My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Alisha]

Прошу проверить эссе,написано не на время,но очень трудно-пробный шар
Some people say that wild animals sould not be keeping in the zoos/while others believe that zoos are good for them.Write about both statements and your own opinion.
The people are interesting about wild animals and their behavior in all times, therefore large cities have zoos. This essays aim is to understand why we for or against of keeping animals in zoos.


Some people think that animals should have a free life in natural and suitable area. For example, for an African lion too difficult living in the cold countries in close space, and white bear from North Pole feels unpleasant in the hot countries without snow and frost. Some animals can not to reproduce in captivity.


In the other site, animals have a care, food and treatment in needless cases in zoos. Some kinds of animals were saved as a result of working zoologists, who looks after rare types of them. For example,white tigers do not live in the wild nature,only few exemplars live and reproduce in some zoos.


Furthermore, man need to have a connection with the nature, one of the opportunity is visiting zoos and enjoy of spending time with family, particular it is good for children. They can observe animals and pass time with parents.


I believe, that the modern zoos have good conditions for keeping wild animals. Science researches and observes in zoos help to know more about animals and their behavior. People like to see alive exotic animals in most of world.


To sum above, zoos will have place to be while people will visit and enjoy to do it. It should be in clause with good care about animals, because too difficult observe distressed our little brothers. I hope in this case nobody do not be against zoos.
270 слов
Спасибо

[Lesha]

Уважаемые друзья,

пожалуйста, покритикуйте мое очередное эссе. Прошу вас не стесняться, буду рад услышать все ваши ценные замечания. И, если вы обладаете опытом, скажите пожалуйста, можно ли с таким эссе рассчитывать на 7 и выше?

TOPIC: Should countries encourage tourism? Discuss.

Essay:
Imagine that throughout all your life you visit only two places: your home and your work. Would such life be still interesting or will you try to escape after second month of this lifestyle? Many experts claim that tourism industry development is vital to a country, while others hold that tourism brings more problems than is able to solve. In the following paragraphs I will take a closer look at both points of view.

The first thing that should be noted is a common belief that tourism can substantially contribute to the country’s economy. For example, such countries as Egypt and Thailand, literally, live on the income from tourism. What is more, as a general rule, this money is invested further to the development of infrastructure and facilities, which also improves the overall economy of the country. Thus, it should be clear that there is an obvious link between tourism industry development and economic growth.

On the other hand, there are sceptics that point out the negative impacts of tourism development: spread of terrorism and danger to the local way of life. These ideas are clearly illustrated by the shocking attack on the World Trade centre in the USA, when extremists entered the country as tourists and fully destroyed the two towers of the World Trade centre with over 25,000 people dead or missing. Needless to say, that life of an ordinary American citizen has changed dramatically as a result of the government measures and regulations that followed the tragedy.

To conclude, there is evidence both to support and to refute the view that countries should encourage tourism. The best course of actions would be to achieve a balance between people’s safety and economic issues.

Большое спасибо.

Павел и Лаврентий, пользуясь случаем, хочу выразить вам большой респект. Ну, и привет передать

[Lesha]

Прошу проверить эссе,написано не на время,но очень трудно-пробный шар
Some people say that wild animals sould not be keeping in the zoos/while others believe that zoos are good for them.Write about both statements and your own opinion.
..............

Алиша, во-первых, приветствую земляка
На этом, все.

Шучу Но есть и доля правды - простите за мою халатность в детальном оформлении ошибок, времени катастрофически не хватает.

Однако, что сразу заметно при прочтении вашего эссе. Сразу бросается в глаза некорректное оформление параграфов - одно-два предложения, незаконченные мысли, хаотичное движение. Параграф должен выражать единую мысль цельно, с первым предложением, как summary из того, что сейчас будет сказано, далее примеры или подтверждение, и в конце плавное закругление или переход к следующей мысли.
Далее, много ошибок с определенными/неопределенными артиклями. По секрету скажу, сам этим страдаю
И, что хуже, много ошибок с глаголами и временами.

Но, "лиха беда начало", тренируйтесь, пишите и все получится. Первым делом, обратите внимание на параграфы и плавность мысли.

