего. В письменной работе вы показываете формы языка, которые вы усвоили на данный момент, т.е. формы из учебных пособий или английской литературы. Другими словами, не нужно стараться делать двойной деепричастный оборот в кубе с поговорками и стебом из русского сленга

В остальном все окей.
А вы кстати перечитываете периодически что было написано на данный момент в процессе написания работы? Т.е. написать абзац, прочитать, подумать, написать следующий, прочитать сначала и т.п. Позволяет следить за структурой.

[Balamut5]

Дорогие форумчане еще раз с новым годом, я написал еще один кошмар, пожалуйста проверьте и дайте справедливую оценку, если будет много ошибок, проявите терпения, Москва не сразу строилось!!!
Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This practice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negative impact on others. to what extent is this style of managment effective? Are there better ways of encouraging employees to work hard

Ученые умы и просветленный менеджмент ТОМА пишут на тему мотивации а тут нужно уложиться в 250 слов. О-Ф-И-Г-Е-Т-Ь тема )

[taha]

Ученые умы и просветленный менеджмент ТОМА пишут на тему мотивации а тут нужно уложиться в 250 слов. О-Ф-И-Г-Е-Т-Ь тема )

Согласен тема кошмар, но надо писать и нужна оценка, пожалуйста проверьте!!!

[Aleks]

Уважаемые форумчане, покритикуйте пожалуйста еще одно письмо. Спасибо.

Write a letter to an English speaking friend. In your letter
1) explain why you changed jobs
2) describe your new job
3) tell him/her your your other news

Dear Mark,
I am so sorry that after our last meeting I have not written for you anything. I am so tired after my work , that I have only one thing which I need, it is a good sleep. Now I have half an hour to describe my latest news.
If you remember. I was worked for 'Diamand Enterprise' for five years and you can imagine how I was astonished when they fired me befor Cristmas. You know that I was the best player in thier team. But thank God, I have a new job as a sales manager in one of the famous company in Belorussia now. They prodused tractors and I help to sell it all over the world. In any case it was a big step to a new life.
Do you remember my girlfriend Jane? We said god bye to each other. At the moment I am alone.
I am waiting for your visit in next month and I will explain you everything not such a short form like it is. I have to go now. Waiting for your answer.

With best wishes,
Alex

[Nelly]

спасибо огромное))) порадовал столь подробный обзор моего эссе))

а не скажите на сколько баллов тянет?

[Balamut5]

спасибо огромное))) порадовал столь подробный обзор моего эссе))

а не скажите на сколько баллов тянет?

Я не знаю каким образом они оценивают ошибки (в том числе и что они считают за ошибки) и соответственно не знаю как вычисляется итоговая оценка.

[Balamut5]

Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This practice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negative impact on others. to what extent is this style of managment effective? Are there better ways of encouraging employees to work hard


It today’s world people have to work, in order to support their familiesy and necessitiesy. Some employers reward workers for a well done work good job to the company with by giving them extra money or days off holiday. I think that it is fair, because every profitable work must compensate. In this essay I will analyse advantages and disadvantages of this style of management and make suggestions about ways of encouraging employees to work harder.
---
- ‘to support their necessity’ is not common, would be better to say ‘to support their needs’ or ‘provide for their needs’.
- ‘..for a good job..’, arguably the word ‘job’ refers to the place/title that we do in the workplace, and the word ‘work’ refers to activities/tasks that we do in the workplace. Otherwise, you can reward for a well-done job after the contract is finished (for contractors).
- ‘..to the company..’, ‘..by giving them..’, - are redundant. You may write like this if you need to increase the number of words in essay.
- ‘..holiday’, employers can reward with extra days off or additional vacation time, rather than holidays.
- ‘..every profitable work must compensate.’, looks like out of context plus hard to understand. Following the logic of previous sentences, I believe that you wanted to say that ‘… every good work must be rewarded / appreciated’.
- the next sentence goes about ‘..this style of management..’ though you haven’t introduced this notion yet. Try to build more smooth links between sentences and paragraphs.
---

Firstly, we live together in a the society, where we work and study. The job is a small model of society among co-workers, where people needs a some competitions to achieve for good results. Therefore, some employers practice to reward members of staff. It brings a many advantages for the/a company, because when employees know about bonus, they will try to be better than other workers. Employees will finish work on time and will make suggestions about improvement of work, as a result the company get a many benefits.
---
- the first sentence is banal and doesn’t tell anything. It makes me feel that you try to add as many words as possible instead of putting nice sentences that would open the topic.
- ‘.. The job is..’, personally don’t like the beginning. For instance, ‘At work we form a social group with our co-workers, business partners, and customers, where some competition may help achieve higher results.’
- you can’t say ‘a some competitions’, either ‘a competition’, or ‘some competition(s)’, or ‘competitions’.
- ‘..competitions for good results’, it’s clumsy, really need a verb to connect competition and good results.
- many errors with articles, especially basic rules like the use of indefinite article with plurals.
---

