My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[belochkka]

Dear, Mrs. Stephenson!
Запятая не ставится после dear. Запятая в любом письме ставится после обращения, т.е.
Dear Mrs. Stephenson,


Best regards, it’s been a long time since we saw each other.
Best regards - стандартный способ закончить письмо ( и только его закончить!)

I don't know whether or not you remember me, since it has been a long time since we last saw each other; I was in your class in 1997 (потому что вы должны напомнить преподавателю, кто вы, по логике просьбы о рекомендательном письме).

I graduated from the Finance Academy (с большой буквы. Названия по-английски пишутся все слова - с больших букв, кроме предлогов и вспомогательных, типа to, and, at,of) in 2008.

After that I was working last year.
По-русски вы хотите сказать "После этого я весь прошлый год работала". По-английски так сказать нельзя, фразу по-другому надо построить
After that, I spent a year working as an accountant, but now I'd like to apply for a new job.

I’m interested in the position of financial analyst in the Department of Corporate Finance.

Would you be willing to write a letter of reference that would provide information about my abilities?
Опять же, культурный вопрос: вы должны ask референс, а не априори знать, что ее вам напишут. Т.е. "Я буду благодарна если вы напишете" слишком "жесткая" формулировка.

I have a degree in “Finance and Credit”; my professional interests include research into methods of corporate finance.

The job for which I'm applying will require me to collect and analyze financial data. (вы это хотели сказать?)

I think I’ll be able to meet all requirements and steadily improve myself.
I think I meet all the necessary requirements for the job, and I believe I'll be able to steadily improve myself.


In my opinion I suppose that this letter of reference should characterize me as a true professional who has all qualities needed for this position. For example, that I possess good organizational and planning skills and ability to work under time pressure. Besides I’m attentive to the details. And I can work in a team.


Тааак. Под "Suggest what information the teacher should include." в нормальных странах подразумевается не "скажите мне, что о вас хорошего написать" (потому что это жульничество и наглость, рекомендуемый не должен знать, что о нем пишет рекомендатель ВООБЩЕ), а "напишите мне, что я про вас должна написать", например:
I'd be very grateful if in your letter you could comment on: whether or not, in your opinion, I qualify for such a job; my organizational and planning skills; my abilities to work as part of a team.


I will await your reply.
Yours sincerely, Natalia.

Стандартное заключение для любого письма-просьбы, даже если вы еще 30 вещей в нем обсуждали
Thank you in advance,
Natalia
*обратите внимание на пунктуацию подписи*
______________________

research(es) - research не бывает множественного числа!!!
Удачи!

[Alexander Usov]

Please, could you see this essay

The average British child between the age of 4 and 15 watches more than 20 hour of television a week. Studies show she/he only spend 7 hour per week on physical exercise.
How does this compare with the situation in your country? How can parents make sure children get enough exercise.

I think that the question about how long children watch TV and do exercises is very topical for practically every family. Nowadays teenagers from UK spend a lot of time watching TV and moreover they don't like doing physical exercises and outdoor games such as football, volleyball or rugby and so on. As a result, compared with what teenagers' health was in the past, they health today is much worse. In this essay I will analyze these points of view and present my opinion about these problems in Russia and ways how parents can encourage their children to take exercises.

These days, there are a lot of children in Russia who prefer watching TV programs to outdoor activities and meeting with friends. According to recent statistic report teenagers in Russia spend more than 25 hour per week in front of blue screens. Scientists say, that huge number of TV channels and diversity of TV programs worsen the situation. So, there is no doubt that it is a very serious issue for our country because children's health have become worse.

However, it is obvious that parents are responsible for physical upbringing of their sons and daughters so they should explain the importance of a sport in children's life. The most important aspect of it is the fact that parents should teach their children through their own experience. Take for example the fact that the most effective method to encourage children for doing exercises is when a mother and a father go jogging together with their children in the morning. As a result children will do exercises with pleasure. In addition, parents can enroll their children in a sport class such as swimming, tennis or karate. In this case, children have great opportunities to make friends there and finally they will prefer being with friends to watching TV at home.

