My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[L.Daisy]

Проблема, что там часто не совсем корректно темы передают, вплоть до полного искажения смысла

да, есть такое... к сожалению...

Стараюсь просто придерживаться ВС-шной рекомендации на все: 2 абзаца ЗА, 1 против + контраргумент, Вывод- суммарайз+ предикшн или suggestion

я не эксперт, но мне кажется, что подобную схему не подо все можно применить...
Вы смотрели вот здесь рекомендации?

[IMA30]

Большущая просьба к знающим людям оценить мое очередное эссе. Впервые удалось уложиться в 40 минут.
Many school children receive a lot of homework. Does this homework benefit the child? Do you think homework serves a useful purpose?

studying results/study outcomes = academic results/achievements

In this essay I will look at some advantages of homework such as improving study outcomes and reducing the amount of time which kids can spend improperly.

In conclusion, by doing a lot of homework children can considerably improve their study outcomes and reduce the risk of being involved in a crime.

У вас повторяется введение и заключение - этого необходимо избегать...

Имхо, если так мало идей придумалось, то надо было добавить еще один абзац - с противоположным мнением и аргументами за него. Ну и в заключении сравнить и высказать свою позицию. Так было бы интереснее.

Я тоже так думаю. Здесь так и напрашивается противоположная точка зрения, например, дети слишком много занимаются, в результате, проблемы со здоровьем (малоподвижный образ жизни, все свободное время за учебниками), ну и ушудшение social skills из-за того, что бедные дети вынужденные много заниматься, а не общаться со сверстниками. Ну и в заключение, что-то типа: все хорошо в меру, да, мы будем стремиться к хорошим academic results, но при этом, не стоит отнимать у детей детство.

Опять же были сомнения писать discussion или argument essay. Поскольку в задании интересуются лишь моим мнением и не просят обсудить проблему с разных сторон, то я решил писать argument essay и выразить только одну (свою) точку зрения, помня золотое правило IELTS-а что обезьянке надо давать только то, что она просит.

[Vladka]

Опять же были сомнения писать discussion или argument essay. Поскольку в задании интересуются лишь моим мнением и не просят обсудить проблему с разных сторон, то я решил писать argument essay и выразить только одну (свою) точку зрения, помня золотое правило IELTS-а что обезьянке надо давать только то, что она просит.

An opinion essay is a formal piece of writing. It requires your opinion on the topic, which must be stated clearly, giving various viewpoints on the topic supported by reasons and/or examples. You should also include the opposing viewpoint in another paragraph.

A successful opinion essay should have:
a) An introductory paragraph in which you state the topic and your opinion.
b) A main body which consists of several paragraphs, each presenting a separate viewpoint supported by reasons. You also include a paragraph presenting the opposing viewpoint and reason why you think it is an unconvincing viewpoint; and
c) A conclusion in which you restate your opinion using different words.

Встрачал мнение насчет того, что писать только одну сторону, но как то все ж (для меня) перевесило то, что надо и противоположную упоминать..
Смотрю, что восновном попадаются ессе "За и Против" и "Мнение". Хотя на тесте мне попалось 2 раза расплывчатая формулировка- "сегодня чтото имеет больше advantages than disadvantages" и все, т.е. вроде как ни рыба ни мясо, никаких тебе Дискас топик или выскажи мнение....
А, вообще, мутное это дело....

[Andre]

Проверьте и покритикуйте мое эссе! Написал минут за 20-25, НО использовал словарик раза 3!
Немного не хватает слов, но писал быстро и сразу что думаю.

What is risk in our life

What does risk mean? People says the risk is some dangerous and it can to be injurious to health. It follows that we should to afraid any display of the risk. What is more it is the right suggestion. Humanity afraid to make a decision and risk because we don’t know final result.
From one point of view the risk is some bad and dangerous. We should not do some bad for ourselves. That makes our life safe and comfortable. We think less. Moreover we don’t make decisions.
From other point of view we could control our life. What is more we can make a decision and choose everything we want however we should to risk. Yes, it can be frightful and we don’t know consequences of our actions. We can only suppose about result. Even thought we can make a decision and control our life. Not only that, but it is real happiness to choose. But something can be wrong and we can make a mistake. It is not a game over and not a wrong choose, it is just a result of our actions.
In my opinion we should to risk, we must to do it. We can to choose and control our life. Life is only one and if we don’t make our chooses, somebody choose for us.

[Murat]

Господа, покритикуйте мой очередной мастерпис пожалуйста!!!

Some people believe that modern games played by children do not develop a wide range of skills. Traditional games, however, develop different skills in children. To what extent do you agree?

