My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[VOlya]

Можно же он-лайн узнать результаты то ли на 12, то ли на 13 день, зачем ждать пока доедет? Даже была тема, посвященная этому здесь. Точный адрес не помню, к сожалению.

я бы рада, но как мне сказали,
в россии система не работает, по крайней мере для Самары

[Katrinka]

Good point, thanks! However, using "people" all the time will not be good for vocabulary range mark. What other words we can think of, in this context?

persons, visitors

[VOlya]

я тут написала правильную формулировку.
Many people prefer living in large appartment blocks.
Do you think that this type of accommodation has more advantages than disadvantages?

По-русски этот вопрос звучит так:
Как вы думаете, проживание в этом типе жилья имеет больше + чем -?

т.к, справшививают, Do you think ... ?, значит спрашивают мое мнение по этому поводу.
И в первом абзатце я четко говорю, что From my point of view, living in flats in appartment block has many advantages then disadvantages.
далее мне нужно аргументировать свою точку зрения, т.е просто ответить на вопрос ПОЧЕМУ ЭТО? и подтвердить это примерами из жизни... Далее: я начинаю это подтверждать 2-мя следующими параграфами.

В заключение пишу: для меня это самой лучший accomodation...
Все верно?

Balamut5 у вас такое прикольное эссе на скорую руку.
не совсем по формату, но интересно читать.

в любом случае, через 2 недели узнаем на сколько оценили мое творение.

получила 6.5 за Writing Похоже что тему я поняла правильно.

[Lesha]

получила 6.5 за Writing Похоже что тему я поняла правильно.

VOlya, примите мои искренние поздравления по обоим пунктам

[Lesha]

Уважаемые друзья,

пожалуйста, покритикуйте мое очередное эссе. Признаюсь, что очень много работал в последнее время в направлении улучшения своего письма, учел все ваши комментарии, и эта одна из последних работ. Буду очень благодарен за вашу конструктивную критику.

Большое спасибо.

Topic: People should be allowed to continue to work for as long as they want to, and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65.
Do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
For many elderly people the latter part of their life seems to be a gloomy period filled with loneliness. This is nowhere more evident than in the retirement period, when many of the elderly are pushed to quit their jobs. It is argued that those who are close to the pension age should be given the opportunity to choose whether to continue the work or leave on a pension, and this position will be analyzed from the economic and social aspects in the following paragraphs.

Looking first at the economic matters, it should be noted that in most of the cases, the aged employees are more skilled and mature that their younger colleagues. Thus, it is clear that more experienced employees would be much more beneficial for the company, since more product or service may be generated, or product or service would be of much better quality. Moreover, the elderly can train the youth to become more qualified specialist in their area, therefore bringing additional value.

As far as the social impact is concerned, by letting people to choose whether to retire or not, the society will provide it’s aged members with more incentives to live a full life and feel young. In fact, aging process is a stress by itself, that is to say, it should be rather scary to find out that you are 60 already, and your life is close to the end (подскажите, как здесь смотрится такое немного вольное отступление?). However, as a rule, many older individuals feel much younger and full of energy as long as they work and feel that their skills and capabilities are still in demand. By giving the decision to the elderly, we would result in much better social atmosphere in the society.

To conclude, I am convinced that the aged people should be permitted to continue carrying on their duties if they wish to. If this were a common practice, we would have a better society than ever before.

[Lavrentiy]

Уважаемые друзья,

пожалуйста, покритикуйте мое очередное эссе. Признаюсь, что очень много работал в последнее время в направлении улучшения своего письма, учел все ваши комментарии, и эта одна из последних работ. Буду очень благодарен за вашу конструктивную критику.

Большое спасибо.

.

Topic: People should be allowed to continue to work for as long as they want to, and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65.
Do you agree or disagree?

Essay:
For many elderly people the latter part of their life seems to be a gloomy period filled with loneliness. This is nowhere more evident than in the retirement period, when many of the elderly are (1) pushed to quit their jobs. It is argued that those who are close to the pension age should be given the opportunity to choose whether to continue (2) the work or (3) leave on a pension, and this position will be analyzed from (4) the economic and social aspects in the following paragraphs.

