My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[dazik]

Начнем с того, что выделенные слова ну никак под определение 'инфинитив' не подходят.

Что все-таки имеется в виду под 2-мы инфинитивами, кот. нельзя подряд ставить?

e.g. When are you going to learn to pace yourself as the workload is becoming almost unmanageable? - попадает под определение 2 infinitives или нет?

Прошу прощения я имела в виду,конечно,не инфинитив, а герундий, by mistake т. е. В предложении:
it is worth considerING havING a pet,
У меня на слуху такая конструкция:
It's worth + V-ing + to V ... и когда подряд 2 герундия - звучит непривычно.
Просто хочется разобраться,правильно ли это, дабы не делать ошибок...

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Прошу прощения я имела в виду,конечно,не инфинитив, а герундий, by mistake т. е. В предложении:
it is worth considerING havING a pet,
У меня на слуху такая конструкция:
It's worth + V-ing + to V ... и когда подряд 2 герундия - звучит непривычно.
Просто хочется разобраться,правильно ли это, дабы не делать ошибок...

It's consider doing something.
and it's worth doing something

and since there's no other option, we just have to go with what we have, don't we?

BTW, I've never heard about the 'rule' you mentioned. Can you give me any clues or links as to where I can find this 'rule' (no Runglish grammar books and sites, please)

[Stayer]

интересно, идет ли у меня прогресс по сравнению с первым эссе?

Some people believe that the media, such as the press, TV and Internet should be more strictly controlled. Others feel that controls should be loosened to give people freer access to information.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.


Currently, one of the main issues Australian Government is trying to solve today relates to Censorship of The Internet. While there is a strong argument that mass media should be supervised, it is also believed that there is a case for saying that information should be available in free access for everyone. This essay will look at both sides of this argument.

Those who argue that the content featured in public sources should be restricted typically make one of the following arguments. To begin with, they think that if certain data provided in open view gets into hands of individuals with malicious intents than the well-being of the whole nation might be endangered. For example, an online website which outlines the list of ingredients needed for making an explosion could be discovered by potential terrorists who plot an attack against the Government or local people and can actually put such information in use. Secondly, some groups of society such as children could be negatively influenced by facts and images shown on television and press. Inability to discern between good or bad puts them into a vulnerable position.

In contrast, there is one major argument on the other side of the debate which concerns the freedom of people. The act of blocking certain content from viewers and readers might cause public’s frustration and result in displeasure aimed towards politicians who pass such censorship laws. This can further escalate into nation-wide discontent and end up with a riot. Indeed, people who has been fighting for their freedom of speech and choice, especially in such countries as Australia, would feel pressurised when their rights get questioned.

My personal position is that there is no clear answer to this question, as there are such powerful arguments on both sides. Perhaps, it is possible to censor information for some groups of people without compromising rights of the rest of the population. It will depend on severity of the each particular topic presents to the nation.

[kyp]

интересно, идет ли у меня прогресс по сравнению с первым эссе?

Currently, one of the main issues of Australian Government is trying to solve today's relates(attitude?) to Censorship of The Internet. While there is a strong argument that mass media should be supervised, it is also believed that there is a case for(to?) saying that information should be available in free access for everyone. This essay will look at both sides (pros and cons?)of this argument.

Those who argue that the content featured in public sources should be restricted typically make(follow?) one of the following arguments. To begin with, they think that if certain data provided in open view gets into hands of individuals with malicious intents than the well-being of the whole nation might be endangered. For example, an online website which outlines the list of ingredients needed for making an explosion could be discovered by potential terrorists who plot an attack against the Government or local people and can actually put such information in use. Secondly, some groups of society such as children could be negatively influenced by facts and images shown on television and press. Inability to discern between good or bad puts them into a vulnerable(не совсем понял что вы хотели сказать, что за уязвимая позиция?) position.

