My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Balamut5]

[QUOTE=taha;1276215]Please check and correct!!! Best regards Taha

Some people believe that computers are more of a hindrance than a help in today’s world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

In this century of technology the usage of computers is increasing rapidly day by day. We use computers to carry out different assignments, but some people think that computers (1) have bring more drawbacks than advantages tofor human beings. I do notdon’t agree with this beliefidea and in the following paragraphs I will give some reasons to support my view in the following paragraphs.
---
Here, I’ve mainly noticed some choice of words issues.
- computers may bring more drawback/disadvantages than… особенновсвязке ..more..than..
- люди высказывают скорее belief / thought, а не idea.

Firstly, computers play a crucial role in our society, because they can facilitate our life. For instance, we can book railway tickets through the Internet without going to the railway station. During this time we might do homework or exercise.
Nevertheless, some young people pay more attention to their computers than their families and friends. They look like computer geeks, who cannot live without them. As a result, they cannot get on well with parents and friends well.
---
-хорошееначало ...play a crucial role in our society.. и далее идет достаточно слабый аргумент. Здесь бы желательно раскрыть claim с сильными аргументами и сделать связку на то, что эти здачаи больше не могут быть выполнены людьми.
-если ты говоришь в этом параграфе «за», то причем тут Nevertheless и дети? перенеси это в другой параграф и выскажи мысли «против».

However, if people don not use a computer too much, it might bring many benefits. Because we can use a computer as a shortage of our memory for keeping different information or as a communication tool with friends, especially when you live apart from your family.
Although, if people sit in front of a screen for long time, it will have a bad influence on their health. They will have problems with the back and the eyes or their weight.
---
-странный параграф... первое, второе и третье предложения вообще никак не связаны друг с другом.. что создает непонимание всего параграфа и его связи с твоей мыслью – компьютеры – это хорошо, и темой эссе.
-..use computer as a shortage of out memory… - непонятночтоимелосьввиду. Так же начало предложения не связано с его концовкой.
-Although – не в тему. Так же в этом предложении идут claims, которые не подтверждены.

To sum up, to be honest, it is difficult to decide about importance of the computer, but I believe, if people will keep the balance between using of computers and real life, it will be better for all of us and they may have only a good effect.[/QUOTE]

taha, данное эссе крайне неудачное на мой взгляд.
Начало было хорошим, была высказана позиция по вопросу и далее нужно было привести аргументы в поддержку, поднять негативные стороны (немного и по существу) и объяснить как их можно решить.

Так же, мне не совсем понятен подход, когда в начальном параграфе высказана мысль, что компьютеры это хорошо, а в последнем параграфе ставится вопрос опять (.. it is difficult to decide...). На мой взгляд, если ты считаешь что компьютеры - это хорошо, то последний параграф должен повторять эту мысль и суммировать позитив / негатив / способы решения негатива.

[Balamut5]

Прошу проверить мое эссе. По мне, не очень, но все же опыт.

Young children should stay in Kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to work earlier. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

It is a widespread phenomenon nowadaystoday, that women combine career developmentand with family and care about children. As a rule (1), mothers employ a nurse to take care about baby, while they work. (2) Some people connect this situation with new lifestyle and tendencies in modern society, when increases number of single mothers increases. At the same time, others suppose that it is harmful for children, because they need mother’s attention. (3) Personally, I absolutely sure that first year of children’s life is very essential and mother in turn have to surround her baby by warmth and love.
---
(1) unsupported categorical evidence; would rather say ‘choose’ or ‘some mothers decide on..’
(2) the sentence is unclear and out of context, badly constructed. For instance, ‘Some people believe this situation can contribute to the growth of single mothers which is a current tendency considered to be a lifestyle choice’. Whatever you choose, this statement doesn’t flow from previous sentences and not connected with the topic.
(3) don’t swerve from topic. You need to stick to mothers that decide to return to work earlier. So, you may say that you believe that mothers have to be with a child for at least the first year after birth, instead of going back to work, because a child needs their warmth and love at this precious moment of their lives.

