My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[EvgenD]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста мое творение . Спасибо!

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Throughout this century, the role of advertisement has significantly increased, and the majority of people all over the world think that this change is for the better. Personally, I think that numerous commercials on TV, streets or over the internet, asking us to buy various things, are just annoying in most cases. Most people would not buy goods if they were not seen advertisements before.

To start with, in some cases there are really useful commercials proposing new products that many of us need. For instance, if person sees new attractive commercial of car she waited for a long time to release. As a result, she is going to buy it. Without seeing it, she would never buy that car.

On the other hand, advertisements are often suggesting goods we never usually buy. However, they look so nice and we decide to pay for them. Later, most of us realize that money could be spent wiser. Consequently, instead of buying unnecessary things like new strange kitchen device, you can save your money or spent them on your family.

In addition, commercials suggesting to purchase latest model of car, often require to get a credit if person do not have enough money. However, you can lose your job and it can happen that you will not be able to pay any more. Thus, advertisements sometimes drive us to spend more money than we really have.

Taking all these point into consideration, I would say that advertisements, in most cases, are useless. Some of them can be useful for us. However, in my opinion, such cases are very rare.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Покритикуйте пожалуйста мое творение . Спасибо!

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Throughout this century, the role of advertisement has significantly increased, and the majority of people all over the world think that this change is for the better. Personally, I think that numerous commercials on TV, streets or over the internet, asking us to buy various things, are just annoying in most cases. Most people would not buy goods if they were not seen advertisements before.

To start with, in some cases there are really useful commercials proposing new products that many of us need. For instance, if person sees new attractive commercial of car she waited for a long time to release. As a result, she is going to buy it. Without seeing it, she would never buy that car.

Во первых, я не понимаю, почему Вы делаете вывод о последующих 90 годах на основании 10 этого столетия?
Во-вторых, Ваше вступление и след. за ним 1-й абзац body совершенно не совпадают. Во вступлении вы уже выразили свою отрицательную точку зрения на проблему, зачем же о положительном говорить? Если точка зрения уже выработана, то в Body paragraph ее просто надо разкрывать.

Очень слабое Conclusion.

С точки зрения грамматики и вообще английского языка - 6.0 IMHO of course.

Из положительных моментов: у Вас явно есть 'задатки' для дальнейшего развития, просто надо еще поработать, в том числе и над грамматикой (например, условные предложения, в кот. у Вас ошибка) и над разнообразным строением предложения.

Но главное, научитесь не уходить от вопроса. И запомните: в английском эссе все строится по системе 'от общего к частному', т.е. сначала statement, потом argument/supporting evidence, a только затем examples.
У Вас же в предпоследнем абзаце эта схема явно нарушена.

[EvgenD]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо.

Понял насчет вступления. Conclusion я понимал что слабое, но по времени уже не успевал, старался уложиться в отведенные 40 минут.

Насчет первого абзаца. Во вступлении я высказал свое негативное мнение. Но так как хотел рассмотреть обе стороны проблемы, то в первом абзаце высказал, так сказать, позитивную сторону, а потом идут два абзаца с негативными сторонами.

Я думал нужно описать как позитивные так и негативные моменты?

Можете, пожалуйста, указать на ошибку в условных предложениях?

P.S. Недавно начал готовиться к написанию эссе, по-этому надеюсь прибавлю по ходу. Спасибо еще раз!

[EvgenD]

Всем привет! Покритикуйте пожалуйста мое очередное творение кто может .

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

Many people claim that to survive and defend your business in the modern world you have to be ready to various calls. Personally, I believe that not all actions are appropriate and allowed to get income. This question is a controversial one and I will give the reasons to support my opinion in the following paragraphs.

The first thing that should be noted is that business should not try to save money paying low salaries to employees. Let’s imagine the situation when your staff is not satisfied by their benefits. In this case they will do everything but work efficiently. Thus, every employer has to provide appropriate benefits to motivate employees for harder work and personal success. As a result, such a company gets higher profits and everyone is happy.

Secondly, every business must follow laws and pay taxes. According to the latest surveys, up to 40% of ukrainian economy is in the ‘shadow’. What is more, companies try to hide money in quiet offshore zones. However, it is well known fact that those businessmen often end in jails. Consequently, to be successful, you must to honest.

