My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[eCATerina]

Just follow my recommendations and you should be OK. ...

Oh, sure, I will! Thanks again for your comments - very encouraging!

[Bee]

Здравствуйте, уважаемые форумчане! Читаю форум давно, но только решилась представить на Ваш суд свое творение. Буду очень благодарна за любые отклики и рецензии. Заранее спасибо всем.

Task: Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources such as forests, animals, or clean water. Choose one resource than is disappearing and explain why it needs to be saved. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


Nowadays environmental problems become more and more actual day by day. Growing of industrial production and urban population has led to spoiling of Earth’s treasures. From my point of view, one of the main problems in this area is lack of fresh water. In the following paragraphs I will give my reasons to support my idea.

First of all, it is a well-known fact that life on our planet can not exist without enough quality of clean and sweet water in general. All living organisms, without exception such as animals, plants, fish and people will be killed by absence of liquid. For instance, deficiency and absence of water resources will result the shortage of food. Consequently, the price of provision will increase catastrophically and many of people will be suffering from starvation.

Secondly, should be noted that the pollution of water can have awful consequences for future generation. Therefore, we must keep our rivers, lakes and oceans in pure condition in order to have ourselves and ours children healthy and strong. It can be illustrated by situation in majority of poor countries of South Africa, where a lot of population are undergoing from diseases by reason of deficiency of clean water. This example clearly shows that spoiling of water with chemicals, oil and other substances leads the humanity to disaster.

Taking into account all mentioned above I am inclined to believe that no one will deny necessity to keep the reserve of sweet water saved. In summary, the existence of living creatures is absolutely impossible without water.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте, уважаемые форумчане! Читаю форум давно, но только решилась представить на Ваш суд свое творение. Буду очень благодарна за любые отклики и рецензии. Заранее спасибо всем.

Task: Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources such as forests, animals, or clean water. Choose one resource than is disappearing and explain why it needs to be saved. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion..

I've never seen an IELTS essay worded like this
Are you sure it's IELTS?

Есть ошибки в построении предложений, пропущены артикли. Также, довольно много клише (за это оценка снижается), и как результат, слабые Introduction and Conclusion.

Possible overall is 6, I believe.

Но в принципе, основа довольно хорошая, просто надо работать прежде всего над английским.

[eCATerina]

Позвольте представить на суд еще одно сочинение (вновь о пресловутом курении). Большое спасибо за критику и замечания!

It has been proved that smoking kills. In some countries it has been made illegal for people to smoke in all public places except in certain areas. All countries should make these rules.

Numerous medical researches have proved that smoking is a deathful habit. In several countries at present smoking in public places is forbidden by law. Some people say that the same regulation should be implemented everywhere. I agree with this suggestion and would like to list several arguments for that idea.

Firstly, smoking is equally harmful for smokers and for those who are around. The latest investigations made by independent research groups in many countries prove that those who stay in the same room with smokers and inhale cigarettes’ smoke suffer even more than smokers themselves. According to the last reports published by FDA, passive smoking is more dangerous for human health than active smoking. Therefore, smokers should be isolated from those who care about their health.

Secondly, smoking in public may serve a bad example for children. Kinds tend to copy behaviour of adults. Consequently, there is a risk for them to start smoking when they grow up or when they become teenagers. According to other research data, about 40% of smokers had their first cigarette when they were in their early teens. Some of them confessed that they had previously stolen that cigarette from their parents.

Critics may say that making smoking in public illegal violates smokers' rights and make them 'expelled’ from society. However the truth is that those measures are absolutely inevitable if we care about health of our nations and about the future. To sum up, If we want to grow healthy generation which will be free from smoking addiction, we should implement the law against smoking in public places in every country of the world and we should do it as soon as possible.

[Bee]

I've never seen an IELTS essay worded like this
Are you sure it's IELTS?

Есть ошибки в построении предложений, пропущены артикли. Также, довольно много клише (за это оценка снижается), и как результат, слабые Introduction and Conclusion.

