My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Balamut5]

Топик звучал: Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

топик кстати интересный и сложноватый. Тут ожидается дискуссия о том нужно ли детям заниматься развлекательными вещами, которые не несут в себе ничего образовательного (философски говоря все нас чему-то учит), а являются лишь развлечением.
За: дети много учатся и им нужно отвлекаться, уходить от учебных дел. Взрослые к примеру пьют пиво или смотрят тупые сериалы. А чем дети хуже? Им тоже хочется глонуть колы, поваляться на песке, погонять мячик, позырить мультики, - вообщем все для того, чтобы развлечь свой мозг и тем самым подготовиться к новой учебной недели. Вон мой друган, его родители совсем задолбали кружками и активностями со смысловой нагрузкой. Ну и что? ну говорит он по-английски и китайски в 10 лет, зато у него ни одного синяка, девок не целовал и дружить с ним никто не хочет. ХОдить как отщепенец какой-то.
Против: развлекаясь дети много времени теряют, а время в детстве - это самое ценное! Треть нашего жизненного опыта приходится на первые 6-7 лет жизни! Ах если бы мои родители записали меня в кружок кройки и шитья, мне не пришлось бы сейчас тратить деньги на дорогую одежду.
Вывод. Вообщем я тут подумал, что лучше я потом как-нить поучу чего-нить. А пока я того, в футбол играть ушел.

Вот как-то так вот раскрывать тему нужно было.

[I_am_Unicorn]

За: дети много учатся и им нужно отвлекаться, уходить от учебных дел. Взрослые к примеру пьют пиво или смотрят тупые сериалы. А чем дети хуже? Им тоже хочется глонуть колы, поваляться на песке, погонять мячик, позырить мультики, - вообщем все для того, чтобы развлечь свой мозг и тем самым подготовиться к новой учебной недели. Вон мой друган, его родители совсем задолбали кружками и активностями со смысловой нагрузкой. Ну и что? ну говорит он по-английски и китайски в 10 лет, зато у него ни одного синяка, девок не целовал и дружить с ним никто не хочет. ХОдить как отщепенец какой-то. Против: развлекаясь дети много времени теряют, а время в детстве - это самое ценное! Треть нашего жизненного опыта приходится на первые 6-7 лет жизни! Ах если бы мои родители записали меня в кружок кройки и шитья, мне не пришлось бы сейчас тратить деньги на дорогую одежду. Вывод. Вообщем я тут подумал, что лучше я потом как-нить поучу чего-нить. А пока я того, в футбол играть ушел. Вот как-то так вот раскрывать тему нужно было.

Снимаю шляпу!
Идеально!

[Aleks]

топик кстати интересный и сложноватый. Тут ожидается дискуссия о том нужно ли детям заниматься развлекательными вещами, которые не несут в себе ничего образовательного (философски говоря все нас чему-то учит), а являются лишь развлечением.
За: дети много учатся и им нужно отвлекаться, уходить от учебных дел. Взрослые к примеру пьют пиво или смотрят тупые сериалы. А чем дети хуже? Им тоже хочется глонуть колы, поваляться на песке, погонять мячик, позырить мультики, - вообщем все для того, чтобы развлечь свой мозг и тем самым подготовиться к новой учебной недели. Вон мой друган, его родители совсем задолбали кружками и активностями со смысловой нагрузкой. Ну и что? ну говорит он по-английски и китайски в 10 лет, зато у него ни одного синяка, девок не целовал и дружить с ним никто не хочет. ХОдить как отщепенец какой-то.
Против: развлекаясь дети много времени теряют, а время в детстве - это самое ценное! Треть нашего жизненного опыта приходится на первые 6-7 лет жизни! Ах если бы мои родители записали меня в кружок кройки и шитья, мне не пришлось бы сейчас тратить деньги на дорогую одежду.
Вывод. Вообщем я тут подумал, что лучше я потом как-нить поучу чего-нить. А пока я того, в футбол играть ушел.

Вот как-то так вот раскрывать тему нужно было.

Спасибо большое за столь тщательную проверку. Продолжаем работать(себе установку даю)

[Горожанин]

Hi, everybody!) This is my first essay. How do you think, what score might be given for this work?

Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

One question that has a big deal of controversy over the years is higher education system. In particular, is it right to offer college or university education only for best students, or higher education should be available for everybody? In this essay I tend to show that advantages of offering higher education only to good students far outweighs possible disadvantages.
First of all, studying in a strong group of students usually increase quality of gained knoweldge. In psychology this is called the peer group effect. For example, if a person communicates with other people having more skills, experience and knowledge, he will also improve his abilities to a higher level.
Usually, the best students become the best professionals in their fields of activity. In my view, it is unquestionable that everybody wants to deal only with professionals, whatever they are doing: visiting their doctor, using a complex software, having their meal at a restaurant or even studying at university.
Finally, these is a simple logic: count of places offered by colleges and universities are strongly limited. In other words, higher education establishments can not take all of the applicants, so they have to make some competitions among students, for example, in a form of exams or interviews.
For these reasons I feel strongly that offering college or university education only for the best students is much more helpful for our society. But I do not mean that there would be any discrimination: if a student wants to enter a higher education establishment he has to make an effort and became a good student.

[I_am_Unicorn]

Essay outline

Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

As I see the topic. The exams cause some negative reactions from students and teachers. But somebody think that they are good to evaluate students’ knowledge.
What answer do the examiners expect? I guess they expect me to tell what bad effects they have on students and teachers and why are they so bad. Then I should write about positive effects of exams. And give my own opinion.
The structure (briefly)
Introduction. Paraphrase of topic. Own opinion for exams or against them.
Paragraph 1. Against exams: 1. Students are under pressure during the academic year. And then the additional stress during the exams affect their results. I am very nervous during the exams (example). 2. Teachers suffer from the tests too. 2.1. They work in nervous conditions. 2.2. Also, they can see the difference between the regular performance of their students and the tests results. So, they cannot evaluate students’ performance correctly. 3. I don’t like exams.
Paragraph 2. For exams: 1. The fastest way to evaluate students’ performance. 2. Preparations gives students pressure that keeps them in tonus. 3. They guarantee an unbiased approach to evaluation.
Conclusion. Exams are ok, but students should be informed how to overcome the stress.

[Balamut5]

Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

Introduction. Paraphrase of topic. Own opinion for exams or against them.
You may even write something like.

People concerned.. bad effects of exams on students and teachers. For instance... overstress, loss of confidence for students; additional workload, inability to properly measure students' progress for teachers. BTW, what are the bad effects on teachers? My position - positive, great tool maybe should take individual aspects into consideration.

Paragraph 1. Against exams: 1. Students are under pressure during the academic year. And then the additional stress during the exams affect their results. I am very nervous during the exams (example). 2. Teachers suffer from the tests too. 2.1. They work in nervous conditions. 2.2. Also, they can see the difference between the regular performance of their students and the tests results. So, they cannot evaluate students’ performance correctly. 3. I don’t like exams.
4. I can be a bright student and then, miss out some part of the material which moves me down on exam. OR bright students who can't take exams based on their psychology. Anyway why exams if students have to pass interim assignments?? maybe to suggest regular exams across smaller material???

--> Good approach! You've got 3+ ideas. Could it be too much? Could it lead to ideas not being expressed/explained completely? Would it hurt the structure and logic and lead to words excess?

Paragraph 2. For exams: 1. The fastest way to evaluate students’ performance. 2. Preparations gives students pressure that keeps them in tonus. 3. They guarantee an unbiased approach to evaluation.
+ try to connect with ideas against.. and suggest solution for some negative effects.. for example, have regular assessments + big exam but take everything into consideration, for instance, every exam or assessment has its weight in final score, so even if you don't ace exam (nerveous) but you're bright and smart, you can pass thru.

Conclusion. Exams are ok, but students should be informed how to overcome the stress.

This should be done within first couple of minutes before you start writing.. the gist of ideas could be written somewhere and then you just explain the ideas and interconnect them.
There could be many-many-many ideas and you do not need all of them. Choose 2-3 and put them neatly.

[Balamut5]

Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

One question that (1) has had a big deal of controversy (2) over the years is higher education system. In particular, is it right to offer college or university education only for best students, or higher education should be available for to everybody? In this essay I tend (3) to show that the advantages of offering higher education only to good students far outweighs (4) possible disadvantages.
---
(1)This is your sentence “One question… is higher education system.” – It is not a valid sentence. I fail to understand how an education system could be a question.
(2)“… that has a big deal of controversy over the years..”, - you cannot have Present Simple and time object with ‘over’. Either go for Present Perfect (Continuous) ‘..that has had a big deal of controversy over the years..’ or do something with ‘over’.
(3)“..I tend to show..”, - it’s a bit hard to understand; maybe, ‘... I try to show..’, ‘... I will explain…’, etc.
(4)“… the advantages… outweighs..”, - subject is plural

First of all, studying in a strong group of students usually (5) increases the quality of gained knowledge. In psychology this is called the peer group effect. For example, if a person communicates with other people who have having more skills, experience and knowledge, they he will also (6) improve his their abilities to a higher level.
---
(5)“… studying… increase..”, - subject is singular
(6)“.. improve their abilities to a higher level.”, - needs to be paraphrased, it’s clumsy. For instance, ‘.. significantly improve their abilities’, ‘…they will also move their abilities to a higher level’, etc.