In addition, it is proven that those who did not do investments will not survive in the world of business. Successful managers have to be well acquainted with the latest technologies and apply them to production. Therefore, it is possible to significantly grow up the profit following this rule.

Taking all these points into consideration, I would say that business must apply various strategies and solutions to be functioning and increase income. However, not all of them are allowed. In my opinion, it is better to use only those that do not interfere with the laws of your country and be honest to yourself.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Понял насчет вступления. Conclusion я понимал что слабое, но по времени уже не успевал, старался уложиться в отведенные 40 минут.

P.S. Недавно начал готовиться к написанию эссе, по-этому надеюсь прибавлю по ходу.

Если это только начало пути к IELTS, то мне кажется сначала надо научиться писать эссе 'по правилам', а потом уже на время.

Насчет первого абзаца. Во вступлении я высказал свое негативное мнение. Но так как хотел рассмотреть обе стороны проблемы, то в первом абзаце высказал, так сказать, позитивную сторону, а потом идут два абзаца с негативными сторонами.

Я думал нужно описать как позитивные так и негативные моменты?

Немного не так. Если Вы уже высказали свою точку зрения, то какие могут быть сомнения (позитивные и негативные). В таком случае Ваша задача - об'яснить свою точку зрения. Это один подход.

Другой подход - Вы еще сомневаетеся, т.е. рассматриваете обе точки зрения, а вывод делаете в конце, т.е. в Conclusion.

Можете, пожалуйста, указать на ошибку в условных предложениях?

For instance, if a/the person sees new attractive commercial of a car she (why 'she'?) waited for a long time to release (who released? - 'she') - где вторая часть?

В общем, ошибки есть и много, но ничего такого, что заставляет хвататься за голову.

Давайте исправлю еще пару предложений, для примера

Consequently, instead of buying unnecessary things like а new strange (а если не strange , то можно?) kitchen device, you (избегайте в эссе личные местоимения если только пример не требуется 'личный') can save your money or spent them (->it Деньги в английском неисчисляемое существительное) on your family.

Most people would not buy goods (какие goods?) if they were (-> did) not seen (->see) advertisements before.

[EvgenD]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо огромное! Буду стараться.

[dokamtv]

Покритикуйте, научите уму разуму.

Some say you should always marry for love; others say that in an uncertain world it's wiser to marry for money.

Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.

Have you ever thought what the family happiness means? There is no doubt that the married couples prefer to get married for love. But nobody can argue that some couples get married of convenience. It is difficult question what it is better of our society.
To begin with, the love and respect in the marriage is worth its weight in gold in all cultures and at all times. The family, where l grew up, for example, has lived with the feeling love husband and wife and respect for each other. My sister and I brought up in conditions love of our parents and near-and-dear. But despite of the fact that I know what the love-match means, I do not know the formula of the family happiness.
Admittedly, the number of divorces is bigger among couples who get married for love than couples who get married of convenience. This is clearly illustrated by the fact the mercenary marriage is more stably. It is perfect way if two rich families want to unit capital or business. Some time, the families like this become happy in marriage life. On the other hand, the mercenary marriage means that one of the better half get marriage for love as the other half get marriage of convenience. They can be happy, despite the fact that they have different image of the family happiness. It gives food for thought.
All things considered, it can conclude that the understanding is necessary point in family happiness. The best course of action would be to attempt to achieve a balance between the financial stability on the one hand and personal relations on the other.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Some say you should always marry for love; others say that in an uncertain world it's wiser to marry for money.

Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.

Have you ever thought what the family happiness means? There is no doubt that the married couples prefer to get married for love. But nobody can argue that some couples get married of convenience. It is difficult question what it is better of our society.
...
.

All things considered , you'll probably get 6.0 for an essay like that. However, if you're aiming for 7, you've got a long way to go! Basically, your English is not good enough.

Но в Вашем эссе есть интересные слова и выражения и нестандартныо построение предложений - это большой плюс..