Firstly, birth of baby ista very important event in life of any every parents, therefore they should be ready in both material and psychological sides. From real life examples we can see that intelligent people (4) bear children after they are 30th years of age, in a time whenthen they have all conditions to protect and support a new member of the family. This example shows a behaviour of responsible people who can plan their lives. (5)
---
(4) ‘bear children’ doesn’t sound well here; go for ‘decide to have’
(5) sorry, this paragraph has nothing to do with the topic, which is – do you agree or not that women should go back to work after giving birth and give their babies to kindergartens and nursery schools.

Secondly, in our society there are some deviations from the norm thenwhen mother is very young or she cares about a child alone. In thisthese situations, government care about them and provide withby additional benefits. For instance, in the USA government subsidisze women who raise a childechildren alone, and this money is enough to protect good condition for both mother and baby. (6)
---
(6) with all the respect, the paragraph is fine but it’s not really connected to the topic or the first paragraph. You really need to show the connection. At least, you might have said that some mothers are forced to go back to work instead of investing their time into the future of children as they need to support their families; and it’s especially true for single mothers. That’s why some countries, for instance, the USA, provide addition support.. blah-blah-blah..

In conclusion, motherhood is a great occasion in the life of every womaen, and besides she should enjoy by this time. (7) In turn, it is helpful for children’s health and mind. ( I believe that this tendency is likely to extend well into the future.
---
(7) in turn??? I doubt it’s a right linking word/phrase. Also, the sentence is disconnected and not logical. In other words, what is helpful for children health and mind? is it ‘in turn’ or the great occasion of being a mother??? Neither is logical.
( sorry, what tendency? the tendency to have children? or to be a great occasion of motherhood? or being helpful for children’s health and mind? It’s totally illogical.

Вроде неплохой английский, однако в ряде случаев слова либо были использованы неудачно, либо не подходили по смыслу.
Главная проблема, над которой нужно работать, - это серьезные разрывы контекста, логики повествования и полного не соответствия поставленному вопросу.

[Scratch-cat]

Balamut5, можно Вас попросить посмотреть эссе, опубликованное мной на предыдущей страницы, буду очень признательна

[bmy]

Уважаемые гуру, покритикуйте пожалуйста!

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea but it takes away some of our freedom.

Do you agree or disagree?


Nowadays more and more people all around the world are becoming aware of the negative effects of tobacco smoking on health. No surprise that many business owners and officials restrict smoking at work or public places fairly presuming that this measure will reduce losses on insurance and health care programmes. Even though such an approach is very controversy because of the violation of smoker’s rights, in my opinion, it is the most effective and justified way to protect public health from harmful passive smoking.
Smoldering cigarette produces a complex mixture of different chemicals most of which goes not through a filter but into the surrounding atmosphere thus spoiling dozens of cubic meters of air. It has been scientifically proven that just standing near the smoker affects your health greater than smoking itself because tobacco fumes go into lungs unfiltered. That is the reason why smoking should be banned at work and other crowded places like restaurants, stadiums etc.
However, smoking cannot be completely prohibited due to possible health issues related to nicotine addiction. The thing is, according to medical surveys, this chemical compound is a light drug which attributes to a state when organism demands another stick to be lighted. Obviously, nicotine addicted people cannot be simply ignored and special smoking places should be organized when possible.
Keeping in mind everything mentioned above, I personally believe that steps, which have been taken by different level authorities, are reasonable and effectively guarantee the right of non-smokers to breathe in clean air. Yet, additional work should be done to ensure that the smoking part of a population still has not lost its respectful right to inhale nicotine.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

[QUOTE=bmy;1276659]Уважаемые гуру, покритикуйте пожалуйста!

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea but it takes away some of our freedom.[/QUOTE]
А задание какое? Что делать-то надо?

• Discuss pros and cons
• What's you opinion?
• To what extent do you agree?

etc

[bmy]

прошу прощения, конечно
Do you agree or disagree?