Bringing up young children is the most important task of the government and society. This process is not only giving good education but it also means caring about their mental and physical health. Children health depends on their way of life directly. To play games is vital part of child’s life.

Traditional games mean spending lots of time outside in the open air, having lots of physical exercise and improving logical thinking. All these parts have positive impact on children health.
However, outside is the only source of bad things which are learned by children very easy because other places such as school and family usually teach children to understand world only from positive side.

Modern games have opposite effects on young people. Usually they deal with computers. Children spent all their free time playing computer games. As a result they have minimum physical exercises. They are not likely to go out for their games or just to breathe fresh air. Hardly ever anybody say that it is better for children health.
But today nearly all parents prefer to see their child at home rather than do not know where their son or daughter goes out. Let us face to harsh reality, streets have became dangerous place today.

Of course, it is safely to leave our children at home. But, I think that parents, local authority and the government should make our life more secure in case at list our children can go out without fear.

[Lavrentiy]

Some people believe that modern games played by children do not develop a wide range of skills. Traditional games, however, develop different skills in children. To what extent do you agree?

Bringing up young children is the most important task of the government and society. This process is not only giving (1) good education but it also means caring about their mental and physical health. (2) Children health depends on their way of life directly. To play games is (3) vital part of child’s life.

Traditional games mean spending (4) lots of time outside in the open air, having lots of physical exercise and improving logical thinking. All these parts have (6) positive impact on children health.
However, (6) outside is the only source of bad things which are learned by children very (7) easy because other places such as school and family usually teach children to understand ( world only from (9) positive side.

Modern games have (10) opposite effects on young people. (11) Usually they deal with computers. Children spent all their free time playing computer games. As a result they have minimum physical exercises. They are not likely to go out (12) for their games or just to breathe fresh air. Hardly ever anybody (13) say that it is better for children health.
But today nearly all parents prefer to see their child at home rather than (14) do not know where their son or daughter goes out. Let us face (15) to harsh reality, streets have became dangerous (16) place today.

Of course, it is (17) safely to leave our children at home. But, I think that parents, local authority and the government should make our life more secure (1 in case at list our children can go out without fear.

(1) a good education
(2) children’s ?
(3) a vital part
(4) lots of = a lot of. “lots” – prostorechie
(5) a positive impact
(6) “outside” znachit vne doma. Vam nuzhno “ulitsa” v smysle “ulitsa” kak protivopolozhnost’ “shkole”. = “The street” s opredelennym artiklem. The street is the only source…
(7) Easily (po-britanski, hotja American sdes’ dopuskaet “easy”. Kak naprimer, American “real good”. U nas v britanii tol’ko “really good”. Vybor vash.)
( The
(9) Nuzhen kakoj-nibud’ artikl’, smotrja kakoj smysl vy vkladyvaete.
(10) The opposite effect – ed.chislo + artikl’
(11) They are used to dealing with computers?
(12) To play their games?
(13) sayS. Korjavoe predlozhenie. Nobody ever tells them it’s good for them?
(14) Zdes’ nuzhern gerundij: rather than NOT KNOWING where…
(15) “The” vmesto “to”. Lets’ face the harsh reality…
(16) placeS.
(17) “Safe” ili “safer”; togda ne nuzhno tochki posle “home”.
(1 “…so that at LEAST our children…”


S artikljami nebol’shaja problemka. A tak vysokij ball obespechen! Congrats!

[Lavrentiy]

Проверьте и покритикуйте мое эссе! Написал минут за 20-25, НО использовал словарик раза 3!
Немного не хватает слов, но писал быстро и сразу что думаю.

What is risk in our life

What does risk mean? People says the risk is some dangerous and it can to be injurious to health. It follows that we should to afraid any display of the risk. What is more it is the right suggestion. Humanity afraid to make a decision and risk because we don’t know final result.
From one point of view the risk is some bad and dangerous. We should not do some bad for ourselves. That makes our life safe and comfortable. We think less. Moreover we don’t make decisions.
From other point of view we could control our life. What is more we can make a decision and choose everything we want however we should to risk. Yes, it can be frightful and we don’t know consequences of our actions. We can only suppose about result. Even thought we can make a decision and control our life. Not only that, but it is real happiness to choose. But something can be wrong and we can make a mistake. It is not a game over and not a wrong choose, it is just a result of our actions.
In my opinion we should to risk, we must to do it. We can to choose and control our life. Life is only one and if we don’t make our chooses, somebody choose for us.

Sorry, mate – love and respect – but здесь "двойка" полная. не торопись с экзаменом. править не берусь, т.к. слишком много ошибок; много грубых. Don’t give up!!!

[Алексей Викторович]

Вот такое родилось Писалось легко, но есть ли ошибки и легко ли читается?

