My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Many young people today are too worried about the way they look and this causes them problems. Do you agree or not? What’s situation in your country?.

Китай?

[Favorite]

Китай?

НЕТ! У меня подборка тем из всевозможных учебников и сейчас не смогу сказать из какого именно данная тема. Я знаю правила форума

[Maimiti_Isabella]

НЕТ! У меня подборка тем из всевозможных учебников и сейчас не смогу сказать из какого именно данная тема. Я знаю правила форума

Это не правила форума, это мои правила.

Не будет на IELTS what's - такого просто не может быть, это противоречит духу essay writing и сбивает с толку экзаменующихся.
Do you agree or not - Китай это чистой воды!

Есть и другие вопросы, из серии 'вроде все правильно, но так не говорят'.

Завтра проверю. Но начало уже не нравится.
Time out of mind outward appearance has been one of the most significant aspects of a human well-being - English please?

strongly argue - these two words don't go together.
the youth (pl) care (not cares)

[Favorite]

Это не правила форума, это мои правила.

Не будет на IELTS what's - такого просто не может быть, это противоречит духу essay writing и сбивает с толку экзаменующихся.
Do you agree or not - Китай это чистой воды!

Ух, отлегло от сердца. У меня учебники все в электронном виде(pdf) и иногда почему-то копирование не работает, приходиться в ручную переписывать. Тема написана правильно, а вопрос я уже сокращал при переписывании, т.к. устал уж очень. Виноват, впредь буду точнее писать

Завтра проверю. Но начало уже не нравится.
Time out of mind outward appearance has been one of the most significant aspects of a human well-being - English please?

Ой, а что совсем-совсем плохо? Исправил начало.

strongly argue - these two words don't go together.
the youth (pl) care (not cares)

Спасибо за поправку. Спутал, в статье было написано seriously argue

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Many young people today are too worried about the way they look and this causes them problems. Do you agree or DISAGREE? What IS THE situation in your country?

Я Ваше эссе проверила, но об этом немного позже. Сначала - ответ на вопрос.

• Первый абзац (Introductory paragraph) - ОК
• Второй абзац Body paragraph 1 - OK
• О чем третий абзац (Body paragraph 2) я не поняла совсем. Т.е. совершенно непонятно как он соотносится с темой эссе.
• Четвертый абзац (Body paragraph 3) почему про Россию?
• Заключение не отвечает теме эссе и!!!! противоречит Introduction.

Короче, много баллов уже потеряно на неправильном ответе из серии 'Я тебе про Фому, а ты мне про Ерему )


Скажите, Вы понимаете о чем я? Потому как если нет, то надо начинать с самого главного - научиться читать вопрос.


ПС про Россию надо писать в качестве примеров, а не отдельный абзац.

Ошибки и прочее можно смотреть здесь: http://www.gday.ru/forum/members/mai...-favorite-new/

[Favorite]

ого как плохо. Спасибо большое, Maimiti_Isabella, за разбор. Можно несколько вопросов?
1. Заключение: согласен, сглупил.
2. Про ситуацию в своей стране надо было просто как пример в 1-ом абзаце в виде одного предложения? На экзамене 20 мая я тоже сделал как отдельный абзац о проблеме отходов в России.
3. 3-ий абзац был приведен для балансировки эссе, т.е. не все люди волнуются о внешнем виде. Он лишний?
4. Выражения "Time out of mind - с незапамятных времен" и "By the same token - справедливо и то, что" были содраны с одной из статей, напечатанной на ABC.net.au. Их не стоит использовать?
5. Youth в Oxford словаре имеет множественное число. В обычном языке оно не используется и не стоит так говорить?
6. Distinguishable может быть заменен be distinguished в смысле выделяться среди других?
7. Через неделю уезжаю в отпуск на месяц, а потом сразу на экзамен. Можно, пожалуйста, я еще штук 5-7 эссе выложу на провеку?

P.S. может австралийские статьи вообще не использовать? Только что разбирал статью, где ряд выражений использовалось не так как в словаре, например a novice industry. В словарях novice относится только к людям. Или очень много разговорных выражений (throw a party, team up) или allocate a few minutes to being quiet and contemplating the world.

[Favorite]

Позвольте еще одну работу выложить для разбора. Заранее спасибо.

Some people regard work as the most important thing in life and have little interest in anything else. Other people are more enthusiastic about their hobbies and leisure interests than their jobs. Discuss both attitudes and give your own opinion.

Nobody would argue that any of us spends a great deal of life working. Work is of the essence for some people while others consider that life should not be limited to a job only and devote the majority part of their time to their interests. Whether a work is worth to being the ultimate goal of an individual or not is a frequent theme of discussions.

Work is often assumed as the most basic way for achieving financial stability and an explicit social status. Indeed, did a person not devote its time and energy entirely to its job could he or she succeed in its life? In addition, right chosen occupation facilitates an individual’s well-being as well as favours its self-actualization. Working for a long period of time a person has wonderful opportunities for developing his or her skills and getting more experienced. It has a consequence in rising other people esteem.