[Deniszb]

Ещё одна попытка с учётом критики. Тема взята с Recent IELTS exams | IELTS-Blog. Перед тем как постить исправил грамматические ошибки (в районе 6-8 штук ). Что можно улучшить чтобы претендовать на шестёрку? Заранее спасибо.

There are companies that sponsor sports as a part of their advertising. Some people agree it has a good effect on the world of sports, other disagree. Discuss and give your opinion.

Nowadays an explosion in the popularity of professional sport can be observed. It encourages youths to partake in sport as a part of their daily routine and in so doing promotes healthier lifestyles in society. However, more comprehensive and holistic consideration should be given to this phenomenon. Commercials are believed to be the main (or at least a major) source of funding sportsmen and sport teams all over the world. Some people think it’s not worth applying to sport in order to keep it pure enough and save the initial ideals of the honest competition. From my point of view advertisements during sport event shouldn’t be banned, but a moderate restriction needs to be assigned to some aspects of the sport’s life just to regulate sponsoring companies.

Indeed sometimes soccer matches for instance replay commercials with running “human-boards” which linger on. The last straw would be an interactive ball with highlighted advertisements. Promoting beer and strong drinks can force supporters, youths with their fragile system of values in particular, to express their admiration to the given team by purchasing those goods and finally encourage a culture of drinking.

However, without crucial support like advertisements our modern sport system would fade away rapidly. It seems to me that sponsorship of sport can’t be severed from its target – it primarily contributes to sport positive effects rather than negative.

In conclusion I’d like to sum up all arguments on the sponsorship issue. There is a paradox between the self interested promotion of consumerism and the support of healthy and well regulated sport. But on balance the sponsorship of sport means the welcome promotion of one of life’s more wholesome activities.

[Shtuchka]

Главная проблема, над которой нужно работать, - это серьезные разрывы контекста, логики повествования и полного не соответствия поставленному вопросу.

Спасибо большое, буду продолжать работать над эссе

[Maimiti_Isabella]

прошу прощения, конечно
Do you agree or disagree?

I've just read your essay. Pretty good! How would you like me to proceed: publish it here or via Personal Messages?

[bmy]

I don't mind proceeding in the thread

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I don't mind proceeding in the thread

General comment first: I liked it! You English is rather good and the sentences are well developed and easy to follow. There are only few mistakes and they are nothing major. Just keep practising and try to develop your English to the higher level.

What IELTS score are you seeking BTW? I believe you've got 7 here. If lucky, maybe 7.5

Here's the link to the file: http://www.gday.ru/forum/members/mai...re1093-bmy.jpg

[bmy]

Thank you so much for your comments! I really appreciate the work you've done over my text.

The problem with this text, as well as with other my essays, is that it took me too long to compose it. Obviously, need to practice more.

I need IELTS for immigration purposes, so band 6 is my goal.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thank you so much for your comments! I really appreciate the work you've done over my text.

The problem with this text, as well as with other my essays, is that it took me too long to compose it. Obviously, need to practice more.

I need IELTS for immigration purposes, so band 6 is my goal.

practise (n,v - AmE)
practise (v - BrE)
practice (n - BrE)

As immigration purposes and IELTS score is concerned, I believe you should target 7 since the required score is more likely to go up than down

[taha]

[QUOTE=Balamut5;1276252]

Please check and correct!!! Best regards Taha

Some people believe that computers are more of a hindrance than a help in today’s world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

In this century of technology the usage of computers is increasing rapidly day by day. We use computers to carry out different assignments, but some people think that computers (1) have bring more drawbacks than advantages tofor human beings. I do notdon’t agree with this beliefidea and in the following paragraphs I will give some reasons to support my view in the following paragraphs.
---
Here, I’ve mainly noticed some choice of words issues.
- computers may bring more drawback/disadvantages than… особенновсвязке ..more..than..
- люди высказывают скорее belief / thought, а не idea.

