My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Ulya]

Пришла моя очередь просить о помощи в проверке.
Недавна начала готовиться к формату экзамена.

Пожалуйста, если есть возможность, покритикуйте моё творение и дайте советов.

Задание взято из одной из книг по подготовке к IELTS.

You recently visited a place that had a strong impact on you.
Write a letter to a friend about the place. In your letter
explain where the place was and how you got there,
describe what you saw,
offer to take your friend there.

Dear Lisa,
How are you? How are things going? I hope everything is fine.
I must tell you about a new shopping moll I have visited. It is situated near the Central train station. I was there last week with my colleague. We got there by chance since we was near by at that day for business.
It is a new shopping moll with a lot of different boutiques. It is a really huge and built in a modern style. There are many places in the moll for eating out as well. Moreover, there is a skating-rink on the last floor. To tell you the truth, I highly impressed by the moll.
Why don't we go shopping this weekend there? We can buy New Year Gifts for all relatives and friends and visit a lovely restaurant for a good meal and evening.
I hope you will write me back soon.
If you have some questions about the moll and my suggestion please phone me.
Beat regards,
Ulya

Слов - 168.

[lx]

Пришла моя очередь просить о помощи в проверке.
Недавна начала готовиться к формату экзамена.

Пожалуйста, если есть возможность, покритикуйте моё творение и дайте советов.

Задание взято из одной из книг по подготовке к IELTS.

You recently visited a place that had a strong impact on you.
Write a letter to a friend about the place. In your letter
explain where the place was and how you got there,
describe what you saw,
offer to take your friend there.

Dear Lisa,
How are you? How are things going? I hope everything is fine.
I must tell you about a new shopping moll (mall) I have visited. It is situated (located?) near the Central train station. I was there last week with my colleague. We got there by chance since we was near by at (on?) that day for business.
It is a new shopping moll (mall) with a lot of different boutiques. It is a (не нужно?) really huge and built in a modern style. There are many places in the moll for eating out as well. Moreover, there is a skating-rink on the last floor. To tell you the truth, I am (?) highly impressed by the moll.
Why don't we go shopping this weekend there? We can buy New Year Gifts for all relatives and friends and visit a lovely restaurant for a good meal and evening.
I hope you will write me back soon.
If you have some questions about the moll and my suggestion please phone me.
Beat regards,
Ulya

Слов - 168.

Неплохо! Думаю: 5.5-6.
Все замечания - "имхейшее имхо"
Удачи!

[Ulya]

Неплохо! Думаю: 5.5-6.
Все замечания - "имхейшее имхо"
Удачи!

Спасибо, буду стараться!
Мне нужно 6 баллов.

Пока писала, нашла еще несколько ошибок у себя...(

[Lavrentiy]

You recently visited a place that had a strong impact on you.
Write a letter to a friend about the place. In your letter
explain where the place was and how you got there,
describe what you saw,
offer to take your friend there.

Dear Lisa,
How are you? How are things going? I hope everything is fine.
I must tell you about a new shopping moll I have visited. It is situated near the Central train station. I was there last week with my colleague. We got there by chance since we (1) was (2) near by (3) at that day (4) for business.
It is a new (5) shopping moll with a lot of different boutiques. It is (6) a really huge and built in a modern style. There are many places in the moll for eating out as well. Moreover, there is a (7) skating-rink on ( the last floor. To tell you the truth, (9) I highly impressed by the moll.
Why don't we go shopping this weekend there? We can buy New Year Gifts for all relatives and friends and visit a (10) lovely restaurant for a good meal and evening.
I hope you will (11) write me back soon.
(12) If you have (13) some questions about the moll and my (14) suggestion please (15) phone me.
(16) Beat regards,
Ulya

Слов - 168.

(1) were
(2) nearby
(3) “at” ne nado
(4) ON business = po rabote
(5) shopping mall – amerikanizm. Po-anglijski: “shopping centre”
(6) “a” ne nado
(7) “-“ ne nado: skating rink
( na POSLEDNEM etazhe? Tak dazhe po-russki ne skazhesh’! Ground floor? Top floor?
(9) I AM highly impressed
(10) A vot “LOVELY restaurant” v Amerike ne govorjat. Eto chisto po-britanski. Opredelites’ na kakom narechii vy pishete.
(11) Opjat’ zhe: “write me” – amerikanizm. Po-anglijski nado – “write TO me”
(12) Vsja fraza neskol’ko formal’na. Tak obychno podpisyvaju svoi delovyje pis’ma: “If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me” i t.d.
(13) “any”, a ne “some”
(14) “suggestion” – ochen’ formal’noe slovo dlja takogo pis’ma. “My idea”?
(15) A vot tut chisto britanskoe “phone me”, sokraschennoe ot “telephone me”. V Amerike tak NIKOGDA ne govorjat. Tam tol’ko “call me”.
(16) “Best”; opechatka?
(17) “Best regards” tozhe slishkom formal’no v pis’me porduzhke. Obychno, “Love”, “Lots of love” etc.