Taking into account all mentioned above I firmly believe that parents play essential role in physical upbringing of children. The more our children will be healthy the more our society will prosper.

[Happiko]

Hi Alexander,
Since my Russian is not good enough to explain, I prefer writing here in English.
First of all, your English is not bad and you have a rich English vocabulary. What you need is to try to make simpler sentences and clearly deliver the topic.
For instance, the question asks you two main points. One is comparison of British child with Russian child and the second one is what parents can do to make children to do physical exercise. However, you essay doesn't clearly answer those questions. So please try to rewrite your essay and try to avoid forming long sentences like “I think that the question about how long children watch TV and do exercises is very topical for practically every family.”…. if you are wanting to get IELTS 8 then you need more practices. I`ll be back here to read your revised essay. Don't give up! Good luck!

[natalya_ielts]

belochkka, спасибо за разбор моего письма. это первое мое письмо. надеюсь в дальнейшем учесть все Ваши замечания.

[natalya_ielts]

посмотрите, пожалуйста, еще одно эссе.

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


After finishing school young boys and girls should choose their further way. The most significant choice is to determine what profession you want to be devoted yourself. Therefore, you need to understand your interests very good. Parents and teachers could help do it when children had been studied at school yet. But if person doesn’t decide what the area he wants to improve himself, he can spent one year to work or travel.

There are some advantages when people work or travel. Firstly, they can get some practical experience and decide whether such job is suitable for them or not. Secondly, traveling around the world people can see new sights and countries and possibly decide to continue their education in foreign country. Thirdly, they will not regret about made choice in the future because they would have some opportunities for making better decision.

However, there are also some disadvantages. If people begin educate later, they will graduate from the university later. So, they will start to work later than persons of their same age. But there is always room for improvement and it is better when people improve themselves for life. Studying has never been late. On the other hand, it needs money to travel and so young people have to earn it. As they are not high-qualified, the wage is not high also.

Thus, there are some advantages and disadvantages for young girls and boys when they decide to spent a year to work or travel after finishing high school.

[Ice Cream]

Я очень благодарна за предыдущую проверку и хотелось бы услышать ваше мнение еще раз. Спасибо.

Dear Ann,

I hope you and your family are fine.

Well, I’ll try to give you an advise about a film or a book which can be helpful for learning Russian . I think you should find a lot of time for this. Every film can be useful for understanding Russian speech. If you want to know more about history and culture of Russia you should watch the same TV program as “The Russian Museum”.

But I believe serials are the best thing for understanding the modern culture, Russian humor and temperament. In Russia there are a lot of films. You can choose everything you’d like. For example, “Love and the pigeon” tells you about the life of our grandparents. ‘The brother” is the film about the 90s and “University” is about modern teens.

Anyway, I hope my advises will be helpful for you.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Lots of love,
Marina.

[Alexander Usov]

Hi Alexander,
Since my Russian is not good enough to explain, I prefer writing here in English.
First of all, your English is not bad and you have a rich English vocabulary. What you need is to try to make simpler sentences and clearly deliver the topic.
For instance, the question asks you two main points. One is comparison of British child with Russian child and the second one is what parents can do to make children to do physical exercise. However, you essay doesn't clearly answer those questions. So please try to rewrite your essay and try to avoid forming long sentences like “I think that the question about how long children watch TV and do exercises is very topical for practically every family.”…. if you are wanting to get IELTS 8 then you need more practices. I`ll be back here to read your revised essay. Don't give up! Good luck!

My new version of essay

Topic: The average British child between the age of 4 and 15 watches more than 20 hour of television a week. Studies show she/he only spend 7 hour per week on physical exercise.
How does this compare with the situation in your country? How can parents make sure children get enough exercise.


These days children in Britain spend a lot of time watching TV. At the same time they don’t like doing physical exercises. In Russia these problems are very topical as well. In this essay I will compare watching TV by children in both countries and analyze how parents could encourage children doing exercises.

