My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of giving international Aid to poor countries.

...
Taking into account everything mentioned above I am inclined to think that international help plays significant role in contemporary world. I am sure that tension between countries will decline due to international support and collaboration.

В целом написано очень неплохо и даже можно было бы говорить о 7, НО... Но есть одна серьезная проблема:
непонятно откуда такое 'интересное' conclusion про tension between countries. В теме об этом ни слова, по крайней мере в том усеченном варианте темы, кот. Вы дали. С другой стороны, в Вашем эссе этот вопрос тоже не поднимается до последнего абзаца. Итог: оценка будет снижена.

Из того что лично мне не нравится - Вы 'накручиваете' длину, т.е. слишком много лишних слов. От этого страдает readability.

Next, практически все предложения с точки зрения структуры 'близнецы-братья'. For example:
Thus it is clear why many gravitate towards this point of view.
After analyzing these facts it is clear why some people support this claim.

Почему бы не об'единить некоторые предложения используя более сложные и интересные структуры. Это, кстати, поможет и избавиться от лишних слов. Пример:
I have recently read an article in a magazine about African countries which are suffering from such problems. According to a recent statistic report more than 10000 children die every day as a result of malnutrition
Кстати, второе предложение относится к Африке? Не очень понятно.


BTW
deliver + to/into
synonyms for the topic: poor countries, developing countries (e.g. China - but you won't consider any aid for China, right?), underdeveloped countries, disadvantaged countries, less lucky countries.

There are also some problems with articles

[taha]

What does this have to do with IELTS? Or are you on a mission to ignite terror and intolerance?

Sorry for this kind of essay. I just found this topic in one site. I don't have any thought about igniting terror and intolerance!!!

[Alchemist]

Проба пера, письмо и эссе. Преподаватель одобрила, но хотелось бы получить мнения независимых экспертов

You live in a room in college which you share with another student. You find very difficult to work there because he or she always has friends visiting. They have parties in the room and sometimes borrow your things without asking you.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you to inform about the terrible wrongdoings, which have been occurring in our college room. I think you must be aware about all this unfair and unlawful things and I hope you will aid me in solving this problem.

Lastly my roommate Jack has been having noisy parties. He invites a lot of his friends, buys plenty of drinks and they have loudly parties while I’m trying to concentrate on my homework. As a result I’ve failed a number of my exams. In addition Jack’s friends borrow my own things like laptop, ipod, headphones and other gadgets without asking me and don’t give them back or return them damaged. I had spoken to Jack about this problem before previous party, but he only said me:” take it easy man, just join our party!” I even told him he isn’t allowed to have parties so frequently, he must think about me and mustn’t cause discomfort to me. However it had no effect too, because he rudely told me that I had better go and do my homework in spite of wasting time on empty conversations.

The fact I have to share my room with my present roommate makes me crazy. I’d rather choose another roommate if I could. I would be happy if he stopped this madness, but I think this man will never change.I beg you to protect me from these terrible things and relocate into another room or relocate my roommate there if it is possible.

I am looking forward your decision about my problem.
My faith is in your arms.

Yours faithfully, B.Obama.

Should the same laws which prohibit the sale and consumption of heroin be applied to tobacco?

My feeling is everybody knows about smoking and all the problems depended on this bad and dangerous habit. We knew well about smoking and we used talking about it to our children when they are still small, not so clever and defenseless. Is smoking dangerous as well as drug addiction? Should we restrict smoking more strongly? I think we shouldn’t because it is useless and not necessary. But let’s see into this problem deeper and let’s figure out matching both of these addictions.

The using of heavy drugs breaks human’s mind, causes great deal of hard diseases like aids, hepatitis and many others, finally it ends by physical death just within a few years. Drug addiction has enormous strength and people who started to use drugs can’t stop this madness by themselves. There are plenty of medical and psychological programs to stop drug addiction, but most of them are useless and 99 per cent of patients come back to the drug using even after successful ending of these programs. Producing, selling and using drugs are illegal so, it deals with a crime and criminal liability.

