My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[VOlya]

help + to prepare/prepare
You're right as far as modern British (not American!) English is concerned but to be on safer side - If I were you (traditional grammar)

или Were I you

[Maimiti_Isabella]

или Were I you

Это очень грубо

[VOlya]

Это очень грубо

спасибо огромное, я не знала...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Укажите, пожалуйста, ошибки. .

самая главная проблема - Вы пишите русское сочинение, а не английское эссе. Эссе должно отвечать на вопрос, а не 'размазываться по тарелке'. В эссе каждый новый абзац - 'маленькое' эссе, т.е. topic sentence - explanation - example

В Introduction необходимо сделать именно это - introduce. Т.е. сказать о чем и как Вы будете говорить. А то Вас просят написать об effects, a Вы пишите - для чего используются.

Вы понимаете о чем я?

Если Вы не научитесь писать эссе (не путать с сочинениями), то больше 6-ки Вам не видать. А для 6-ки надо целиться на 7-ку, на всякий случай. И хороший английский не поможет.

Возьмите эту же тему и напишите план эссе для начала.

[Bjarny]

Спасибо за замечания.
Перечитал ещё раз своё собственное тварьчество и, знаете, соглашусь: действительно есть ощущение, что немного промазал по теме.

Попробую, в самом деле, скорректировать и представить план:

1. Introduction. Computers can influence on human's nature, chiefly in positive way.
2. Para1: computers can make us a bit happier due to wide range of entertainment provided with them.
3. Para2: computers via the Internet can make our points of view broader and more balanced.
4. Para3: On the other hand, overuse of computer might be unhealthy. Be careful.
5. Conclusion: Computers are good - they make people happier and more educated. Just don't ignore sport.

Т.е. каждый абзац следовало бы начинать с предложения, близкого по смыслу к пункту плана, правильно я вас понимаю?
И ещё - examples обязательны? Если например через запятую перечислить игрушки или новостные сайты - это разве не будет минусом, из-за очень простого предложения?

[VOlya]

Спасибо за замечания.
Перечитал ещё раз своё собственное тварьчество и, знаете, соглашусь: действительно есть ощущение, что немного промазал по теме.

Попробую, в самом деле, скорректировать и представить план:

1. Introduction. Computers can influence on human's nature, chiefly in positive way.
2. Para1: computers can make us a bit happier due to wide range of entertainment provided with them.
3. Para2: computers via the Internet can make our points of view broader and more balanced.
4. Para3: On the other hand, overuse of computer might be unhealthy. Be careful.
5. Conclusion: Computers are good - they make people happier and more educated. Just don't ignore sport.

Т.е. каждый абзац следовало бы начинать с предложения, близкого по смыслу к пункту плана, правильно я вас понимаю?
И ещё - examples обязательны? Если например через запятую перечислить игрушки или новостные сайты - это разве не будет минусом, из-за очень простого предложения?

каждый абзац- это как мини эссе, в нем тоже 1 предложение -ввод, потом 2-3-4 поддержка и 4-5 заключение

Достаточно 4 абзатца, но если будет 4.) то это в +. У меня обычно на него места на листе и времени не хватает, и конечно, я выхожу за 250 слов, получается под 300.
Examples важен, например: каждый день я посещаю сайт такой-то где получаю информацию о состоянии дел в эномике, акциях, погоде и so on. Это очень важно для меня, потому что я (торгую акциями )....
т.е мало указать пример, лучше развить его...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо за замечания.
Перечитал ещё раз своё собственное тварьчество и, знаете, соглашусь: действительно есть ощущение, что немного промазал по теме.

Попробую, в самом деле, скорректировать и представить план:

1. Introduction. Computers can influence on human's nature, chiefly in positive way.

Недостаточно. В задании есть еще 2 предложения, которые подразумевают одно предложение во вступлении либо с Present Perfect, либо comparison.
Some time ago people didn't have computers. Now they do.

Just don't ignore sport.

health and fitness issues

Теперь - новое эссе на эту же тему, please

PS Нет необходимости приводить примеры из собственной жизни в данном эссе: Вас об этом не просят.

[Bjarny]

Попробовал учесть ваши замечания:

Nowadays personal computer is much more common thing than it used to be. Moreover, it will not be an exaggeration if I say that for some people it is s became a real center of life, some kind of resort or even asylum. But, in my opinion, it is ok. Certainly PC do influence both on human nature and society, but chiefly in positive ways.

First of all, home computer can make its owner slightly happier with providing a wide range of entertainment. It might be used as DVD player, audio player, recorder of almost any kind of information or any other media staff. Moreover, there is a specific sort of entertainment, which can be provided with PC only – I mean PC games. These games have been becoming more and more sophisticated from year to year so now most of modern games allow player effectively unlimited opportunities to explore game world and fitches of the rules. In my opinion, it’s one of the most exciting ways to spend your free time that have ever been designed.