Usually, the best students become the best professionals in their fields of activity. In my view, it is unquestionable that everybody wants to deal only with professionals, (7) whatever they are doing: visiting ( their doctor, using a complex software, having their meal at a restaurant or even studying at university.
---
(7)‘... deal with professionals only, whatever they are doing:..’, it’s clumsy. You’d better go for “..deal with professionals only whether they are visiting a doctor, use a complex software package or just have a meal at the restaurant.”
(as I wrote above, it would be better to put it as “..visiting a doctor, using complex software (software is uncountable, so no indefinite article), having a meal at restaurant or studying at university”. You don’t really need possessive pronouns here as you speak about general people in general situations.

Finally, these there is a simple logic: (9) the number of seats count of places offered by colleges and universities is are strongly limited. In other words, higher education establishments can not take all of the applicants, so they have to make some competitions among students (candidates?), for example, in a form of exams or interviews.
---
(9) I can be wrong but I think people don’t say ‘a count of places’ in regards to the number of available seats in uni.

For these reasons I feel strongly that (10) offering college or university should offer education only for to the best students only, as it is much more helpful to for our society. But I do not mean that there would be any discrimination: if a student wants to enter a higher education establishment, he they have has to make an effort and becoame a good student.
---
(10)the whole sentence is contracted wrongly. ‘..offering … is much more helpful…’, - the main sentence, but how it is connected with ‘..college or university education only for the best students…’ is unclear.

topic
You didn't discuss the views as it was requested but rather concentrated on advantages of limiting higher education to good students only. Also, it wouldn't have hurt if you'd explained what a good student means, ie had given a bit of context.

grammar
I'd say English is simple but clean. There are two serious mistakes only (1 and 10) where your sentence wasn't clear at all. It would be better to add more complex grammar like conditionals, passive, more complex vocabulary.

general impression
Quite a lot of sentences are constructed in a strange way (I didn't point at them). It's wrong and quite understandable but they sounded like in 20 years old English course books; particularly, the word order.
For instance, ... is it right to offer college ... only for best students, or higher education should be available for everybody? - this is not a typical English.

Anyway, I can't tell what the score you would get on exam, as I don't know the system how it's evaluated. It could be around 5.

[Горожанин]

Balamut5, thank you for your comments)

[433t]

Здравствуйте! Пожалуйста оцените мое первое сочинение.

Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

In the modern world the difference between women and men have nearly disappeared. Being successful for females means that they should perfectly combine business and family affairs. As a result, Kindergarten and schools for infants become more and more popular among mothers and their children.
Definitely, there are many benefits of using Kindergarten for both parents and children. First of all it makes adults feel free to realize themselves as workers on full potential. At second, infants who stay in these places become more independent and communicative than those who stay with mothers. As a result, they will be well-prepared and ready to live and study within other people.
On the other hand, growing in Kindergarten often makes infants feel apart from their families and they become more vulnerable to bad influences of other children. Therefore, these young people might easily get on a wrong way or acquire bad habits. It appears that they will have troubles with communication with their parents in the future. Children who stay with mothers are usually more polite, intelligent and educated because their mothers spent all time for their development.
In my opinion, although Kindergarten and nursery schools are extremely useful for parents, infants should stay with their mothers if it is possible until they go to school. As a result, they will be kinder, smarter and more thankful, they also will be perfect mothers and fathers in the future and certainly will care about their elder parents as like they did.

Огромное спасибо за внимание.

[I_am_Unicorn]

Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

Everybody knows that knowledge is power. Proper education for young people provides a society with great potential for development. That’s why a smart approach to process of teaching students and measuring their performance is necessary.
However, people concerned about the negative effects the testing has on both students and teachers. For example, when students sit their exams they usually get overstressed and loose their confidence. All these affect their results dramatically. That, in turn, confuses the examiners while evaluating the tests results. In the long run, we get the overall picture of students’ performance significantly blurred.
Otherwise, how one can measure students’ progress without exposing them to the pressure of examinations? Well, there is a number of solutions to this problem. At first, regular assessments across smaller material should be introduced. This should help students adapt to work under examination conditions and prepare them for a big final test. At second, these interim exams should have their weight in the final score, so if a student gets a bad mark on final exam (because of psychological or emotional factors) he or she* would still have a chance to pass through. This means that providing a student is bright and smart but has instable psychics, he or she can get high overall mark anyway and graduate successfully.
The topic of the essay is a rather disputable and requires a long discussion. But there is one notion that seems absolutely clear to me: while measuring the students’ performance the psychological factors should be taken into account. I totally accept the idea of examinations providing that all the aspects of the matter are taken into consideration.

