My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Mariyam]

Попробуйте усиленно заняться чтением типовых эссе. Возможно их можно скачать с каких-либо ресурсов, вроде бы и тут кидали ссылку. Суть в том, чтобы прочитать 150-200 эссе и понять какие применяются формы, какой уровень лексики и структуры изложения ожидается, вообщем нахвататься. Возможно поможет получить 6ки в конце февраля.

Киньте пожалуйста ссылки еще раз. В теме найти не могу, гугл помог, но не сильно... Очень нужно, экзамен в субботу!

[Balamut5]

Киньте пожалуйста ссылки еще раз. В теме найти не могу, гугл помог, но не сильно... Очень нужно, экзамен в субботу!

That's what I could find right now through google:
ielts writing task 2 essay (400 plus essay) -- here lots of essays, though not the best ones.
HELP YOU PASS OUT - has many essay examples
IELTS Essay Samples Listed by Topic
IELTS band 7. If your target is band 7 in IELTS, read this article for tips on how to get a band 7 score in the IELTS exam.
IELTS Essay Samples of Band 8 | IELTS-Blog

Essays that you can find in the links will definitely have errors. It's not the issue. The most important thing is that they give you understanding of what an essay for 5 or 6 or 7 score points should look like.

[Mariyam]

Спасибо большое!

[I_am_Unicorn]

My next one

No dictionary, no spelling correction, as we agreed writing time is 34 min.

2.Some people say that children should be disciplined in their early age, and punishment should be used. To some extent do you agree? What kind of punishment can be used by teachers and parents?

Every member of the modern society should understand that children are our future. The future wellbeing of our nation depends on the input we make in them today. It means that our youngsters need structure and discipline since the early years.
On the one hand, there are many developments in teaching and upbringing children of preschool and school age. They prove the sufficiency of discipline. Kids feel themselves more confident when they get into society in Kindergartens or schools if they were previousely trained to follow the rules.
On the other hand, there are countries where parents do not pay much attention to upbringing of their children in their early years. For instance, in China people let their kids do whatever they want, behave any way they like till the certain age. When the children reach this age, parents start to discipline them strictly. I consider this attitude harmful because kids get confused and frustrated with such an unexpected change in their parents’ behaviour. Such boy and girls feel unwanted and unloved.
Moreover, parents and teachers may start to use punishment towards their kids and pupils. In some countries, including stated above, even physical ways of punishment are accepted. However, there are many methods of mental and emotional correction of children’s behaviour, which are much more effective and much less harmful and risky.
In conclusion, it would be appropriate to state that applying of discipline to children in their early age is a rather helpful, while using only scientifically proved methods of behaviour correction. We should always remember that everything we do to our children should be done with love and respect.

[taha]

It's good English though you have some small nagging mistakes.

He/She = They; when young people travel, they..., not 'he'.

a bad habits... plural form and indefinite article.

do something with 'because', you have it almost everywhere. There are plenty of other connecting words that can be employed and they would work much better than simple 'because'.

The structure is good, logic is good, context is good.
A couple of place, where the logic was lost. Try to read your essay aloud after it's finished. Sometimes it can help to find disconnections in logic.

Спасибо большое, буду стараться еще, я зарегистрировался на 20 февраля, я усиленно повторяю грамматику, Москва не сразу строилась, но вместе мы построем быстро. Мы строили, строили и вот построили!!!

[Laura 1981]