Speaking about smoking we can’t say it is so dangerous and harmful. Smokers have addiction too, but this addiction can’t cause of death in short period of time. Many smokers would have stopped smoking if they have wanted but most of them don’t want to do it. However smokers may harm the health of the other people by extending smoke and this fact may be dangerous.

It seems to me, smoking is not as dangerous as drugs using, so we don’t need to ask government to reconstruct the laws like heroin case, but we should restrict smoking in public places more strongly.

[Favorite]

Буду признателен за оценку следующей работы

The private motor vehicle has greatly improved individual freedom of movement. Moreover, the automobile has become a status symbol. Yet the use of private motor vehicles has contributed to some of today’s most serious problems. How can the use of private motor vehicles be reduced?


Since the first motor vehicle has been invented people became considering cars as one of the essential means for getting somewhere. Although using the private motor vehicle is rather a convenience way of travel many people fairly claim that cars cause a great deal of the different problems similar to contamination of the environment with exhausted fumes and road congestions. In addition, sometimes being as the proof of a person’s prosperity the explicit cars can be a reason for social disturbance and resentment and lead to committing a crime even.

Apparently, that the majority of the world population agrees with the necessity to decrease the amount of private cars used. Development of public transport system seems to be the key for tackling this issue. Indeed, had an individual an opportunity to get to its work and back comfortably, fast, and for quite a small fare as well would he or she use its private car wasting time in traffic jams and paying for petrol? Moreover, many authorities impose the taxes for driving in the definite areas or in peak hours in order to prevent people from employing their own cars.

However, the best way for ameliorating the situation is promoting the salutary life style. In particular, explaining people how walking or riding a bicycle may be beneficial for them could embolden people to refuse from using their automobiles. As a consequence, there will be less air pollution caused by the motor vehicles. In addition, applying the up-to date IT-technologies to reduce the need for people to travel for work or education daily could facilitate to relieve the roads.
To summarize, the private cars are the integrate part of the contemporary life. Respectively, we can scarcely anticipate ceasing using the cars at once. Nevertheless the determinate steps are being undertaken in a range of the countries and I believe in future more and more people will prefer the alternative ways of movements.

[Favorite]

Проба пера, письмо и эссе. Преподаватель одобрила, но хотелось бы получить мнения независимых экспертов

Возможно, есть грамматические ошибки, я. увы, не эксперт. Но Ваше письмо так выделяется среди всех остальных своей живостью и эмоциональностью. Было очень захватывающе читать. Думаю экзаменатор, как человек, оценил бы.

[Alchemist]

Favorite, спасибо за ваше мнение!
Мне как раз было интересно не перегнул ли я в письме с эмоциональностью ))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Проба пера, письмо и эссе. Преподаватель одобрила, но хотелось бы получить мнения независимых экспертов

You live in a room in college which you share with another student. You find very difficult to work there because he or she always has friends visiting. They have parties in the room and sometimes borrow your things without asking you.

С проблемой разобрались. А задание-то какое? Т.е. кому пишем и что хотим?

Письмо слишком эмоциональное. (я 'эксперт' зависимый )

Уважаемый Alchemist,
информация на будущее: берите темы из учебников по IELTS. Там все 'построено' так как надо, т.е. есть все составляющие задания.
Вы же привели 'краткое содержание первой серии'. Проверить письмо в результате невозможно, а эссе - бесполезно.

Если Вы занимаетесь с преподавателем, то he/she lets you down by not making sure you getting familiar with the way the tasks are set. This might lead to serious problems during the exam.
Of course, it's just possible that your teacher is OK and it's you who are lazy ...

[Alchemist]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо, все учту!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

However, the best way for ameliorating the situation is promoting the salutary life style. In particular, explaining people how walking or riding a bicycle may be beneficial for them could embolden people to refuse from using their automobiles.

