My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[maritasha]

Посмотрите, пожалуйста еще на одно. На сколько может оно рассчитывать?

Should older people stay in their families or in nursing homes and alone on their final ages, what is your opinion?

Probably every adult person,(не нужна) who has to work on a daily basis,(не нужна) thought, (не нужна) at least once in his life,(не нужна) that the retirement age would be the happiest period of life. However,(нужна) being in the age is not only careless time for many old people, (нужна)who have to spend the rest of life in retirement homes, (не нужна)by one reason or another. Many people believe that progeny must care about their ancestors,(нужна) when (лучше сказать while или whereas) others argue that there are circumstances when the best place to live is a hospice. I am inclined to share the second view.

On the one hand, (нужна)bringing up their children,(не нужна)parents invest their time, money and attention in their own senium (elderly age), (не нужна) spending sleepless nights when their children are sick as well as feeding and clothing them. Therefore, everyone, (не нужна) who has old parents, (не нужна) must pay them with the same coin by treating them with love and care.

On the other hand, there are special circumstances when the optimal approach for senior citizens is to accommodate them in retirement houses. For instance, when seniors have a serious disability and have to be in a bed constantly, (не нужна) it is better when a learned professional takes care of them, because (лучше заменить на as) it is obvious that one who has to go work is not able to care of the other all the time. Thus, (нужна) in some situations a hospice is an optimal place to live.

To summarize, it is an (артикль the) absolute truth that children owe to their parents by many reasons and they have to care about their predecessors. But (but не употребляют в начале, лучше on the contary или oppositely или however), I strongly believe that in particular conditions it is reasonable to place an old person in a special establishment where he or she will receive all necessary service from the well-prepared personnel.

См. пометки в тексте по поводу запятых. Хорошее объяснение пунктуации дается в учебнике Focus in IELTS где-то в разделе Error hits. Очень подробно расписано по поводу пунктуации в дополнительных определяющих предложениях.
Например,
Alan, who is a teacher, lives in Brasil.
There are a lot of people who suffer from starvation in Africa. Чувствуете разницу?

Там, где можно обойтись ("опустить") без определяющего предложения без изменения смысла, там выделяется запятыми, там, где смысл меняется или недопонимание - запятыми не выделяют.

И все-таки отдельный абзац со своим мнением был бы крайне желателен.

[runk]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста

How do you think society will be affected by the growth of telecommuting? Telecommuting: will it change the world?

Definition: Telecommuting: workers doing all or part of their work from home and communicating with their office by computer.

Nowadays technologies took a huge part in our life. Especially telecommuting influenced on a society and makes possible to work from any place in the world and be close to your work place at the same time. It is agreed that telecommuting will change the world and society will use all the best of its features. The possibilities to stay close with family in tandem with reducing time for commuting to regular work place will show this.

Firstly, the opportunity to be near your family and children is a fantastic. For example you do not have to hire any person to sit with your children while you are working. As a result you will not have to worry about the children and house where you live. It is clear that this feature of telecommuting is very convenient for any of us.

Secondly, with telecommuting you will save time for commuting to work. For example, you do not have to wake up early to be at the work in a correct time, you do not have to spend hours in traffic jams and simply you save money on gasoline. It is not surprise that more free time is obviously an advantage. From this it become quite evident that with telecommuting person will have more time for rest, sport and other activities.

In conclusion, as it can be seen above, telecommuting will bring several advantages to our society. It is true that new technologies such as telecommuting will change the world and have positive influence on us. It is predicted that telecommuting will completely change a common office work.

[Meeky]

Можно и сюда кинуть. Думаю, всем будет интересно увидеть внятное разъяснение ошибок. Во мне живет идея выложить все свои проверки после того, как истрачу все свои 8.

Some people think that international sports events create problems for the hosting country and they are a waste of time and money. Do you agree or disagree with this view?

The Olympic Games is a good example of the traditional international sports events held every four years in different countries, which requires a colossal amount of money to be spent on it. Some people believe that governments of hosting countries spend this money down the drain, whilst others think that spending money for such an event is a beneficial investing. This essay will examine both views.

There is no doubt that amount of money, spending on rather kinds of sport competitions such as the Olympic Games or the Football World Cup Championship, is huge, while the number of issues, those should be tackled by governments of a country which holds the games, is often not less. Take Russia, for instance, where it is going the 2014 Olympic Games to be held, and where there are many underdeveloped fields, the health system, for instance, that can be improved for the money that been spent on the game's organization. Therefore, there are many people in Russia who are disappointed by governments decision to host the Olympic Games.

