My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Лай-ка]

Читается легко, по смыслу согласованно. Я нашел всего одну ошибку:
I strongly believe that supermarkets will be better if you want to go to the shop rarely.
По второму: многие советуют избегать вопросительных предложений. Можно перефразировать But does this moment have only positive sides? --> The given trend has not only positive sides.
Так же можно красиво перефразировать "But what about disadvantages?"
Я тоже раньше писал вопросительные, но когда читаешь чужие сочинения, видно что красивей будет некое утверждение.[/b]

Спасибо большое. Жалко, что не приветствуются вопросы.. я очень люблю риторические фразочки впихивать. А на Ваш взгляд на какую оценку можно расчитывать? Я так поняла, что на 6 баллов, важно блюсти структуру, раскрыть тему, не повторять в точности слова из темы.. А как-то на ошибки они на 6ку глаза закрывают. Опять же такой вывод я сделала на основе примеров, выложенных в сети.

[Beh01der]

Topic: Тему точно не помню, что-то типа Шоппинг в больших супермаркетах . Выскажите свое мнение

As everyone knows the number of big supermarkets is going up. My city is not an exception to this rule.

Undoubtedly there are some positive moments to do shopping at supermarkets. First of all, it is more comfortable to buy products at big shops, because you can find everything you need and you should not visit more than one shop. Moreover, it takes less time. (странное предложение. незаконченное) All supermarkets sell not only foodstuff, but also household goods and many other useful things. As a result you can save your own time, which you spend on shopping (странное предложение). Finally, the merchandises at supermarkets have a lower cost (спорное утверждение - я бы добавил usually), than at small shops. So не начинайте предложения с SO - это дурной тон. so используется внутри предложения you can save not only your time, but the money too.

On the other hand, supermarkets have a limited variety of products. Sometimes it is difficult to buy the brand you want indeed(я бы написал that you really want). Moreover, frequently usually, often it is not so easy to get round фразовый глагол - это неформальная лексика. в эссе не используется to supermarket, because it is not a secret that big shops are located out of towns or near outskirts. So sometimes, it is not so simple to reach them. Finally, some of them do not have enough of (Это лишнее) staff for advising the consumer to advice customers. As a result, it is impossible (спорное утверждение - я бы сказал rather difficult) to find any information about products.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that supermarkets are better if you want to go to the shop rarely. In this case you can really save your time and spend this time with your family or friends. But if you like shopping as a process you should not go to a supermarket, because you would not get pleasure from this.

В целом неплохо. Представление о том как писать эссе имеете. Словарный запас тоже неплох. Хорошо бы еще более полно тему раскрывать. По крайней мере нужно два аргумента за и два - против. Каждый аргумент - отдельный абзац. Вы рассмотрели только с точки зрения обывателя, да и то не полностью. А с социальной, экономической, экологической? Еще. Не нужно безапелляционных утверждений в эссе, ибо в этом случае вы должны предоставить ссылку на некоторую публикацию, подтверждающую ваше утверждение.
Думаю, 6 вам по силам, но нужно постараться.

[Лай-ка]

Сегодня сдавала айлс. Не поверите.. Тема на эссе была про Супермаркеты и маленькие магазины

[Lavrentiy]

Topic: Тему точно не помню, что-то типа Шоппинг в больших супермаркетах . Выскажите свое мнение

As everyone knows the number of big supermarkets is going up. My city is not (1) (2) exeption to this rule.

Undoubtedly there are some positive moments to (3) do shopping at supermarkets. First of all, it is more (4) comfortable to buy products (5) at big shops, because you can find everything you need and (6) you should not visit more than one shop. Moreover, it takes less time. All supermarkets sell not only (7) foodstuff, but also household goods and many other useful things. As a result you can save your own time, which you spend on shopping. Finally, the ( merchandises at supermarkets (9) have a lower cost, than (10) at small shops. So you can save not only your time, but the money too.

