My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[DenisSanych]

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Тема: Взял книжку и не сможешь отдать её в течение 10 дней.Написать вежливую отмазу и попросить снять штраф.

ЭТО СЕРЬЁЗНОЕ ЭССЕ

Sir/Madam

I regret to inform you that I will not be able to return the book on time due to circumstances that occurred to me and are beyond my control.

I request you to withhold my fine on the following grounds:
The book that I borrowed from the library must be returned within 10 days. When taking the book I was 100% sure that it would take me from five to six days to give it back. On the sixth day I finished reading the book and went to the library to hand it to the librarian. But on my way to the place I encountered an UFO that abducted me and took me onboard for scientific examination. I have given numerous tries to explain that I must return the book, but those aliens did not posses proper language skills to comprehend what I was saying.

Taking into consideration that the UFO was high up in the sky nor could I phone the library neither inform anybody about this happening. I am asking you kindly not to charge me any additional fees and withhold the fine.

Your faithfully.
Denis A. Sanych

~180 words (time taken 15 mins)

....серьёзно, я могу такое эсссе написать? Немного юмора может повредить?

....))

[DenisSanych]

**здатое эссе

Hello. I will be grateful to anyone who comments on my essay. I'm just trying to maintai......

....aoutweighs the first one.

thaks a lot

мне понравилось заеба***льское эссе я бы 8.0 поставил!

[uzzi]

Приветствую всех. Оцените, пожалуйста, Эссе. Пытался написать короче, не получилось.


The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over.

What effects will these predictions have on developed counties if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?
The modern life style and social conditions of developed countries had changed the demographic situation in many of them. More and more families are unable to have more than one child due to several reasons. As a result, the society becomes older and so do the people representing working potential of the country. The changes occurred have an unfavorable effect to the economy of the developed countries and, according to some predictions, the situation is going to become more complicated in the next several decades, unless some actions would have taken. [/FONT]

There are several negative effects caused by the lowering of birth rates and increasing of aged population. Firstly, decreasing percentage of youth population leads to declining of working potential of the country. It requires the necessity of bringing some external resources to fill the market of labor. Consequently, massive influx of the people of different cultures, religion and language, which are ready to work for a lower salary lower the amount of local vacancies, and may cause social and sometimes political instability. There are examples in modern history, when massive migration of workers from newly joined EU countries caused instability and led to massive strikes.

Secondly, there is an increase of health care expenditures caused by rising amount of people of advanced age. In order to refill the budget, the governments should increase the taxes and extend the retirement age. People always feel unhappy when they have to pay more or to work longer, regardless to causes. Therefore, these measures should be avoided whenever possible.

There are some possible preventive measures enabling to resolve the current situation. Firstly, the government should take actions for stimulating the birth activity of local population. There should be social guarantees or taxes reductions for families which planning to have two or more children. Definitely, there should be actions for preventing of local labor market and social guarantees for parents coming back to work after the birth. And finally, in no case the government should take some actions directed to reducing pension funds or elongation of working age. The old people have a right to enjoy the rest of their life without any obligation to work.

In conclusion, predictive misbalance of demographic situation is not unavailable. The main stem of management should be directed to rising of birth rates among the local population, while other actions also should be considered.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Мое первое ессе тут. Хочется услышать мнение не только тичера но и других.
Преподавателем было дано задание написать о пользе и плюсах курения.
И вот что получилось. .

5.0 - 5.5

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Моё первое ессе.

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.

Do you agree or disagree?

Which other types of job should be highly paid?

The topic doesn't sound IELTS to me Which IELTS preparation book does it come from?

[Jess]

5.0 - 5.5

мне на дженерал нужны семерки, чего не хватает больше содержания или грамматики?
ответесли не сложно в личку, заранее спаисбо.

[irenlo]

The topic doesn't sound IELTS to me Which IELTS preparation book does it come from?

это из какого то кэмбриджевского теста.
с 6го, если память не подводит.
сейчас гляну, мне встречался такой топик в одной из 7ми книг

пыс: нашла
это задание из 7й книги Cambridge IELTS, 2й GT test

[Maimiti_Isabella]

это из какого то кэмбриджевского теста.
с 6го, если память не подводит.
сейчас гляну, мне встречался такой топик в одной из 7ми книг

пыс: нашла
это задание из 7й книги Cambridge IELTS, 2й GT test

I've just checked: you are right and I'm surprised: to me the topic sounds suspiciously like TOEFL .

Anyway, I'm going to have a quick look at the essay now.

Thanks for putting me straight.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Моё первое ессе.

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.

Do you agree or disagree?

Which other types of job should be highly paid?