Looking first at the economic matters, it should be noted that in (5) most of the cases, (6) the aged employees are more skilled and mature that their younger colleagues. Thus, it is clear that (7) more experienced employees would be much more beneficial for the company, ( since more product or service may be generated, or product or service would be of much better quality. Moreover, the elderly can train the (9) youth to become more qualified (10) specialist in their area, therefore bringing additional value.

As far as the social impact is concerned, by letting people to choose whether to retire or not, (11) the society will provide (12) it’s aged members with more incentives to live (13) a full life and (14) feel young. In fact, (15) aging process is (16) a stress by itself, that is to say, it should be rather scary to find out that you are 60 already, (17) and your life is close to (1 the end (подскажите, как здесь смотрится такое немного вольное отступление?). However, as a rule, many older individuals feel much younger and full of energy as long as they work and feel that their skills and (19) capabilities are still in demand. By (20) giving the decision to the elderly, (21) we would result in (22) much better social atmosphere in (23) the society.

To conclude, I am convinced that the aged (24) people should be permitted to (25) continue carrying on their duties if they wish to. If this were a common practice, we (26) would have a better society than ever before.
________________________________________

(1) made ili forced? “pushed” sounds a bit colloquial next to “latter”, “gloomy” and “loneliness”.
(2) continue TO work – more natural, I think.
(3) leave on a pension – kal’ka russkogo “ujti na pensiju” = to retire
(4) zachem “the”, kogda konkretnye aspekty eschew ne upomjanuty? Kak menja uchili: Nulevoj artikl’ – abstraktno, THE – konkretno, A/AN – individual’no. Fraza “in the following paragraphs” ne dostatochno sil’na kak opredelitel’ “aspektov” v etom predlozhenii.
(5) in most cases ?
(6) zachem “the”? nuzhen’ nulevoj?
(7) a vot zdes’ pravil’no – artiklja ne nado.
( a razve stavjat zapjatuju pered “since”?
(9) the young – is better. The youth ili youths – obychno teenagers.
(10) specialists – mn. chislo.
(11) “the” pered “society”? eto abstraktnoe ponjatie.
(12) its (!!!) oshibka, kotoruju chasto dsopuskajut nositeli jazyka. “it’s” eto sokraschenie “it+is”
(13) zapjataja?
(14) society provides its members with “feel young”? Bad grammar.
(15) THE ageing process, t.k. iz vseh processov chitatel’ znaet o chem idet rech’.
(16) “stress” bez artiklja ili “stressful”: the process is stressful in/by itself
(17) ne nado zapjatoj
(1 close/coming to AN END. – eto ustojchovoe vyrazhenie. “The” pered “end”, konechno, tozhe vozmozhno, no ne zdes’.
(19) abilities (?) luchshe?
(20) leaving (?) luchshe?
(21) we will create ?
(22) artikl’ “a”
(23) smotri (11)
(24) people – lishnee. Govorjat “the aged”, kak v reklame blagotvoritel’noj kompani “Help the Aged!”
(25) taftalogija: continue = carry on! Should be permitted/allowed to carry on their duties// carry on working (?)
(26) we would have HAD a better society (?) – Hypothetical statement?

Horoshee soderzhanie. Oshibki ne serjeoznye. Budet vysokij ball, ja uvere.
Congrats!

[Lesha]

Lavrentiy, thanks a lot for all your valuable comments.

Could I kindly ask you to give more detailed comments on the following items, most of which are with regards to the articles' usage issues?

Thank you very much in anticipation of another valuable piece of information

(4) zachem “the”, kogda konkretnye aspekty eschew ne upomjanuty? Kak menja uchili: Nulevoj artikl’ – abstraktno, THE – konkretno, A/AN – individual’no. Fraza “in the following paragraphs” ne dostatochno sil’na kak opredelitel’ “aspektov” v etom predlozhenii.

I am completely confused. Previously somebody wrote that if we are talking about the definite situation (even if it is mentioned only in the topic) then it is already something definite. Here we talk about the definite aspects (social and economic) of the definite situation (no retirement).
Not for arguing, but rather to understand - is "the" required or not? Please help!

(6) zachem “the”? nuzhen’ nulevoj?

If we are talking about group of employees, who are the old ones or the aged? No article still?