Now at home hand jobs are replaced with mashines. Describe the advantages and disadvantages of it.
-------------------------------------
The theme of advantages and disadvantages of using mashines at home frequently generates a great deal of disqussion. Some people suppose that they benefit from replacing hand job. Opponents claim that applying of mashines brings more disadvantages than advantages. This is not an easy question to answer but in this essay we will look at this issue.

It goes withuot saying, that people use different equipment such as an iron, cleaner, refregirator in order to do home work and cleaning more quickly. So, home cleaning takes less time nowadays than before. For example, the using of a vacuum cleaner, washing mashine and other equipment makes possible to finish all home work during few hours. Also, the same picture could be seeing at kitchen. Nowadays mothers have an ability to cook meals in a very short period of time.

Nevertheless, there are some disadvantages which were brought with appearing of home mashines. Usually such equipment is expensive and the cost of its repair is high too. Also, if one use a lot of different electrical equipment it will lead to high consumption of energy. For example, I have noticed the difference in my bills after I had bought the refrigerator and washing mashine.

In addition, I would like to say, that sometimes mashines solve problems which did not exist before they were created. For instance, my computer helps me a lot when I need to find an information in Internet ot print a text. On the other hand, I have to waste my free time in order to install all programms and adjust it.

As we can see, there are many aspects of applying mashines at home. Taking into consideration the listed points of view, it can be concluded that advantages and disadvantages of mashaines are like both sides of a coin which usually run parallel.

[Beh01der]

Имхо, очень неплохо написано

Now at home hand jobs are replaced with mashines. Describe the advantages and disadvantages of it.
-------------------------------------
The theme of advantages and disadvantages of using mashines (machines) at home frequently generates a great deal of disqussion (discussion). Some people suppose that they benefit from replacing hand job (странное предложение). Opponents claim that applying of mashines brings more disadvantages than advantages. This is not an easy question to answer but in this essay we will look at this issue.

It goes withuot (without) saying, that people use different equipment such as an iron, cleaner (vacuum cleaner), refregirator (refrigerator) in order to do home work and cleaning more quickly. So, (плохой стиль начинать предложение с so лучше Thus, Therefore, Consequently) home cleaning takes less time nowadays (слишком часто nowadays используйте больше синонимов) than before. For example, the using of a vacuum cleaner, washing mashine and other equipment makes possible to finish all home work during (in) few hours. Also, the same picture could be seeing at (in?) kitchen. Nowadays mothers have an ability (are able?) to cook meals (зачем достаточно просто cook) in a very short period of time (очень странно звучит. Я понимаю, что хочется подлиннее написать... но все же).

Nevertheless, there are some disadvantages which were brought with appearing of home mashines (это слово вам определенно не дается). Usually such equipment is expensive and the cost of its repair is high too (costly to repair). Also (используйте синонимы - On top of that), if one use a lot of different electrical equipment it will lead to high consumption of energy. For example, I have noticed the difference in my bills after I had bought the refrigerator and washing mashine.

In addition, I would like to say, that sometimes mashines solve problems which did not exist before they were created (не уловил суть. как машина может решать проблему которая не существовала до ее появления? вы противоречите сами себе.). For instance, my computer helps me a lot when I need to find an (не надо артикля тут) information in (the а тут надо) Internet ot print a text (texts?). On the other hand, I have to waste my free time in order to install all programms (programs) and adjust it (set them up).

As we can see, there are many aspects of applying mashines at home. Taking into consideration the listed points of view (Я бы написал Taking all the above points into consideration), it can be concluded that advantages and disadvantages of mashaines are like both sides of a coin which usually run parallel (странно звучит я бы написал are like two sides of a coin. плюс, насколько я понимаю, в заключении pros and cons essay нужно написать свое мнение.)

еще общее замечание. если вы перед тем как начать писать ессэ, придумаете хотябы по два аргумента за и против, писать будет легче, и не придется сочинять странные, длинные и неправильные фразы. больше поинтов для раскрытия темы!
Все только имха

[Алексей Викторович]

Спасибо за замечания! Учту.
Я наоборот решил что свое мнение надо не выставлять, а описать adv and disadv от применения машин дома. За словом machine я конечно недоглядел - взял тему из какого-то плохого списка, а там так было написано.
В последнем абзаце хотелось отразить известную шутку, что компы решают проблемы которых до их появления не существовало. Теперь вижу что на было писать типа machines solve problems but take our free time for seting them up...