Possible overall is 6, I believe.

Но в принципе, основа довольно хорошая, просто надо работать прежде всего над английским.

Maimiti_Isabella, first of all, I appreciate for your comments. It's very useful for me.
Concerning task's formulation, you are right (as always . I'm not sure it's IELTS, but it makes no difference for me. I just try to keep IELTS's rules, when I was writing.
Thank you a lot! I will follow your recommendation.

P.S. I passed the IELTS half a year ago and had 5.5 points in writing. In July I will repeat my heroic deed and improve it

[Maimiti_Isabella]

In July I will repeat my heroic deed and improve it

I feel you need to concentrate a bit more on your general English skills, with occasional essay writing. You've got enough time to do some extra work on your English.

I don't remember your other essays of course, but judging from this one you've got the essay structure and organisation right.

[Bee]

I feel you need to concentrate a bit more on your general English skills, with occasional essay writing. You've got enough time to do some extra work on your English. I don't remember your other essays of course, but judging from this one you've got the essay structure and organisation right.

I am so encouraged by your words! By the way it was my first essay after 6 month's break Thanks a lot for you help!

[Bee]

Позвольте представить на суд еще одно сочинение (вновь о пресловутом курении). Большое спасибо за критику и замечания!

eCATerina, of course, I'm not a specialist in English... However, as for me your essay is really good. You should have achieved the aim! Just believe

P.S. Ours goals is the same

[eCATerina]

eCATerina, of course, I'm not a specialist in English... However, as for me your essay is really good. You should have achieved the aim! Just believe

P.S. Ours goals is the same

Thank you for your support! I bet we'll make it!

[Stayer]

Immediately I go back to the question and I don't see any reference to the Australian Government whatsoever. And why are you talking about the Internet in the opening sentence?
This means you've changed the topic of the essay, which in turn means you will not get a 7.
To sum up, I believe that the currect essay will not get a '7' for a very simple reason: it doesn't answer the question. Otherwise, it's quite good both structurally and grammatically. It's easy to follow and there are only few mistakes which mostly don't interfere with the meaning anyway.

Спасибо, Maimiti_Usabella

я значит не понял топик совсем, для меня фраза "press, TV and Internet should be more strictly controlled" как раз и значит Censorship... а про интернет вставил как референс к сегодняшним новостям, видимо не стоит такого делать?

[Stayer]

посмотрите, пожалуйста, письмо... интересно, сколько балов за такое можно получить?

You and your family are living in rented accommodation in an English-speaking country. You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture.
Write a letter to the landlord. In your letter
• Introduce yourself
• Explain what is wrong with the furniture
• Say what action you would like the landlord to take

Dear Mr Smith,

My name is Igor Stayer. Me and my family are renting an apartment 12 from you which is located at 1 Queens Ave, Hawthorn. We are generally satisfied with the unit, however, there are some things regarding furniture condition that I would like to bring to your attention.

Firstly, the television which you gave us last week stopped working. Every time when someone tries turning it on, it starts making whizzing noise that does not stop. We could live with that if not for the fact that the screen goes blank just after a few minutes of operation. Then there is a reclining chair in the living-room. It fell apart the first time my dad decided to use it. I understand that it was far from new, but we had expected it to function as a normal chair at least.

Considering these circumstances and the fact that these items of furniture are of prime importance in the household, I would like you to replace them in the shortest possible time. We could live without a chair for awhile, but the lack of functioning TV-set raises frustrations within the whole family.

Hope to receive a quick response from you.

Yours sincerely,

Igor

[Maimiti_Isabella]

посмотрите, пожалуйста, письмо... интересно, сколько балов за такое можно получить?