*I don't know how to put "they" there

[Aleks]

Уважаемый господа покритикуйте пожалуйста мое следующее эссе со всей строгостью. Спасибо.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Throughout our life we have a lot of teachers from kindergartens, schools and universities. However, we have parents who are undoubtedly more interested in our life and our education. Also, parents help us to make first steps in our adult life. I can agree with the statement that our best tutors are parents and try to support this opinion with examples from my own experience.

On the one hand, parents play very important role in their children’s developing and education. Parents are our first tutors from whom we learn how to walk, speak and play with the others children. Although, nobody besides parents better know their offspring and their needs. Furthermore family members believe that their children could achieve more success then them. I have learnt a lot of useful things from my mother; moreover these tips regularly help me in terrible situation.

On the other hand, our relative could give us a huge amount of information about future adult life also about harmful habits such like drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Unfortunately, our family members could not provide for us all knowledge which we can receive from the teachers at schools and universities. That is why it is also important for children to have an all-round education.

In conclusion, I would like to express my own opinion. I support the statement that extended families are the best teachers, bur I also believe that children require more knowledge then parents can provide for them.

[Balamut5]

Здравствуйте! Пожалуйста оцените мое первое сочинение.

Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

In the modern world the difference between women and men have has (1) nearly disappeared. Being successful (2) for females means that they should perfectly combine business and family affairs. As a result, (3) kindergartens and schools for infants become more and more popular among mothers and (4) their children.
---
(1)‘…the difference…have… disappeared’, verb form is incorrect.
(2)‘Being a successful female means you should perfectly…’, this construction would sound better, imho.
(3)I believe kindergarten can be plural, and thus it should be plural here.
(4)I’m not sure that children have any power here.


Definitely, there are many benefits of using Kindergartens for both parents and children. First of all, it makes adults feel free to realize themselves (5) as workers on full potential. At second Secondly, infants who stay in these those places become more independent and communicative than those who stay with mothers. As a result, they will be well-prepared and ready to live and study within other people.
---
(5)‘… to realize themselves as workers on full potential’, doesn’t sound well; rather ‘.. to realise their full potential in work and career’.

On the other hand, growing in Kindergarten often makes infants feel apart from their families and they become more vulnerable to bad influences of other children. Therefore, these young people might easily get on a wrong way or acquire bad habits. It appears that they will have troubles with (6) communication with their parents in the future. Whereas, children who stay with mothers are usually more polite, intelligent, and educated as because their mothers spendt all the time (7) for their development.
---
(6) ‘..troubles with communication with their parents..’, - not clear what you mean. Do you speak about communicative problems, when children can’t communicate effectively? then ‘.. they will have communicative challenges with their parents..’.
(7) ‘..their mothers spent all time for their development.’, - not clear, need to be paraphrased. For instance, ‘.. their mothers spend all the time to develop their character and life skills’.

In my opinion, although Kindergarten and nursery schools are extremely useful for parents, infants should stay with their mothers if it is possible until they go to school. As a result, they will be kinder, smarter, and more thankful. They also will be perfect mothers and fathers in the future and certainly will care about their elder parents as like they did before.

Topic
There was a good beginning, where you set the topic and provided the connection between the ideas of women who have to go back to workplace and children who are sent to Kindergartens.

Later on, you mostly spoke about pros and cons of Kindergarten for children development; and the theme of women who want to get back to work disappeared. It would have been okay, should you come back to the main topic theme in the conclusion, for instance, contemplate about women fate, but you didn’t do it and finished on children development theme. But you didn't do that, so the position of women wasn't addressed at full in your essay. It could be a challenge.

Flow of ideas, composition
The flow of ideas was good and essay was easy to read. The only question that I had is the justifications in favour and against Kindergartens, they were sort of mixed. You say, ‘infants… become more independent and communicative… be well-prepared and ready to live and study…’, these are very strong statements for Kindergarten education and some of them contradict pros of home upbringing, like ‘Children … are usually more polite, intelligent and educated …’ It would make sense to outline your position and provide a solution on how the pros of Kindergarten education can be achieved at home. For instance, you may say that polite, intelligent, and educated children will not have troubles integrating into school society later on and the school education will only benefit from it as currently children with Kindergarten upbringing create all the mess due to them being on a ‘..wrong way or acquire bad habits..’.
It’s all about making an essay with clear logical thinking. It doesn't matter what your position is, as long as you can formulate it, provide evidence and justifications, draw examples from you life or research, and formulate firm conclusion. If the flow of ideas is blurred, it could be a challenge.

