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My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

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  • Отдаю вам на линчевание свое ессе. К сожалению, уложился только в час. Так что продолжаю тренировать краткость и чувство времени.

    Topic
    Business education and training must promote the environment awareness.
    Do you agree or disagree?

    My answer
    Nowadays, with the current level of industries, the Earth became very much dependent on so-called "Human Factor". Big enterprises now not simply pollute water and air, they cause global effects, such as warming. At the same time, key decisions in their work and made by some particular people, top managers, ministers and senior engineers. No doubt, that these people received appropriate education, and many of them continue to improve their qualifications on various business trainings. In this essay I'll try to estimate the significance of raising envirinmental issues on such trainings.
    I think that ecology plays a vital role in every kind of education. Being laid in the very foundation, the problems of biosphere, pollution, climate and others form appropriate style of reasoning. Like ethics, it should be developed in every person, especially in those, whose role is important in large corporation, as well is in the government sector. In this case, perhabs, professionals and managers could feel responsibility before environment and apply safer solutions. As a negative example, I can remind of the Soviet Union, where environmental protection was not cultivated before 1980's. As a result, production cycles in metallurgical, chemical and mining industries were organised in a way which caused a lot of harm and consumed much natural resources. Introduction of environmental protection helped to correct the errors of the past, but, I must say, this legacy is still subject to restructuring.
    Although promotion of environvental awareness at business education is helpful, there is a strong opposite force, money motivation. Typically, solutions safe for environment require more complicated technologies. Therefore, they are more expensive, which contradicts main business paradigms. In this connection, additional motivation for the companies must be provided on a legislative level.
    To sum up, I agree that the problems of environmental protection must be highlighted in business education, although additional measured must be applied for the goal to be acheived.
    Visa granted.

    Comment


    • Strider,
      Вы выбрали трудную тему или, возможно, уж очень сократили вопрос. Я не лучший эксперт, но попытаюсь оценить.
      По поводу grammar- здесь сильно страдает ваше 3 предложение. Я вообще не поняла, что вы хотели сказать. Еще, первый абзац уж слишком издалека начали...Было трудно отслеживать вопрос в нем.
      Далее- второй абзац, в общем по теме, хорошо написан, но я бы здесь несколько бы акцентировала главные идеи и писала бы, отталкиваясь от них непосредственно. ....Экологическое образование важно для избежания таких-то таких-то ошибок, поэтому желательно его включить в обязательную программу таких-то людей...
      В третьем абзаце должны были быть дополнительные аргументы в защиту вашей точки зрения, но вместо них вы наложили крест на практичность обучения как такового...
      В общем, spelling mistakes - штуки 4-5, не так много...Grammar более-менее... Но над содержанием явно не додумали. Поэтому, моя оценка 6.5
      Good luck.
      Last edited by olesenka; 16.08.2010, 03:12.
      IELTS 08.12.2012 L- 6.5, R-8.5, W-6.5, S-7, OVERALL-7
      И когда же все это закончится?

      Comment


      • Эту тему я взял из сборника pdf-файлов с примерами вопросов и ответов. Мне она тоже показалась трудной, но я принципиально не стал
        искать другую, т. к. на экзамене выбирать не позволят.
        Может быть, она действительно сокращена в этом сборнике?
        В самом деле, непонятно даже, в чем вопрос. Канва не задана. Так, в приведенном там же примере ответа какой-то индус написал про курение на рабочих местах, про то, что рабочих на собраниях должны объяснять гигиену труда и т. д. А я - про такие вот глобальные вещи.
        Как бы там ни было, попытаюсь провести работу над ошибками. olesenka, если не трудно, дайте, пожалуйста, feedback, стало ли лучше. Изменения выделены курсивом.

        Nowadays, the Earth suffers from numerous and serious problems of ecology. The situation only worsens day by day, so that solid measures must be taken to stop this catastrophic process. In this essay I will try to prove the importance of one of them, environmental education in business.
        I think that ecology plays a vital role in every kind of education. Being laid in the very foundation of consciousness, the problems of biosphere, pollution, climate and others form appropriate style of reasoning. Like ethics, the feeling of responsibility before the nature could be developed in every person. Every man, woman and child should be taught where to throw rubbish, but the main accent of environmental education should be made, to my mind, on top managers, ministers, senior engineers and other people, who make key descisions in their companies and governments, since the impact of such decisions is serious. Perhabs, it will make
        professionals and managers feel responsibility before the environment and apply safer solutions.
        As the illustration of my viewpoint I can give a negative example. By the 1980's, environmental protection had not been cultivated in the Soviet Union. As a result, production cycles in metallurgical, chemical and mining industries were organised in a way which caused a lot of harm and consumed much natural resources. The introduction of environmental protection helped to correct the errors of the past, but, I must say, this legacy is still subject to restructuring.
        To sum up, I completely agree that the problems of environmental protection must be highlighted in business education.
        Last edited by Strider; 16.08.2010, 23:39.
        Visa granted.