Check and correct please
Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

- In what ways are computers a hindrance?
- What is your opinion?
Usage of computers grows day by day, which really becomes such an indispensable tool for generation. But, it has also some negative sides too.
On the one hand, computers are very developed, so that they facilitate the work we do.
Firstly, all papers are required to be done on computers. Moreover, usage of internet enables people to obtain all information they need.
Secondly, computers are used such as indispensable tools even at schools.
For example, parents make their children use a computer not for playing or whatever else, but to extend their children's knowledge and to help them to self-managing, which are the main priorities of our world. If there is no computer, as if the world stopped moving. Another examples, a person, who wants to withdraw his money from the cash - machine can not do that, if the computer does not work. Just the most ordinary thing, we deal with is booking tickets via internet, which provides all opportunities to book tickets easily, without going anywhere.
On the other hand, it causes much problems, such as wasting power and ecological damage. As computers are used everywhere, even at works they can switched on from the morning till night, spending a lot of power, which has negative aspects to economy of any country.
In my point of view there are no ways to cause a hindrance in using computers. On the contrary computers are high-levelled techniques for human being.
In conclusion, having taken into a consideration the points of view, computers are used in favour of people, facilitating their work and developing their ability to work, notwithstanding a little bit negative sides, which are expected to be improved. And we will not reckoned with such problems any more.

[I_am_Unicorn]

Check and correct please
Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

- In what ways are computers a hindrance?
- What is your opinion?
Usage of computers grows day by day, which really becomes such an indispensable tool for generation.
Computers are very developed, so that they facilitate the work we do.
Firstly, all papers are required to be done on computers. Moreover, usage of internet enables people to obtain all information they need.
Secondly, computers are used such as indispensable tools even at schools.
For example, parents make their children use a computer not for playing or whatever else, but to extend their children's knowledge and to help them to self-managing, which are the main priorities of our world. If there is no computer, as if the world stopped moving. Another examples, a person, who wants to withdraw his money from the cash - machine can not do that, if the computer does not work. Just the most ordinary thing, we deal with is booking tickets via internet, which provides all opportunities to book tickets easily, without going anywhere.
In my point of view there are no ways to cause a hindrance in using computers. On the contrary computers are high-levelled techniques for human being.
In conclusion, computers are used in favour of people, facilitating their work and developing their ability to work.

Laura 1981, скажу, как минимум, что у Вас недобор по словам (всего 200 вместо 250). больше можно, меньше - нет, это серьезно бьет по оценке.

[Laura 1981]

Pozhaluista proverte moi essay. I daite otsenku.
Laura 1981

[kyp]

Pozhaluista proverte moi essay. I daite otsenku.
Laura 1981

На 6 не потянет как минимум по 2м причинам:
1 - слов не хватает
2 - вы сьехали с темы. вас просили рассказать про то как компы могут навредить а не рассказывать какие они полезные.- In what ways are computers a hindrance? (в каких случаях компутеры могут быть помехой)
структура эссе не верная исходя из задания.

[Balamut5]

No dictionary, no spelling correction, as we agreed writing time is 34 min.

2.Some people say that children should be disciplined in their early age, and punishment should be used. To some extent do you agree? What kind of punishment can be used by teachers and parents?

Every member of the modern society should understand that children are our future. The future wellbeing of our nation depends on the input we make in them today. It means that our youngsters need a structure and a discipline since the early age years.
---
‘.. on the input we make in them today’, this doesn’t sound English to me; would be better to go for ‘.. depends on correct upbringing/education that we provide to your children today’.
‘.. need a structure..’, it’s hard to understand; would be better to change to ‘need a daily routine’, or ‘.. need an order in the life..’, or ‘.. need to be disciplined within educational framework’ Anyway, you can’t just leave the word ‘a structure’ without any supporting words.
‘..early age’, strong collocation
---

On the one hand, there are many developments in teaching and upbringing techniques for children of preschool and school age. They prove the sufficiency of discipline. Kids feel themselves more confident when they get into society and get along with their lives better in Kkindergartens or schools societies if they were previousely trained to follow the rules.


On the other hand, there are countries where parents do not pay much attention to upbringing of their children in their early years. For instance, in China people let their kids do whatever they want, behave any way they like till the certain age. When the children reach this that age, parents start to disciplining them strictly. I consider this attitude as harmful because kids often get confused and frustrated with such an unexpected change in their parents’ behaviour. Such a boy and or a girl would feel unwanted and unloved.
---
‘.. this age..’, you haven’t specified what the age is, so we go for ‘..that age’.
---

