My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Mira_n]

Из какой книги по подготовке к IELTS эта тема?

Что-то я просмотрела те, что у меня есть - не могу найти вот сразу. Сама запуталась.

[gush]

Ещё разок

Буду очень признателен, если немножко покопаетесь и в моей работе...

262 words...
The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer.

Scientific progress has never stopped and will not stop in the future. There have been a lot of changes during the thousands of years and they will happen in the future. People used to hunt using axes and spears, now they use shotguns or rifles. People used to ride horses to move somewhere, now they use cars, airplanes, ships and trains. What will be further?

First of all, I consider that people have always been trying to speed up. The first was the train, the second was the car, then was the airplane, the space shuttle, what will be next? I think that in nearest future it will be possible to move from one planet to another. It will not be expensive and will not take a lot of time. All vehicles will be using solar energy. And conditions of environment will become better.

It’s hard to imagine in present time that one person could remember such a volume of information as computers can. I believe that in nearest future people will be able to do this. Computers or chips will be inserted into their heads. Computers will be everywhere, moreover many actions will be operated using the internet.

For conclusion, I would like to say that world is changing and it’s changing every minute. People try to develop it and make it more comfortable. Everybody knows now the value of time and money. I think that some of us will see these changes. And I am even afraid to think about the changes which will take a place in next century.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Что-то я просмотрела те, что у меня есть - не могу найти вот сразу. Сама запуталась.

Sorry for not commenting on your essay; I sort of moved on and forgot about it.

I've never seen a taks like this in any IELTS books but perhaps this is something new, though it does look more TOEFL than IELTS.

Anyway, your English is very good. There are only a couple of mistakes in parallelism and punctuation. An example of the latter would be how 'therefore' is used. 'Therefore' is a linking word (similar to 'however') and cannot be used to join two clauses.

The sentence below would be an example of both problems.
It appears to me that revision in health funding is definitely required, and a new mathematical model formulated
In this sentence 'is' belongs to both verbs, required and formulated, which is an example of parallel structures (in fact I don't think this was your intention!). However, by putting the comma before 'and' you separated them and created two clauses as we can't have a comma between the subject and the verb. As a result, the second part becomes incomplete and is missing both the subject and the verb.

I don't know whether the essay was written under exam conditions but you've demonstrated a very good level of English and I believe it could fetch you an '8'.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Буду очень признателен, если немножко покопаетесь и в моей работе...

262 words...
[F&#111&#110<b></b>T<b></b>&#61Century Gothic]The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer.[/FONT]

[F&#111&#110<b></b>T<b></b>&#61Century Gothic] Scientific progress has never stopped and will not stop in the future. There have been a lot of changes during the thousands of years and they will happen in the future. People used to hunt using axes and spears, now they use shotguns or rifles. People used to ride horses to move somewhere, now they use cars, airplanes, ships and trains. What will be further?[/FONT]

[F&#111&#110<b></b>T<b></b>&#61Century Gothic] First of all, I consider that people have always been trying to speed up. The first was the train, the second was the car, then was the airplane, the space shuttle, what will be next? I think that in nearest future it will be possible to move from one planet to another. It will not be expensive and will not take a lot of time. All vehicles will be using solar energy. And conditions of environment will become better. [/FONT]

[F&#111&#110<b></b>T<b></b>&#61Century Gothic] It’s hard to imagine in present time that one person could remember such a volume of information as computers can. I believe that in nearest future people will be able to do this. Computers or chips will be inserted into their heads. Computers will be everywhere, moreover many actions will be operated using the internet. [/FONT]

[F&#111&#110<b></b>T<b></b>&#61Century Gothic] For conclusion, I would like to say that world is changing and it’s changing every minute. People try to develop it and make it more comfortable. Everybody knows now the value of time and money. I think that some of us will see these changes. And I am even afraid to think about the changes which will take a place in next century.[/FONT]

First of all, don't use 'fancy' fonts as they are too difficult to read

As for the essay, you obviously have a pretty good idea of how to write an essay and your language is not bad but your sentences are too simple. In addition, the ideas are repeated and this interferes with the meaning.