Удачи!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

, можно ли с таким эссе рассчитывать на 7 и выше?

Да,
(subject to time constrains and test conditions)

Постарайтесь не использовать двоеточие в эссе. Там где Вы его поставили очень хорошо 'смотрелось' бы:
1. запятая: two places, your home and your (cross out 'your') work.
2. relative clause: impacts of tourism development, which are spread of terrorism
or
impacts of tourism development like spread of terrorism

Также, старайтесь избегать вопросительных предложений, а также императивов. (см. Intro)

Если нужна минимум 7-ка, то я бы все-таки подстраховалась и еще немного потренировалась. Есть моменты над которыми надо поработать: как избегать проблем с артиклем, предлоги после некоторых глаголов.
Из положительных моментов - разнообразное и не 'скучное' построение предложений, неплохой словарный запас (только зачем 2 раза 'clear' - непонятно) и практическое отсутствие серьезных грамматических и пунктационных ошибок.

Есть некотрые вещи, кот. мне не нравятся стилистически, но ...

[Lesha]

Maimiti_Isabella, большое спасибо за ваши комментарии.
Позвольте и вас помучать уточняющими вопросами, во благо делу искоренения невежества

Также, старайтесь избегать вопросительных предложений, а также императивов. (см. Intro)

Честно говоря, я уже давно сбит с толку Сейчас я пишу интро под влиянием Successful writing by Vanessa Evans, где прямо говорится о том, что You can start you essay by: ....., asking a rhetorical question, adressing directly to the reader (with question), formulating a bit strange and non-realistic idea,....

Если перефразировать вот так, то будет ли лучше на ваш взгляд?
Would our life still be interesting if people were allowed to visit only two places in a lifetime, their work and home? It is widely agreed that torism make our life much more interesting and ability to travel gives us new vivid impressions. What is more,.....

Есть моменты над которыми надо поработать: как ...... предлоги после некоторых глаголов.

Если вас не затруднит, могу я попросить вас показать пару конкретных мест? Видимо, у меня уже глаз замылен, и я не вижу, а надо исправляться

только зачем 2 раза 'clear' - непонятно

Вы имеете ввиду вот это:
"Thus, it should be clear that there is an obvious link between... "
или что-то другое?

Большое спасибо!!!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Maimiti_Isabella, большое спасибо за ваши комментарии.
Позвольте и вас помучать уточняющими вопросами, во благо делу искоренения невежества


Честно говоря, я уже давно сбит с толку Сейчас я пишу интро под влиянием Successful writing by Vanessa Evans, где прямо говорится о том, что You can start you essay by: ....., asking a rhetorical question, adressing directly to the reader (with question), formulating a bit strange and non-realistic idea,....

А зачем готовиться по американским учебникам?
Посмотрите книги по подготовке к IELTS и посчитайте сколько раз там употребляются подобные формы в эссе

Если перефразировать вот так, то будет ли лучше на ваш взгляд?
Would our life still be interesting if people were allowed to visit only two places in a lifetime, their work and home?

No, it's still a question. Хотя, изменение 'you' to 'our' - is much better. Честно говоря, я вообще не вижу как первые два предложения соотносятся с темой эссе. Они - абсолютно лишние и только мешают пониманию. Почему бы, например, не упомянуть друзей или родителей - ну Вы понимаете о чем я...

Я бы начала сразу с роли туризма в современной жизни в общем или сразу о его роли в экономике отдельных стран (без перечня стран, естественно) в частности.

Вы имеете ввиду вот это:
"Thus, it should be clear that there is an obvious link between... "
или что-то другое?

- именно это. Получилось 'масло масленное'. Не стоит стремиться увеличить количество слов за счет выражений не имеющих никакого смысла, т.е. 'пустых'.

Кстати, надеюсь, что Вы здесь 'были'

[Lavrentiy]

TOPIC: Should countries encourage tourism? Discuss.

TOPIC: Should countries encourage tourism? Discuss.

Essay:
Imagine that throughout all your life you visit only two places: your home and your work. Would such life be still interesting or (1) will you try to escape after second month of this lifestyle? Many experts claim that (2) tourism industry development is vital to a country, while others hold that tourism (3) brings more problems than (4) is able to solve. In the following paragraphs I will take a closer look at both points of view.