On the other hand, supermarkets have a limited variety of products. Sometimes it is (11) difficut to buy the brand (12) you want indeed. Moreover, frequently it is not so easy to get round to (13) supermarket, because it is not a secret that big shops are located out of town or near (14) outskirts. So sometimes, it is not so simple to reach them. Finally, some of them do not have enough (15) of staff (16) for advising the consumer. As a result, it is impossible to find any information about products.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that supermarkets are better if you want to go to the (17) shop rarely. In this case you can really save your time and spend this time with your family or friends. But if you like shopping as a process you should not go to a supermarket, because you would not get pleasure from (1 this.


(1) an exception
(2) exCeption – spelling
(3) “do” ne nado
(4) “convenient”, a ne “comfortable”
(5) “in”, a ne “at”
(6) “you don’t have to”, a ne “you should not”
(7) foodstuffS
( merchandise – v edinstvennom chisle
(9) costs less?
(10) “in”, a ne “at”
(11) difficuLt – spelling
(12) “you really want”, a ne “you want indeed”
(13) a supermarket
(14) the outskirts
(15) “of” ne objazatel’no
(16) “to advise the consumer.” adviSe – glagol; adviCe – noun.
(17) the shopS = po magazinam ili “go shopping” za pokupkami
(1 “it”, a ne “this”


И еще одно в довесок

Topic: The amount of sport shown on television every week has increased significantly and this is having an impact on live sports events. Do you think the benefits of having more televised sports are greater than the disadvantages.

It is not a secret that number of sports programs goes up every year. But does this (1) moment have only positive sides? As you know (2) sport activity became more and more popular nowadays. People (3) start understanding that sport is a necessity, because most of us have sedentary work and we need (4) activity.

So, let's think about this situation in detail. (5) Big number of (6) sport programs has a few strong sides. For instance, (7) majority of sports programs does not contain violence, as a result this kind of ( program can be viewed by children too. Next, it is important to remember that TV sports (9) program is a stimulus (10) for young people. It is general knowledge, after (11) world championship or (12) the Olympic Games the (13) amount of children who want to be a sportsman (14) has increased. Moreover, when you are watching (15) TV competition you can be proud of your country, and this event can unite all nation.

But what about (16) disadvantages? Some people think that sports TV (17) show can play (1 negative role in our life. (19) The major idea of this opinion is "sports program has reduced real sports activity in our life". It can be true, because if you want to (20) get a portion of adrenalin you can play football with your friends or just turn on (21) TV. Often people think that turning on (22) TV is easier. In addition, sometimes it is very dangerous to be a fan of (23) sports team, (24) if you are (25) very impressionable person, you (26) can have (27) a problem with your heart, in case of your favorite team lost. What is more, as everyone knows, the count of (2 struggles between football fans does not come down.

In conclusion, I should say that both opinions are important, but I strongly believe, sports programs (29) is necessity for present-day people. This kind of (30) program is more (31) health-giving for us than (32) others.

(1) “moment” ne nado. I zabud’te navsegda eto slovo. Eto “false friend”. Moment v anglijskom - “point in time” (at this moment in time) ili “short time” (wait a moment) ili vozmozhnost’, shans (his big moment).
(2) sportS activitieS
(3) Begin ili beginning to understand
(4) an activity
(5) A big number
(6) sportS programmes (programs – amerikanizm)
(7) THE
( programmes – mnozh. chislo
(9) programmes ARE a stimulus
(10) stimulus TO
(11) a world championship
(12) AN Olympic Games – zdes’ nuzhen neopredelennyj artikl’!!!
(13) “number”, a ne “amount”. Detej mozhno poschitat’: raz, dva, tri,…
(14) “increases”, a ne “has increased”
(15) a TV competition
(16) the disadvantages
(17) showS
(1 a negative role
(19) The major idea is that sports programmeS HAVE reduced real sports activitieS…
(20) to get the adrenalin going…
(21) the TV
(22) THE TV!
(23) A sports team
(24) zdes’ nuzhna tochka.
(25) a very impressionable person
(26) MAY have
(27) a heart attack. “A problem of the heart” – eto kogda liubov’!
(2 “fights”, a ne “struggles”
(29) ARE necessary
(30) programmes
(31) healthy?
(32) THE

Poka esche slaben'ko. Izvinite...