        Comment


        • Strider, I like this essay more. You used simple sentences and your point of view is easy following up. Writed down in their time's frames this essay can earn a good marks on real exam. Means, you can do it, just try be up to time.
          Единственно, немножко хотелось бы добавить веса в заключение- оборвано несколько. Остальное- все логично. Я не могу придраться. Если кто хочет...Но мне нравится. Берите следующую тему.
          Last edited by olesenka; 18.08.2010, 05:46.
          IELTS 08.12.2012 L- 6.5, R-8.5, W-6.5, S-7, OVERALL-7
          И когда же все это закончится?

          Comment


          • Спасибо за оценку!

            Следующая тема:
            Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for children. Use specific details and examples to support your answer.

            My answer
            It is commonly heard that watching television is bad for children. I must say that share this viewpoint. In this essay I will give arguments and examples to support my opinion.
            First of all, when someone watchs TV, he or she doesn't move for a long time. At the same time, it is proven, that physical activity is vitally important, especially for children. Another harmful factor could be the worsening of vision.
            Secondly, wathcing is a passive way of spending time, while children must learn to make decisions. In this sence, interactive games give the best development. It may be easier for parents to sit a child before a TV set instead of playing with him, but doing so they only show their lazyness. As I can recollect from my experience, almost all children whom I knew in my childhood, and who used to watch television a lot, did bad at school, and then achieved not so much in their professional activity. Some of them were even unhappy in the private life, partly because they were not sociable enough, which, in turn, could be a consequence of their child passiveness and isolation in imaginary worlds of TV films and cartoons.
            Thirdly, television is overfilled with bad broadcasts. For example, "Madagascar" cartoon, which is popular now, contains nothing good, smart or eternal. The jokes are simple, not to say stupid. And such films are many. I'd recommend all parent to control the content being watched by their child striktly.
            In conclusion I'd like to say that I completely agree with that television is, generally, bad for children.

            Здесь я уложился в 40 минут, правда, набирал сразу с клавиатуры, что быстрее.
            Visa granted.

            Comment


            • Добрый вечер,
              Покритикуйте еще одно ессе, особенно интерисует грамматика, не уверян, увидил ли я свои ошибки или нет судя по предидущим тут и там?

              Some people say that mobile phone plays a major role in their professional life. Others say it plays a more important role in their personal life. Discuss both sides. What is your opinion?
              +Today mobile communication provides the most opportunities for people from everywhere. Modern mobile phone companies offer more and more media services for they customers. These mobile technologies becomes to use more frequent day by day and plays essential role in life everyone. In that case it makes those technologies very usable by them users.
              +By the way, these mobile services used in business, it is used by different companies or independent customers. Also here valuable quantity resellers and dealers. Both of them provide access to mobile services such as sells sim-cards or just advertisement themselves to make more them they have at now. Always it uses many other companies from different branches to communicate own co-workers and make advantages on it. Therefore it plays vital role for them.
              +On another hand, these mobile operators provides most of different type of communication such as sms or mms messaging, dating, the internet. Hence since coming new hight speed transfer wireless protocols similar with 3G it makes access to the internet in a few times faster then it was. All of those things very usable not only between co-workers, rather it used between different people from different countries every day. It makes people like a chatting robots in a public transport or outside on the street.
              + To conclude, everything written above, of course mobile communications plays important today. Besides it becomes more various in days, hours. Because when humans use it it makes them life simplest to reach someone in another side of wired and have a conversation. Hence in my point of view that true, new technologies provides fresh opportunities.

              Comment


              • Strider

                Не удержался от проверки грамматики русской части, извините
                Добрый вечер,
                покритикуйте еще одно ессе, особенно интересует грамматика; не уверен, увидел ли я свои ошибки или нет, судя по предыдущим тут и там?