From the other hand, it is probably an unique opportunity to develop other vital fields in a country by investing money in the championship. If to look at Russia again, it is obvious that the South part of the country, which was neglected over the last several decades, has been re-shaped when the government invested millions of US dollars preparing the games in Sochi, the future capital of the 2014 Olympic Games. A few stadiums, Olympic counties and other infrastructure are being built there, and these will be used by people after games ending. Moreover, hosting the games there, Russian government will promote the country as a stable worldwide business partner, that will encourage investors to put their funds into new ventures, this, in turn, will gain country's economy in general. Thus, it is obvious now that it can be a perfect long-term investment when the countries spend money in worldwide sports events.

To summarize, in spite of opinion of many people that spending money on costly sports events governments do it in vain, an amount of long-term benefits overweights all the immediate expenses. Having these events on site, countries invest money in their future.

Спасибо, кстати!

Именно так и планировал выложить проверенную работу для всеобщей пользы, что и делаю

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста

How do you think society will be affected by the growth of telecommuting? Telecommuting: will it change the world?

Definition: Telecommuting: workers doing all or part of their work from home and communicating with their office by computer.

два вопроса прежде всего: 1) из какого учебника по IELTS эта тема и 2) Вы будете сдавать Academic or General?

А пока Вы будете думать над ответами на мои вопросы, посчитайте сколько раз Вы использовали слово telecommuting и как это отразится на оценке.

[deklerik88]

Спасибо за дельные советы. Пожалуйста выскажите свое мнение насчет и этого эссе. Напоминаю нужно минимум 6 за райтинг.

The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

We live in a society where all technologies and manufacture are connected with fossil resources. Some researchers call our era the oil age like the bronze age or the iron age in ancient time. Having first been used very scarcely, natural fuels became an essential resource. However, at the end of the 20th century, experts reported that fossil fuels would not be enough. Because of this estimate, governments and scientists from many countries have started to develop alternative sources of energy. In my opinion, such projects should have a great deal of support because these are a real way to prepare for an eventual fuel crisis and can help for science development.

First, there are no sufficient resources for the fast-growing world population. Moreover, these fossil fuels are not distributed equally. For instance, some countries have plenty oil but others coal or gas or uranium for atomic power stations. In the future, however, mankind would get a situation in which poor countries could not buy fuel, if the use of alternative resources did not begin. In other words, rich countries will not sell fuel because they need it for themselves and this fuel is not renewable. For scientist calculations, people have oil only for further 50 years.

Second, the development of alternatives for natural resources can help to increase the common level of science and its application. The new research projects for new energy sources are connected with new fundamental investigations. Nowadays, it is obvious that creating highly effective solar cells can not be done without the use of powerful interdisciplinary science such as nanotechnology.

To sum up everything described above I am inclined to believe that our future is for alternatives for fossil fuels.

[HolyMolly]

Именно так и планировал выложить проверенную работу для всеобщей пользы, что и делаю

Many thanks!

Интересно, почему проверяющим заменено an unique на a unique? Кто-нибудь знает?

[Meeky]

Many thanks!

Интересно, почему проверяющим заменено an unique на a unique? Кто-нибудь знает?

Потому что 'Ю' не считается гласным звуком, поэтому, например, пишут "a university", в отличие, например, от слов начинающихся с гласного звука - an umbrella, an uncle

[HolyMolly]

Потому что 'Ю' не считается гласным звуком, поэтому, например, пишут "a university", в отличие, например, от слов начинающихся с гласного звука - an umbrella, an uncle

Вы мне буквально открыли Америку! Я серьезно! Сказывается самообучаемость. Спасибо!

А вот в документации мне встречалось "a Oracle DBA". Что здесь не считается гласной, "o" или прописная "O"?

[Meeky]

А вот в документации мне встречалось "a Oracle DBA". Что здесь не считается гласной, "o" или прописная "O"?

Значит неправильная Вам документация попалась, должно быть "an Oracle DBA"...

[runk]

два вопроса прежде всего: 1) из какого учебника по IELTS эта тема и 2) Вы будете сдавать Academic or General?

А пока Вы будете думать над ответами на мои вопросы, посчитайте сколько раз Вы использовали слово telecommuting и как это отразится на оценке.

Тема из документа найденого на просторах сети, немного мутноватая, согласен. С повторениями тоже конечно переборщил, вы правы.

Пытаюсь сдать GT.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Тема из документа найденого на просторах сети, немного мутноватая, согласен. С повторениями тоже конечно переборщил, вы правы.

Пытаюсь сдать GT.