(11) “the” pered “society”? eto abstraktnoe ponjatie.

Same as with (4). We know that society is something abstract, but aren't we talking about some "definite" abstract society in scope of this essay?
I will look for exact phrase in the thread, when somebody was commenting on this in the past.

(14) society provides its members with “feel young”?

Not exactly. Society provides its members with incentives to live a full life and feel young Bad collocation?

(15) THE ageing process, t.k. iz vseh processov chitatel’ znaet o chem idet rech’.

How about (4) and (11)?

(1 close/coming to AN END. – eto ustojchovoe vyrazhenie. “The” pered “end”, konechno, tozhe vozmozhno, no ne zdes’.

Yes, I also thought about this persistent sentence "come to an end". But, as I was confused with these articles issues, I wrote "the"

(21) we will create ?

Here, i wanted to express the cause/effect structure. Doesn't look nice? Please, could you advice, what should I change here to make it nicer cause/effect?

(22) artikl’ “a”

Atmosphere is an uncountable noun, isn't it?

(26) we would have HAD a better society (?) – Hypothetical statement?

Exactly. Would be second conditional if no sad misprint happened while transferring to the electronic version

[Lavrentiy]

[

Could I kindly ask you to give more detailed comments on the following items, most of which are with regards to the articles' usage issues?

Леша, спасибо за внимание к моим комментариам, которые всегда под знаком вопроса ибо далеко не ex cathedra. Но некоторые из них я всё же попытаюсь защитить.

(4) Forgive me but I thought an essay of this kind, or an answer to an ordinary exam question, is a bit of a dialogue, an answer to the question posed in the “title” – hence the question mark. Following this logic, which I think is not at all illogical, your answer starts from your first sentence in the essay i.e. the fact that the “aspects” may have been mentioned in the title will have no bearing whatsoever on your subsequent use of the articles.

However, I am well aware of the strange and rather rigid rules of the IELTS essay writing which uncannily не идyт в разрез с русской ментальностью, которой, как известно, свойственен элемент абсурда. So I have long given up on them as something my weak brain will never be able to fathom, and have limited myself strictly to grammatical comments, leaving structure, style and panache to dab hands on this Forum. Therefore – and when we put “therefore” we know what it is there for – I still believe there can be a variety of economic and social circumstances unknown to the reader who should be introduced to them with the “zero” article rather than as a thing already known to them.

(6) We don’t know the names of these employees, do we? It is just an amorphous group somewhere out there. “0”!

(11) “Society” is ALWAYS without an article! Society – in your essay – is people in general, considered in relation to the laws, organisations etc that make it possible for them to live together, e.g. “modern society”, “members of society”. There’s never an article!

(15) Equally, “the ageing process” is always with a “the” because, out of the multitude of processes, the ageing process will be familiar to every reader – everyone knows exactly what you are talking about.

(22) “Atmosphere” can be countable and uncountable depending on the context. “THE atmosphere” is the mixture of gases that surrounds the Earth. Atmosphere is also the feeling that an event or place gives you (according to The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English), as in: The hotel had a lovely relaxed atmosphere. “Social atmosphere” is a very odd thing to say in English. I mean, what does it actually mean? If you really insist I will sooner use it with a “the”, on its own, “the social atmosphere” à la “the ageing process”. However, when you introduce “better” in front, you invariably need an “a” cf. “a better society” (26).

(26) Your conditionals are a bit wonky, too. Shouldn’t it be: “Would have been the second conditional if no sad misprint had happened while transferring…” I am just being a picky sod!!!

Hope this helps.

Let me know what you think.

Cheerio!

[DrGobbels]

Question:Television is now widespread in all communities. Almost everyone has access to this medium on a daily basis. However, the effects of television are not always positive.

What are some of the negative effects of television? What can be done to minimise these bad effects?

Give reasons for your answer.

Answer:
Nowadays the most prominent kind of media is apparently television. TV audience is much broader than one for even most popular newspapers, radiostations and news sites in the Internet. That is why it is so important to be sure that TV channels always provide plausible and precise information and never misuse their influence.