There is no doubt, that children in Russia watch TV no less than in Britain. Despite the fact, that there is not statistic data about it I presume that Russian children spend about 3 hours per day in front of blue screens. For example, I used to watch TV about one hour in the morning and two hour in the evening when I was a child. Another challenging issue is the fact that compared a Russian pupil with a British pupil , child from my country spend only 2 hours per week for doing physical exercises. Actually this problem is connected with the fact that the school program in Russia consists of only two physical training classes per week. Thus, it is clear that situation in Russia is worse than in Britain.

However, it is believed that parents are responsible for children’s attitude to physical exercises and sport. I have recently read an article in one of the magazines where scientists said that in order to be healthy a child should spend 6 hours per week for doing exercises. Thus, it is a good idea for parents to do morning exercises together with their children. In addition, parents could go jogging with children in evenings. The most important thing is that children should like doing exercises and parents do play essential role in this matter. After analyzing these facts, it is clear why parents should involve children in sport.

Taking into account everything mentioned above I am inclined to believe that children in Russia waste a lot of time watching TV and their health suffer from low physical activities. However, if parents encourage children doing exercises at early age our society will benefit.

[Happiko]

Hi Alexander,
Molodets! Good job! I can feel you tried to write better essay.
Here`s my suggestions. Actually, you have not so many grammar mistakes. Your grammar is pretty good. However, you still need to learn delivering the topic. If you write this kind of essay I am sure you`ll get IELTS 7 or 7.5 but not 8
Let`s move on your discussion about the question.
At the same time they don’t like doing physical exercises.- why you think they don't like? May be the weather in Britain might not allow them to do outdoor sports , so they spent a lot of time on indoor activities like watching TV, playing games or internet surveying etc and also doing indoor sports might be expensive than watching TV? Don't you agree? So be careful, because IELTS 8 will be given to those who make proper or clear statement.

In Russia these problems are very topical as well- here you don't open what is the problem? You say these problems?? But a person who is reading your essay without seeing the question wont understand what is the problem? IELTS makers will read only your answer not their question.
If you want to say “these problems”, then you`d better add a sentence like. I believe watching TV without doing any physical activities is a problem. Because if we want a healthy child then we should encourage them to do exercises etc…….

-analyze how parents could encourage children doing exercises.- I am not sure you can use a word “ analyze” because your answer for the second question didn't really analyze … the verb “ analyze” would be used if you have some experimental data and you wanted to discuss about it then the verb “ analyze” is a good choice… so please try to put different verb here. Or you may change to “ I would like to talk about the role of parents in children`s physical activity” or similar to this.

There is no doubt, that children in Russia watch TV no less than in Britain.- here it would be more correct if “There is no doubt that children in Russia watch TV no less than children in Britain”. NO comma after doubt and “children” should be there. However, I don't like this sentence. There is too much “no” . Sorry….


-Despite the fact, that there is not statistic data about it I presume that Russian children spend about 3 hours per day in front of blue screens. For example, I used to watch TV about one hour in the morning and two hour in the evening when I was a child.- Ok, here I think you shouldn't say like about “3 hours per week “ and give yourself as an example. Because you are only one and there are many other Russian children. So don't forget putting a word “average” before Russian children. And when you say “For example” give not only your example but try to discuss about your friend`s situation too and may be your relative`s children or neighbor’s children. By discussing this you can make average and your essay would be broader.

-Actually this problem is connected with the fact that the school program in Russia consists of only two physical training classes per week.- here you don't need to use again a word “ fact” by doing this you show them that you have limited vocabulary therefore try to avoid reusing the same word again and again…. So this sentence would be like “This is because the school program in Russia consists of only two physical training classes per week.” A person who is reading your essay would think that Russian children do physical exercises only at school but in fact it is not true!!!!! Because there are some sports clubs like basketball, volleyball, football, tennis or figure skating etc which can be also physical exercises or activities. However, you make a conclusion “two hours per week” from only school program… if you are not sure about specific data then please avoid giving to them numbers and instead use words “average” or “approximately “or “I assume” or similar to this.