                Эссе я тоже могу проверить, но не образцово (сам могу ошибиться). Надеюсь, подключатся более компетентные люди.
                Visa granted.

                Comment


                • tailor, пожалуй, разберу Ваше ессе тоже (раз никто не берется). Я хоть и не живу в англо-говорящей стране (пока) и не гарантирую, что мои варианты изложения мыслей идеальны, но 7-ку за writing получал, поэтому моего уровня, пожалуй, хватит, чтобы покритиковать Ваше сочинение.
                  Today, mobile communication provides great opportunities for people wherever they are. Modern mobile phone companies offer more and more media services for their customers. These??? mobile technologies become used more frequently day by day and begin to play??? essential role in life everyone. In that case??? it makes those technologies very usable<deleted>.
                  Далее следуют полностью неправильные предложения. Смысл не улавливается. Замененил по усмотрению.
                  +Firstly, many mobile technologies are used by different companies in their busenesses, as well as by individuals. They are also valuable for resellers and dealers. Both of them provide access to mobile services such as sells sim-cards??? or just advertisement themselves??? which helps them to make more than <deleted> they have <deleted> now. Mobile technologies are always used by many companies belonging to various branches to communicate their staff which will give them many advantages. Therefore, it plays a vital role for them.
                  +Secondly, mobile operators provide various types of communication such as sms or mms messaging, dating, and internet access. Since coming new hight speed transfer wireless protocols similar with 3G, internet access became several times faster than it was. All of these things are very usable not only [/b]for employees, but also for any[b], people in any countries deleted. It makes people similar to chatting robots in public transport or out in the street.
                  + To summarize everything written above, (Здесь должно быть указание, что мнение ваше) I believe that mobile communications play important role today. Besides, старайтесь избегать использования "it", заменяйте на более развернутое указание на объект предыдущего предложения, например, dialogs over cellular phones become longer. Because when people use it it (аж 2 раза "it"! убирайте) makes а здесь как раз it simpler to reach someone on another side of a wire and have a conversation. Hence, in my point of view that new technologies truly provide fresh opportunities.

                  К сожалению, содержание ошибок в английском тексте еще выше, чем в русском. Грамматические конструкции используются неверно. Синтаксис неверный, обилие русизмов, весь текст состоит сплошь из речевых ошибок.
                  Если Вам нужна 6-ка, то считаю необходимым существенно поднять уровень языка, потом уже браться за перо.
                  Visa granted.

                  Comment


                  • Сообщение от Maimiti_Isabella Посмотреть сообщение
                    No. Conclusions are optional in report-style writings.
                    Спасибо!

                    Comment


                    • Сообщение от Elena_S Посмотреть сообщение
                      Спасибо!
                      Не прошло и 2 месяцев...
                      Подготовка к экзамену идет быстрыми темпами. Явно.
                      ____________
                      Сообщение от bolo83
                      всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию

                      Comment


                      • Была неделя на подготовку, уже сдала ) Со "спасибо" затянула, конечно

                        Comment


                        • Сообщение от Elena_S Посмотреть сообщение
                          Была неделя на подготовку, уже сдала )
                          Поздравляю. Хорошие результаты! Вы довольны?

                          ПС - 'спасибо' не требовалось и не ожидалось: просто смешна несколько delayed reaction, когда, казалось, нужно срочно.
                          Last edited by Maimiti_Isabella; 27.08.2010, 23:22.
                          ____________
                          Сообщение от bolo83
                          всезнающая дама предпенсионного возраста, которая сама непонятно как попала в Австралию

                          Comment


                          • Не, я привыкла говорить спасибо, даже если поздно ) Просто спрашивала в спешке, уезжала на экзамен в Литву, а после экзамена сразу в Норвегию уехали.
                            Результатом writing - да, довольна! Писанина по структуре не мое, мне бы свободный полет.
                            Остальными чисто для себя - недовольна, конечно. Я перфеционист и жаль, что не было времени на подготовку. Почему по reading только 8 - вообще не понимаю, обидно (

                            Comment


                            • "Перфекционист" тогда уж, ежели претендуете на это звание.
                              А то получился оксюморон из одного слова
                              Visa granted.

                              Comment


                              • Strider, нет, я не претендую, не волнуйтесь ) стремлюсь, так сказать.
                                Что ж вы кавычки-елочки ленитесь ставить, раз уж правите чужие описки, компьютерные пока в правила русского языка не вошли.

                                Comment

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