В целом неплохое письмо. Уверен будет выская отметка. Но, мне кажется, при изучении языка вы пользуетесь и британскими и американскими пособиями (или некачественными отечественными учебниками или полуграмотными педагогами). От этого ваш английский сильно засорён американизмами. Или, возможно, наоборот: ваш американский английский засорен чисто британской лексикой, что бросается в глаза. Но не думаю вам снизят за это балл, it’s no big deal!

[Ulya]

В целом неплохое письмо. Уверен будет выская отметка. Но, мне кажется, при изучении языка вы пользуетесь и британскими и американскими пособиями (или некачественными отечественными учебниками или полуграмотными педагогами). От этого ваш английский сильно засорён американизмами. Или, возможно, наоборот: ваш американский английский засорен чисто британской лексикой, что бросается в глаза. Но не думаю вам снизят за это балл, it’s no big deal!

Большое спасибо за проверку! Очень важные для меня замечания.

Что касается смеси американского и британского английского... Замечание совершенно неожиданное для меня!!

Подозреваю, что всё дело в моем шефе. Он хоть и голландец, но думаю, что говорит он на американском английском. Все useful фразы и выражения взяты из общения с ним, в том числе и письменного. А готовлюсь я сейчас сама, по пособиям для сдачи IELTS, то бишь по британским пособиям. Такая вот смесь((

Для меня это сейчас недоступно - отсортировать одно от другого. Пока для меня существует только один английский язык в силу малой практики.... ( Но если Вы говорите, что это особенно не повлияет на мои 6 баллов.. То, наверное, не буду пока на это внимание обращать.

[Ulya]

Усилено занимаюсь в праздники.
Пожалуйста, посмотрите моё letter of complain и дайте свои замечания.
Если кто еще есть.... в праздники...


You have bought a packet of breakfast cereal at Gibbon's Supermarket. When you opened it at home it had clearly gone bad.
Write a letter of complain to the manager of the supermarket and explain what you want to happen.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction about the food you sell in your supermarket.
I have been buying food in your outlet for a long time. Yesterday I bought a packet of breakfast cereal. When I came home and opened it I understood that the cereal is not fresh. It had a strange colour and not good smell.

After that, I phoned to the supermarket and asked staff about satisfactory actions. They replied me unfriendly. Moreover, they did not know what to do.

Since I feel I should be compensated somehow I ask you to refund the cost of the cereal. You can find a photocopy of the cheque in attachment. In addition, I would like to receive apology from your staff for improper reply.

Thank you for taking time to read this letter.

Please give this matter you immediate attention. I look forward to receiving a satisfactory reply.

Yours faithfully,
Ulya


156 слов.

[Lavrentiy]

You have bought a packet of breakfast cereal at Gibbon's Supermarket. When you opened it at home it had clearly gone bad.
Write a letter of complain to the manager of the supermarket and explain what you want to happen.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction (1) about the food you sell in your supermarket.

I have been buying food in your outlet for a long time. Yesterday I bought a packet of breakfast cereal. When I came home and opened it I (2) understood that the cereal (3) is not fresh. It had a strange colour and not (4) good smell.

After that, I phoned (5) to the supermarket and asked (6) staff about satisfactory actions. (7) They replied me unfriendly. Moreover, they did not know ( what to do.

Since I feel I should be compensated somehow (9) I ask you to refund the cost of the cereal. (10) You can find a photocopy of the cheque in attachment. In addition, I would like to receive (11) apology from your staff for (12) improper reply.

(13) Thank you for taking time to read this letter.

Please give this matter you immediate attention. I look forward to receiving a satisfactory reply.

Yours faithfully,
Ulya


156 слов.

(1) dissatisfaction WITH the food
(2) I saw that?
(3) was not fresh. was OFF.?
(4) not A good smell
(5) “to” ne objazatel’no
(6) luchshe “a member of staff”
(7) luchshe “they were rude to me”
( luchshe: “what had to be done”
(9) I am askING you…
(10) luchshe: “Please find a copy of the receipt attached.”
(11) AN apology
(12) luchshe: “for being rude and unhelpful”
(13) Не нужное предложение. Вы жалуетесь на хамское поведение продавщиц и негодный товар!!! Вас обидели и вы еще благодарите? Пытайтесь освоить не только язык, но и языковую философию, т.е. западный менталитет.

А так, довольно не плохо. Так держать!