In contrast, there is one of the major arguments (или без one) on(of the arguers) the other side of the debate(тогда это лишнее) which concerns the freedom of people. The act of blocking certain content from viewers and readers might cause public’s ('s redundant)frustration and result in displeasure aimed towards politicians who pass such censorship laws. This can further escalate into nation-wide(national?) discontent and end up with a riot. Indeed, people who has been fighting for their freedom of speech and choice, especially in such countries as Australia, would feel pressurised when their rights get questioned(Indeed, people who has been fighting for their freedom of speech and choice, especially in such countries as Australia, might have had feeling of disappointment if their rights had got questioned.
).

My personal position is that there is no clear answer to this question, as there are such powerful arguments on both sides. Perhaps, it is possible to censor information for some groups of people without compromising rights of the rest of the population. It will depend on severity of the each particular topic presents to the nation.(Perhaps, some filtering of the information for some groups of people without insulting of their rights can be made. It depends on danger's severity of the each particular piece of information and should be discussed distinguishably for each of them one by one.)

[Maimiti_Isabella]

интересно, идет ли у меня прогресс по сравнению с первым эссе?

Currently, one of the main issues Australian Government is trying to solve today relates to Censorship of The Internet. While there is a strong argument that mass media should be supervised, it is also believed that there is a case for saying that information should be available in free access for everyone. This essay will look at both sides of this argument.

Если бы еще знать о чем пишете.... Where's the essay topic and task?

I just had a quick look at the essay and liked it a lot better than the first one. Not quite sure about 7 yet but the progress is quite obvious. Will have a closer look when you get us the topic.

[natalya_ielts]

посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое эссе!

In today's job market it is far more important to have practical skills than theoretical knowledge. In the future, job applicants may not need any formal qualifications. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

All jobs demand using certain knowledge and skills by employee. Each company has its own business model and organizational and functional structure. During the treating of business a company work out their own corporate culture. So universities and colleges couldn't take into account all differences between various companies. Employer should train a new worker for all from the start. In this case it may be appeared not to need any qualifications.
On the one hand, it is easier for employees to be studied inside the companey It needs less time and money because young people can start work right after finishing the school. Such people become more self-made than their high-educated peers.
On the other hand, having certain qualification people are more competent. Because high education allows for graduated person to understand the reality far wider. Modern life is becoming more complex, companies' activity is more complicated and so it's more difficult to manage it without deep university's education. It's undoubtedly that an university doesn't give any practical skills and knowledge. Consequently, young people need to be employed at the start position and to develop gradually using their knowledge. Besides that, during studying at the University, students need to take an intership in the free time, for example, in the vacation. Such a graduated person will have more demand from the employer than people without such experience.
In conclusion, i think that people must have some of qualification, but they should tend having any practical experience.

[Stayer]

Если бы еще знать о чем пишете.... Where's the essay topic and task?

I just had a quick look at the essay and liked it a lot better than the first one. Not quite sure about 7 yet but the progress is quite obvious. Will have a closer look when you get us the topic.

забыл добавить -

Some people believe that the media, such as the press, TV and Internet should be more strictly controlled. Others feel that controls should be loosened to give people freer access to information. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience

kyp, спасибо за комментарии... хотел сказать, что дети подвержены влиянию извне

[Maimiti_Isabella]

забыл добавить -

Some people believe that the media, such as the press, TV and Internet should be more strictly controlled. Others feel that controls should be loosened to give people freer access to information. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience

Ok, forget for a second about your English skills, let's just have a quick look at the question of the essay.

Some people believe that the media, such as the press, TV and Internet should be more strictly controlled. Others feel that controls should be loosened to give people freer access to information. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Then I'm reading your essay and the first sentence goes:

Currently, one of the main issues THE Australian Government is trying to solve today relates to Censorship of the Internet.

Immediately I go back to the question and I don't see any reference to the Australian Government whatsoever. And why are you talking about the Internet in the opening sentence?
This means you've changed the topic of the essay, which in turn means you will not get a 7.