The first thing that should be noted is a common belief that tourism can substantially contribute to the country’s economy. For example, such countries as Egypt and Thailand, literally, live on the income from tourism. What is more, as a general rule, this money is invested further (5) to the development of infrastructure and facilities, which also improves the overall economy of the country. Thus, (6) it should be clear that there is an obvious link between tourism industry development and economic growth.

On the other hand, there are sceptics that point out the negative impacts of tourism development: (7) spread of terrorism and danger to the local way of life. These ideas are clearly illustrated by the shocking attack on the World Trade ( centre in the USA, when extremists entered the country as tourists and fully destroyed the two towers of the World Trade centre (9) with over 25,000 people dead or missing. Needless to say, that life of an ordinary American citizen has changed dramatically as a result of the government measures and regulations that followed the tragedy.

To conclude, there is evidence both to support and to refute the view that countries should encourage tourism. The best course of (10) actions would be to achieve a balance between people’s safety and economic issues.

(1) would – dlja soglasovanija (?)
(2) tourism industry development – “mnogoetazhka”. development of tourism industry; vital to develop tourism industry. Po-natural’nej?
(3) brings with it – ili – creates – lushche?
(4) being able (?)
(5) into
(6) “it should be clear” – dumaju, zvuchit grubovato: “It SHOULD be clear to you idiots!” “There is an OBVIOUS link, don’t you know?” … Mozhet prosto: “it is clear”?
(7) the
( capital “C”? – not sure
(9) killing over 25,000 people – luchshe? Inache mozhno podumat’, chto bashni byli polny mertvecov DO ih razrushenija.
(10) action – edinstvennoe chislo

A real gem of an essay, in my humble opinion. I venture to predict a very high mark. Well done!

[Alisha]

Lesha,спасибо за мягкий пинок и советы,согласна - побольше практики и может что-нибудь получится.

[Ася]

Буду благодарна, если вы дадите комментарии к моему essay task 1 ,

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое ессе!
The bar graph shows the percentage number of sports played in Australia in 2003 comparing amount of girls and boys involved in each sport.
According to the graph, netball was the most popular sport among girls (25%) and the least popular – among boys (less than 1%). For men, soccer was the most attractive sport activity (24%), while girls didn’t really like it (5%). Both boys (13%) and girls (21%) enjoyed swimming.
Furthermore, such sports as martial arts (10%), cricket (10%), tennis (9%) and basketball (8%) were almost on the same preference level among boys with a little dominance of the first two ones.
At the same time cricket (below 1%) was the most disliked game for girls. Girls’ participation in tennis (8%) was quite the same as boys’. Martial arts (11%) and basketball (11%) occupied the same rank in girls’ preference list.
In the case of other sports, the graph showed rather higher percentages: 20% for boys and 12 % for girls.
Generally, from the graph it can be seen that netball was top sport for girls and soccer – for boys.

[Lavrentiy]

Покритикуйте, пожалуйста, мое ессе!
The bar graph shows the percentage number of sports played in Australia in 2003 comparing amount of girls and boys involved in each sport.
According to the graph, netball was the most popular sport among girls (25%) and the least popular – among boys (less than 1%). For men, soccer was the most attractive sport activity (24%), while girls didn’t really like it (5%). Both boys (13%) and girls (21%) enjoyed swimming.
Furthermore, such sports as martial arts (10%), cricket (10%), tennis (9%) and basketball (8%) were almost on the same preference level among boys with a little dominance of the first two ones.
At the same time cricket (below 1%) was the most disliked game for girls. Girls’ participation in tennis (8%) was quite the same as boys’. Martial arts (11%) and basketball (11%) occupied the same rank in girls’ preference list.
In the case of other sports, the graph showed rather higher percentages: 20% for boys and 12 % for girls.
Generally, from the graph it can be seen that netball was top sport for girls and soccer – for boys.

Fantastic English!

Two things: 1) "AMOUNT of boys and girls" ?? You can count them, can't you?