However, some scientists consider that this method can bring about a negative effect on workers. They will try to get bonus from employers, meanwhile forgetting they forget about friendship, team work. In addition, it brings stress, tension, and troubles among employees.
---
- ‘..get bonus from employers..’, the phrase ‘from employers’ is redundant.
- ‘..it brings… trouble..’, in this case you are specific as you use singular form of the word trouble. If it’s so, then you need to specify what kind of trouble is caused by this management style. I guess it would be better to omit it and just say ‘.. it brings stresses and tensions among employees’.
---

Secondly, there are many ways of encouraging employees to work harder, therefore and employers should combine different methods. For example, in the my company, where I used to work for, every month our boss allowed us to us elect/select/choose the best worker, after he reward him. It was a good way for us, because we have decided together, who would/should win in a this month without argue.
---
- you can’t really use the word ‘Secondly’ here. This word should lead to additional examples of why this management style is not good. On the contrary, you switch to other ways of encouraging employees.
- the same is about the word ‘therefore’, you can’t really say that.
- the phrase construction in ‘..every month our boss allowed…’ is not typical English; would be better to have it as ‘..the boss encouraged/suggested the process of selecting the best employee of the month..’.
- ‘..after he reward him..’ is out of context, not clear what you mean by that.
-‘..without arguing’… really? so nobody fought for being number one?
---

Finally, employers must always must remember about their staff your labours and make conditions for efficient work.
---
- Again, you go for ‘Secondly’ and ‘Finally’; these words are appropriate when you enumerate the relevant pros or cons to your idea. In the previous paragraph you introduced a new way of encouraging employees, so you couldn’t really put ‘Secondly’ there. Here, you provide a general statement and again you can’t use the word ‘Finally’. BTW, the statement is more relevant to the conclusion.
- the word ‘efficient’ doesn’t sound well here… would rather go for ‘effective’ or just paraphrase it; for instance, ‘.. and make the work conditions that would secure excellent results’.
---

To sum up, I think that this statement is a very topical and I believe that every employers finds their its own ways of encouraging employees to work hard.
---
- ‘..this statement is..’, what statement?
- ‘… a very topical..’, topical? may be relevant?
- you can’t say ‘every + plural’.
---

Понимаю, что Москва не сразу строилась, но в тексте присутствуют достаточно банальные ошибки с артиклями и множественным/единственным числом.

[Balamut5]

Уважаемые форумчане, покритикуйте пожалуйста еще одно письмо. Спасибо.

Write a letter to an English speaking friend. In your letter
1) explain why you changed jobs
2) describe your new job
3) tell him/her your your other news

Dear Mark,

I am so sorry that after our last meeting I have not written to for you anything. I am so tired after my work , that I have only one thing in mind which is I need, it is a good sleep. Now, I have half an hour to tell describe my latest news.
---
- '..I have only one thing..', I'm not sure you can say that, you can have one thing in mind or one thought/desire/etc.
---

If you remember, . I was worked for 'Diamand Enterprise' for five years and you can imagine how astonished I was astonished when they fired me before Christmas. You know that I was the best player in thier team. But thank God, I have found a new job as a sales manager in one of the famous Bellorussian company in Belorussia now. They produced tractors and I help to sell them it (I hope they produce more than one tractor all over the world. In any case it was a big step to a new life.
---
- '..But thanks God..', please, don't touch God in your writing as you never know who is going to read your essay.
- '..In any case it was a big step to a new life.', sounds bad; it could be a new step in your career, though.
---

Do you remember my girlfriend Jane? We said good bye to each other. At the moment I am alone.
I am waiting for your visit in next month and I will explain to you everything not such a short form like it is. I have to go now. Waiting for your answer.
---
- '..everything not such a short form like it is', unreadable and should be paraphrased.
- '..Waiting for your answer..', I would rather avoid using such forms on exam writings.
---

With best wishes,
Alex

Все окей, есть пара мелких ошибок и потерь контекста.
Про Бога... действительно лучше это избегать как мне кажется, все же люди разные бывают... кому-то непонравится использование имени Бога в суе, а кто-то окажется мусульманином

[Balamut5]

Отшлифовываю варианты Conclusion... Пожалуйста посмотрите все ли с такой заготовкой к концовке в порядке? тавталогий нет? Запятые на месте?

...
On the whole, it would seem that an intermediate position can be taken. However, taking into account everything mentioned above, I am inclined to believe that ...

Спасибо!

Прекрасный подход, если писать больше не о чем, а слова добрать нужно. I'd rather be concise and informative but if you really need to tread water, it's a way out.

[Balamut5]

Could at least somebody share his/her opinion regarding my essay, please?


Creative artists should be given freedom to express their ideas (words, pictures, music and films). However some people think government should take some restriction with them. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give your reasons with own knowledge and give examples.