Next, you are living and studying in Australia, so how come you are not using 'proper' jargon to talk on the issue? For the last year all media outlets have been sensationalising the issue of the Internet sensorship but your choice of vocab doesn't demostrate the awareness. Just google 'Internet censorship" and you will come up with a wide range of sites to help you with the vocab.
Just to illustrate what I mean:
Those who argue that the content featured in public sources
'sources' is a very poor choice. The correct word is 'domain': public domain
provided in open view -> freely/is freely accessible, etc

To sum up, I believe that the currect essay will not get a '7' for a very simple reason: it doesn't answer the question. Otherwise, it's quite good both structurally and grammatically. It's easy to follow and there are only few mistakes which mostly don't interfere with the meaning anyway.

[Aleza]

Проверьте,пожалуйста, эссе и укажите на что обратить внимание в написании.

Some people believe that children`s educational activities should be educational, otherwise they complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree. Give your reasons for your answer and include relevant information from your experience.

The question of children activities is significant for each parents wishing their best in adopting for future adult life. Commonly in well developed countries have been suggested for many years that providing the best possible education is one of major priority to make efforts for and stimulation other actions should be discouraged by responsible persons. In this essay I will take a closer look on this subject considering both sides .

On the one hand, it is believed that studying hard in school will give favorable opportunities for getting good education in high school and university after and receiving well-paid starting job position. It is certainly true that if person has a degree from one of the first class universities, than he will get much greater chances to take a position in a known international company compared to candidate graduated from college or even university, that is less prestigious level.

On the other hand, differents kinds of activities are also important for overall development of a child and that should not be rejected by adults. For example performing physical tasks maintains one in good health condition. Outdoor activities develop social and team working skills between the group while playing sport game or communicating in a company.
To summarize, I am inclined to believe that educational activities are important and play the key role in personal development while growing up of a child. However without spending proper time and taking enough attention for leisure activities person may not receive substantial skills, which are also extremely essential not less than educational ones.

260 words

[Aleza]

Scientists and the news media are presenting ever more evidence of climate change. Governments cannot be expected to solve this problem. It is responsibility of individuals to change their lifestyle to prevent further global damage. What are your views? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

The problem of global climate change is a crucial in a current stage of human development. Scientist have been working for last decades in order to work out proper solutions to prevent global worming whereas mass media broadcasted numerous of reports confirming stable tendency of climate change for over recent years. It is commonly suggested that reasons for climate change resulted from human activities. Some people think that this is matter of every individual, which actions resulted to global damage while others believed that governments bear the whole responsibility in connection with problem. In this essay I will take a closer look at both points of view.

On the one hand, the key role, which local authorities of countries may play, is to create laws promoted to prevent causes of global damages. For example it is well known fact, that one of the major reasons of global warming is level of carbon dioxide exhausted by cars. It could be implemented limitations, which are obliged to lower level of exhausted carbon dioxide for car manufacturers. Furthermore the volume of emissions produced by industrial factures may be reduced as well by relevant law.

On the other hand, every single person could make efforts by more reliable relations to the nature. People, who work for the same company and live in the same district, may share one car to get work in order to maintain ecologically cleaner the city, where they live. Moreover, its up to certain individual which transport to choose to get destination. For example if person choose bicycle, than it will make no harm to nature compared to automobile.

To summarize, it is rather complicated question to a get certain answer who is responsible for problem of global change and I am inclined to believe that every individual could make simple efforts not to worsen pollution level as well as governments should encourage it and promote proper measures.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Проверьте,пожалуйста, эссе и укажите на что обратить внимание в написании.

Простите за откровенность, но обратить внимание прежде всего нужно на английский язык.

Хотя, конечно, если Вас хорошая оценка не интересует ....

[eCATerina]

Уважаемые знатоки-эссеисты , прошу критики и замечаний по поводу сего опуса (темка указана вверху). Спасибо огромное всем откликнувшимся!

What are the advantages and disadvantages of our ever-increasing use of computer technology

Wide spread of computer technology is often discussed in the modern world. Some say that computers are extremely important in our life and some people consider it to be time wasting or even harmful activity. It is worth examining both points of view before reaching any conclusions.

To begin with, many scientific achievements that we enjoy today would hardly be possible without computer technologies. Modern scientific world uses computers in almost every sphere and on different stages: from design through implementation.