Unfortunatelly, there are some troubles with it. First of all, maintaining of TV channel is a very expensive thing so only very rich people can afford this. In most cases such people has some political ambitions and interests so a TV news is often tend to be biased in favor of some politician. In democratic countries this problem might be relieved with laws which defence human’s right for the honor name. Such laws are always work in some of developed countries. But in other, less democratic countries the state becomes a censor itself, and things become worse. Actually, I don’t have realistic suggestions for this case.

Second trouble is a lot of commercial advertisment, which are fullfilled TV channels due to desire of profit of channels’ owners. The significant part of advertisment uses sophisticated psycological methods to achieve its goals, and never worries about mental condition of potential consumer. In my opinion, this situation must be controlled by the state, which should implement some restrictions on this subject.

Third trouble is probably a bad influence of TV on physical condition of human. Most of our contemporaries prefer spend an evening in front of TV rather than do some sport. I think there must be a massive propaganda company (including TV itself) to make an active style of life more popular.

Потыкайте, пожалуйста, в ошибки. И ещё: на шестёрку такого хватит или нет, как вы считаете?

[_Dreamer_]

Привет всем!
Проверьте пожалуйста мою первую попытку.
Should developing countries concentrate on improving industrial skills or should they promote educational first?

Nowedays countries has question, how to form leadership in the world. This situation violence on such an important aspects in countries’ development as education and industrial sphere. And society gives the answer on such questions, that education is the most important thing in country. It can be proved by admitting that without good level of education people will never use an industrial skills, and without a dubt, education gives us a strong platform for making researches and inventing new opportunities to make live successful and convenient. Let`s analyze both of these reasons.

Firstly, I consider, that education gives people an opportunities to use every stuff, that scientists had invent. For example, in our life computers very popular, moreover they make our life convenient, but unfortunately people without education in this sphere cannot use such hi-tech innovations. This example shows us a very strong needle for country to have an educational society and solutions must be found on governmental level.

Second reason, why knowledge so critical important, is the scientifical researches. Every country must improve its possibilities and industrials skills, and inventations help to do it quikly. We see that even industrial sphere cant be developing without educational base of scientists. Taking this into consideration we can fully understand a specific role of knowledge in forming a strong country.

In concludion I want to tell that countries must concentrate firstly on educational skills in their development. It brings them a huge opportunities for increasing social standarts. Analizing world situation and scientifical competition of countries we could see difference between poor knowlege base and powerful educational preparation. I believe that govermant will concentrate attention on such a reasonable conclution.

[_Dreamer_]

Скажите пожалуйста, слова типа a, and, the считаются? чтоб было 250?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

....

Sorry, но проверить просто практически невозможно из-за огромного количества ошибок, во всех аспектах английского языка, от грамматики и структуры предложения до правописания и пунктуации. Вам надо еще очень много работать, если хотите иметь приличную оценку.
Вот только первое предложние:

Nowedays (Sp) countries has question (у стран не может 'быть' вопрос. В любом случае, перед 'question' нужен артикль 'a'), (запятая не нужна) how to form (некорректное употребление слова 'form') leadership in the world. - и все это никакого отношения к теме задания не имеет.

Еще раз, sorry.

[_Dreamer_]

Sorry, но проверить просто практически невозможно из-за огромного количества ошибок, во всех аспектах английского языка, от грамматики и структуры предложения до правописания и пунктуации. Вам надо еще очень много работать, если хотите иметь приличную оценку.
Вот только первое предложние:

Nowedays (Sp) countries has question (у стран не может 'быть' вопрос. В любом случае, перед 'question' нужен артикль 'a'), (запятая не нужна) how to form (некорректное употребление слова 'form') leadership in the world. - и все это никакого отношения к теме задания не имеет.

Еще раз, sorry.

ок, ну както же надо учиться

[Maimiti_Isabella]

ок, ну както же надо учиться

Безусловно, надо. Но надо также читать эссе других и выбирать необходимые выражения и структуры. И пробовать их применить в своих эссе.

Просто есть стадия, когда сначала надо подтягивать английский, а потом уже заниматься IELTS. Мне кажется, что Вы именно на этой стадии.

А проверить действительно невозможно: надо переписывать. Не обижайтесь, хорошо?

[DrGobbels]

Хм... До Дримера было ещё одно эссе, моё. Его пропустили по той же причине?