My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[ITBoss]

Спасибо за комментарии. На самом деле я получила 6 за Writing( при остальных семерках. Трудно дается поиск синонимов, слов много знаю, а подобрать и вспомнить во время написания не могу...

Не знаю есть ли смысл через неделю еще пробовать сдать?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за комментарии. На самом деле я получила 6 за Writing( при остальных семерках. Трудно дается поиск синонимов, слов много знаю, а подобрать и вспомнить во время написания не могу...

Не знаю есть ли смысл через неделю еще пробовать сдать?

Vocabulary for IELTS (Oxford and Cambridge - 2 different books) - по ним пробовали заниматься? Есть еще Grammar for IELTS (Cambridge).

Я считаю, что каждая сдача - это приобрeтенный опыт. За неделю вряд ли на 7-ку подтянете - но чем черт не шутит? Да и опыт тоже всегда плюс.

[ITBoss]

да, Grammar for IELTS (Cambridge) у меня есть. Вчера начала ее смотреть. Две первые книжки поищу. спс

[dss]

Здравствуйте уважаемые, покритикуйте пожалуйста мое первое эссе.

топик: (взят с ielts-blog.com)
Technological improvements reduce the role of Olympic Games in this 21st century. Do you agree or disagree, and why?

At present some people believe that our civilization’s scientific development could lead to diminishing role of Olympic Games. In this essay I will try to discuss this issue.

On the one hand, as said Pier de Kubertain, founder of Olympic Games, main role of games is to establish friendship and unity between participating nations. He believed that hostility and tensions between nations could be reduced to minimum by the atmosphere of sport competition. Main targets of competitions is social, so technological advance in 21st century haven’t any correlations with they, although competition is a spectacular show.

On the other hand, science, for example, chemistry allows people to use some chemicals to increase their strength, agility and endurance. Bioengineering could allow people to make modification of they own body to increase physical prowess. Fruits of science may make every man more physically advanced, that fact could make society less interested in show, that Olympic Games propose, unless leaved uncontrolled.

Olympic Games has a strict set of rules that restrict consumption of chemicals for contestants. Also looking on genetic science advance, soon biological test will required for those, who wish to participate. Obviously it is possible that some unfair athletes will try to break the rules, but that is strictly overlooked by completion organizer and violators unable to participate for many years.

In conclusion, I believe that importance of Olympic Games will be not diminished by scientific discoveries, even in the following centuries, because they main role is social. Unity and friendship between nations is mostly important for our civilization.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте уважаемые, покритикуйте пожалуйста мое первое эссе.

топик: (взят с ielts-blog.com)
Technological improvements reduce the role of Olympic Games in this 21st century. Do you agree or disagree, and why?.

Тема сформулирована с грубой грамматической ошибкой. Соответственно, Вы 5 раз повторили эту же ошибку в эссе.
С чем Вас и поздравляю

И вообще тема звучит очень 'по китайски' - она не имеет смысла. Вообще!

Успехов Вам в изучении Chiglish!

[ITBoss]

Написала эссе с учетом замечаний, пыталась сделать его максимально сложным, боюсь что из за этого наделала много ошибок.

Тема из Cambridge Vocabulary

Whoever control the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people and there is little that can be done to rectify it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today all means of media, such as TV, radio, World Wide Web, have an enormous influence on all life’s influence of modern society. Needless to say that our behavior, customs as well as habits, they are all controlled by the powerful media. Some people argue that it is not the case and human being as the highest sample of evolution cannot be affected by these artificial devices. This essay will cover both points of view.

On the one hand, no one can ignore that watching advertisements everyday forms our customer habits, and if we saw promoted goods yesterday, then we would probably buy it in the supermarket on the next day. To illustrate, I always purchase food in the store only if I have seen it before on television. Another argument that support the idea of dominated position of media, is that the majority of audience consists of children and elderly who are completely depended on TV, radio, computer games and inevitably are influenced by all information provided there whether it is true or false. Furthermore, governors always try to organize their election campaigns via media resources. If any candidate posses more opportunities for promotion on television program, internet or at any other media places, then he will win with higher probability than anybody else.

On the other hand, in modern world we have democratic society that allow everyone to express own views and no matter who owns the media resources. Some people do not watch TV, do not play on-line games and spend most of the time at work, with their families and friends and consequently potential effect of media is seems to be very low on such people. Furthermore, there is no strong belief in words that we often hear from different media sources.

To conclude, in general, we have to take that media is the strongest power in our modern world, changing our behavior patterns and forcing us to do different unpredictable things, but we do not completely believe in everything that is said or shown on TV.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Написала эссе с учетом замечаний, пыталась сделать его максимально сложным, боюсь что из за этого наделала много ошибок.