In addition, computer technologies are widely exploited in medicine. Numerous visualization systems used for diagnosis are integrated with highly developed and sophisticated computer systems. Eventually, computers help saving human lives.

On the other hand, many people claim that computer work actually might be harmful for one’s health. Many children and teens suffer from myopia because they spend hours playing computer games or surfing the Internet.

What is more, young people become strictly addicted to “virtual world”, and they prefer virtual life and friends to real ones. Teenagers have no idea about how to fellowship with peers in reality. They become detached from everyday life, which is harmful for them as well as for their neighbors.

On the whole, fast spreading of computer technologies has both positive and negative sides. In my opinion, a balance should be observed as in every aspect of our life. People should be aware of danger of being addicted to a virtual world while enjoying the benefits that modern computer technologies could provide.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Уважаемые знатоки-эссеисты , прошу критики и замечаний по поводу сего опуса (темка указана вверху). Спасибо огромное всем откликнувшимся!

What are the advantages and disadvantages of our ever-increasing use of computer technology

Wide spread of computer technology is often discussed in the modern world. Some say that computers are extremely important in our life and some people consider it to be time wasting or even harmful activity. It is worth examining both points of view before reaching any conclusions.

To begin with, many scientific achievements that we enjoy today would hardly be possible without computer technologies. Modern scientific world uses computers in almost every sphere and on different stages: from design through implementation.

In addition, computer technologies are widely exploited in medicine. Numerous visualization systems used for diagnosis are integrated with highly developed and sophisticated computer systems. Eventually, computers help saving human lives.

On the other hand, many people claim that computer work actually might be harmful for one’s health. Many children and teens suffer from myopia because they spend hours playing computer games or surfing the Internet.

What is more, young people become strictly addicted to “virtual world”, and they prefer virtual life and friends to real ones. Teenagers have no idea about how to fellowship with peers in reality. They become detached from everyday life, which is harmful for them as well as for their neighbors.

On the whole, fast spreading of computer technologies has both positive and negative sides. In my opinion, a balance should be observed as in every aspect of our life. People should be aware of danger of being addicted to a virtual world while enjoying the benefits that modern computer technologies could provide.

On the whole, quite a good essay. I have my doubts about your paragraphing as I don't understand why having 'in addition blah-blah-blah' as a new paragraph as it clearly continues the idea expressed in the previous one. Also, by using 'in addition' you sort of separate medicine from 'modern scientific world', which coupled up with paragraphing issue cmay lead to readability problems.

Now, the points you need to address:
1. a good variety of sentence structures. So far your sentences look pretty boring to me as the are too similar
2. modality. I keep repeating the same thing again and again - modality is essential!
Let's have a look at the one of the sentences from your essay:
young people become strictly addicted to “virtual world”,
Are you young? - probably yes, at least from the point of view of Australian culture. This means I can say that you are addicted, right? So, are you additicted? According to your essay, most definitely!
Now I'm gonig to add just one 'little' word (or two )
young people may / are likely to become addicted to “virtual world”, (you can't use 'strictly' in the this context)
See the difference?
3. A bit more interesting vocab please! Just too simple and boring! A couple of phrasal verbs or idiomatic expressions perhaps?
4. A bit of variety of grammar would do the essay good.

Anyway, your English looks pretty solid to me so all you need to do is to develop it further.

[eCATerina]

Dear Maimiti_Isabella,
Thank you so much for your feedback, it's very helpful!!
I really appreciate your time and efforts. I like your recommendations regarding modal verbs and also regarding variability of vocabulary and sentences' structure. Thanks A LOT !!

P.S. It is not important but just for the record - my country of destination is Canada and my aim in writing module is 6.5 (I am not sure how close I am to this band score at present).

[Maimiti_Isabella]

and my aim in writing module is 6.5 (I am not sure how close I am to this band score at present).

I think you've got it. Or, considering the nerves and exam anxiety very close to it.

Please note, I don't believe you have a 7, which should be you target score if you want to get a comfortable 6.5.

Just follow my recommendations and you should be OK. Your problem is not grammar or sentence structure or the likes but rather approaches to communicating in English.