To start with, it might be appropriate to mention that some persons (?) think that stardoms (Wrong Form) or closely related (родственники?) people, for example, football players, are overpaid. It seems that they are doing almost nothing or they are doing something cushy (?), and after this deeds (после чего?) they get a huge bundle (слишком informal) of money. I suppose, that in the real world it is not so (что не так? Кроме того, последнее предложение вступления должно 'открывать' организацию эссе. У Вас этого не нет).


Let's look at an example, who (?) may be a some prominent person, starred in a movie. From one side (?) he (a как насчет she?) earns a large amount of funds (they don’t earn ‘funds’ – check the meaning of the word), but from other side (?)it was (? – почему вдруг прош время?) an extremely hard work. His ( ее ?) prominence is a result of his magnificently good work (т.е. все фильмы - magnificently good work? Даже те, что стали общепризанными flops?). Any movie development, firstly, is the business of an investor, and any business main goal (?) is a profit getting. If you like this (kakoe?) movie, you will pay money for it, but you would never pay, if there were non-professional actorS and (article) movie were (why plural?) so (проверьте значение и употребление слова) boring.

К сожалению, дальше становится хуже, как с точки зрения английского языка, так и с точки зрения организации эссе.

[gtoturbo69]

Народ, готовлюсь к IELTS. Это самое самое первое эссе, которое я написал, прошу оценить с целью выявления некоторых аспектов написания эссе. жду замечаний и по структуре. Заранее спасибо. ну и кто может, поставьте оценку примерную)

With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people
believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery)
should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on
academic subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Nowadays people gradually become worried about use of non-academic subject in educational system and in one's life on the whole. Undoubtedly everyone needs to get some basic knowledge in order to understand fundamental principles of our life. However, there are some good arguments for both sides, but on the whole I prefer arguments for.

Today's world becomes very demanding for skilled people and the more one knows, generally speaking, how world is structured, the more possibilities for him or her to succeed in future. Mobility is one of those important qualities, needed for being evaluated at a high level and get a good job position. Non-academic subjects are to help one to develop oneself properly - to be ready to step into our difficult inexorable world. Studying, for example, cookery would not only be useful for yourself, but will be counted as an advantage at some positions. Many analysts in large corporations consider all-round education to be the most valuable and prospective.

In spite of numerous claims about harm, that studying anything but major subject is useless, some people found benefits from them. These advanced courses happened to help lots of people to find themselves wrong in choosing their major and discover something more interesting for them to study. History knows many a great number of life stories when famous politicians, artists, movie-stars etc. found their vocations in absolutely different spheres, which helped them to success in life and choose the right way.

Nevertheless, some people consider that these types of subjects completely distract learners from their speciality and as a result it denies opportunity to graduate as a full-fledged specialist, that is able to act as a professional and to have adequate conceptualization about modern world.

People do not always know what is best for them, and in this case, as in many other cases, the use of non-academic subject may be helpful, whilst choosing one's vocation. Moreover the guidance of teachers and looking at employer's demands would also be reasonable.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Народ, готовлюсь к IELTS. Это самое самое первое эссе, которое я написал, прошу оценить с целью выявления некоторых аспектов написания эссе. жду замечаний и по структуре. Заранее спасибо. ну и кто может, поставьте оценку примерную)

With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Nowadays people gradually become worried about use of non-academic subject in educational system and in one's life on the whole. Undoubtedly everyone needs to get some basic knowledge in order to understand fundamental principles of our life. However, there are some good arguments for both sides, but on the whole I prefer arguments for.

......

Очень быстро просмотрела, и первое что бросается в глаза - совершенная 'незаконченность' вступления.
but on the whole I prefer arguments for - непонятно что же Вы все-таки prefer? надо сформулировать мысль более четко

Из других замечаний: 'русские' запятые очень мешают восприятию текста и 'запутывают' читателя. В результате страдает readability. Я уже приводила ссылки на правила пунктуации ранее в этой теме - поищите и изучите.
Иногда Вы используете слишком много слов, чтобы выразить идею, т.е. опять-таки страдает readability.

People do not always know what is best for them, and in this case, as in many other cases, the use of non-academic subject may be helpful... o каких вообще 'cases' идет речь?

Ну и последнее, чувствуется перевод с русского.

С другой стороны, для первого эссе неплохо. Я бы поставила 6 или 6.5, но не уверена, что Вы способны написать такое же эссе в экзаменационной обстановке, так как не видна уверенность в английском.

Если интересуетесь моим мнением, то Вам нужен кто-то, кто проверял бы Ваши эссе на постоянной основе.

Еще посоветовала бы изучить Vocabulary for IELTS and Grammar for IELTS.

[gtoturbo69]

Maimiti_Isabella
Cпасибо за отзыв, учту. А по грамматике много замечаний? можно не приводить примеры, просто общий взгляд

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella
Cпасибо за отзыв, учту. А по грамматике много замечаний? можно не приводить примеры, просто общий взгляд

Я не сказала, что грамматика 'страдает', но в общем она теряется за проблемами readability. Постарайтесь писать попроще, тогда станет легче читать.