Another point is an educational and informational valueness of PC due to another, perhaps even more prominent, application of it. I mean visiting Internet. There are two major points should be mentioned here: the person who daily uses Internet in most cases have a broad range of friends on pen throughout the world, and it is pretty easy to keep in touch with them. The second point is that collecting news and other information from the Web (especially the foreign news sites) is probably shortest and most reliable way to make your point of view broader and more balanced.

On other hand, people who have PC at home certainly tend to be in worse physical condition than their PC-less neighbours. Certainly, If you are planning to get a PC, you should schedule to do some sport as well.

To sum up, in my opinion it is a very positive thread that PC become a common thing. It might make you more tolerant, better educated and perhaps a bite happier due to different entertainment. You just should take care of your fitness also.

Правильно ли я вас понял?
(ЗЫ: значительная часть предложений, "мясо" абзацев оставлена без изменений - это вовсе не от пренебрежения к задаче, а в значительной степени из желания минимизировать время, необходимое на проверку)

[Alexizzz]

Ваше эссе довольно сложно оценить, поэтому я написал своё на ту же тему, использовав в основном ваши идеи. Не для того, чтобы принизить, а чтобы дать пример хорошего на мой взгляд эссе (с претензией на 7 баллов)

Some time ago people didn`t have computers. Now they do. What are the effects of computers in people’s daily life.
Give your reasons.

These days it is almost impossible to imagine our life without computes. They influence many aspects of day-to-day being of every person not only at work but at spare time also. However, this development has as positive as negative aspects.

First of all, computers help to solve many routine problems such as accounting or collection and processing of information. Modern information systems developed to help governments and organizations to maintain their businesses. Many people use computers at work implementing their working responsibilities and without these systems their work would be unbearably difficult.

Secondly, computers have changed our ways of communication. Using the Internet people can speak or chat with others from another country or continent. These ways of communication have become affordable for everyone recently.

Thirdly, using of computers changed our perception of entertainment. Nowadays we do not have to go to the cinema to view a new film, but can download it from the Net and spend time at home. By this we will safe considerable amount of money and will not contribute in creation of traffic jams.

On the other hand, overuse of computers can have negative effects. It has been shown that people today are meeting in the flesh mush less than they used to be decades ago. In my opinion, excess of using computers have lead to the fact that people are losing the feeling of community.

Furthermore, many children today are obsessed with computer games and spend too much time playing instead of doing sports. If they spent more time doing outdoor activities they would not have different health problems such as obesity.

To sum up, the expansion of computers in our lives is generally positive as far as we do not spend too much time with them.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

..

ОК. Это моя последняя проверка Ваших эссе. Вам надо просто читать примеры других и набить руку. Помните, эссе is quite a formal writing and any kind of colloquailisms are not appropriate.
Я думаю, что на 6 'тянет', но Вас может и сбить с толку , судя по стилю. Так что - пишите, пишите и еще раз пишите . Надеюсь, кто нибудь сможет проверить.
(http://www.gday.ru/forum/members/mai...-80/448-essay/)

[Alexander Usov]

Прошу проверить эссе.

Tourism is becoming increasingly important as a source of revenue to many countries but its disadvantages should not be overlooked.

Today many countries make enormous money on tourist industry. Despite a lot of benefits of development of tourism there are many negative sides as well. In this essay I will analyze disadvantages of tourism and present my point of view.

First of all, in spite of tourism industry brings huge profit for a country there is a danger of degradation in others areas of the economics. For example, if people have an opportunity to earn more money in a tourism sphere they will prefer to leave their work such as teaching or agriculture. As a result very important spheres of economics will be decline and a country will depend on tourists from others countries.

Another important aspect of this is the fact that tourists can cause very serious environmental damage. For instance, the more tourists will arrive to a country the more cars will be used and finally the more petrol will be consumed. It is obvious that this situation can be very dangerous for environment. In addition to it some tourists can leave a lot of waste near their camps and it is an issue as well.
Thirdly, it is well-known fact that tourism can assist to spread very dangerous disease such as malaria. So people should know the places which they are going to visit in advance and do vaccination.

To sum up, I personally believe that disadvantages of tourism should take into account. In my opinion only harmonious development of different areas of economics will give the best results for a society.

[BinNa]

И мое на ту же темку очень прошу проверить (на 7-ку тянет, нет?)

Tourism is becoming increasingly important as a source of revenue to many countries but its disadvantages should not be overlooked.

It is a well known fact that a tourist industry plays a considerable role in the development of a country`s economy by means of additional funds received from tourists and spent on the country`s infrastructure, social welfare of its citizens and various investment purposes. However, while enjoying with the benefits of massive tourism, its negative effects should not be neglected.

Most economists point out the following factors to be the main consequences of massive tourism.

First of all, steady increase in the flow of visitors cause environmental problems which tourist-oriented infrastructure leads to. For example, increased number of operating passenger transport pollutes the air. Moreover, most tourists due to the short period of their journey do not care about the beauty of the country they visit and can throw rubbish right on the ground or into the rivers and seas.