However, some people fairly presume that life is many-sided and it would be not quite a good idea to spend all waking hours working. Apparently, family is paramount for many people. In particular, joint leisure leads to cohesion of a family unit. It is also true, that nowadays everyone undergoes stress of daily life. Allocating time for relaxation, hobbies or physical activities might make people feel better about themselves. Besides, an interesting leisure may assist in finding new friends and be the perfect counterpoint to less communication in our digital world as well.

To summarize, it would be fine coincided a person’s hobby with his or her working duties. Otherwise we should find the balance between our work and leisure. I am inclined that the sentence, “We work to live, not live to work” is absolutely right.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ого как плохо.

Not bad really. It's just that you have a tendency to be carried away and you need to learn to stay on the task

2. Про ситуацию в своей стране надо было просто как пример в 1-ом абзаце в виде одного предложения?

No, relevant Russia-related examples should've been brought into all body paragraphs to illustrate your point

3. 3-ий абзац был приведен для балансировки эссе, т.е. не все люди волнуются о внешнем виде. Он лишний?

maybe not, but it's not sufficiently developed to answer the essay topic and as such looks irrelevant. You probably need either to re-write it altogether or start with a stronger topic sentence which answers the essay topic

4. Выражения "Time out of mind - с незапамятных времен"

only heard it in songs.

и "By the same token - справедливо и то, что" были содраны с одной из статей, напечатанной на ABC.net.au. Их не стоит использовать?

you misused it here. The phrase is OK but it doesn't fit your context.

5. Youth в Oxford словаре имеет множественное число. В обычном языке оно не используется и не стоит так говорить?

Of course it's plural and that exactly what you failed to address. You used the verb in 3d person singular after it.
The youth care (not cares!)

6. Distinguishable может быть заменен be distinguished в смысле выделяться среди других?

I suggested a better alternative.
distinguish has the meaning of prominent and doesn't fit the context.

7. Через неделю уезжаю в отпуск на месяц, а потом сразу на экзамен. Можно, пожалуйста, я еще штук 5-7 эссе выложу на провеку?

You can certainly try but I can't promise anything as I'm also going to be off for several days. On the other hand, we've got Stayer who offered his help with checking essays.

P.S. может австралийские статьи вообще не использовать? Только что разбирал статью, где ряд выражений использовалось не так как в словаре, например a novice industry. В словарях novice относится только к людям. Или очень много разговорных выражений (throw a party, team up) или allocate a few minutes to being quiet and contemplating the world.

There are different types of articles. Besides, to throw a party or team up would look great during your speaking test or in a letter to a friend.

novice industry - real life English is so much richer and more colourful than the dictionary one!

[elease]

Посмотрите мое письмо (Task 1), плиз!

TASK 1:
You are a student in a language school in New Zealand studying Business English. Part of the course is a summer work-placement programme. Unfortunately, you have just learnt from the school that this programme has now been cancelled.
Write to the school principal. In your letter:
- state your reason for writing
- describe the problem and your concerns
- explain what you would like the Principal to do

-----------------------------------------------------------------
I am writing to express my concern about withdrawal of summer workplacement trainee exercise. This exercise was the main benefit of your language school and it persuaded me to enroll into the course.

From my point of view, language courses on their own are not so effective without real world practice. Working in an English speaking environment enables the knowledge obtained during the course. Now, with the summer program cancellation, it will make very difficult for me to activate my English language skills and devaluates the whole course. Also, working in a New Zealand company could provide me extra value on a labour market and I was exceptionally encouraged by this opportunity.

I understand that there is little what could be done in this situation. However, taking into consideration the importance of this program for me, I'd like to request you to direct me to on of the school former partner companies so that they could accept me for a short term practice. Otherwise, I am going to request significant compensation for the program cancellation.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Best reagrds,
Ivan Ivanov.

188 words

[taha]

Привет всем, готовлюсь к IELTS моя попытка №3, пожалуйста проверьте и дайте оценку!!!
What do you think about the terrorist: should the Muslims be blame for it? How can you help stop their terror.
In XXI century terrorism is considered to be the greatest problem of humankind. There are many different terrorist organizations all over the world, such as Hizb ut-Tahrir al-Islami, Kurdistan Workers Party, Boz Kurt, Lashkar-e-Toiba, Social Reforms Society (in Kuwait), Asbat an-Ansar (in Israel), Al-Qaeda, Taliban.
However, most of the people think, especially in western countries, that all terrorists from countries with Muslim population. They have a strong anti-Muslims attitudes and a stereotypes of Muslims, which means that all Muslims are terrorists. Although according to the stastics, the number of terrorist acts, which were made by Islamic terrorist organizations, was about 10 % in the last few years. In the following sentences I would like to introduce my opinion about this problem and suggest possible solutions.
Firstly, the politics in different places of the world say that terrorism has not nationality or a religion belong. Therefore we can not blamed Muslims for all terrorist acts. It would be unfair, because true Islam religion is religion of peace on the world.
Secondly, terror can not have any political effectiveness, because any action create reaction. So we should gather together and find solutions how we can overpower terrorism.
Finally, every person should contribute something for fight against terrorism. So my contribution would be introducing my religion and its pillars in places where I would be.
To sum up, all nations in the world are equal and blame one nation or religious group for something that they did not- would be unfair and infringe their human rights.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Привет всем, готовлюсь к IELTS моя попытка №3, пожалуйста проверьте и дайте оценку!!!
What do you think about the terrorist: should the Muslims be blame for it? How can you help stop their terror..