Да, еще одно замечание. Хотя я и считаю, что написано на 6 - 6.5, но до 7 еще довольно далеко.

Пример грамматической неувязки:
Nowadays people gradually become worried -> тут явно что-то не так, as 'gradually' indicates a continuous process. So you should consider re-phrasing the sentence, which would be much easier in this case than fixing the problem.

I don't know what your options and opportunities are but I think in general your approach to essay writing is correct; you just need somebody to help you with the way you express your ideas. Ideally, this would be a native speaker, if you can afford and find one.

I'll give you an example of what I mean. Let's just look at one of the sentence.
Nevertheless, some people consider that these types of subjects completely distract learners from their speciality

I had to re-read this part to understand what you mean, though everything seems to be OK from the point of view of grammar. Now, I'm going to re-write this bit to improve its readability.
Nevertheless, some people consider that these subjects distract learners and ...

Can you see what I've done? - just crossed out the words that interfere with the meaning. These words were pointless and needlessi, .e. extra, even repeating the idea already expressed for no obvious reason.

BTW, do not start a new paragraph with reference words (it, this, they, these, etc) as each paragraph is a mini essay (in this type of writing) and you need to introduce the topic. So instead of 'these' consider using an appropriate noun, e.g. non-essentail subjects or general subjects, etc

Another problem you have is parallelism but I think this might be solved when you master your style.

[gtoturbo69]

Я не сказала, что грамматика 'страдает', но в общем она теряется за проблемами readability. Постарайтесь писать попроще, тогда станет легче читать.

Да, еще одно замечание. Хотя я и считаю, что написано на 6 - 6.5, но до 7 еще довольно далеко.

Пример грамматической неувязки:
Nowadays people gradually become worried -> тут явно что-то не так, as 'gradually' indicates a continuous process. So you should consider re-phrasing the sentence, which would be much easier in this case than fixing the problem.

I don't know what your options and opportunities are but I think in general your approach to essay writing is correct; you just need somebody to help you with the way you express your ideas. Ideally, this would be a native speaker, if you can afford and find one.

I'll give you an example of what I mean. Let's just look at one of the sentence.
Nevertheless, some people consider that these types of subjects completely distract learners from their speciality

I had to re-read this part to understand what you mean, though everything seems to be OK from the point of view of grammar. Now, I'm going to re-write this bit to improve its readability.
Nevertheless, some people consider that these subjects distract learners and ...

Can you see what I've done? - just crossed out the words that interfere with the meaning. These words were pointless and needlessi, .e. extra, even repeating the idea already expressed for no obvious reason.

BTW, do not start a new paragraph with reference words (it, this, they, these, etc) as each paragraph is a mini essay (in this type of writing) and you need to introduce the topic. So instead of 'these' consider using an appropriate noun, e.g. non-essentail subjects or general subjects, etc

Another problem you have is parallelism but I think this might be solved when you master your style.

Спасибо огромное за ответ, буду работать.

[Yulia_N]

Здравствуйте,
Буду очень признательна, если подскажите что не так в эссе и где что надо подтянуть. Сдаю экзамен в декабре. Нужны минимум 6ки.

Nowadays environmental problems are too big to be managed by individual persons or individual countries. In other words it is an international problem. To what extent do you agree you disagree?

These days many international organizations participate in different conferences about ecological problems and try to find the solution how to manage the situation. Some consider environmental situation should be controlled by local people, however, others think that it is an international deal. To my concern, all countries should take part to obtain good results.

First reason for doing that is the influence the ecologic situation of one country on its neighborhood and sometimes on the whole region in general. Such problem as contamination of soil influences pollution of rivers and lakes. Also in most times plants, which were grown on this soil, are full of bad elements. As the result, it makes people suffer from serious diseases and makes livestock not appropriate for eating. Another example is air pollution. Thus different wastes from factories and cars make people breathe polluted air. Even more, some wastes fall down as a rain and contaminate surrounding territories. That is why only together people can control the situation in the region.

At last, there are some problems which cannot be resolved by local people because of lack of money. A vivid example is Chernobyl disaster. Nowadays the old sarcophagus should be changed because the old one does not protect from the radiation even more. The Ukraine cannot do it itself because of cost of such kind of building. Another example is international disasters like forest fire in Greece and Russia. Recent events have shown that fires could not be overcome independently. Thus, it is necessary to receive some help from other countries to regulate the current situation.

To sum up, environmental problems influence the ecological situation not only on local area, but other countries too. I agree that situation should be handled by international authorities. Also every person should take care of the situation in his or her surroundings.