2) "soccer"? We say "football" now, unless we are yanks. "Soccer" is an old English public school abbreviation for Association Football. Normally used to distinguish from American Football. Nobody plays American football in Oz, last time I checked!

The rest is spotless!

[Ася]

Fantastic English!

Two things: 1) "AMOUNT of boys and girls" ?? You can count them, can't you?

2) "soccer"? We say "football" now, unless we are yanks. "Soccer" is an old English public school abbreviation for Association Football. Normally used to distinguish from American Football. Nobody plays American football in Oz, last time I checked!

The rest is spotless!

Lavrentiy, many many thanks!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

2) "soccer"? We say "football" now, unless we are yanks. "Soccer" is an old English public school abbreviation for Association Football. Normally used to distinguish from American Football. Nobody plays American football in Oz, last time I checked!

The rest is spotless!

But we do say soccer over here. Or should it be 'down here'?
What you refer to as football is European football, unless you're a big SBS fan. And if you play football down under, then you're playing footy (Australian football) in fact.

[Lavrentiy]

But we do say soccer over here. Or should it be 'down here'?
What you refer to as football is European football, unless you're a big SBS fan. And if you play football down under, then you're playing footy (Australian football) in fact.

Well, I am not a man to argue. You Aussies have your own versions of all sports - I always wondered why? I do prefer the Australian version of rugby: the round pitch etc. Didn't know the word "soccer" was in use down under. What a "shocker"! One learns something every day... lol

[Lesha]

Уважаемые друзья,

прошу вас покритиковать мои письмо и эссе. Перехожу к подготовке в формате экзамена (1 час на Writing). Буду очень благодарен за ваши комментарии. Очень прошу вас оценить корректность использования других возможных вариантов (в скобках) в данном контексте, которые также обдумывались как возможные к написанию.

Большое спасибо.

Task 1: Write a letter to sports centre’s manager complaining about some problems you have to face when you go to this sports centre.

Letter:
Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to draw your attention to several problems I had to face during my last visit to “Rakhat Fitness” sports centre.

First of all, I would like to mention that although I have purchased an annual membership card, no locker was assigned for my personal usage, as it was promised to me. Thus, I have to use different lockers each time I visit your centre, and this is not convenient for me.

Furthermore, there are two hair-dryers in (at?) the changing room for men, nevertheless none of them is working properly. As a result, last time I had to leave the building with my hair wet and, because of that, caught a cold. To my strong opinion, there should be at least one hair-dryer working properly, especially in the winter period, when you can easily get ill if your hair is wet when you get outside the building.

I hope that the above mentioned problems will receive your immediate attention, and trust that the matter with my personal locker will be resolved as soon as possible.

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely yours (Faithfully yours/Yours faithfully – which is better?),
Lesha

189 words, 20 minutes

Task 2: Computers can translate all kinds of languages well. Do our children need to learn more languages in the future?

Essay:
It is true to say that in our rapidly changing “high-tech” world computers can do almost everything. Some experts claim that in the future all translations between different languages could be performed by machines. On the other hand, however, many people believe that only human being can uphold human communications. This point of view will be proved in the following paragraphs by analyzing the importance of “human factor” in translation (another option – ... by analyzing the role of the human factor in the international communications and incapability of machines to translate images, created by poems and narratives).

To begin with, it is commonly agreed that only humans can properly maintain translation in people’s communications. If this were not true, we could use computer-based translators in all our activities, and even politicians could successfully discuss any issues without engaging a human interpreter. In fact, such machines are used mostly by tourists and in other situations of no or little importance. However, in the case where misunderstanding may cause harsh effects, people prefer to use trusted human translator, and this clearly illustrates the importance of the “human factor”.

Furthermore, although some people argue that computers can easily handle with translation of books and written text, many would oppose this point of view, holding that imagination could not be interpreted by any machine. For example, it would be unlikely for a computer to translate poems by Robert Burns, where imagination carries you away from the exact words while you read. Thus, it is obvious that only human translators can carry such images into another language.

For the above mentioned reasons, it is most possible (very likely-?) that in the future our children will still have to learn the languages of other people. It could be predicted that computers will not replace human translators in the future (, that is possible to imagine) - please recommend if to add this ending (in brackets) or not; i really would like to .