Из общих недостатков (some things to consider):
много проблем с предлогами
* некоторые слова используются неправильно и 'не по назначению'. * * это же относится и к collocations
* слова but, and, or - союзы и никогда не стоят в начале предложения в нормальном письменном англиском
* путаете active and passive

[dokamtv]

Спасибо за Ваш ответ.
Для меня это важно - взгляд со стороны открывает все проблемы.

[uzzi]

Overreliance on cars. Describe the problems and possible solutions.
Nowadays cars have become an integrated part of all aspects of our lives. People cannot go for distance without cars and their lives become dependent on individual transport. Cars often cause problems to their owners who become addicted to their machines. But most of these problems have solutions.
Firstly, the car owners are dependent on traffic situation. People stacked in traffic jam, waste enormous amount of time, which is unacceptable. People can become nervous and irritated which influence badly to their quality of car driving. While being in a hurry they can violate the driving rules or even make the car accident.
Secondly, people relying too much on their car often have a lack of physical exercises. They can sit for an hours while driving. Sedimentary style of life caused by cars is unhealthy and can cause many health problems to their owners like obesity, hypertension or hemorrhoids.
Thirdly, sometimes, the car owners can spend a lot of time fixing the problems related to using of cars. Therefore they spend less time with their families and friends. If this occurs the car owners can loss their social skills becoming addicted to cars ant its problems.
There are many solutions for problems mentioned above. They include using the public means of transport when it possible, not using the car for unnecessary activities and not allowing the car become a dominant in your everyday life.
Using the public transport allow us to have a rest from driving and concentrate on things which often cannot be done while driving by ourselves, like, for example, observing a nice view from the window or reading the newspaper. While using the public transport we can enjoy the music or just sleep.
Instead of using the cars in situation when it is possible, people can jog, or ride bicycle. This is much healthier comparing with the driving which limits the total muscle workload. Regular exercise allows to better regulation and balancing of physical work and contributes to people’s wellbeing.
In conclusion, overreliance on cars causes several problems in different spheres of life of their owners. Nevertheless it can be prevented by avoiding using the car to much when it is possible.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

uzzi[/B];1573800]Overreliance on cars. Describe the problems and possible solutions.
Nowadays cars have become an integrated part of all aspects of our lives. People cannot go for distance without cars and ....

Я бы ответила, но боюсь, что Вы тогда свой ник по назначению решите испоьзовать.... А страна-то маленькая, жертв не избежать...

[uzzi]

Net, uvajaemaya, ne bespokoites.

Ya dlya togo i pishu, chtoby uslishat raznie otzivi

Tak chto ne tomite ....

[Maimiti_Isabella]

...

I think you'll get 7 for an essay like that, provided you can deliver the same quality of writing under exam conditions.

Overall, you essay is just too simple and you didn't fully answered the essay topic. You also didn't demonstrate a wide range of vocabulary and grammar, which actually means that some examiners might give you a lower mark.

[uzzi]

I think you'll get 7 for an essay like that, provided you can deliver the same quality of writing under exam conditions.

Overall, you essay is just too simple and you didn't fully answered the essay topic. You also didn't demonstrate a wide range of vocabulary and grammar, which actually means that some examiners might give you a lower mark.

Thank you very much, Isabella. I very appreciate your assistance.
I will send you another examples for check up soon.
But could you explain, please, what range of vocabulary should i use? Some of my teachers told not to use too much tenses in order to make sings simple. Was he wrong?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thank you very much, Isabella. I very appreciate your assistance.
I will send you another examples for check up soon.
But could you explain, please, what range of vocabulary should i use? Some of my teachers told not to use too much tenses in order to make sings simple. Was he wrong?

You need to demonstrate your ability to use English. The English language 'hate' repetition, be that of words or of sentence structure.

I'm not talking about using 'too much -> many tenses'. I'm talking about a variety of devices to express the same ideas. I'm talking about appropriateness, e.g. modality is a must in English as this reflects the culture of communication, which is not as direct as Russian or Israeli for that matter.

For example, to avoid using 'people' 6 times you should consider a) synonyms b) varying sentence structure c) referring words.

Secondly, people relying too much on their car often have a lack of physical exercises

-> Excessive reliance on cars often leads/could often result in the lack of physical activity.
or
The lack of phisical activity could be brought about by excessive reliance on cars.