Так как я проверяю только IELTS essays (о чем я уже говорила несчетное количество раз), и оценка очень сильно зависит от раскрытия темы и умения ее перефразировать, то проверять это эссе лично я не буду.

Общее впечатление от Вашего английского - 6 максимум (это не оценка данного эссе)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за дельные советы. Пожалуйста выскажите свое мнение насчет и этого эссе. Напоминаю нужно минимум 6 за райтинг.

В данном эссе 6-ка точно есть. При наличии приличного заключения - а у Вас оно отсутствует - могло бы быть и 6.5

Из наиболее бросающихся в глаза проблем
1. отсутствие Conclusion
2. практически нерасрыта тема alternative sources of energy, а речь-то должна была быть об именно об их exploration and development. Т.е. я бы второй параграф посвятила именно этому - какие и как.
3. слово fuel/s повторяется 7 раз, что говорит о небогатом словарном запасе и неумении использвать другие возможности языка; слово fossil - 4.
4. некоторые 'нестыковки' в английском языке, т.е. некоторые фразы звучат совсем не по английски, например fossil fuels would not be enough - > there will be the lack of... / the world will run out of / there will be the shortage
And the synonyms
run out/ exerience the shortage/ lack (v), etc
will -> might/could/would (you used this one - good!)/ is likely to
5. some words that shouldn't have found their way into the essay as they are too informal, e.g. plenty - > many/much/vast resources/ or get
6. For General IELTS it's not a big issue but try to avoid the use of personal pronouns I, we and you


To illustrate a couple of my points, let's have a look at one of your sentences:

In the future, however, (Very good: you used 'however' in the middle of the sentence thus showing your understanding how English works) the mankind would get (-> encounter) a situation in which poor countries could not buy fuel, (the comma is not required) if the use of alternative resources did not begin (good - 2nd conditional)

В качестве 'подарка' несколько синонимов для эссе на подобные темы: alternative sources of energy (or: energy sources) / green sources of energy / renewable sources of energy/ environmentally friendly sources of energy

[runk]

Так как я проверяю только IELTS essays (о чем я уже говорила несчетное количество раз), и оценка очень сильно зависит от раскрытия темы и умения ее перефразировать, то проверять это эссе лично я не буду.

Общее впечатление от Вашего английского - 6 максимум (это не оценка данного эссе)

Спасибо, буду пробовать дальше.
In some countries children start full time school at the age of four. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this situation?
Write at least 250 words.

The problem with children education is debated all the time of existing school system. One of the discussed topic is an age for beginning a full-time learning. In several countries the age for beginning education is a four years old, and there are some benefits and losses of such approach. The both sides of the problem will be analyzed below and reasoned conclusion will be given.

On the one hand, when children start school in the age of four, they begin to develop mentally in very young age, what an obviously an advantage. For example the children whom start education in so young age are able to read and count. It is agreed that ability to read given huge opportunity for anyone for getting new knowledge from books and develop further. As it can be seen, situation when children start the learning process in small age provide them with the great possibilities.

On the other hand, the approach with beginning education in the age of seven or eight has its own advantages. In this age the child is ready to acquire new knowledge in contract with age of four, when child just start to discover the world around him or her. For instance, in this age children are more confident in classroom, spend less time for play and able to concentrate on a certain topic. It is clear that this approach is more clever and based on the age when children really ready to get new knowledge.

To sum up, the truth is probably is in the middle, and we have to base our decision on the circumstances. I think the best age to start education is age of six, when children are ready to it. Further researches should answer to this complicated question despite of the debates of the people.

[Destan]

Teacher and students must be friend.

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us"
As the former tradition, people are learning through their entire life and of course that our first teachers are parents. Moreover parents also could be trust friend that we , children could say our problems in school, secretes etc. This does not mean that we need to be a friend with schools teachers even if they are also called teacher. I look at this in another way that students should not to be a friend with teachers. Resulting from this I will give some reasons to support my paragraph.
First of all teachers are working to teach students, not to hear their family problems, enjoy in clubs or changes with secrets. As we can see when children go to school nearly they need teacher who help them study more difficult and complicated things. Owning to the fact teachers have job that government pay for their work and students have parents to let them one’s secrets and share with problems too.
Second of all, Personally I think that it lead some negative thing. To have friendship between teacher and students, this seems untenable because student might not study saying “she is my favorite teacher, we comprehend each other very well. For this reason study of children could go to negative ways.
To conclude, teacher and students should not be friend how they can. Teacher should stay strong. In this case students would be helped by teacher to develop and improve their knowledge.




please can anyone check and band my answer ?? I would be glad to see my errors / thanx

[maritasha]

HolyMolly, вы разобрались с пунктуацией?