280-295 words (depending on options in brackets ) 35 minutes

Честно говоря, есть ощущение, что эссе написано не совсем по теме, но "Остапа понесло", да и охваченные топики вроде бы по теме. В заключении спохватился, и написал прямой ответ на вопрос задания. Как вы считаете, такой вариант не будет занижен в оценке?

Буду чрезвычайно признателен за все ваши комментарии.
Спасибо!

[Alexizzz]

Уважаемые друзья,

прошу вас покритиковать мои письмо и эссе. Перехожу к подготовке в формате экзамена (1 час на Writing). Буду очень благодарен за ваши комментарии. Очень прошу вас оценить корректность использования других возможных вариантов (в скобках) в данном контексте, которые также обдумывались как возможные к написанию.

Большое спасибо.

Task 1: Write a letter to sports centre’s manager complaining about some problems you have to face when you go to this sports centre.

Letter:
Dear Sir/Madam,

(1)
I am writing to draw your attention to several problems I had to face during my last visit to “Rakhat Fitness” sports centre.

First of all, I would like to mention that although I have purchased an annual membership card, no locker was assigned for my personal usage, as it was promised to me. Thus, I have to use different lockers each time I visit your centre, and this is not convenient for me.(2)

Furthermore, there are two hair-dryers in (at?) the changing room for men, nevertheless (3) none of them is working properly. As a result, last time I had to leave the building with my hair (4) wet and, because of that, caught a cold. To my strong opinion, there should be at least one hair-dryer working properly, especially in the winter period, when you can easily get ill if your hair is wet when you get outside the building.

I hope that the above mentioned problems will receive your immediate attention, and trust that the matter with my personal locker will be resolved as soon as possible.

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely yours (Faithfully yours/Yours faithfully – which is better?), (5)
Lesha

189 words, 20 minutes

Task 2: Computers can translate all kinds of languages well. Do our children need to learn more languages in the future?

Essay:
It is true to say (1) that in our rapidly changing “high-tech” world computers can do almost everything. Some experts claim that in the future all translations between different languages could be performed by machines. On the other hand, however,(2) many people believe that only human being can uphold human communications. This point of view will be proved in the following paragraphs by analyzing the importance of “human factor” in translation (another option – ... by analyzing the role of the human factor in the international communications and incapability of machines to translate images, created by poems and narratives).

To begin with, it is commonly agreed that only humans can properly maintain translation in people’s communications. If this were not true, we could use computer-based translators in all our activities, and even politicians could successfully discuss any issues without engaging a human interpreter. In fact, such machines are used mostly by tourists and in other situations of no or little importance. However, in the case where misunderstanding may cause harsh effects, people prefer to use trusted human translator, and this clearly illustrates the importance of the “human factor”.

Furthermore, although some people argue that computers can easily handle with translation of books and written text, many would oppose this point of view, holding that imagination could not be interpreted by any machine. For example, it would be unlikely for a computer to translate poems by Robert Burns, where imagination carries you away from the exact words while you read. Thus, it is obvious that only human translators can carry such images into another language.

For the above mentioned reasons, it is most possible (very likely-?) that in the future our children will still have to learn the languages of other people. It could be predicted that computers will not replace human translators in the future (, that is possible to imagine) - please recommend if to add this ending (in brackets) or not; i really would like to .

280-295 words (depending on options in brackets ) 35 minutes

Честно говоря, есть ощущение, что эссе написано не совсем по теме, но "Остапа понесло", да и охваченные топики вроде бы по теме. В заключении спохватился, и написал прямой ответ на вопрос задания. Как вы считаете, такой вариант не будет занижен в оценке?

Буду чрезвычайно признателен за все ваши комментарии.
Спасибо!

Позволю себе высказаться:
1. Тут наверное надо было представиться
2. Тут возможно надо было подробнее описать свои срадания
3. nevertheless должно быть в начале предложения.
4. was -?
5. Yours faithfully

Эссе:
1. [to say] - не нужно
2. On the other hand\ however - одно из 2-х

Да, эссе совершенно не по теме. Про детей вспомнили только в заключении. С таким эссе можно рассчитывать ИМХО только на 5 - 5.5.