Second problem caused by massive tourism concerns increased level of criminal activity in the country. This situation might be connected with the fact that in unstable times we are living in large gatherings of people often attract terrorists.

Finally, the popularity of the country causes some individuals who want to migrate to the country, but find it difficult to satisfy all the requirements, to cross the border as a tourist and then stay illegally. This often results in high rates of unemployment among them, and, as a consequence, rise in criminal activity.

In conclusion I would like to emphasize that tourism, no matter how wide it is being propaganded, causes negative influence that the government should definitely take into account planning the policy of a country.

[Alexizzz]

Прошу проверить эссе.

Tourism is becoming increasingly important as a source of revenue to many countries but its disadvantages should not be overlooked.

Today many countries make enormous money on tourist industry. Despite a lot of benefits of development of tourism there are many negative sides as well. In this essay I will analyze disadvantages of tourism and present my point of view.

First of all, in spite of(1) tourism industry brings huge profit for a country there is a danger of degradation in others areas of the economics (2). For example, if people have an opportunity to earn more money in a tourism sphere(3) they will prefer to leave their work such as teaching or agriculture. As a result(3) very important spheres of economics(2) will be decline(4) and a country will depend on tourists from others countries.

Another important aspect of this is the fact that tourists can cause very serious environmental damage. For instance, the more tourists will arrive to a country the more cars will be used and finally the more petrol will be consumed. It is obvious that this situation can be very dangerous for environment. In addition to it(5) some tourists can leave a lot of waste near their camps and it is an issue as well.

Thirdly, it is (6) well-known fact that tourism can assist to spread(7) very dangerous disease( such as malaria. So people should know the places which they are going to visit in advance and do vaccination(9).

To sum up, I personally believe that disadvantages of tourism should take(10) into account. In my opinion only harmonious development of different areas of economics will give the best results for a society.

ИМХО только мелкие ошибки в числе, пунктуации и пассиве:

1. Despite the fact that
2. economy ?
3. , - надо
4. declined
5. In addition to it -> In addition,
6. a
7. to spread -> in spreading ?
8. diseases
9. vaccinations
10. should be taken

[Alexizzz]

И мое на ту же темку очень прошу проверить (на 7-ку тянет, нет?)

Tourism is becoming increasingly important as a source of revenue to many countries but its disadvantages should not be overlooked.

It is a well known fact that a tourist industry plays a considerable role in the development of a country`s economy by means of additional funds received from tourists and spent on the country`s infrastructure, social welfare of its citizens and various investment purposes. However, while enjoying with the benefits of massive tourism, its negative effects should not be neglected.

Most economists point out the following factors to be the main consequences of massive tourism.

First of all, steady increase in the flow of visitors causes(?) environmental problems which tourist-oriented infrastructure leads to. For example, increased number of operating passenger transport(?) pollutes the(?) air. Moreover, most tourists due to the short period of their journey do not care about the beauty of the country they visit and can throw rubbish right on the ground or into the(?) rivers and seas.

The second problem caused by the massive tourism concerns increased level of criminal activity in the country. This situation might be connected with the fact that in unstable times we are living in large gatherings of people that(?) often attract terrorists.

Finally, the popularity of the country causes some individuals who want to migrate to the country, but find(found) it difficult to satisfy all the requirements, to cross the border as a tourist and then stay illegally. This often results in high rates of unemployment among them, and, as a consequence, rise in criminal activity.

In conclusion I would like to emphasize that tourism, no matter how wide it is being propaganded, causes negative influence that the government should definitely take into account planning the policy of a country.

"И мое на ту же темку очень прошу проверить (на 7-ку тянет, нет?)"
Возможно. Точно вам никто не скажет .
На мой взгляд, следующие недочеты:
1. 2-ой параграф как-то не в тему. Это должно было быть в Intro
2. 4-й параграф несколько странный, нелогичный.
2. Артикли (или их отсутствие) вызывают вопросы.
- the rivers and seas -> rivers and seas
- pollutes the air -> causes air pollution - better?
3. ИМХО недостаточно разнообразие грамматических форм:
- большинство предложений - в present simple
- нет conditionals

[Maimiti_Isabella]

И мое на ту же темку очень прошу проверить (на 7-ку тянет, нет?)

При прочих равных условиях, тянет .

Из недостатков:
слово cause в различных формах употреблено 4 раза.
русское слово 'пропагандировать' никак не соответствует английскому propaganded. Вам нужно promoted
Наблюдаются некоторые проблемы с запятыми и артиклями.

Из положительных моментов - очень хорошее и сложное построение предложений, на уровне nominalisation - это уже серьезный уровень владения языком.
Практически нет ошибок в построении предложений и грамматике.
Одно и 'ярких' исключений -This situation might be connected....
Кстати connected ->linked or relevant (better options)

Хотелось бы видеть чуть-чуть побольше модальности в любом виде, особенно это 'просится' в этом предложении:
First of all, steady increase in the flow of visitors might/ can/could/will certainly, etc cause environmental problems