Moreover, parents and teachers may start to using punishment towards their kids and pupils. In some countries, including stated above, even physical ways of punishment are accepted. However, there are many methods of mental and emotional correction of children’s behaviour, which are much more effective and much less harmful and risky.
---
‘.. physical ways of punishment..’, normally it is ‘corporal punishment’.
---

In conclusion, it would be appropriate to state that applying application of discipline to children in their early age is a rather helpful, while using if only scientifically proved methods of behaviour correction are used. We should always remember that everything we do to our children should be done with love and respect.
---
‘.. is a rather helpful’, since you use indefinite article you need to have a noun; so either ‘ a rather helpful thing’ or ‘rather helpful’ without article.
---

[Balamut5]

Check and correct please
Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

- In what ways are computers a hindrance?
- What is your opinion?


Usage of computers grows day by day, (1) which really becomes such an indispensable tool for generation. But, (2) it has also some negative sides also too.
---
1 – слово which использовано некорректно либо нужно что-то сделать со словом tool. Использование компьютеров не может стать незаменимой вещью (tool), только не в данном значении. Компьютер же может быть indispensable tool. Можно, к примеру, сказать – Usage of computers… and it really becomes important for our and future generations.
2 – что это? компьютеры имеют негативные стороны или использование компьютеров; из контекста не ясно.
---

On the one hand, computers are (3) very developed, so that they facilitate the work we do.
Firstly, all papers (4) are required to be done on computers. Moreover, usage (5) of internet enables people to obtain all information they need.
---
3 – ну так не говорят, можно well-developed или highly sophisticated devil boxes ну или что-нибудь подобное.
so that требует can, например, ..so that they can facilitate… Однако, в данном случае разрыв контекста, т.е. читаем «компьютеры сильно развиты, так что они помогают работе которую мы делаем»; как-то так это будет звучать для иностранца. Вариант, Computers are sophisticated highly developed technological tools that we can use to facilitate the work we do.
4 – all papers are required, непонятно что имелось ввиду. Заявление весьма категоричное, тут даже не выбор, а утверждение что all papers are required to be done on computers, но не понятно только что это означает, а жаль…
5 – всегда the Internet. Так же, ‘the usage of..’, нужен определенный артикль.
----

Secondly, computers are used such as indispensable tools even at schools.
---
бред, непонятно что имелось ввиду тут. Вариант, computers are used in schools and play important role in children education.
---

For example, parents (6) make their children to use a computers not only for playing or whatever else, but also for the expansion of to extend their children's knowledge and to (7) help them to self-managing, which are the main priorities of our world. If there is no computer, ( as if the world stopped moving.
---
6 - как это example соотносится с предыдущим предложением, которое похоже было о школах?
‘…parents make their children..’ – в данном контексте означает – «родители заставляют своих детей».
‘… their children’s knowledge..’ – в данном контексте указывает на то, что родители понуждают детей использовать компьютеры не только для игр и чего бы там ни было, но еще и для расширения своих детских знаний…Т.е. понятие детские знания очень плохо тут звучит.
7 – ‘..to help them to..’ – можно опустить. Так же непонятно о какой саморегуляции идет речь. Так же получается что расширение детских знаний и саморегуляция являются главными приоритетами нашего мира.
8 – это предложение нужно сделать в сослагательном, т.е. если бы не было, то было бы. If there had been no computers, the world would have stopped moving. Звучит hideous, но грамматически верно.
---

Another good examples, is when a person, who wants to withdraw his money from an ATM, the cash - machine can not do that, if due to the computer (network?) failure does not work. Or just the most ordinary thing – the Internet booking, , we deal with is booking tickets via internet, which provides all the opportunities to book tickets easily, without going anywhere, would fail miserably if the computer network doesn’t work.


On the other hand, the use of computers may cause it causes much problems, such as power wastage wasting power and damage to ecology ecological damage. As Because computers are used everywhere, especially in the offices, even at works they can be switched on from the morning till night, and spend spending a lot of electricity power, and thus produce which has a negative effect aspects on to the economy of any country.


In my point of view there are no ways the use of computers can cause a hindrance to cause a hindrance in using computers. On the contrary, computers are indispensible technology tools high-levelled techniques (computers can’t be techniques and high-levelled is a funny word) for human beings.