[VOlya]

Всех с праздником! С новым годом! Пусть ваши желания исполняются! Удачи! Здоровья!
Ребята, спасибо Вам за проверку и за поддержку!

Мы тоже не теряем времени даром и как Ulya готовимся к экзамену.
Покритикуйте, пожалуйста эссе мужа. Спасибо.

More and more women decide to have children later in life. Why do you think this happens? What changes does this have on society and family?

There is no doubt that our society has many changes in comparing with society fifty or even hundred years ago. One of these changes is women make a decision to have a child later in life. From my point of view, it happens due to many reasons which influence their decision.

Modern society is becoming tougher and demanding. One of the valuable things is the independence and this extends to all members whether you man or woman. In this case, women have to be a relevant so as a result they opt to be successful in business firstly and earn enough money to have children. Of cause, they want to do own duty becomes a mother but achievement to be successful takes a time therefore they delay decision to be a mother. Other reason is a facility of having children. Before starting family many pairs try to solve a housing problem which takes time too.

There are several things could be done to prevent this situation. In my opinion, governments should help young women. Firstly, women should have addition money when they are becoming pregnant. Secondly, it would be helpful if authorities give loans to young family with good conditions.

In conclusion, I would like to say that we live in fascinating and constantly changing world when the decision of having a child plays an important role in life any family. So, I think we should do all possible in order that the decision of having child is on time.

[Lavrentiy]

More and more women decide to have children later in life. Why do you think this happens? What changes does this have on society and family?

There is no doubt that our society (1) has many changes in comparing with society fifty or even hundred years ago. (2) One of these changes is women make a decision to have a child later in life. From my point of view, it happens due to many reasons which influence their decision.

Modern society is becoming tougher and demanding. (3) One of the valuable things is the independence and this extends to all members whether you man or woman. (4) In this case, women have to be a relevant so as a result they opt to be successful in business firstly and earn enough money to have children. (5) Of cause, they want to do own (6) duty becomes a mother but achievement to be successful takes a time therefore they delay decision to be a mother. (7) Other reason is ( a facility of having children. Before starting family many (9) pairs try to solve a housing problem which takes time too.

There are several things (10) could be done to prevent this situation. In my opinion, (11) governments should help young women. Firstly, women should have (12) addition money when they are (13) becoming pregnant. Secondly, it would be helpful if authorities (14) give loans to young (15) family (16) with good conditions.

In conclusion, I would like to say that we live in (17) fascinating and constantly changing world when (1 the decision of having a child plays an important (20) role in life any family. So, I think we should do (21) all possible in order that the decision of having (22) child is (23) on time.

(1) has changed much in compariSON with…
(2) One of the changes is the fact that women… ?
(3) One of the valuable things is independence that extends to all members of society whether you are a man or a woman. ?
(4) ne ponjal predlozhenija. nado perepisat’.
(5) ochen’ negramotnoe predlozhenie; nado perepisat’.
(6) stat’ mater’ju – jeto ne “dolg” (duty) zhenschiny. Russkij mentalitet!
(7) Another
( A facility for having children?? Sexual organs! Funny!
(9) “couples”, a ne “pairs”
(10) things THAT could
(11) the government
(12) additional
(13) become pregnant. “Becoming pregnant” подразумевает процесс зачатия, т.е. секс! lol “Additional money” в таком случае, разумеется, не помешают. Га-га!
(14) gave
(15) families
(16) on good conditions/terms
(17) in A fascinating
(1 a decision
(19) plays an important PART
(20) everything possible
(21) A child
(22) timely / while women are young? Странноватое предложение. Кто такие "мы"? И я тоже что-ли должен делать всё возможное, чтобы женщины рожали в молодости? Вот так всем миром и навалимся! lol

Ну, передайте мужу, что надо ещё работать и не унывать. Удачи!

[Ulya]

To Lavrentiy

Спасибо большое за проверку!
Буду и дальше точить гранит науки английского+менталитет )))

[Alexander Usov]

Прошу проверить неформальное письмо.
Тема: A friend is already attending a TAFE college in Australia. You will be going to Australia next year. Write and ask him what you should do before you go. Ask him about problems he has had.

Dear John!
Hi! How are you? Sorry that I haven’t written for ages, but I’ve been extremely busy. I’m writing because I’d really like your advice about studding a TAFE college in Australia.

Next year, I’m planning to go in Australia and I’d like to ask you what I should prepare before it. First of all, I mean should I have any recommendations from my secondary school or any other documents?

Next, would you tell me a bit about issues you face in your everyday life there? How do you feel without support of your parents? I guess you live independently and you have to prepare meal every day, haven’t you? What about your new schoolmates?

Thank you for your advices in advance. Anyway, I must go and get on with my home work. I look forward for hearing from you.