From the point of view of grammar, don't use 'and' as a linking word. 'And' is a conjunction and cannot be used to start a sentence in any semi-formal or formal writing.

My overall impression is 6, maily because you failed to demonstrate your ability to use more complex structures and a good range of lexical and grammatical devices.

[gush]

First of all, don't use 'fancy' fonts as they are too difficult to read

As for the essay, you obviously have a pretty good idea of how to write an essay and your language is not bad but your sentences are too simple. In addition, the ideas are repeated and this interferes with the meaning.

From the point of view of grammar, don't use 'and' as a linking word. 'And' is a conjunction and cannot be used to start a sentence in any semi-formal or formal writing.

My overall impression is 6, maily because you failed to demonstrate your ability to use more complex structures and a good range of lexical and grammatical devices.

Thanks a lot! I hope the next attempt will be better than this one.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thanks a lot! I hope the next attempt will be better than this one.

Just to make sure you understand the 'rules of the game': I'm not your tutor and while I personally am happy to have a look at the essays a couple of times, I'm not going to do this on a permanent basis. If there are others who are willing to help, then you're in luck.

[Yulia_N]

Добрый день. Оцените, пожалуйста эссе. На какой балл может оно претендовать. Экзамен уже в субботу. Поэтому врятли сильно смогу чтото уже улучшить. Просто хочется знать картину в общем. Спасибо.

Some people think that children get a better education if they study away from home at boarding schools. Others believe it is better for them to stay with their families and attend day school. Discuss both these points and give your opinion.

Receiving education in a boarding school in another city or having an opportunity to stay in a local school is a controversial issue. Some adults support the idea of getting education in other places instead of seeing their kids on a regular basis. However, others argue about this type of children education. That is why they prefer their kids to study in local places. This essay will discuss both points of view and personal opinion will be given.

There are a lot of advantages in receiving a school education away from home. One of the major benefits of this matter is the fact that in some cases a boarding school can provide more opportunities to study one or another subject deeper. That is why it is easier for a child to enter the university after such type of training. Another advantage is the point that this type of study and life help to make a child stronger and be prepared for adult life. Therefore, graduate from special schools is a quite popular solution in modern world.

However, there are a lot of advantages in having lessons in local school. Firstly, it is not so hard to study in comparison with a boarding school. Furthermore, a child can be always sure that parents will always help if something is not clear in studying subject. Secondly, local school id a good solution for parents who have not much money to pay for the education. Thus, saved income could be spent on more books or computer programs for kid to help him in his studying process.

To sum up which was mentioned above, both types of schools provide a lot of opportunities to a child. Therefore, it is difficult to make a choice which is better. As for me, I would like to see my child every day, but also want him to have better education. Thus, I am ready for relocation if it helps my kid to be competitive in future.

[Кровосися]

To sum up which was mentioned above (the above-said);
but also want him to have a better education ( артиклбь отсутствует);
that this type of study and life helps ( s не дописали);
Therefore, graduate from special schools ( как по мне, то правильно через герундий graduating);
it is not so hard to study ( hard - это физически тяжелый, утомительный, лучше difficult);computer programs for a kid (артикль упустили)
А так, как по мне, то очень классно написано.)) Но, думаю, знающие еще какие-нить мелочи найдут, типо артикля. Не филолог я

[Yulia_N]

Спасибо большое за замечания. Надеюсь на экзамене попадет нормальная тема

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день. Оцените, пожалуйста эссе. На какой балл может оно претендовать. Экзамен уже в субботу. Поэтому врятли сильно смогу чтото уже улучшить. Просто хочется знать картину в общем. Спасибо..

I'd say 6.5.

Достаточно много штампов и накрученности, что затрудняет чтение.

В предложении ниже все лишние слова выделены bold.
One of the major benefits of this matter is the fact that in some cases a boarding school can provide more opportunities to study one or another a subject deeper (or: in depth)
To sum up which was the mentioned above (to sum + comma is quite enough for this type of essay)

Other points to consider:
Some words are a bit too informal, e.g.: a lot of -> a range/a variety of opportunities
You haven't demonstrated a good range of grammatical and structural devices.
There are problems with parallelism.