Тема из Cambridge Vocabulary

Whoever control the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people and there is little that can be done to rectify it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today all means of media, such as TV, radio, World Wide Web, have an enormous influence on all life’s influence of modern society. Needless to say that our behavior, customs as well as habits, they are all controlled by the powerful media. Some people argue that it is not the case and human being as the highest sample of evolution cannot be affected by these artificial devices. This essay will cover both points of view.

I'm really sorry but it written so badly with so many mistakes that I don't even want to comment. Your previous essay was quite OK, though not OK enough for the score you target. This one is just bad.

Also, I'm a bit surprised that given your level of English (which, as I mentioned already, seems to be upper-inter.) you don't see the mistakes for yourself. Have you done proof reading? Just look at the bolded text; I don't believe you don't notice the problems.

[ITBoss]

В первом предложении опечатка, так как перепечатывала с листа.
А в этом предложении- где ошибка?
Needless to say that our behavior, customs as well as habits, they are all controlled by the powerful media.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

В первом предложении опечатка, так как перепечатывала с листа.
А в этом предложении- где ошибка?
Needless to say that our behavior, customs as well as habits, they are all controlled by the powerful media.

Посчитайте количество подлежащих. Это во-первых. а во-вторых, я не очень уверена, что понимаю выражение, customs as well as habits.

В след. предложении слово sample употреблено нeправильно ->example. And what exactly do you mean by 'artificial devices'? Device=piece of equipment.

Now let's look at coherence. You are making a very powerful statement ('needless to say') and right after that continue with a contradictory phrase 'some people argue'. It's like jumping from one boat to another, while they are moving in opposite directions. You're obviously lacking some kind of concession phrase here, i.e. 'however'.

[ITBoss]

our behavior, customs as well as habits they are all controlled by the powerful media- наше поведение, обычаи, а также привычки, все они контролируюся мощными средствами массовой информации.
artificial devices- в смысле искуственно созданные устройства (телевизоры,радио,компьютеры)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

our behavior, customs as well as habits they are all controlled by the powerful media- наше поведение, обычаи, а также привычки, все они контролируюся мощными средствами массовой информации.
artificial devices- в смысле искуственно созданные устройства (телевизоры,радио,компьютеры)

Это предложение даже по русски безграмотно написано (сорри).

Еще раз, посчитайте подлежащие и соответствующие им сказуемые. Их количество должно совпадать (пока не достигните действительно продвинутого уровня владения английским и пунктуацией).

[ITBoss]

ну не знаю... пытаюсь писать те слова и выражния в которых уверена, получается слишком просто. Начинаю усложнять и вводить всякие обороты, становиться непонятно..(

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ну не знаю... пытаюсь писать те слова и выражния в которых уверена, получается слишком просто. Начинаю усложнять и вводить всякие обороты, становиться непонятно..(

Sorry, but you are not counting on your English improving overnight, aren't you?

It's generally accepted that it takes 10 weeks of full-time intensive studies in an English speaking country (4 hours of face-to-face learning and a couple of hours at home) to improve your IELTS score by 0.5.

[runk]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста:

It has been said that education is the cause of
social inequality – of the difference between the
“haves” and the “have-nots”. To what extent do
you agree with this statement?

Nowadays education plays major role in our society. Without it you can't be successful, though it's not necessary to have any grades to be a happy. The knowledge that you have means so much and you can't get a good job without it and you can't get reasonable salary of course. There is a big gap between people who have the education and who do not.

Today, in times of the high technologies our society requires high qualified specialists. The people whom don't have any appropriate eduction to get this positions have to do only primitive kinds on jobs - cleaning for instance and so. And they feel disappointed about that, they can't bring better food for their families, they have to live in small apartments and encounter other issues through their lives. On the other hand people who have qualified jobs may access to some benefits.

Nevertheless let's think about the happiness. The well paid job is a not only one way to archive some happiness in the life. This is a very complicated question, but I believe that people can be a happy living in the van and picking bottles. The factors that give the happiness are the love and the children I suppose, so they eclipsed problems.

That is truth that every living folk should have even basic education and opportunity to learn further. I guess this is only one way to decrease this gap between two groups of people. The benefits which come with education are fabulous and anyone can't disagree with that. I am completely agree with statement that difference exists and growing every day.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста:

It has been said that education is the cause of
social inequality – of the difference between the
“haves” and the “have-nots”. To what extent do
you agree with this statement?.

Много ошибок в английском, поэтому местами даже сложно читать. Думаю, что на 6-ку тянет. Если требуется больше, то надо серьезно заняться английским.