[Beh01der]

Есть великолепная книга - Successful writing. Тут на форуме где-то давали на нее ссылку. Еще есть видео лекции тут - http://text2write.com/eng/free.html
Мне помогли. когда я готовился.
Еще рекомендация. Перед тем, как начинать писать, посвятите 5 минут обдумыванию. Сформулируйте идеи и выпишите на листочке. Одна идея - один параграф. Есть два подхода к генерации идей. Один - через вопросы (Who, where, why, ...) другой - через сферы - Экономическая, Социальная, Образовательная, ...
Можно просто потренироваться генерировать идеи как можно быстрее. Не писать полностью эссэ - а просто подготовка. 5 минут - одна тема. Так можно покрыть большое количество тем за короткий срок. Главное - идеи а слова потом придут сами.
Да, и будьте внимательны с материалами (особенно примерами эссе) которые скачиваете с интернета.
Я где-то скачал набор эссе с отвратительными ошибками, которые к тому же повторяются от одного эссе к другому.
Вроде "Second of all" и "of cause"

Удачи.

[Vladka]

Вроде "Second of all" и "of cause"
.

+1 (I belief и тд)
да, это из песочницы. Когда начинал по ним готовится, то казалось просто супер. Итог- 2 провала по райтингу. Сейчас читаю, ошибок полно, шаблоны не выдержаны. Использую только как источник идей, благо их там полно... 120 эссе.
Плюс меня хорошо просветил http://www.englishryan.com/plus/list.php?tid=2

[Лай-ка]

Покритикуйте эссе, пожалуйста, интересны любые точки зрения. Единственное, резко увеличить словарный запас уже не успею . Поэтому приоритетнее услышать советы по структуре и грамматике. Спасибо!

Topic: Тему точно не помню, что-то типа Шоппинг в больших супермаркетах . Выскажите свое мнение

As everyone knows the number of big supermarkets is going up. My city is not exeption to this rule.

Undoubtedly there are some positive moments to do shopping at supermarkets. First of all, it is more comfortable to buy products at big shops, because you can find everything you need and you should not visit more than one shop. Moreover, it takes less time. All supermarkets sell not only foodstuff, but also household goods and many other useful things. As a result you can save your own time, which you spend on shopping. Finally, the merchandises at supermarkets have a lower cost, than at small shops. So you can save not only your time, but the money too.

On the other hand, supermarkets have a limited variety of products. Sometimes it is difficut to buy the brand you want indeed. Moreover, frequently it is not so easy to get round to supermarket, because it is not a secret that big shops are located out of town or near outskirts. So sometimes, it is not so simple to reach them. Finally, some of them do not have enough of staff for advising the consumer. As a result, it is impossible to find any information about products.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that supermarkets are better if you want to go to the shop rarely. In this case you can really save your time and spend this time with your family or friends. But if you like shopping as a process you should not go to a supermarket, because you would not get pleasure from this.

[Лай-ка]

И еще одно в довесок

Topic: The amount of sport shown on television every week has increased significantly and this is having an impact on live sports events. Do you think the benefits of having more televised sports are greater than the disadvantages.

It is not a secret that number of sports programs goes up every year. But does this moment have only positive sides? As you know sport activity became more and more popular nowadays. People start understanding that sport is a necessity, because most of us have sedentary work and we need activity.

So, let's think about this situation in detail. Big number of sport programs has a few strong sides. For instance, majority of sports programs does not contain violence, as a result this kind of program can be viewed by children too. Next, it is important to remember that TV sports program is a stimulus for young people. It is general knowledge, after world championship or the Olympic Games the amount of children who want to be a sportsman has increased. Moreover, when you are watching TV competition you can be proud of your country, and this event can unite all nation.

But what about disadvantages? Some people think that sports TV show can play negative role in our life. The major idea of this opinion is "sports program has reduced real sports activity in our life". It can be true, because if you want to get a portion of adrenalin you can play football with your friends or just turn on TV. Often people think that turning on TV is easier. In addition, sometimes it is very dangerous to be a fan of sports team, if you are very impressionable person, you can have a problem with your heart, in case of your favorite team lost. What is more, as everyone knows, the count of struggles between football fans does not come down.

In conclusion, I should say that both opinions are important, but I strongly believe, sports programs is necessity for present-day people. This kind of program is more health-giving for us than others

[Алексей Викторович]

Читается легко, по смыслу согласованно. Я нашел всего одну ошибку:
I strongly believe that supermarkets will be better if you want to go to the shop rarely.
По второму: многие советуют избегать вопросительных предложений. Можно перефразировать But does this moment have only positive sides? --> The given trend has not only positive sides.
Так же можно красиво перефразировать "But what about disadvantages?"
Я тоже раньше писал вопросительные, но когда читаешь чужие сочинения, видно что красивей будет некое утверждение.[/b]