My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[maritasha]

Нас тоже учили, что если что-то утверждаете, то это должен быть либо совсем очевидный факт, либо писать почему (допустим, вы утверждаете, что темпы производства сократились и тут же нужно написать, с чего вы это взяли, допустим, согласно такой-то статистики или согласно докладу какого-нибудь министра по экономике, например).

[Bekzod]

Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Other think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.

What, in you opinion, should be the main function of a university?


In our contemporary world many university graduates do not satisfy the needs of the employers. There is a public belief that students are taught the right skills and knowledge during their education. However, in reality it is not as believed due the fact that employer’s ability and knowledge requirements vary. Thus, it raises a dispute among all walks of life regarding the true function of the universities. In my opinion, universities should provide a general knowledge of the chosen modules by students. My point of view is based on the following grounds.

First of all, in order to understand why students are need to be taught general knowledge(правильно ???) it is appropriate to look at the drawbacks of teaching by the demands of the employers. It goes without saying that universities cannot cope in meeting the demands of the hirers. Suffice it to say that organizations requirements are unique. Moreover, it is not guaranteed that the graduates will have the modern knowledge. For instance, IT students, it is evident that technology is developing by leaps and bounds. Thus, the gained knowledge and skill cannot be in demand by the time of graduation.

In addition, employers can organize joint courses with universities in turn the former will receive skilled workers and the latter profit. For understanding the topic more deeply it is necessary to look at individuals. Many students rely on educational environments. If they want to get a good job and to be a skilled worker with high wage they should work on themselves. Self perfection may be the right decision for them. Moreover, asking tutors for help can result in gaining additional knowledge.

In conclusion, one may say that the problem occurs not only from organizations but also from individuals. Students have to be in touch with the news of their chosen profession as for universities they should teach contemporary general knowledge of the course. Nevertheless, the bone of contention still remains unsolved due to the fact aforementioned measures are not clearly in action.

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Надеюсь это последний эссе, завтра экзамен. Проверте эссе пожалуйста и желательно score. Успел написать его за 35 мин, НО на компьютере. В нем 336 слов не многовато??

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Bekzod,
Your approach to starting the essay is just not right. You need a very general statement first, while you, on the other hand, are going straight to the problem. What is the essay about? - employment and education or education for education. So get a sentence that introduce the topic, i.e.
Traditionally universitites were viewed as the house of learning and academic achievement and their main purpose was to advance and share knowledge in a particular field. However, over the time universities have developed into training institutions with the focus on providing skills for jobs.

Conclusion

In conclusion, one may say that the problem occurs not only from organizations but also from individuals. Students have to be in touch with the news of their chosen profession as for universities they should teach contemporary general knowledge of the course. Nevertheless, the bone of contention still remains unsolved due to the fact aforementioned measures are not clearly in action.

Now read the task again and you will see that your conclusion has very little to do with the essay task and question. You were not asked to solve any problems. You were only asked to give an opinion and there's almost nothing on that in the Conclusion.

You need to learn to approach the task correctly! Otherwise you will not get the marks that you deserve.

First of all, in order to understand why students are need to be taught general knowledge(правильно ???)

- no. Poor grammar. ... students should be taught/need to be taught (no 'are'). Besides, you can't be taught 'knowledge'. These words do not collocate.
acquire/obtain/gain knowledge
So, the sentence must be re-phrased.

teaching by the demands of the employers -> to/ according to
It goes without saying - cliche. Will not get you any points. Get rid of it.

cope in meeting the demands of the -> cope/deal with
hirers - absolutely inappropriate here: job providers/ companies


You need to get rid of the cliches and eliminate the excessive use of linking words: the meaning is lost because of these.


You are writing too much. This is not a problem as is. The problem is that it's not to your advantange as you're making mistakes. It's much preferable to spend your time on getting your essay right and proof reading for mistakes. Aim for 280-290 and this will be quite enough.

My advice stays the same as always: spend about 5 minutes on planning your essay before you even start writing.

[Bekzod]

thanks, enough for now. people do not comment my last essay. I will write a new one as soon as i finish reading=))

to Maimiti_Isabella : i will write my next essay taking into account all the notices. And by the way i made about 6-7 spelling mistakes. Will it substantially reduce my score?

So my main problem is OFFTOPIC??

THANKS

[Maimiti_Isabella]

So my main problem is OFFTOPIC??

YES!

[Bekzod]

I've just always thought that i can slightly change the topic. It seems like i've forgotten the golden rule, which it says if monkey is asking for banana then one should provide exactly banana not an apple =) I am just not so creative

How about my spelling errors Maimiti_Isabella? their effect?

[HolyMolly]

Спасибо Вам огромное! Вы уже не раз принимали активное участи в обсуждении моих кривых ессе.

...could be experienced at their (в этом месте не понял at their что?),

Здесь имелось в виду at their ages. В одном из примеров резюме мне попадалась такая фишка - мне понравлось. А давайте спросим кого-нибудь опытного, например Maimiti_Isabella, уместно ли так делать? Maimiti_Isabella, если не трудно, Ваше мнение.

[HolyMolly]

Кто-нибудь может дать ссылку самоучке на ресурс, в котором доходчиво объясняются принципы sentence formation? Вчера был получен разбор второго ессе от он-лайн преподователя - регресс налицо. Надо бы прокачать этот момент.