You and your family are living in rented accommodation in an English-speaking country. You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture.
Write a letter to the landlord. In your letter
• Introduce yourself
• Explain what is wrong with the furniture
• Say what action you would like the landlord to take

Dear Mr Smith,

My name is Igor Stayer. Me and my family are renting an apartment 12 from you which is located (cross out) at 1 Queens Ave, Hawthorn. We are generally satisfied with the unit, however, (Punctuation: your teachers should've told you how 'however' is used. Let me know if you're not sure and I'll explain) there are some things (try to avoid using 'things' in your writing ->issues, problems, aspects, etc) regarding furniture condition that I would like to bring to your attention.

Firstly, the television which you gave us last week stopped working. Every time when someone tries turning it on, it starts making whizzing noise that does not stop. We could live with that if not for the fact that the screen goes blank just after a few minutes of operation. Then there is a reclining chair in the living-room. It fell apart the first time my dad decided to use it. (combine these two sentences) I understand that it was far from new, but we had expected it to function as a normal chair at least.

Considering these circumstances and the fact that these items of furniture are of prime importance in the household, I would like you to replace them in(->within) the shortest possible time. We could live without a chair for awhile, but the lack of functioning TV-set raises frustrations within the whole family. (add a couple of more words explaining why)

Hope to receive a quick response from you.

Yours sincerely,

Igor

Not bad at all! Your letter is clearly and logically structured and I haven't noticed any major hiccups, except this one: Me and my family ->my family and I.
Also, there's a bit of confustion as far as 'prime importance' is concerned. First you say that both pieces are of prime importance, than you state that one (the TV set) is more important than the other.

G'luck

[Кантемир]

Здравствуйте. Посмотрите пожалуйста график. Это для меня новое задание, я его делал всего пару раз, а экзамен 5-го июня. Сколько за него можно получить?



The chart illustrates changes in average house prices in New York, Madrid, Tokyo, Frankfurt, London over the 12 year period in comparison with prices in 1989.

In the chart below we can see that from 1990 to 1995 the average house prices increased in New York by 5% while in both Tokyo and London this rate was about 7%. In Madrid and Frankfurt house prices went up 2 and 2,5%, respectively.

According to the chart, there are totally opposite situation in period from 1996 to 2002. As we can see there is only Japan(Tokyo) where the average house prices increased in comparison with 1989. The biggest growth of price in this period was in London (more than on 10 percents). In New York this rate was about five percents while in Madrid it wasn't bigger than 4,5%. The lowest increase in given period was in Frankfurt. The average house prices in this city went up 1.5%

All in all, there is a big difference in house prices in cities given in the chart. I think, that such a big difference may be a result of economic situation in these cities.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте. Посмотрите пожалуйста график. Это для меня новое задание, я его делал всего пару раз, а экзамен 5-го июня. Сколько за него можно получить?

В обшем неплохо, есть ошибки, конечно, но думаю 6 можно, BUT! избавьтесь от 'I think' - who cares what you think when describing a graph?! It's much better to say 'which may be due to /the result of'...

Overall, try to avoid using personal pronouns when describing graphs, charts and diagrammes

Also, you need to combine two short sentences to make a better more mature sentence when describing trends for Frankfurt.

[Katrinka]

Здравствуйте. Посмотрите пожалуйста график. Это для меня новое задание, я его делал всего пару раз, а экзамен 5-го июня. Сколько за него можно получить?



The chart illustrates change in average house prices in New York, Madrid, Tokyo, Frankfurt, London over the 12 year period compared to the 1989 price level.

Between 1990 and 1995 the average house price in New York grew by 5% while in both Tokyo and London this rate was about 7%. In Madrid and Frankfurt house prices went up 2 and 2,5%, respectively.

According to the chart, there is opposite trend in period from 1996 to 2002. As we can see there is only Japan(Tokyo) where the average house price increased compared to 1989. The biggest growth in price during this period was in London (more than on 10 percents). In New York this rate was about 5%, while in Madrid it wasn't more than 4,5%. The smallest increase in given period was registered for Frankfurt. The average house price in this city went up by 1.5%

All in all, there is a big difference in house prices in cities given in the chart. I think, that such a big difference may be a result of economic situation in these cities.

Последнюю фразу надо переделать.