[Yulia_N]

Maimiti_Isabella, огромное спасибо. Буду знать, что 7ки мне не светят. Значит над в любом случае подаваться до изменений в июле 2011

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Буду знать, что 7ки мне не светят.

Ну я не была бы так категорична. Если судить по данному эссе, то скорее нет, чем да. Но ведь может и с темой повезти.... А можете и Вы быть 'в ударе' в день экзамена...

[Yulia_N]

ой. Я постараюсь быть в ударе. Самой уже интересно, на что в итоге сдам. Мой самый тяжелый модуль - ридинг. Ну ника у меня 35 не получается правильных ответов по дженералу. Уже больше 30 делаю вопросов. Но когда как получается. Буду страться. Я читала примерно на 7.5-8 примеры, мне таким языком не легко написать. Там по мне так сильно не то что заумно, а как товитиевато сильно. Не мое это

[flameflower]

Уважаемые форумчане, посмотрите эссе, пожалуйста. Я не гуманитарий, а нужна 7, подскажите в какую сторону направить усилия

It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer

Nowadays, as centers of the cities having been densely built-over, owners of shopping centers tend to extend their business activity to the residential area. While many locals of these areas do not approve of the huge building in their neighborhoods for probable increasing noise and traffic, I have a contrary opinion for many reasons.

One of the most important reasons is that the shopping centers are built in respond to customer needs. For example, for having a profitable business the owner of the building project conducts detailed market research to understand whether consumer needs in this district are large enough to provide financial stability of the project in the future. If the results of researches did not show great people’s demand in big complex of different shops, the developer would not launch the new shopping center in this place.

Creating the amount of workplaces is one more issue to prove my point. The average shopping center offers not only a wide selection of stores, but food court and restraunts, beauty salons, dry-cleaner's and other services, which generate plenty of jobs, requiring from low- to high-qualification personal. It might give an opportunity for people in the neighborhood to find a decent job near their home saving time on commuting.

Finally, the shopping center might become a popular place for entertaining and socializing for neighbors. Due to big park area, internal security, playgrounds for children, cinemas, it could be a comfortable and safe zone for spending time for the whole family. Moreover, the plans for rest there will not be spoiled by bad weather.

Taking into account all the mentioned above I would estimate that building of a large shopping center in my neighborhood could satisfy most demands of its dwellers. Having well-development infrastructure will help to raise the living standards of my residential area.

[s.shlenskiy]

Всем доброе время суток. Через пару недель сдаю IELTS, надо подтянуть writing...сегодня впервые написал эссе. Проверьте:


Topic: Television is dangerous because it destroys family life and any sense of community; instead of visiting people or talking with our family we just watch television.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Nowadays a question of watching television in free time instead of making new friends or talking to a family is one of the most important issues for modern society. Many people think that relaxing in front of TV is the best way to get out of problems, people and to get a piece of freedom after a long working day or a week. In this essay I will present a number of arguments to demonstrate the veracity of this statement.

Firstly, a lot of people get tired during their work. When they come home the only thing that they want to do is to relax. They do it by either watching TV or surfing the Internet. To prove this I would like to give you some information on this topic gathered by the United Nations Organization and published in the report: a number of those who sit at home in front of TV in the evening have increased since the beginning of the 21st century. In the year of 2000 there were only 60% of men and women of their thirties and forties who entertained themselves by sitting on couch and watching TV and in 2008 this number rose up to 82%.

Secondly, there are many examples when the husband likes football and the wife likes to watch soap operas. For this reason it is clear that it is really hard to find some TV programmes that might be interesting for both of them.

Considering everything mentioned above it’s clearly seen that people sometimes act egoistically. In my opinion, the best way to avoid this is to watch TV altogether with your family or to go out and make some friends in a movie theatre.


Заранее огромное спасибо!