[433t]

Большое спасибо за анализ текста. Очень полезные советы. Обязательно все учту

[Balamut5]

Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

Everybody knows that knowledge is power. Proper education for young people provides a society with great potential for development. That is (1) why a smart approach to process of teaching students and measuring their performance is necessary.
---
(1) I believe we have to use full forms in formal writing, so ‘That is why..’

However (2), people are concerned about the negative effects the testing has on both students and teachers. For example, when students (3) have to sit their exams, they usually get overstressed and loose their confidence. All thesethat affects their results dramatically. That, in turn, confuses the examiners while evaluating the tests results. (4) In the long run, we get the overall picture of students’ performance significantly blurred.
---
(2) I don’t think that ‘However’ is a right linking word. I’d say that ‘However’ calls for comparison or contradiction. For instance, students are concerned about evaluations, however they must be done. I would go with ‘To begin with’, ‘Undoubtedly’, etc.
(3) When students know that they will have to sit the exam, they may become overstressed, and on the exam itself they may lose confidence and it will affect their results dramatically. The sentence didn’t show a clear logical thinking.
(4) disconnection of thoughts
Undoubtedly, people are concerned about the negative effects the testing has on both students and teachers. On the one hand, students become increasingly overstressed and irritated when an exam day approaches. It may result in lost concentration and confidence on the day and will dramatically affect the results. On the other hand, examiners are confused when they see bad results from bright students. In the long run, the overall picture of students’ performance is getting blurred, which disallow us to ensure the best outcome for the society.
-> Начали с общей фразы, которая включает в себя позиции студентов и учителей. Далеелинкуемпозициистудентовиучителей – On the one hand, on the other hand. Объясняем позицию студентов – проблема, как проявляет себя. Объясняем позицию учителей – проблема, как проявляет себя. Подводим вывод и связываем с главной темой из вводной части.


Yet Otherwise, how could one can measure students’ progress without exposing them to the pressure of examinations? Well, there is a number of solutions to this problem. (5) At first, regular assessments across smaller material should be introduced. This should help students adapt to work under examination conditions and prepare them for a big final test. At second, these interim exams should have their weight in the final score, so if a student gets a bad mark on final exam (because of psychological or emotional factors), (6) he or she* would still have a chance to pass through. This (7) means that providing a student is bright and smart but has inunstable psychics, he or she can get high overall mark anyway and graduate successfully.
---
(5) I’ve never seen phrases ‘At first’, ‘At second’, ‘At third’, etc. to be used to enumerate you propositions. It’s mostly used to say, ‘At first stage we will do one thing’, ‘At second thought I decided to do otherwise’. Besides, you suggest an approach and explain how it will help resolve the issue. Then, you need to introduce the suggestion and use ‘At first’ and ‘At second’ to explain how it’ll work. For instance, ‘I believe regular assessments across…. introduced. At first, it should help students… a big final test. At second, these interim…’.
(6) you can say ‘they would still..’ or ‘he or she would still..’.
(7) I see you love linking words You’d better go with ‘This means that if …’ in this particular sentence. Otherwise, it could be ‘This means that a student can get high overall mark anyway and graduate successfully, providing that they are bright and smart but have unstable psychic.’
-> would be nice to add a sentence that would summarise this paragraph and link it with what was said before. For instance, ‘In my opinion it is one of the best approaches to address the issue of the need to have proper evaluation process of students’ progress, yet do it in a stress free way.’

( The topic of the essay is a rather disputable and requires a long discussion. ButThere is one notion that seems absolutely clear to me: while measuring the students’ performance the psychological factors should be taken into account. I totally accept the idea of examinations, providing that all the aspects of the matter are taken into consideration.
---
( I believe you shouldn’t question the topic itself in your essay; avoid such things.

Everything was good, apart from a mess in linking words.
Also, I've seen good ideas and connections within paragraphs, and betwen paragraphs, and between paragraphs and main theme. It was okay. In some parts you could have done better and I send my example how I would've done it.

Flow of ideas
there is a lack of cohesion in the use of linking words; please, go through grammar rules on this topic. Linking words are necessary to maintain the structure of your writing but if used incorrectly, they can destroy it.

[Balamut5]

Большое спасибо за анализ текста. Очень полезные советы. Обязательно все учту

Со своей стороны прошу прощения, что долго не отвечал. Обычно все происходит быстро.