[maritasha]

Кто-нибудь может дать ссылку самоучке на ресурс, в котором доходчиво объясняются принципы sentence formation? Вчера был получен разбор второго ессе от он-лайн преподователя - регресс налицо. Надо бы прокачать этот момент.

а вы не работали по книге Academic writing practice for IELTS? Муж с нее начинал.
ну и вот ссылка - посмотрите http://writefix.com/argument/body2.htm

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I've just always thought that i can slightly change the topic. It seems like i've forgotten the golden rule, which it says if monkey is asking for banana then one should provide exactly banana not an apple =) I am just not so creative

How about my spelling errors Maimiti_Isabella? their effect?

Put it this way: if somebody asks you your name, you are not going to tell them your lifestory, right?

You can take it whatever way you like - even believe in the monkey thing - but noone is interested in your opinion about the task. If you are asked a question, you have only two options, to answer the question or to walk away. This goes for all aspects of life in an English speaking country.


Spelling is the least of your problems.

[maritasha]

Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Other think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.

What, in you opinion, should be the main function of a university?


In our contemporary world many university graduates do not satisfy the needs of the employers. There is a public belief that students are taught the right skills and knowledge during their education. However, in reality it is not as believed due the fact that employer’s ability and knowledge requirements vary. Thus, it raises a dispute among all walks of life regarding the true function of the universities. In my opinion, universities should provide a general knowledge of the chosen modules by students. My point of view is based on the following grounds.

First of all, in order to understand why students are need to be taught general knowledge(правильно ???) it is appropriate to look at the drawbacks of teaching by the demands of the employers. It goes without saying that universities cannot cope in meeting the demands of the hirers. Suffice it to say that organizations requirements are unique. Moreover, it is not guaranteed that the graduates will have the modern knowledge. For instance, IT students, it is evident that technology is developing by leaps and bounds. Thus, the gained knowledge and skill cannot be in demand by the time of graduation.

In addition, employers can organize joint courses with universities in turn the former will receive skilled workers and the latter profit. For understanding the topic more deeply it is necessary to look at individuals. Many students rely on educational environments. If they want to get a good job and to be a skilled worker with high wage they should work on themselves. Self perfection may be the right decision for them. Moreover, asking tutors for help can result in gaining additional knowledge.

In conclusion, one may say that the problem occurs not only from organizations but also from individuals. Students have to be in touch with the news of their chosen profession as for universities they should teach contemporary general knowledge of the course. Nevertheless, the bone of contention still remains unsolved due to the fact aforementioned measures are not clearly in action.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Надеюсь это последний эссе, завтра экзамен. Проверте эссе пожалуйста и желательно score. Успел написать его за 35 мин, НО на компьютере. В нем 336 слов не многовато??

структура эссе у вас не очень хорошо соблюдена. Ни в интродакшн, ни в боди параграфах, ни в заключении. Еще раз внимательно перечитайте как должно быть написано эссе этого типа. Parts

Интродакшн: 1)перефраз того, что в задании + 2)предложение "за" + 3)предложение "против"+ 4)вкратце свое мнение

параграф1
Еще раз обозначаете "за" (или то, что думают одни), аргументируете, приводите примеры

параграф2
То же, только для "против" (то, что говорят по этому поводу другие)

параграф3
формулируете свое мнение, может соглашаетесь с чем-то из того, что написали выше, объясняете почему так считаете

заключение
Да, эти по своему правы, да и вот так должно быть и я с этим согласен/не согласен/частично согласен.

примерно так.

Параграф 2 не может начинаться со слов in addition, потому что здесь вы формируете другую мысль, противоположную той, о которой была речь в 1-м параграфе. Соответственно здесь будут фразы: on the other hand, however, in contrast и т.п.

[HolyMolly]

а вы не работали по книге Academic writing practice for IELTS? Муж с нее начинал.
ну и вот ссылка - посмотрите Body 2

Спасибо, поищу эту книженцию в сети. Просто, большинство задачников не разъясняют азы построения предложений. Так сказать, невозможно для себя расставить маячки в мозгу, чтобы в нужный момент они срабатывали. А поскольку писать руками получается медленно, то пока пишешь вторую часть предложения забываешь, что написано в начале и мелодика языка уплывает. И Вам еще раз спасибо, что возитесь здесь со мной.

[maritasha]

Спасибо, поищу эту книженцию в сети. Просто, большинство задачников не разъясняют азы построения предложений. Так сказать, невозможно для себя расставить маячки в мозгу, чтобы в нужный момент они срабатывали. А поскольку писать руками получается медленно, то пока пишешь вторую часть предложения забываешь, что написано в начале и мелодика языка уплывает. И Вам еще раз спасибо, что возитесь здесь со мной.

могу книгу вам на мэйл прислать, если хотите. муж получил 7 на первой сдаче, занимаясь исключительно по ней без преподавателя около месяца.

[Bekzod]

writing 1 не сложно ведь правда? Ну там если знать слова которые обозначают изменения

[HolyMolly]

могу книгу вам на мэйл прислать, если хотите. муж получил 7 на первой сдаче, занимаясь исключительно по ней без преподавателя около месяца.

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