Firstly, computers play a crucial role in our society, because they can facilitate our life. For instance, we can book railway tickets through the Internet without going to the railway station. During this time we might do homework or exercise.
Nevertheless, some young people pay more attention to their computers than their families and friends. They look like computer geeks, who cannot live without them. As a result, they cannot get on well with parents and friends well.
---
-хорошееначало ...play a crucial role in our society.. и далее идет достаточно слабый аргумент. Здесь бы желательно раскрыть claim с сильными аргументами и сделать связку на то, что эти здачаи больше не могут быть выполнены людьми.
-если ты говоришь в этом параграфе «за», то причем тут Nevertheless и дети? перенеси это в другой параграф и выскажи мысли «против».

However, if people don not use a computer too much, it might bring many benefits. Because we can use a computer as a shortage of our memory for keeping different information or as a communication tool with friends, especially when you live apart from your family.
Although, if people sit in front of a screen for long time, it will have a bad influence on their health. They will have problems with the back and the eyes or their weight.
---
-странный параграф... первое, второе и третье предложения вообще никак не связаны друг с другом.. что создает непонимание всего параграфа и его связи с твоей мыслью – компьютеры – это хорошо, и темой эссе.
-..use computer as a shortage of out memory… - непонятночтоимелосьввиду. Так же начало предложения не связано с его концовкой.
-Although – не в тему. Так же в этом предложении идут claims, которые не подтверждены.

To sum up, to be honest, it is difficult to decide about importance of the computer, but I believe, if people will keep the balance between using of computers and real life, it will be better for all of us and they may have only a good effect.[/QUOTE]

taha, данное эссе крайне неудачное на мой взгляд.
Начало было хорошим, была высказана позиция по вопросу и далее нужно было привести аргументы в поддержку, поднять негативные стороны (немного и по существу) и объяснить как их можно решить.

Так же, мне не совсем понятен подход, когда в начальном параграфе высказана мысль, что компьютеры это хорошо, а в последнем параграфе ставится вопрос опять (.. it is difficult to decide...). На мой взгляд, если ты считаешь что компьютеры - это хорошо, то последний параграф должен повторять эту мысль и суммировать позитив / негатив / способы решения негатива.

Спасибо за анализ, совсем запутался, мне надо было привести аргументы за и против и решить проблемы????

[Agathis]

Hello everyone. Could you please check and evaluate my IELTS essay?


Many people believe that television programs are of no value for children. Do you agree? Why or why not? Provide reasons and examples to support your response.

I disagree with this opinion because there are a lot of television programs that may be useful for children. Nowadays television has become one of the most important providers of information and it would be wrong decision to prevent children’s access to it. Of course there are a lot of other sources of information such as for example the Internet, but whereas they are also extremely important none of them can completely substitute television. In addition it is much easier to filtrate an information coming from TV programs than that a child might find in the Internet.
Children can learn a lot from watching TV programs. There are always a great opportunity to select those TV programs that will be very useful for your child. From animations and children’s films he can learn basic social communicational patterns and advance the understanding of what is good and what is bad. In order to become socially adapted a child should watch common TV programs designed for kids. Of course parents mustn’t allow their baby watching TV all day long. Besides the control of what programs will be watched they should also establish a limit on how much time can a child spend watching TV. For instance some psychologists suggest that it shouldn’t be more than one hour per day.
There are programs suitable for each particular age. For younger children the best choice would be animation films and those who approach to the age of teenagers a big range of programs can be useful. For example programs on nature, relations, music, culture etc. They can acquire a lot of knowledge from them and significantly develop their mentality.
There are always ways to shield your child from programs containing cruelty or other materials that could be harmful for baby’s psyche. It is important to be aware of what your baby gets from TV programs he watches. Therefore parents must observe all programs that their child watches, or at least look through announcements of them. Doing this they will be able to make watching television programs helpful for their child.
In the conclusion it isn’t very difficult to defend a child against any harmful impact even if he watches TV programs regularly. At the same time a moderate time spent on appropriate TV programs may develop him and improve his understanding of life.