[IMA30]

Прошу уважемых гуру еще разок оценить мою писанину:


Many companies offer various programs for rest and relaxation for their staff. Do such programs help improve moral in the workplace? Determine the pros and cons of socializing in the workplace.


Today, many businesses are interested in making a good and friendly working atmosphere for their employees. Directors believe that this will help them to use working time more effectively and rise profits of their companies. Many businessmen think that if they offer various programs such as rest and relaxation for their staff during working hours, that will considerably improve the atmosphere on the workplaces. Others believe that these programs should not be introduced because they do not help to improve moral in the workplace and lead only to spending working hours ineffectively. This essay will discuss some advantages and disadvantages of these opinions.

It is believed by many people, that workers should have rest and relaxation during working hours. For example, office workers should have some physical exercise and fun while working. They say that this will help to make their job less stressful and more joyful. Moreover, this will obviously improve the effectiveness of their work and rise profits of their companies. Thus, it is understandable why many people believe that employees should spend part of their working time on rest and fun.

However, other people often say that workers should not be allowed to have rest and relaxation during working time. As they say, workers should be concentrated on their job and their attention should not be distracted from what they are paid for. They argue that having fun at the workplace makes an unsuitable atmosphere and hurts their employers' interests. That is the reason why some businessmen want their workers to concentrate on their job only.

In conclusion, the pros and cons of socializing in the workplace is the subjects of many controversial debates. However, after analyzing these two points of view, it is clear that introduction of relaxation programs for workers improves moral in the workplace and rises the effectiveness of their work. From this point it can be predicted that in the future such programs will be used by different companies more often than before.

Итого 330 слов за 45 минут

[L.Daisy]

Managers/management believe(s) that this will help them to use working time more effectively and increase profits of their companies.
...
that will considerably improve the atmosphere in the workplaces
...
They argue that having fun in the workplace creates an unsuitable atmosphere and can be detrimental to their employers' interests.

еще мне слово eefectively и его производные не нравится в данном контексте, мне кажется, необходимо efficiently/efficiency...
и кто такой moral in the workplace? нравы на рабочем месте?

а в целом, оценивать сложно, все зависит от того, какой конечный результат вам нужен... на 7-ку, например, мне кажется, не дотягивает... сорри

и еще я бы вам посоветовала поработать над структурой предложений, у вас получается несколько простых... а можно же их достаточно просто соединить в сложные, например:
It is believed by many people, that workers should have rest and relaxation during working hours in the form of some physical exercise and fun while working which will help to make their job less stressful and more joyful.

и мы не гуру но читать приятно спасибо

[IMA30]

del

[IMA30]

del

[IMA30]

del

[IMA30]

[quote="L.Daisy"]
They argue that having fun in the workplace creates an unsuitable atmosphere and be detrimental to their employers' interests.
еще мне слово eefectively и его производные не нравится в данном контексте, мне кажется, необходимо efficiently/efficiency...
и кто такой moral in the workplace? нравы на рабочем месте?[quote]

Видимо, да. В связи с нехваткой активного вакабуляра это выражение позаимствовал в исходном задании

а в целом, оценивать сложно, все зависит от того, какой конечный результат вам нужен... на 7-ку, например, мне кажется, не дотягивает... сорри

В итоге, конечно же, мне нужны семерки, но на данном этапе достаточно будет и шестерок, потому как в любом случае собираюсь в UK на трехмесячные языковые курсы. Хотелось бы приехать уже подготовленным чтобы сразу попасть в Advanced группу.

Anyway, большое Вам спасибо за потраченное время.

[L.Daisy]

Anyway, большое Вам спасибо за потраченное время.

Не за что, приходите еще

[Lavrentiy]

Прошу уважемых гуру еще разок оценить мою писанину:


Many companies offer various programs for rest and relaxation for their staff. Do such programs help improve (1) moral in the workplace? Determine the pros and cons of socializing in the workplace.