In conclusion, After taking Haveing taken into a consideration the points of view described above, I believe that computers are used in favour of people to facilitate , facilitating their work and develop developing their ability to work (бред), regardless notwithstanding a small number little bit of negative sides, which are expected to be overcome in the future improved. And we will not be reckoning them as problems reckoned with such problems any more.

ммм.... из хорошего - Поздравляю с первым полугодием серьезного изучения английского языка.

Теперь серьезно. Какую оценку вы хотите получить на экзамене?
Ваш текущий уровень требует продолжения изучения языка и на мой взгляд сдавать экзамен пока рано.

Логика построения предложений - русская, что говорить о том, что вы слабо владеете языком пока что и вам неплохо было бы читать больше английской литературы. Берите связки, слова, формы из оригинальных источников, что есть - учебные пособия по-английскому и английская литература.

Передача мыслей тоже русская, причем и с русской точки зрения есть нестыковки в логике. Т.е. у меня ощущение, что и по-русски этот текст не звучал бы нормально. Возможно поможет вариант практики, когда вы
1) делаете brainstorming задачи (письменно! на бумаге!! указывая основные идеи вашего будущего эссе и примеры/выводы, которые хотели бы передать). И делаете это на русском языке (или родном языке).
2) пишете сочинение на русском языке, красивое, с четкой передачей мыслей.
3) пишете сочинение на английском языке.. упрощая мысли там где необходимо, чтобы можно было использовать формы языка, с которыми вы знакомы на данный момент.

Вообщем как-то так.

[I_am_Unicorn]

‘.. need a structure..’, it’s hard to understand; would be better to change to ‘need a daily routine’, or ‘.. need an order in the life..’, or ‘.. need to be disciplined within educational framework’ Anyway, you can’t just leave the word ‘a structure’ without any supporting words.

Actually, this collocation ("structure and discipline") just stuck into my memory since I watched the "American Beauty" movie So, I assumed that it can be used separate.

‘.. this age..’, you haven’t specified what the age is, so we go for ‘..that age’.

I tended to put "adolescence age" there. Would it have been correct?

[I_am_Unicorn]

Oh! Balamut5, a piece of your post gone while I was writing my reply

[Balamut5]

Oh! Balamut5, a piece of your post gone while I was writing my reply

I have to review the other part of my comments as they were not correct and didn't take into account all the aspects of your essay.

[Deniszb]

Hello All,

Could you please estimate which band I might expect with the following attempt?


More and more people using mobile phone and computer to instead of letters. Will letters disappear completely? Agree or disagree? How important of letter writing you think are?

Our generation is an eyewitness of an amazing change in mankind’s development caused by computers blitz and the wide spread of the Internet. It’s pretty easy nowadays to contact necessary person either by mobile phone or via instant messenger. Mail companies all over the world report their revenue has dramatically decreased since the rise of the e-mail standard. However, I believe regular post system and letters in particular can’t be defeated by their modern rivals.

At first sight electronic communication channels hold the cards: they are cheaper more reliable (perhaps it’s a controversial argument, but let it be) and they are “instant” in compare with a “paper” message. So it might seem letters will fade away with their zealots, who can’t accept the progress’ achievements. And by the next fifty years letters will have been buried in the local museums and recollections of some historical scientists.

Indeed the previous paragraph dyes the fate of the letters into black colors. But let try to consider some aspects of the letter writing which are able to make that process linger on in our daily routine. Firstly the letters hold such significant attribute as a physical existence. In order to compose a mail you need to devote some time for writing, you need to think of what you are going to write properly since you don’t have a chance to amend it like it was a text editor. Plus handwriting is a kind of snapshot of your current state, the reflection of your feeling. I don’t think Gordan Brown (who writes all mourn mails to the next of kin of an each died soldier on his own) could have expressed his sympathy better in any other way.

In conclusion I’d like to emphasize the fact that in some spheres letters can’t compete against instant communication channels, but they neither will be forsaken by the humanity.