-I have recently read an article in one of the magazines where scientists said that in order to be healthy a child should spend 6 hours per week for doing exercises.- here I think this sentence should be in the beginning of your essay. For instance when you talk about problems…and another hint, please try to use numbers as an word instead of like “ 6” write down as “six” . Because who knows may be you might not be able to spell them.
And - one of the magazines- make it more shorter like “ in a magazine”

I think in your previous essay you had like “ In addition, parents can enroll their children in a sport class such as swimming, tennis or karate.”
And for some reason you deleted it. But this is very good sentence. and this way is the most vital thing in encouraging children to do sports. You discuss only joggings in the evening or morning so the whole paragraph is only about doing exercises together. What happens if parents are too busy to do exercises??? May be parents can buy them tickets to some football, tennis or basketball games or championships instead of giving them money to the movie. Or may be parents can buy sport related goods like t-shirts, bags, hats or shoes. They all would encourage children`s interest to sports. May be parents should spend more time in nature with their children during weekends by hiking mountains, skiing, swimming or riding horses etc. So you`d better add more spices into your essay, especially to the last part. By that way you would show them how broad your mind is and how better you construct an essay.

Hope you didn't bored to read the long letter. But you have done good job and keep improving.
Good luck!

[Alexander Usov]

To Happiko. Thanks a lot. Your corrections are very important. Good luck!

[Alexander Usov]

Это 2 письма на проверку. Спасибо.

Topic: You have a pen friend living in another country and he/she is curious to know about the major news items in your country.
Briefly describe one news story that has been on TV, on the radio, on in the newspaper in your country and explain why people are interested in it.

Dear John,
Hi! How are you? I hope everything is fine. Thanks a lot for your letter. It was nice to hear from you. I am sorry that I haven’t written you for considerable time but I have been extremely busy. Anyway, I thought I’d drop you a line to answer on your question about current affairs in my country.

You know, I’ve recently read an article in a magazine about the epidemic of flu in Russia. It is obvious that flu is really very topical issue today. Scientists say that new forms of flu such as swing and bird flu are been spreading among people. Fortunately, we haven’t such forms of flu in Irkutsk because an average temperature is minus 20C in Eastern Siberia. Another important aspect of this is the fact that it is difficult to purchase drugs against flu because demand is exceeding supply. So it is clear why this problem is very popular these days.

Anyway, I must go and getting on with my work. Once again, thanks for your letter. Please write me again by the address above or give me a ring on 8(1111)111-111. I look forward to hearing from you.

With my best wishes for today and every day.
Alex.

Topic: You are a member of an organization which meets regularly at a particular restaurant. The most recent meal you had there was not satisfactory, and you were very disappointed with the quality of the food and the behavior of the staff.

Write a letter to a manager of the restaurant. Explain what was wrong with meal and service and suggest what he/she should do to ensure that you and your group return to the restaurant.

Dear Sir/Madam
I am writing to express my strong dissatisfaction with service at your restaurant. We are members of the English club “Good day” and visit your restaurant for our meeting every Saturday at 7 p.m.

We were always satisfied with quality of food and drinks at the restaurant before. However, on the 15 of November we ordered five bottles of bear “Read Bull” and bear was extremely old. I don’t believe that the quality of such well-known product can be so awful. Another problem which we faced with was the fact that the waitress who is called Andrey was too rude. For instance, when we asked to replace drinks he refused to do.

The best solution for me would be refund 50% of our order. Also I would like to suggest to include a vegetarian menu because one of members of our club is a vegetarian. Please contact me by the address above or by the phone number 8(111)333-222. I lоok forward to hearing from your as soon as possible.