Free speech is believed to be one of the most significant achievements of the modern society. The ability to express of expressing their intentions and dreams gives provides each member of the society with a proud feeling proud of their lifestyle and contributes to the civilization’s culture with new ideas, and leaves a trace in the history.
---
- '..the ability to express their intentions and dreams..' - does it really reflect the notion of free speech? Free speech is the ability to speak what you think without fear of being punished.
- '..provide with feeling proud..', it doesn't sound. 'Provide with' means to give something, hence it provides the society with a pride, n (rather than proud, adj.)
---

However in some cases the final product - a movie, a picture or a musical composition - can be malign, i.e. for instance, they can incite a crowd to hatred, or be offensive for some communities. So, all controversial cases should be properly considered by an independent group of experts, in order to prevent unrests which might may happen/occur be caused, like it was in the case with depiction of Mohammed prophet in Danish newspapers.
---
- '..ie. incite..', to incite is a verb, so you can't put it like this.
- '..might be caused..', I'm not sure you can put it like this.
---

A feeling that a simple man or woman can change the world simply by the power of art is the distinguishing feature of a developed post-industrial society. The history of mankind definitely proves that as more serious oppression is applied the more sparked tension is got. Plus cultural benefit is out of the question.
---
- feeling cannot really be a distinguishing feature. I guess the phrase 'A feeling that..' should be changed to something else..
- '..as more serious oppression is applied the more sparked tension is got..', badly structured; could be '..the more opperssion is applied, the more tensions happen' or '.. the more serious oppression eventually sparks the strong tension..', etc.
- '...Plus cultural benefit is out of the question', the whole sentence is out of context.
---

However, some basic society values should be secured and defended in order to make the development of the corresponding country more sustainable. So, that’s why there must be a kind of state running control over the output of the local creators. The reasons for restricting or even banning a non-benign product can be as follows following: indecent content (violence, pornography) propaganda of forbidden ideas (Nazism and so on).
---
when you enumerate the reasons, then you need to give a couple of them, not just one.
---

From my point of view “free speech” is a primary pillar of a modern style of life, but all everything should be in moderation. So, the ability to express of expressing should neither be banned or sacrificed for the sake of the ruling minority, but just be impartially checked for toeing the line, i.e. only one rule ought to be applied – a product of the art shouldn’t break general rules, and access to some ‘naughty’ content should be restricted.
---
the last sentence is constructed badly, the logic is lost a bit. You say that the freedom of speech shouldn't be banned or sacrificed for the sake of the ruling minority (why minority btw?), and then you strongly contradict your words as you suggest to ban some content. I understand your position, but the sentence should be reworked.
---

С английским в целом окей, маленькие ошибки есть у всех. Удивило скорее расплывчатая манера письма, но это видимо личный стиль. Я бы старался в рамках экзаменационной работы писать кратко, по существу, используя красивую и приемлимую лексику, стараясь избегать жестких высказываний, четко передавая свои мысли читающему по-средством ясной структуры и простых примеров.

Другими словами, вместо "Свобода слова - это великолепное изобретение, которое присуще нашему обществу, выросшему из оков прошлого, ограничивающего свободу изливания порывов души посредством культурных аспектов, таких как: рисование, музыка и т.п......", вообщем стоит писать "Свобода слова присуща современному обществу".
Первый подход к письму тоже правильный, но тогда будут сложности с раскрытием темы на 250 слов.

[taha]

Понимаю, что Москва не сразу строилась, но в тексте присутствуют достаточно банальные ошибки с артиклями и множественным/единственным числом.

Спасибо за разбор полетов, я понимаю что сейчас мой уровень writing низкий, я повторю грамматику, но надо писать, набивать технику, что вы можете посоветовать мне нужен 6,5 band, я смогу через два месяца набрать этот балл!!! С уважением Taha

[Balamut5]

Спасибо за разбор полетов, я понимаю что сейчас мой уровень writing низкий, я повторю грамматику, но надо писать, набивать технику, что вы можете посоветовать мне нужен 6,5 band, я смогу через два месяца набрать этот балл!!! С уважением Taha

Я знаю сможете ли вы набрать необходимый бал. Как у вас обстоят дела с аудированием, чтением, и разговорной речью? Т.е. можно ли сказать что письмо самый сложный предмет для вас или кроме письма есть проблемы?

В целом могу посоветовать в письме
- использовать лекску и формы, которые вы знаете и изучали в рамках курсов,
- использовать слова, которые вы знаете и изучали в рамках курсов, т.е. никаких там сложных слов, когда вы не уверены в том правильно ли применяете это слово
- если есть мысль, но ее сложно выразить при текущем уровне языка, то необходимо не городить нечто вроде русинглиша, а либо перефразировать и описать ситуацию более простым словами, либо изменить саму мысль.
- не нужно стремиться к сложным выражениям, так как в них больше шансов допустить ошибки

Пишите есчё