With my best wishes for today, and every day,
Alex.

[Vit@ly]

deleted

[Ulya]

Проверьте, пожалуйста, очередной мой перл.



Last year you attended an intensive English course at the Darwin College of English. Your new employer has asked you to provide copies of your reports and assignments as quickly as possible.
Write to the director of the language school and request these documents.

Dear Mr. Brown,

I was a student in your College last year. I attended your intensive English course last summer. I spent two months in your language school and achieved good results in improving my English language skills. I am writing to inquire copies of my reports and assignments.

Some time ago I found a new job in a big international design company. The company internal language is English. Due to our clients are companies from all over the wold, we also use English in our communications with them. Thanks to the excellent course provided by your College I speak English fluently now and have no problem with international communications.

Nevertheless, my boss would like to have copies of my reports and assignments from the College to be sure I can take part in international conferences.

I would be grateful if your could sent me this documents by fax as soon as possible. The fax number is +7 945 238 89 76.

Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.

Yours sincerely,

Ulya

175 слов.

[newjersey]

Проверьте, пожалуйста, очередной мой перл.



Last year you attended an intensive English course at the Darwin College of English. Your new employer has asked you to provide copies of your reports and assignments as quickly as possible.
Write to the director of the language school and request these documents.

Dear Mr. Brown,

I was a student in your College last year. I attended your intensive English course last summer. I spent two months in your language school and achieved good results in improving my English language skills. I am writing to inquire copies of my reports and assignments.

Some time ago I found a new job in a big international design company. The company internal language is English. Due to (1) our clients are companies from all over the wold, we also use English in our communications with them. Thanks to the excellent course provided by your College I speak English fluently now and have no problem with international communications.

Nevertheless, my boss would like to have copies of my reports and assignments from the College to be sure I can take part in international conferences.

I would be grateful if your could sent (3) me this documents (4) by fax as soon as possible. The fax number is +7 945 238 89 76.

Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.

Yours sincerely,

Ulya

175 слов.

(1) Since в контексте лучше, если Due to так уж нравится, то Due to the fact that
(2) world
(3) you could send
(4) this documentation или these documents -- либо единственное либо множественное

[newjersey]

Прошу проверить неформальное письмо.
Тема: A friend is already attending a TAFE college in Australia. You will be going to Australia next year. Write and ask him what you should do before you go. Ask him about problems he has had.

Dear John!
Hi! How are you? Sorry that I haven’t written for ages, but I’ve been extremely busy. I’m writing because I’d really like (1) your advice about studding (2) a TAFE college in Australia.

Next year, (3) I’m planning to go in (4) Australia and I’d like to ask you what I should prepare before it (5). First of all, I mean (6) should I have any recommendations from my secondary school or (7) any other documents?

Next, would you tell me a bit about issues you face in your everyday life there? How do you feel without support of your parents? I guess you live independently and you have to prepare meal ( every day, haven’t you (9)? What about your new schoolmates? (10)

Thank you for your advices in advance (11). Anyway, I must go and get on with my home work. I look forward for (12) hearing from you.

With my best wishes for today, and every day,
Alex.

В целом - сокращения в письмах глаз режут, лучше все таки писать I would, I am, will not, etc.
(1) I need - I really need звучит получше
(2) studying in
(3) запятая не нужна
(4) to Australia -- а вообще я бы перефразировал - I am planning to go to Australia next year and...
(5) before I go.
(6) I mean не нужно, это разговорный мусор, в письме не употребляется, если только это не цитата или прямая речь. Это эквивалент "на самом деле" в русском. Говорят - if you mean something, just say it.
(7) take/obtain any recommendations from my secondary school or bring any other documents with me?
(8 ) cook a meal, make a meal, в данном контексте cook/make meals
(9) don't you, поскольку основной глагол в настоящем времени. во-вторых это лишнее - вместе с предшествующим должествованием (have to) добавляет иронии/сомнения, хотя может иметь место с некоторой ироничной предысторией -- I remember you were so attached to your home and never made so much as a sandwich for yourself, but now, I guess since now you live independently, you have to make meals everyday, don't you? Did you learn to boil pyelmeni in an electric chainik or have you had someone hired to keep yourself from turning into a bum you lazy son of a .... ummm, i mean, i really need your advice about TAFE, yeah, how about that. Все таки за советом пишем, а не приколы вспоминаем, поэтому лучше убрать don't you.
(10) what about them? читается как продолжение предыдущей мысли про готовку, только теперь в отношении однокурсников.
(11) advice - во множественном числе если и употребляется, то крайне редко. Вообще, advance - advice не звучит, thank you in advance for your help лучше.
(12) Look forward TO - устойчивая фраза, всегда to