Your faithfully
Alexander

[kyp]

Сильно не вчитывался но сразу бросается в глаза:
1.waitress who is called Andrey = официантка Андрей круто официант = waiter
2.on the 15th of November
3.restaurant for our meetingS every
4.new forms of flu such as swing(swine наверно) and bird flu
5.temperature is minus 20C - наверно лучше 20C below zero
6.or give me a ring on= дайте мне кольцо на (как буд-то разговор в тёином переулке) обычно просто говорят phone me or call me
7. I thought I’d drop you a line to answer on your question about current affairs in my country. совсем не понял почему ты думал что напишешь если сейчас пишешь, короче фигня с временами по моему
8.
YourS faithfully
Alexander
9. I must go and getting on with my work.- совсем русизм. лучше как то по другому сказать. ну must точно не юзать т.к. угрозы жизни нету
ЗЫ: Ни на что не претендую, так мимо проходил

[Sade]

всем привет!
проверьте, плиз, мое первое письменное творение - письмо-жалоба.
Потратила 1 час - ужООс

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with the food processor that I purchased in your store on 20/10/2009, just 5 days ago.

After only two times that I used it, the "Stop" button broken off. I used it to cook apple juice for my children and could not turn it off with "Stop" button. I had to unplug the food processor. Then I decided to check one more time and got the same result. I was very surprised to see that such expensive model could have that problem.

I contacted your store immediately in order to replace the food processor with new one and spoke to the shift manager. He said that I would have to wait only one week. After two weeks the new food processor had still not arrived and I had not recieve any additional information from your store.

I insist that you replace the damaged food processor and send me a new one within the nearest week. Otherwise I expect a full return of 200 dollars as soon as possible.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. X.

[ItGirl]

Fortunately, we haven’t such forms of flu in Irkutsk because an average temperature is minus 20C in Eastern Siberia.

У меня сразу возник вопрос "почему?", почему если минус 20С, то нет таких вирусов? Наверное, стоит объяснить в следующем предложении? А то незаконченная мысль, линка нет...

[kyp]

всем привет!
проверьте, плиз, мое первое письменное творение - письмо-жалоба.
Потратила 1 час - ужООс

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with the food processor that I purchased in your store on 20/10/2009, just 5 days ago.

After only two times that I used it, the "Stop" button broken off. I used it to cook apple juice for my children and could not turn it off with "Stop" button. I had to unplug the food processor. Then I decided to check one more time and got the same result. I was very surprised to see that such expensive model could have that problem.

I contacted your store immediately in order to replace the food processor with new one and spoke to the shift manager. He said that I would have to wait only one week. After two weeks the new food processor had still not arrived and I had not recieve any additional information from your store.

I insist that you replace the damaged food processor and send me a new one within the nearest week. Otherwise I expect a full return of 200 dollars as soon as possible.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,
Mr. X.

1. the "Stop" button broken off - всё таки broken down как минимум. Потму что если б она действительно отвалилась вы бы не смогли повторить после unplag'a
2. I expect a full return of 200 dollars - наверно лучше I want you to refund full cost of или the full cost of food processor should be refunded ну или что то такое....

[natalya_ielts]

мое эссе оставили без внимания, посмотрите, плиз, хотя бы краем глаза.

посмотрите, пожалуйста, еще одно эссе.

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


After finishing school young boys and girls should choose their further way. The most significant choice is to determine what profession you want to be devoted yourself. Therefore, you need to understand your interests very good. Parents and teachers could help do it when children had been studied at school yet. But if person doesn’t decide what the area he wants to improve himself, he can spent one year to work or travel.

There are some advantages when people work or travel. Firstly, they can get some practical experience and decide whether such job is suitable for them or not. Secondly, traveling around the world people can see new sights and countries and possibly decide to continue their education in foreign country. Thirdly, they will not regret about made choice in the future because they would have some opportunities for making better decision.

However, there are also some disadvantages. If people begin educate later, they will graduate from the university later. So, they will start to work later than persons of their same age. But there is always room for improvement and it is better when people improve themselves for life. Studying has never been late. On the other hand, it needs money to travel and so young people have to earn it. As they are not high-qualified, the wage is not high also.

Thus, there are some advantages and disadvantages for young girls and boys when they decide to spent a year to work or travel after finishing high school.