Today, many businesses are interested in (2) making a good and friendly working atmosphere for their employees. Directors believe that this will help them (3) to use working time more effectively and (4) rise profits of their companies. Many businessmen think that if they offer various programs such as rest and relaxation for their staff during working hours, that will considerably improve the atmosphere (5) on the workplaces. Others believe that these programs should not be introduced because they do not help to improve (6) moral in the workplace and lead only to spending working hours ineffectively. This essay will discuss some advantages and disadvantages of these opinions.

It is believed by many people, that workers should have rest and relaxation during working hours. For example, office workers should have some physical exercise and fun while working. They say that (7) this will help to make their job less stressful and more joyful. Moreover, this will obviously improve the effectiveness of their work and ( rise profits of their companies. Thus, it is understandable why many people believe that employees should spend part of their working time (9) on rest and fun.

However, other people often say that workers should not be allowed to have rest and relaxation during working time. As they say, workers (10) should be concentrated on their job and their attention should not be distracted from what they are (11) paid for. They argue that having fun (12) at the workplace (13) makes an unsuitable atmosphere and hurts their employers' interests. That is the reason why some businessmen want their workers to concentrate on their job only.

In conclusion, the pros and cons of socializing in the workplace (14) is the subjects of many controversial debates. However, after analyzing these two points of view, it is clear that (15) introduction of relaxation programs for workers improves (16) moral in the workplace and (17) rises the effectiveness of their work. From this point it can be predicted that in the future such programs will be used by different companies more often than before.

Итого 330 слов за 45 минут

(1) “Morale” pishetsja s “E” na konce
(2) “Creating” vmesto “making” luchshe. Vy “delaete” pogodu, a atmosferu vy “sozdaete”!
(3) “to” ne objazatel’no
(4) “raise”, a ne “rise”. Raise – podnimat’ chto-to; rise – podnimat’ sebja = posnimat’SJA.
(5) IN the workplace – ed. chislo, t.k. “THE” vkljuchaet v sebja vse podrazumevaemye rabochie mesta. “Na rabochem meste”
(6) smotri (1)!
(7) “this makes” ili “this will make”?
( smotri (4)!
(9) “resting and having fun”?
(10) should concentrate on their job
(11) are BEING paid for?
(12) IN the workplace. Eto ustojchivoe vyrazhenie.
(13) smotri (2)!
(14) ARE the subject of – ed. chislo. Oni predmet mnogix sporov.
(15) zdes’ nuzhen kakoj-nibud’ artikl’, v zavisimosti ot smysla. Ja by upotrebil “a” ili vybrosil by “introduction” voovsche: “it is clear that relaxation programmes…”
(16) smotri (1)!
(17) smotri (4)!

Ne ploho, no vsjo v prostom vremeni ili prostom buduschem. Vspomogatel’nyh glagolov tozhe net. Vyuchite glagol I vy vyuchite jazyk!

[IMA30]

Lavrentiy, спасибо. Чувствуется рука опытного тичера

Как Вы думаете, это на шестерку потянет?

[Lavrentiy]

Lavrentiy, спасибо. Чувствуется рука опытного тичера

Как Вы думаете, это на шестерку потянет?

Ну, спасибо. Хотя я не учитель. Просто английский - моё хобби, а языковых квалификаций нету. Немного знаю язык т.к. давно свалил в англию - в начале девяностых - и тут поднатаскался. Работаю в местном тресте начальником отдела: 12 англичан подчиненных (хвастаюсь!), проверяю ессе ради прикола в обеденные перерывы.

На счет шестерки не знаю, т.к. не знаком с системой ИЕЛТС. Нужен пример шестерочного ессе для сравнения, если вас не затруднит.

В феврале, кстати, лечу в Сидней - у меня там родичи - на мардигра ибо мерзну в альбионе.

[IMA30]

Здесь десятка четыре "шестерочных" эссе:
http://www.ielts-blog.com/category/i...essays-band-6/