What does this have to do with IELTS? Or are you on a mission to ignite terror and intolerance?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

TASK 1:
You are a student in a language school in New Zealand studying Business English. Part of the course is a summer work-placement programme. Unfortunately, you have just learnt from the school that this programme has now been cancelled.
Write to the school principal. In your letter:
- state your reason for writing
- describe the problem and your concerns
- explain what you would like the Principal to do

-----------------------------------------------------------------
I am writing to express my concern about withdrawal of summer workplacement trainee exercise. This exercise was the main benefit of your language school and it persuaded me to enroll into the course.

From my point of view, language courses on their own are not so effective without real world practice. Working in an English speaking environment enables the knowledge obtained during the course. Now, with the summer program cancellation, it will make very difficult for me to activate my English language skills and devaluates the whole course. Also, working in a New Zealand company could provide me extra value on a labour market and I was exceptionally encouraged by this opportunity.

I understand that there is little what could be done in this situation. However, taking into consideration the importance of this program for me, I'd like to request you to direct me to on of the school former partner companies so that they could accept me for a short term practice. Otherwise, I am going to request significant compensation for the program cancellation.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Best reagrds,
Ivan Ivanov.

188 words

Перефразировать не значит изменить Стол, например, так и останется столом, и Вы не будете называть его 'предметом мебели за которым едят'. Это я в отношении work-placement programme. trainee exercise вообще здесь не подходит.
На самом деле ошибок достаточно много, в основном с выбором слов и выражений, что ведет к довольно poor readability.
Я бы сказала, что где-то 6, с учетом правильной огранизации и отсутствия серьезных ошибок.

Теперь по поводу последнего абзаца. Он довольно странный с точки зрения смысла. Вы что собираетесь сами огранизовать свой work placement, готовы за это данной школе подарить деньги? Во всяком случае у Вас получилось именно так. Т.е. дайте мне имена Ваших бывших партнеров или компенсация! А кстати, компенсация за что? Вы все-таки учиться у них будете или нет?

Best regards здесь надо заменить на (yours )Sincerely (yours)

[elease]

Maimiti_Isabella, спасибо за отзыв. Действительно не очень ясно написал. В голове держалось, что куда ж теперь деться, если уже студент языковой школы в НЗ, не домой же ехать... =)) И отдельное спасибо за поправку относительно BR, всю жизнь его в автоподписи держал, а оказывается это неформально.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

И отдельное спасибо за поправку относительно BR, всю жизнь его в автоподписи держал, а оказывается это неформально.

Да нет, тут вопрос в другом. Я тоже многие деловые емаил заканчиваю Best regards, но в этом случае речь идет именно о партнерских отношениях. В Вашем же письме ситуация совершенно другая и поэтому полудружеское Best regards не подходит.

[Alexander Usov]

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of giving international Aid to poor countries.

I think that the question whether international community should help developing countries is one that is topical, challenging and open for debate. Many people firmly believe that assistance for poor nations is essential. However others suppose that such help is not always efficient. In this essay I will analyze these points of view and present my opinion.

One the one hand, there are many reasons why wealthy nations have to take active part in supporting developing ones. One of the most substantial argument in favor of it is the fact that international organizations deliver food, medicines, clothes and vaccines in poor countries. As a result, these countries overcome serious problems such as famine, diseases and high rate of children mortality. For instance, I have recently read an article in a magazine about African countries which are suffering from such problems. According to a recent statistic report more than 10000 children die every day as a result of malnutrition. Thus it is clear why many gravitate towards this point of view.

On the other hand, some experts prefer to think that such way of helping is not effective. First of all, they believe that international funds should invest money in developing of industry instead of supplying goods of first priority. There is no doubt that if developing countries had own plants, farms and accommodation international help would be unnecessary. Another extremely important aspect of it is the fact that money which is allocated for these countries should be strictly controlled. Unfortunately, there are many evidences of stealing money from international funds. After analyzing these facts it is clear why some people support this claim.

Taking into account everything mentioned above I am inclined to think that international help plays significant role in contemporary world. I am sure that tension between countries will decline due to international support and collaboration.