To summarize, the private cars are the integrate part of the contemporary life. Nevertheless, started people to use more friendly towards the environment vehicles both the Earth and the society would be healthier.

Караул устал?
Последний абзац - перечитайте сами, и я уверена, что появится сильное желание переписать, хотя бы для того чтобы исправить ошибки.
The second last paragraph - слишком скомкано и недостаточно раскрыта тема, а это ведь то ради чего данное эссе должно быть написано - что делать и как быть.

[Stayer]

вот поправил вам немного, legend

() replace
[] remove

avoid using questions in your essay

The private motor vehicle has greatly improved individual freedom of movement. Moreover, the automobile has become a status symbol. Yet the use of private motor vehicles has contributed to some of today’s most serious problems. How can the use of private motor vehicles be reduced?


Since the first motor vehicle has been invented people became(started) considering cars as one of the(most?)essential means for getting somewhere(around). Although using the private motor vehicle is rather a convenience(convenient, adj) way of travel many people fairly claim that cars cause a great deal of [the different problems] similar to contamination of the environment with exhausted fumes and road congestions(congestion). In addition, sometimes being(avoid using being)as the proof of a person’s prosperity the explicit(?)cars can be a reason for social disturbance and resentment and lead to committing a crime even.

Apparently, [that] the majority of the world('s)population agrees with the necessity to decrease the amount of private cars used.(The)Development of public transport system seems to be the key for tackling this issue. Indeed, (if)had an individual(had)an opportunity to get to its(his/her or their)work and back comfortably, fast, and for [quite] a small fare as well [would]he or she(would not)use [its]private car wasting time in traffic jams and paying for petrol? Moreover, many authorities impose[the]taxes for driving in the definite(particular)areas or in peak hours in order to prevent people from employing(using)their own cars.

However, the best way for ameliorating the situation is promoting the salutary life style. In particular, explaining people how walking or riding a bicycle may be beneficial for them could embolden people to refuse from using their automobiles.

To summarize, the private cars are the integrate part of the contemporary life. Nevertheless, started people to use more friendly towards the environment vehicles both the Earth and the society would be healthier.

[Favorite]

Караул устал?
Последний абзац - перечитайте сами, и я уверена, что появится сильное желание переписать, хотя бы для того чтобы исправить ошибки.
The second last paragraph - слишком скомкано и недостаточно раскрыта тема, а это ведь то ради чего данное эссе должно быть написано - что делать и как быть.

Возможно, действительно Бобик сдох. Переписал 2-ой абзац и заключение. Посмотрите, пожалуйста

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Возможно, действительно Бобик сдох. Переписал 2-ой абзац и заключение. Посмотрите, пожалуйста

Где?

[Favorite]

вот поправил вам немного, legend

avoid using questions in your essay

Спасибо за проверку. Пошел исправлять ошибки. Но вот почему следует избегать вопроса? Ведь такая струтура усиливает высказывание?

[Favorite]

Где?

Интернет барахлил, теперь внес исправления

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за проверку. Пошел исправлять ошибки. Но вот почему следует избегать вопроса? Ведь такая струтура усиливает высказывание?

Потому что в традиционном английском эссе вопрос неуместен. А Вы не знаете насколько консервативен будет Ваш проверяющий. So, it's always pays to be on the safe side

However, the best way for ameliorating the situation is to promote (will sound better) the salutary (????) lifestyle (one word). In particular, explaining to people how walking to work (to balance the next bit) or riding a bicycle may be beneficial for them (здесь совершенно непонятно как части связаны и где подлежащее к этому глаголу) could embolden people to refuse from using their automobiles (не поняла). - anyway, this paragraph needs at least one more sentence as it's not developed enough to address the essay question.

To summarize, the (не нужен артикль) private cars are the an integrate (-> прилагательное) part of the contemporary life. Nevertheless, started people to use more friendly towards the environment vehicles (word order) both the Earth and the society would be healthier.